pregnant foodThere is so much information out there for moms-to-be about what foods they can and cannot consume during pregnancy. It’s very confusing! This is why you are so lucky to have me because I am here to give you a definitive list about foods that you should absolutely, under-no-circumstances ever consume while you are pregnant because they could have long-term damaging effects to both you and your unborn child!

Sharks

Pregnant women should never eat a shark. I don’t care how hungry you are. Sharks are high in mercury and that can be dangerous for your unborn child. Also, when trying to eat the shark this may backfire and the shark may end up eating you. Plus! I think in some places it’s probably illegal to snack on a shark.

Generic Ice Cream 

This is just a sad thing to eat. Store-brand ice cream never has enough junk in it, whether that junk be fudge ripples or candy pieces or brownie chunks or caramel or pieces of cookie dough. Pregnant women should never ever eat this. Spend the extra few bucks and get yourself the good ice cream. It is better for your mood which in turn is better for your baby.

 Jäger Bombs 

We all know a glass of wine or three while pregnant won’t hurt your unborn child, but I would highly suggest not consuming any shots that are on fire while pregnant. Not only because of the risk of fetal alcohol poisoning, which is so NOT funny, but also because throwing up hard liquor is pretty much the worst thing ever.

Cheetos 

You would assume that eating this snack product is totally okay for pregnant women, but have you ever seen what Cheetos do to your fingers? They leave this dayglo orange powder all over them and when you are pregnant you are extra exhausted and chances are you may be too lazy to wash your hands after eating them and end up with Cheetos dust all over your pants. The only time you should eat Cheetos whilst pregnant is when someone is around to feed them to you.

 Raw Hot Dogs 

I know, nothing sounds more appealing to just about ANYONE, pregnant or not, than just sitting on their sofa, watching some Scandal, and opening up a package of uncooked hot dogs to snack on. Mmmm.. delicious. BUT you should be aware that sometimes uncooked hot dogs can contain a bacteria which can be dangerous to pregnant women called listeriosis which can be potentially harmful.

Dirty Fruits And Vegetables 

86wLg(Photo: Imugr.com)

This seems like such a no-brainer but you would be shocked at how many REPUTABLE news sources tell pregnant women not to eat dirty fruits and vegetables. We are pregnant, not stupid! It’s like they think that once you have a baby inside of you are suddenly rooting in your garden to eat some skankyass soil-covered cucumbers or digging through your local dumpster to find some moldy potatoes. Guess what world! Pregnant ladies wash their produce just like normal peoples!

Canned Frosting And Sour Cream And Onion Potato Chips Chased Down With Root Beer  

DON’T ask me how I know this I just do OK?

Half Of A Shared Plate Of Anything  

Um, eating for two means eating for TWO. Not three. You and your baby, not whatever jerk you are with who suggests you “split an appetizer” or “share a dessert.” If anyone says this to you, you have my permission to stab them. With your dinner fork. Right in their stupid bad-idea face.

Sad Candy  

This is the candy that is not the candy you want. When you are pregnant you should not eat the sad candy. This is when you want something amazing and delicious like sea salt caramels and you find yourself digging through your kid’s leftover Halloween candy and it’s July and all they have are some stray M&Ms and a half-eaten Twizzler. Someone needs to bring you the best candy and they need to bring it to you now. Do not eat the sad candy.

 Anything That Won’t Cause You To Gain The Recommended Amount Of Baby Weight For Your Body 

When you are pregnant is NOT the time to go on a diet. Eat a good variety of foods, eat foods that make you happy and that make you feel good and sometimes eat foods that grow on trees or in the ground and remember to eat a lot of fresh, warm bread with butter and drink a lot of water and preferably have someone else make you these foods on occasion. And do the dishes. You can worry about your post baby body after you are post baby.

(Photo: Kuznetsov Alexey/shutterstock)