Welcome to my weekly Bad Mom Advice column where I attempt to answer all of your parenting questions as only I know how — with zero degree in early childhood development, but with the experience of raising four kids and not having any of them in prison – yet! Plus, I back all my advice on numerous scientific research, which may or may not include me making fun of your dumb kid behind your back and drinking a bunch of wine! Welcome to Bad Mom Advice!
I drink very rarely but I love alcohol. I love cocktails. I love wine. I love enjoying a nice beer on a hot day or with pizza. Booze is my friend, because I’ve never had to have it stop being my friend. My family has a history of alcoholism – who doesn’t, am I right? So I have always been super careful about when and how often I drink. But I do like to drink on occasion, and I should probably do it more often, because I do enjoy it. But you know what takes the fun out of drinking pretty much more than anything else? Having kids. Because there is nothing worse than having to take care of kids when you have a hangover. Which I do, right now.
Because I’m a professional, I’m a professional parent and professional advice giver and a professional booze drinker, I thought I should offer you my tips on how you can get drunk with kids. Not as in, how to get drunk with your kids like you are all getting drunk together, but how to get your drink on when you have children.
Before you even start drinking you need to TCB. That means pack lunches, organize backpacks, get outfits ready for the next day, set your coffee maker.There is nothing worse than waking up the next morning. Except for waking up the next morning and having to scramble to find stuff and sign school papers and prepare lunches. You will be lucky if you feel up to pouring milk into a bowl of cereal for the kids and getting yourself a cup of coffee.
Do Not Mix The Grapes And The Grain
I know many a professional alcohol drinker who will tell me there is no truth to the whole beer before liquor, never sicker, liquor before beer, never fear thing but I personally never mix my booze, because the only times I ever get all pukey is when I do.
Do Not Let The Drunk You Tell The Sober You To STFU
Before you even get your drink on, you will be thinking about drinking, and how much you will drink. You know your limits. I know that personally, for me, I can have two glasses of wine or two cocktails before it’s time for me to switch to water or my beloved Diet Coke. But does drinky me listen to sober me? Noooooo. Because drinky me is having too much fun and sober me is BORING. But sober me is always right because when I have three drinks the next morning I hate myself. Sober me knows I will have to wake up, deal with kids, deal with pets and work. Drinky me is all “Oh this is too much fun I feel great and yeehaw.” Do not ignore your sober me. Or you. Whatever.
Drink Thy Water
Technically you should drink water while your are drinking liquor, but do I ever do this? Nooooo. At the very least all the super smart drinkers chug some water before falling asleep and pop a few Aleve. This should go under preparation, fix yourself a nice glass of ice water, put some pain reliever next to it, put it on your nightstand and don’t let yourself hit the hay until you have consumed both things. It doesn’t guarantee that you won’t be hungover, but it does help.
Try Not To Drink Around Your Kids When You Are Sad
This is a tricky one, because sometimes when you are sad you need a drink. But this is for when your kids are all asleep in bed. Alky-hol is gonna intensify any mood you have, so if you are drinking when you are sad, chances are you may end up putting a bunch of emotional voodoo all over your kids or making them worry about you because not only are you possibly slurring your words, but you are crying while doing it. It’s healthy for kids to see their parents upset, just not while you are drunk. That’s the worst.
But By All Means, Introduce Your Kids To Music While You Are Drunk
I don’t know about you guys, but some of the fondest memories of my own childhood involved my parents being tipsy and playing music loud and lecturing me and my sisters on what the best Stones song is. Drink your wine, play them music you love, have an impromptu dance party with them.
Go To Bed At Your Usual Time
This is another hard rule to follow, but for sure get your kids in bed at their usual bedtime and try to go to sleep at a decent hour too. No matter how much fun you are having. Because if you don’t, you will feel worse in the morning.
This Goes Without Saying, Never, Ever Drink And Drive
And never drive while drinking with your kids in the car. My tips are for the average house parent who just wants to get a bit tipsy in the comfort of their own home. I have no tips for drinking at a place you have to drive to get to, except don’t do it, take a taxi, or have a designated driver.
I like drinking. Whatever the sanctimommies say, I see nothing wrong with having a few drinks on occasion, even if you are a parent, as long as you keep it in check. Ideally, I would only ever drink on weekends when I have nothing else going on the next day and I can wander a museum with my kids or go see a movie followed up by a Bloody Mary lunch to make me feel better (with my husband driving, of course), but this isn’t always the case. But with a little preparation and some common sense, it is possible to get drunk on a weeknight even if your kids are asleep in the next room. This has been a public service announcement from Bad Mom Advice™ incorporated.
Don’t forget about my live chat here at 12 p.m to one p.m. EST where I can answer any questions you have about alcohol. Or potty training. Or what the best Stones song is.