• Thu, Sep 12 - 11:45 am ET

The Bad Mom Advice Guide To Getting Drunk When You Have Kids

largeWelcome to my weekly Bad Mom Advice column where I attempt to answer all of your parenting questions as only I know how — with zero degree in early childhood development, but with the experience of raising four kids and not having any of them in prison – yet! Plus, I back all my advice on numerous scientific research, which may or may not include me making fun of your dumb kid behind your back and drinking a bunch of wine! Welcome to Bad Mom Advice!

I drink very rarely but I love alcohol. I love cocktails. I love wine. I love enjoying a nice beer on a hot day or with pizza. Booze is my friend, because I’ve never had to have it stop being my friend. My family has a history of alcoholism – who doesn’t, am I right? So I have always been super careful about when and how often I drink. But I do like to drink on occasion, and I should probably do it more often, because I do enjoy it. But you know what takes the fun out of drinking pretty much more than anything else? Having kids. Because there is nothing worse than having to take care of kids when you have a hangover. Which I do, right now.

Because I’m a professional, I’m a professional parent  and professional advice giver and a professional booze drinker, I thought I should offer you my tips on how you can get drunk with kids. Not as in, how to get drunk with your kids like you are all getting drunk together, but how to get your drink on when you have children.

Preparation

Before you even start drinking you need to TCB. That means pack lunches, organize backpacks, get outfits ready for the next day, set your coffee maker.There is nothing worse than waking up the next morning. Except for waking up the next morning and having to scramble to find stuff and sign school papers and prepare lunches. You will be lucky if you feel up to pouring milk into a bowl of cereal for the kids and getting yourself a cup of coffee.

 Do Not Mix The Grapes And The Grain 

I know many a professional alcohol drinker who will tell me there is no truth to the whole beer before liquor, never sicker, liquor before beer, never fear thing but I personally never mix my booze, because the only times I ever get all pukey is when I do.

Do Not Let The Drunk You Tell The Sober You To STFU 

Before you even get your drink on, you will be thinking about drinking, and how much you will drink. You know your limits. I know that personally, for me, I can have two glasses of wine or two cocktails before it’s time for me to switch to water or my beloved Diet Coke. But does drinky me listen to sober me? Noooooo. Because drinky me is having too much fun and sober me is BORING. But sober me is always right because when I have three drinks the next morning I hate myself. Sober me knows I will have to wake up, deal with kids, deal with pets and work. Drinky me is all “Oh this is too much fun I feel great and yeehaw.” Do not ignore your sober me. Or you. Whatever.

Drink Thy Water 

Technically you should drink water while your are drinking liquor, but do I ever do this? Nooooo. At the very least all the super smart drinkers chug some water before falling asleep and pop a few Aleve. This should go under preparation, fix yourself a nice glass of ice water, put some pain reliever next to it, put it on your nightstand and don’t let yourself hit the hay until you have consumed both things. It doesn’t guarantee that you won’t be hungover, but it does help.

Try Not To Drink Around Your Kids When You Are Sad 

This is a tricky one, because sometimes when you are sad you need a drink. But this is for when your kids are all asleep in bed. Alky-hol is gonna intensify any mood you have, so if you are drinking when you are sad, chances are you may end up putting a bunch of emotional voodoo all over your kids or making them worry about you because not only are you possibly slurring your words, but you are crying while doing it. It’s healthy for kids to see their parents upset, just not while you are drunk. That’s the worst.

 But By All Means, Introduce Your Kids To Music While You Are Drunk 

I don’t know about you guys, but some of the fondest memories of my own childhood involved my parents being tipsy and playing music loud and lecturing me and my sisters on what the best Stones song is. Drink your wine, play them music you love, have an impromptu dance party with them.

 Go To Bed At Your Usual Time 

This is another hard rule to follow, but for sure get your kids in bed at their usual bedtime and try to go to sleep at a decent hour too. No matter how much fun you are having. Because if you don’t, you will feel worse in the morning.

This Goes Without Saying, Never, Ever Drink And Drive 

And never drive while drinking with your kids in the car. My tips are for the average house parent who just wants to get a bit tipsy in the comfort of their own home. I have no tips for drinking at a place you have to drive to get to, except don’t do it, take a taxi, or have a designated driver.

I like drinking. Whatever the sanctimommies say, I see nothing wrong with having a few drinks on occasion, even if you are a parent, as long as you keep it in check. Ideally, I would only ever drink on weekends when I have nothing else going on the next day and I can wander a museum with my kids or go see a movie followed up by a Bloody Mary lunch to make me feel better (with my husband driving, of course), but this isn’t always the case. But with a little preparation and some common sense, it is possible to get drunk on a weeknight even if your kids are asleep in the next room. This has been a public service announcement from Bad Mom Advice™ incorporated.

Don’t forget about my live chat here at 12 p.m to one p.m. EST where I can answer any questions you have about alcohol. Or potty training. Or what the best Stones song is.

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  • Emmali Lucia

    Coconut water, which used to be all the craze when I was first starting college (I know, I know, You guys are going to know how young I am), was touted as the cure to a hangover. Apparently you drink it in the morning or before bed, and it has all the vitamins and electrolytes your body decided to get rid of when you got drunk.

    Because the fact that you were drunk isn’t what caused the hangover, it’s the alcohol dehydrating you that causes the hangover, and the electrolytes you lost were what makes water from curing it.

    Another thing is to drink a glass of water or cranberry juice between each alcoholic beverage (And no, you can’t get a cosmo and pretend you’re doing the same thing.) This has been a service announcement from the girl who’s bar you should really try to come visit in a few years when it exists.

