10 Things Not To Say To A Lesbian Mom

1920s womenI have yet to have children but when/if I do, my fiancée and I will most likely be looking at the following annoying inquiries. I know this because we’re already dealing with variations on these same inquiries about our family and how we relate to another one. While there are obviously much, much worse comments you can make to a same-sex family (like my lovely neighbor who daily refers to my fiancée and I as “dyke bitches,” well GOOD MORNING TO YOU TOO), the following always seem to come from well-intentioned individuals.

1. “Which one of you is the ‘real’ mom?”

Actually, we’re both the “real” mom considering that we both signed on to be parents. If you’re asking about which one of us is the “biological” mother, that’s a different inquiry entirely and should be phrased as such.

2. “Who is the father?”

In another case of watch that vocabulary, what we’re really talking about is “the donor.” Obviously, some same-sex parents may have a relationship with their donor (if they carried) and may have a specific term for him (i.e. Uncle so and so or some variation on “dad”) — but not all do. So it’s best to often start with “the donor” and let the same-sex couple in question school you on whatever names they use. The same goes for families who have adopted. Don’t ask about “the parents.” Ask about the “biological parents.”

3. “Aren’t you worried that he/she will grow up to be gay too?”

No. Hateful bigotry, heterosexism, and the fact that my fiancée or I could be fired in 29 states aside, being gay is awesome.

4. “What if your kids are straight?”

Well, clearly we will have NOTHING in common.

5. “It must be really easy for you two to parent because you’re both women.”

Whoa there on that sexism and gender essentialism. While my lady friend and I are definitely products of cultural conditioning (how could we not be on on some level?), we’re not inherently better at folding laundry, doing drop off and pick up, making lunches, remembering to pick up diapers, and making doctor’s appointments than your male partner. Just ask the awesome SAHDs out there. You don’t need two X chromosomes to be able to be a decent parent.

6. “Aren’t you worried about having a male influence?”

Not really, primarily because I don’t think you necessarily need to be a man to raise an awesome son and the same goes for little girls (although there is research on how little girls with absentee fathers fare). Thankfully, I’m blessed to have an extended family and close friends that are laced with upstanding dudes and ladies.

7. “Does your child know that you’re…you know…GAY yet?”

Does your kid know that you’re straight? We actually don’t plan on devoting time to what goes on in our marital bed. And I assume you don’t either….?

8. “Father’s Day must be really confusing for your kid.”

It’s the assumption that’s problematic here. Hopefully, kids know that families come in all stripes. But regardless, I’m going to bet that not participating in yet another Hallmark holiday replete with ugly mugs isn’t all that scarring.

9. “It must be so great to be married/partnered to the same sex. Sometimes I wish I was gay.”

Oh, do you now? Because, it’s easier for us to communicate thanks to twin uteri? We may not have to deal with a bazillion years of heteronormative history telling us how to conduct our partnerships, but our relationship isn’t innately easier because we’re both fluent in hypothetical lady speak.

10. “So I’m not trying to be offensive or anything, but…”

We all know how this ends.

(photo:  Raymondx1)

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    • Emmali Lucia

      I don’t understand the “Aren’t you worried about having a male influence?” and “Father’s Day must be really confusing for your kid.”

      I grew up without a father, and single mom households are REALLY common. My mother lied and told everyone that my father died for the first 18 years of my life so neither of us got much of this, but why should anyone? That’s really messed up, if you ask me. People should mind their own damn business. It won’t affect the kids as much as the ignorant comments will.

    • Jessie

      It amazes me how some people still have not figured out that if you have to preface a statement with “I’m not trying to be/Not to be (insert racist/offensive/rude/intolerant/other undesirable trait here), BUT….” before you say it, well… Sorry, but you ARE being racist/intolerant/offensive/rude/etc. Prefacing it with a “buffer” does not make it any less of a bad thing to say.

      • http://www.twitter.com/ohladyjayne allisonjayne

        I have reprogrammed my brain so that when people say “I’m not X but”, my brain hears what they actually mean: “I’m about to say something really X and also I’m sort of scared of you”.

