Many of you agreed with me yesterday that stuffed animals can all go to hell but some of you wept giant, sad, drippy tears all over your keyboards over the fact I suggested stuffed animals are stoooopid. And that’s okay! Because even I am not immune to the cuddly charms of all stuffed animals! If I had a gazillion dollars sitting around and I had all ready bought all of the Ben&Jerry’s Coffee Coffee Buzz Buzz ice cream and whisked you all off to a wondrous vacation where we all lounged on the beach and drank foofoo cocktails with cocktail umbrellas in them and donated some money to charity and bought a gigantic house with a special cat room with cat tunnels and cat towers and purchased Koa Beck her own real life Bambi I would totally buy these. But I would need a gazillion dollars to do so because some of these are expensive! So if I had to buy stuffed animals, these are the ones I want. I expect all of you to beat me in the comments by posting even cooler, more outrageous ones that cost even more money because if we are playing the “Here are the stuffed animals I would buy if I had a gazillion dollars game” we may as well do it up big, yo.
A Giant Unicorn. You Can Ride On.
(Image: Fao Schwartz)
I’m sorry, but I am all about this life. Here I would sit on my giant magical stuffed unicorn and demand that my family bring me cold beverages and do my bidding. It’s not too early for you guys to think about what to get me for Christmas ya know and I’m sure one of you has 800 dollars (sorry, 799.99) just sitting around so you wanna buy me this. If I had this my answer to basically every question ever asked of me, what’s for dinner, Mom? Did you ay the electric bill honey? Would be answered with “I’m on a unicorn, bitches.”
The Gi-nourmous Ugly Doll
This actually caused a HUGE argument with my spouse. We have Ugly Dolls in my home and when I saw this gigantic one in a store I begged my husband to let me buy it. I think his reply was “Are you insane, it costs 800 dollars, where the hell are you going to put that thing?” and my tearful reply was “I have no idea but I waaaaaaaaant itttttt” and he said we would think about it and he knows I am easily distracted so by the time I remembered it, it had sold out in stores. Wahhhhhh. It’s still amazingly cool though.
A Giant Shark Sleeping Bag
It makes sense that a 43-year-old woman wants to sleep in this right?
A Bouquet Of A Dozen Stuffed Unicorns
(Image: Think geek)
Who needs roses? Who even wants roses when you can have a dozen stuffed unicorns?
A Takashi Murakami X-Large Flower Plush
You know who I bet has these? Kanye West. I bet if he had his way little North West‘s nursery is all done up Murakami-style. We are pretty big Murakami fans up in herrrre, and when my son was younger my husband took him to a show in Brooklyn. When my kid encountered the Lonesome Cowboy (which shows a very angular looking young anime man ejaculating in a giant stream) my son ran away from it yelling DAD I SO DID NOT NEED TO SEE THAT. But I still need this 1500 dollar pillow!
Jennifer Strunge Cotton Monsters
Jennifer makes these amazing creatures for her shop Cotton Monsters but I love her collection of cats called the Von Katz family. They all look like they are saying “nuuuuu.”
Erwin The Little Patient
(Image: Wild And Wooly)
I am just obnoxious and wrong enough to give this as a toddler gift because when you open little Erwin up, this happens.
We All Need This For Our Game Of Thrones Magical LARP-ing
(Image: Fao Schwartz)
If I had 900 bucks I didn’t know what to do with I would get this and be all:
Alllll the time.
The Phillipe Starck Band Bear
I always meant to buy one of these when my babies were little and I didn’t wanna shell out 90 bucks for one and now they go for a few times that and are impossible to find. Figures.
A Campana Brothers Banquet Chair
Moss used to sell these and I think they were around 10 thousand dollars each, but they don’t anymore. These chairs are usually shown in museums doing design retrospectives and since ya know, we are playing the gazillion dollar game we may as well all buy one for our child’s nursery.