    • alice

      word to coconut water the next day.

      i find that just chugging large quantities of water before bed makes me feel good the next day, and prevents me from waking up in the middle of the night plagued by dehydration (and/or those haunting drunk dreams about seeking gatorade)

      if i’m preparing for a long night of drinking, i also take an EMEGEN-C, or 1000mg of VitC before i start throwing them back.

    • Paul White

      It depends. The headache is largely dehydration, the stomach upset isn’t. So hydration helps with the headache part but not the pukey part.
      However, if you drink a 6-8 ounce glass of water between each alcoholic beverage it slows down consumption markedly, and that helps in and of itself.

  • Tea

    My go-to for the next morning is water with lemon and rose water in it, and a pinch of sugar and salt, because it makes the water taste less like morning breath, and helps balance electrolytes. Ginger ale/ginger beer is also good, though you may be cursing it if it was your mixer of choice. Ginger water is good, too.

    When I can drag myself up to cook, I get a bacon sandwhich. It is the best thing I’ve found.

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      make meeee a bacon sammich

    • Tea

      I would, because I have some organic heritage hog bacon in the freezer from my in-laws family farm and it makes the best bacon sandwiches ever. I also bake bread.

      But you are far away, so it is mine. >:D

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      :( hate you. You know zingerman’s makes a bacon bread that is ridic when you make it into a grilled cheese. NOM NOM NOM

    • Ptownsteveschick

      Yeah I seriously want a bacon sandwich now, but I only have $4 till payday tomorrow and there is no bacon, bread or cheese in the house. Dammit all to hell.

    • Ptownsteveschick

      Just wanted everyone to know that I spent 2.99 and got myself a loaf of garlic bread and it was divine.

  • Ptownsteveschick

    I like to drink, but I don’t especially love to get drunk and as such it rarely happens. I do find myself thinking “I had a glass of wine last night, better skip tonight” because I have had the alcoholic gene so beaten into me that I constantly second guess myself. For me 1 or 2 drinks of whatever is enough to relax and forget the toddler hell I have been through that day so I rarely if ever have a hangover.

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      Me too. But even like 3 glasses, and sometimes two, and then next day I am all hung. I cannot drink like I used to when I was all young :(

    • Paul White

      I’ma ll bummed I can’t handle 8-9 shots like I used to :( my limit is 3-5 now.

    • Alex Lee

      that rhymes

    • VĂ©ronique Houde

      ditto dude

    • pixie

      Don’t feel bad, I’m not even 23 yet and I have a stupidly low tolerance. I don’t get hungover (fortunately), but two or three drinks and I’m pretty well done for the night. I’m supposed to be in my alcohol consumption prime, but I guess being too poor to party with friends more than a handful of times had a hand in that. In 12th grade I could down half a 26 and go until 4am. Now it’s a couple drinks and I’m ready for bed at 10. Kinda depressing for a university student.

  • TwentiSomething Mom

    Take an advil before you go to bed (2 if you had a lot to drink) and another once you wake up. Don’t get so drunk that you forget about taking the advil.

  • JAN

    Make sure your pain reliever of choice while drinking is not acetaminophen (Tylenol) it is not a good mix with alcohol…your liver will thank you.

  • lalalalalala

    My hangover cure is a Bloody Mary. Tomato based juice seems to help my stomach (not that the vodka doesn’t play a part).

    • Paul White

      I can’t figure out how anyone drinks those. They turn my stomach just on the smell alone.

    • http://fairlyoddmedia.com/ Frances Locke

      I didn’t develop a taste for them until I was well into my 20s. I used to think they were gross, but I love them now.

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      I love bloody marys soooooooo much.

  • VĂ©ronique Houde

    My hangover cure is a super greasy Pizza Hut pizza with lots of cheese on it. It lines my stomach back up. Rince it off with a gigantic bottle of water and some painkillers – 2 hours later, good to go.

    Back in the day when I worked on cruise ships (haha i can’t believe it’s already been that long!!), after having had 1 bottle of wine followed by about 5 strong apple martinis, we used to get pizza at the 24 hour pizza place on the ship. i swear to got that if we skipped the pizza, we’d be wrecked the next day at work (’cause, no days off on ships!).

    • VĂ©ronique Houde

      oh. and at least 2 cups of coffee on top of that. it dilates the blood vessels in the brain – helps with the headache

  • Wendy

    I just read Pedialyte works for hangovers! Haven’t tried it tho.

  • Momma425

    Best parenting moment lately: daughter was at (my very conservative) mom’s house last week, and there was lemonade to drink with dinner. My four and a half year old waits until everyone has their plates and is all seated, and in front of my parents says, “Nana, is that lemonade an adult only beverage? Or can kids drink it?” Mon looked at her and said, “of course you can have some lemonade.” Without missing a beat, daughter says, “oh good, at mommy’s house we have to ask before drinking ANYTHING!” Mom shot me this nasty look, and later made a comment about how she hoped those adult beverages were after bedtime beverages.
    STFU mom…there is no problem with having a bottle of wine every now and then even when the kids are home.

    • Momma425

      Oh, and my hangover cure: regular coke (not diet), and pepto bismol. Wait 15 minutes, then pancakes. :) It has never ever failed me.

    • quinn

      Ahahaha, when my little was 2 she would pick up every cup before she drank out of it and ask, “Is this vodka?” because I would sometimes make a small vodka soda while I cooked. She is 5 now and she seems to be just fine!

  • http://fairlyoddmedia.com/ Frances Locke

    My mom introduced me to the Evita soundtrack (the one from the 70s, not the Madonna abortion or the newer Broadway one) while she was in her cups and it was glorious. Best Thanksgiving evening ever.

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