      • JLH1986

        I just respond with yes you are because you wouldn’t say that other wise. There are inoffensive, tactful ways to ask a question. And there is not need to say “I’m not trying to be offensive but…”. then you just don’t need to say whatever was supposed to come next.

      • http://www.facebook.com/valerisexton.jones Valeri Jones

        I don’t know… I think it depends on how well you know the person. My BFF has been a single mom of two up until very recently. Some of the things she goes through makes me really thankful that I’m not a single mom. (Single moms, you have my utmost respect and admiration forever and ever, amen.) Sometimes when we talk about those things, I feel the need to use that buffer and she is always understanding. But we are best friends, so that probably makes all the difference.

      • JLH1986

        I would agree with that. Most of my close friends know I’m a big “just put it on the table” kinda girl so I’m not offended by a friend saying “Pull your head out of your ass on this one” and that when I say to them “What the hell were you thinking?” that its from a place of love. So there is no need to preface it with “I’m not trying to be offensive”

      • http://www.twitter.com/ohladyjayne allisonjayne

        I think that is the difference. There are lots of things I will ask my close friends (and vice versa) that I wouldn’t ask an acquaintance, co-worker or random on the street.

      • Skye Belle Matilda Brand

        You can get away with some outrageous shit with close friends & close family. My husband calls his physically handicapped brother spastic to his face…he responds by calling my husband a fat bastard then they laugh their arses off & go back to watching cars race around a track…my sister in law & I just look at each other & shake our heads & say “at least we aren’t related to them by blood!”

    • Alicia Kiner

      All of these things can be summed up with just one statement… Don’t put YOUR issues on MY kid. It’s that simple. Now see, me, I never grew up. I’m curious about EVERYTHING. I want to know how stuff works. I want to know about different religions, and politics, and all the stuff that typically pisses people off. Not to piss people off, but just because I want to know more than what I learned in my bubble growing up. That being said, I’m not going to interrogate you the first time I meet you. Once I get to know you however, I ask questions. It’s how we learn. And I feel like, if friends ask you these kinds of questions (the context of them, not the actual wording) in conversation, because they truly want to know, maybe to help you deal with them, or to help their children deal these questions, and that’s totally different than bluntly demanding the answers from a complete and total stranger. Also, while I may call my best friend a total bitch, with a big fat smile on my face, and she may return it, we never mean it hatefully (this was my first thought to the dyke bitches remark), if that isn’t the relationship you have with your neighbors, they are asshats!

      • Paul White

        Yeah, I’ll ask my friends questions I wouldn’t dream of asking a strange for sure. I think it’s a building of trust and relationship over the years ya know? I’m OK with a friend that’s helped me in bad times knowing a bit about my personal life, but a random stranger? Not as much.

      • Tinyfaeri

        Curiousity is great, but so is tact and respecting privacy and things that are usually deeply personal. Being curious is not free license to delve into the most intimate details of a friend’s life. Unless you have the kind of friendship with someone where you routinely discuss things of an “inserting donor-sperm-filled syringe into vagina and carefully applying to cervix” nature, you’d be better off asking Google, not your friend.

        In anything reproductive (for gay or straight couples), let your friend know that you’re there for them if they need or want to talk, ask how they are, congratulate them on pregnancies or births, say the kids are adorable, but remember that even among friends some things are just not your business no matter how curious you may be. Sometimes, what’s needed to be a good friend is swallowing your curiousity.

        …and I don’t know Koa, but I’ll go out on a limb and say that is probably not the relationship she has with her neighbors.

    • Rachel Sea

      Do we have the same neighbors? I’ve been STRONGLY considering painting my garage door like a giant pride flag in the hopes that it will give them heart attacks and they will die.

      • Koa_Beck

        My approach is to just kill them with kindness. I’m always offering to help her with trash and I make a point to say “good morning” every.single.day.

      • Rachel Sea

        Ha, that would be super fun. The husband of the couple next to us had to be restrained from assaulting me once (I called the cops on him after he stole a bunch of stuff out of my yard, and he was pissed), and he stalked us for a while, so I practice avoidance.

      • ChillMama

        Geez. I am so sorry you have to deal with this kind of bullcrap. Hopefully they move away to Hateville soon, where everyone hates everyone else, and you get some genuinly nice neighbours.

