Parents and child-free people have a lot more in common than what you would think. Except the child-free people are doing a lot more for the environment by choosing not to breed. I’m a mom of four kids, but I’m totally on the child-free team. I love my kids to pieces but if I did not know them and they weren’t all ready here and living under my roof and taking all my money and waking me up at six a.m. to ask me how to make a wedding dress for our cat out of paper towels? Hell no, I would not have children. I love my kids because I know my kids. If there were just a twinkle in the sky and had never been born I would have zero interest in them. Don’t get me wrong, I like kids in general, they can be kinda cool humans and sometimes they can be funny and they will usually do stuff for you if you bribe them to do so, but us breeders get just as annoyed with kids as the child-free do. Oh let me count the ways.
They Are The Messiest Mess-Makers In Mess TownÂ
I love my kids, but FFS can’t they be a little bit cleaner? There should be a new law passed that every baby born in America comes with 18 years of maid service. As much as I teach my kids to clean up after themselves they still are total fail sauce at performing simple tasks, like PEEING WHERE THE PEE GOES and pouring juice.
Â All They Do Is TalkÂ
Blab blab blab blab. From morning until night all they do is talk. And yeah, talking is fine, I love having conversations but you know who sucks at having conversations? A ten-year-old who just got the new Lego catalogue in the mail. Every conversation is “Mom, you know what three hundred dollar Lego set I want for my birthday in eight months? I want this one, the one with all the super small pieces. The really small pieces. It’s so cool. Mom, look at this. Mom, see, if I had this one I could build so many things. Mom? Mom. Mom, this is the one I want.” Over and over and over again.
Â They Throw Tantrums. In Public.Â
I can sympathize with the kid losing his shit in the grocery store over not being able to buy a box of Booberry cereal (That shit is awesome) but I can see where it drives childless people crazy. One minute you are trying to buy some nice organic arugula and the next you are watching some toddler have a level four meltdown over not getting a balloon in the checkout aisle.
Show me one parent who says they looooove changing diapers and they are either a liar or Â a liar. No one likes diapers. You change them because babies cannot change themselves. If suddenly babies started changing their own diapers and doing it correctly and then taking the dirty diaper outside to place in the trash after they have tightly wrapped it in a plastic bag so the raccoons couldn’t eat it? That would be AWESOME.
Â They Take All The MoneyÂ
Kids are expensive. Yeah yeah yeah I should have thought about this before I opened my whore legs and got myself knocked up but why does all their shit have to be so expensive? Add four college educations to the years and years of clothing and feeding them and taking them places and buying them shoes and video game systems where they can shoot cartoons in the head and I may as well just give up and accept the fact that I will never own a winter coat that costs over 100 dollars for myself. EVER.
Â You Can’t Understand What They Are Saying Most Of The TimeÂ
Sure, baby babble can be cute, but one more than one occasion I have been expected to have lengthy conversations with a small person who has a vocabulary that consists of the words cat, bye-bye, and ow. How can we be expected to work with this?
Â They Question Everything You SayÂ
Why? Why? Why? Why do I have to go to bed why is the dog so cute why do I have so much homework why are you crying why do I have to clean up my toys why does daddy drink so much wine why can’t I drive the car why is their air why were you and dad naked why isn’t it Christmas why why why why.
Â They Sometimes Refuse To Fall AsleepÂ
The child-free don’t have to deal with this unless they are subjected to wanting to spend time with an adult who has a young human that came out of their vagina, but sometimes the times I have hated being a parent the most is when I’m exhausted and one of my kids just…. wouldn’t….go…to….sleep. That’s when you take them into bed with you, but a Disney movie on in hopes that it will make them drowsy, and they end up talking to you the entire time or dragging all their GUYS into the bed so you wake up with a Barbie hand poking you in the ass or you just get up with them and end up reading them Pat The Bunny for the gazillionth time.
Â People Take Them Out. In Public.Â
On the rare occasions I go out, like a grownup, you know when you put on lipstick and wear heels you haven’t worn in months and secure a babysitter and pay a ton of money to some jerk who will probably eat all your snacks to have them make sure your kids don’t set your house on fire, I do not want to see kids. I do not wanna see my kids, I do not wanna see your kids. So many people get all irate if the child-free bitch about being subjected to kids in restaurants in the evening. Unless I am at a Chuck E. Cheese, I do not want to see your baby while I am trying to have an adult night out.
Â There Is A Pretty Good Chance They Will Grow Up To Be An Asshole
I hate to break it to you, but no matter how much you love and cuddle and adore your beautiful amazing cooing bundle of joy, they could one day grow up to be an asshole. Do you think Anthony Weiner‘s parents realized their baby would grow up to be a creep when they were watching him toddle around his backyard in the sunshine? Do you think Chris Brown‘s parents were all “Oh, look at how sweet he looks sleeping, one day he will grow up to beat his girlfriend in a moving car?” If we could see exactly what our kids would one day turn out like as adults, I’m pretty sure many of us would never have kids. We are LUCKY if they turn into decent human beings, no matter how great a job we do as parents.