      • Paul White

        solution: Alligator moat. I’m still working on convincing my wife of this…

      • Madame Ovaries

        Alligator moats are the solution to so many modern problems.

      • Rachel Sea

        Unfortunately our soil is terrible for pools, which alligators, sharks, cottonmouths, and electric eels would all require. I’d like to put in a cholla cactus hedge, or maybe stinging nettles. I considered an electric fence topped with concertina wire, but apparently it’s against code.

      • Paul White

        rattlesnake pit?

      • Rachel Sea

        I do live in the correct climate for rattlesnakes…

    • http://www.twitter.com/ohladyjayne allisonjayne

      Being gay IS awesome! I’m so glad I’m not straight. If my kid is straight, that’s fine, but I do hope she considers herself culturally queer, y’know?
      #5….haha seriously….my wife and I both suck at and mostly hate cooking. It’s so irritating! You would think that with two women, the odds would be better that at least one of us would be good at it! We’re planning on sending our kid to cooking camp or something. We’re really hoping she’ll develop a passion for food and will cook us delicious meals until she moves out.

      • Paul White

        culturally queer? What?

      • http://www.twitter.com/ohladyjayne allisonjayne

        Y’know, like culturally jewish? My wife’s jewish, but not religious; she (like many others) calls herself culturally jewish. So culturally queer….as in, a straight ally, but where the word ‘ally’ means more than just ‘I don’t beat gay people’ but means ‘I actively stand up for queer rights and feel just as comfortable in a predominately queer setting as I do in a predominately straight setting’. Or something along those lines anyway.

      • Paul White

        OK. I had no idea what you meant by that, thanks for clarifying.

    • JLH1986

      I have never ever ever ever asked “Who is/where is the father/mother” When meeting/knowing single parents, why the hell would I ask a gay couple? It’s not my business. How is this even relevant. If we are building a new friendship they may or may not tell me when we get there. #3 GTFO.

      • JLH1986

        I should add I’ve never asked married/dating couples either. Again your kids parentage is so not my concern.

      • Emmali Lucia

        I know right, if I was a single or lesbian mother and someone asked me who the father of my child is I’d ask the same question just to be a douche

      • Evelyn

        There are judgmental busybodies who *would* ask a question like that of a single parent the first time they meet them. Some people consider their own ways to be the only way to live your life.

      • JLH1986

        These would be the same assholes I would choose not to spend time with that. If I wanted to be preached to I would go to church. Some people just don’t get that.

      • Cassiopeia

        As the child of a single parent I came up with an answer that is absolutely certain to stop that sort of busybody in their tracks.
        “He’s dead,”

        This also works on random people asking me to smile when I don’t fucking feel like it.

        (I don’t think I’m a horrible person. I don’t wish him any ill will, it’s just that I’ve never met the guy, he’s never shown an iota of interest in my existence. And it makes that sort of person shut up and never ask again.)

    • Tea

      I really want to send in all the stupid questions Shep and I have gotten whenever we mention having kids now.

      Because two men will have no idea what to do with a crying baby (Yes I have heard that one. Our lack of maternal instinct means we will clearly stare at it and see what happens)

      • Koa_Beck

        You need to email these to me koa@mommyish.com!

      • Tea

        I shall! What formatting do you prefer? I use software for the visually impaired when on the computer, so it doesn’t work will all file types, but usually I find one that the modern world and VI-software works with.

      • Koa_Beck

        Just in the body of the email is fine. Please include what you’d like your byline to be!

      • Koa_Beck

        Thank you for asking!

      • Annie

        But don’t stare too hard. You never know who might have latent psychokinetic powers and ain’t nobody got time for scraping exploded baby off the walls.

      • Tea

        I really should not have laughed that hard

      • heatherclick89

        If you’re not failing every now and again, it’s a sign you’re
        not doing anything very innovative. Just move towards a new spam-free work to
        earn USD’s… http://www.bay35.ℂℴm

      • dblessedfool

        i was seriously reading this comment :|

      • abbienorma

        I think some people are just idiots and they’re idiots to everyone who has children, even though you may hear it more, there is no escape for anyone. I’ve got a son and a husband and I’m a lady…well, a woman, anyway…and I have to hear crap all the time. Just yesterday, my son gets out at preschool with his lunchbox and announces that Daddy packed it and everyone standing there is like “well, sh!t, son! How the hell did he manage that?!” Like my vagina would have gotten there first or his penis puts up a force field when he attempts to enter the kitchen and do work. I think, obviously, a lot of the stuff gay people put up with is deeply rooted in old fashioned sexism. It’s so damn old.

      • KSept

        sorry but you just dont understand the dilemna of being homosexual. Of course you had some sexism situations, but you dont live on daily basis with it.
        Im pregnant lesbian and with my wife I get asked ”where is the father, who is the father”. ”your son is gonna be ok with two women at home?” Is this just sexism? No. Its worst than that. Good luck with your lunch-box problem.

      • abbienorma

        Mmm…well…first, many congratulations on the baby. Second, this is longer than a cereal box back and I know people of the Internet think anything longer than a cereal box back is a novel. Actually, it’s just a few paragraphs, people, when that became a novel, I don’t know. Anyway, I’m expounding for two reasons..one, I think you slightly tried to..a bit unfairly..rake me over the coals. Two, I just think its insanely important for everyone to be thinking about these issues and their roots so we can affect change. I don’t want my kid (or yours) growing up in a world where he is vilified for who God made him, as long as he’s a kind person. There’s no excuse. So, first off…I do believe I said that gay parents undoubtedly experience it worse than most, (my cousin just today said some @sshole took a photo of her and her wife holding hands in the ER waiting room and she felt completely dehumanized, because probably that POS either put that on the internet for cheap laughs or texted it to someone for the same reason. And aside from that, who the hell wants their photo taken at the ER, where you’re supposed to be allowed to look like crap in peace?? I guess thank goodness their son wasn’t there or who knows what the a-hole would have done or said.) but my point was TO SOME EXTENT, every parent or pregnant woman deals with totally unacceptable comments from rude, thoughtless, or sometimes just inquisitive and oblivious, strangers or family. My 23 year old pregnant friend, who looked about 15 at the time and was engaged but not married, heard how “disgusting” and “trashy” her “teenage pregnancy” was from customers she waited on, as they were leaving, of course, because they didn’t tip her. Our co-worker made some truly horrible remarks about her being pregnant and unmarried. Myself, I’m raising my son without forcing him to BOY. So, there’s he has his “normal boy stuff,” but believe me, I hear plenty of crap about his pink kitten converse shoes, the barbies or my little ponies he requested and received, the lipstick he sometimes wants to go out in, the lipstick he bought as a treat went over really well with the old woman at the make-up counter, the gender bend family photo we did where he picked his own outfit…the pinkest dress, flower in hair wearingest, pearls and fuchsia lipstickest outfit you ever saw, and the “girl shirts” he sometimes picks out were super popular with my dad who became, quite suddenly, heinously homophobic. So popular that what ensued was a lot of screaming matches and promises that one slightly homophobic utterance in front of my son would result in a relationship severance, to spare my son wrestling with the idea that if he is gay or bi and chooses to come out to the family one day, his grandfather would hate him. And if you think that these things don’t all have a root in sexism, yes…gay hatred has its own layers on top, the root is still there…you’re being silly. Hatred towards gay men is SLIGHTLY more amplified than that towards gay women…because the men, no matter how manly they actually are, are seen as deliberately taking on a lesser, inferior role. That’s a part of it. If you think Sexism is a “lunchbox problem” or that I am not affected by it every. Single. Day. you aren’t paying attention. It affects me, you, your wife, our kids, a lot of men who don’t want to be shoved in a man mold, teenagers struggling with coming out, transgender people, in fact the whole LGBTQ community, women in MANY parts of the world who are subjected to genital mutilation, sexual slavery, and laws where they are property, and all women, everyday. It’s no lunchbox issue. It’s everywhere, from the cleaning supplies commercials, to the bullshit memes we see daily, to the lower pay for the same or more work…and it’s all part of a pervading mentality that is a huge problem. Why is it okay for a little girl to dress like a boy and take up baseball after school, but a boy who wants a pink pair of shoes and dance class is given crap? The mentality that women should aspire to male things and men shouldn’t lower themselves to female things. No one ever worries they’ll turn their daughter gay by putting her in jeans. It’s sexism. And a lot of that sexism actually does manifest in every idiot with no manners on the planet criticizing and questioning parenting choices, particularly those of women, gay or straight, or gay male couples. Whatever “Straight Dad” does that sucks…”LOL Straight Dad just isn’t cut out for it.” and he gets left alone or helped generally, rather than bitched at. Sexist much? So, that’s my preach on that. And all I was saying originally was that rude questions or comments are inescapable for all parents. And that a majority of the comments are based in sexism (the rest are about how you’re doing it wrong. So wrong that they had to say something FOR THE KID.) And it’s just true. I never said it isn’t harder for some sets of parents or that I know what it’s like to be a homosexual parent…I thought it was obvious, by the way I stated I’m in a heterosexual parent situation, that I don’t know what being a homosexual parent situation is like. I just thought that was a given.

      • Kat

        WOW lol. Agreed! (& I think I’m the only one to read this, but I usually write a novel, too lol)

    • Cee

      “What if s/he’s gay too?” “What if s/he’s straight?”

      Well many gay people today most likely came out of hetero families and were probably raised by straight families…soooo, I get a feeling lesbians can have hetero kids and raise hetero kids just fine.

      • Tinyfaeri

        Oh! Anecdote time! A professor I knew in college was a lesbian (and boy, was her S.O. hot), and she totally had a straight daughter. And I know a gay male couple, both of whom have sons, and both their sons are straight! Weird, right? Sigh.

      • Cee

        My “S.O.”is apparently hot to the heteros. Well obvi, I think she is hot, but ladies and some gay guys think she is a cute, blonde dude and get very disappointed/question themselves for a sec when they find out she’s a girl.

        But yea. I mean its so simple. A lot of gay people are raised by straight people, why can’t gays raise straight people? We can dress our girls in pink and teach our boys to spit, that is how you raise heteros right? :p

      • Tinyfaeri

        My 17 month old daughter can fart on command. I’m so proud (and so is she, lol).

        Anyway, some people are idiots when it comes to something or someone who is in some way different from them, no matter how relatively small that difference is.

        And re: hotness, oh, in reality she was gorgeous and feminine and brilliant – it would have been hard to not be at least a little in awe (“hot” is shorter to type). But then my straightness isn’t really all that straight, I just happened to end up with a guy who just happened to be the person who was the best fit for me. :)

    • Evelyn

      I am sorry to hear that you are getting so much grief from what sound like a load of idiots. It really sounds like a lot of the people you come into contact with need to grow up and stop projecting their own issues on to yo. Perhaps they hassle you because they live their lives constricted by their narrow views and in fear of judgment by similarly narrow people.

      The only experience I have of lesbian mothers are ones who are very good mothers, but then they are the kind of people who would be very good parents if one of them were a man, and thus a father. Basically they are just parents, the same as all the other parents, which should be ridiculously obvious to anyone with half a brain. All those petty concerns that judgmental people seem to be bugging you with really aren’t a problem, as you say.

    • Cee

      The one that someone asked me that was pretty sad and hateful was: “Well what religion would raise them if they all hate you?”

      • Tea

        What makes me especially sad is knowing that there are at least two people in the world that have asked this, because we heard it too…

      • Koa_Beck

        Good god.

      • Cee

        Seriously. I live in good ol California. You know, “home of the gays” and I get so much stupid shit all.the.time.

      • Evelyn

        Ouch, how spiteful. Religion doesn’t have to be about hate and persecution. Many respectable religious figures manage to be tolerant and accepting. The retired archbishop Tutu said “I would not worship a God who is homophobic, and that is how deep I feel about this, I would refuse to go to a homophobic heaven. ‘No,’ I would say. ‘Sorry. I mean, I would much rather go to the other place.’” I am not a Christian bit I really respect him.

      • Cee

        I LOVE Desmond Tutu. It is odd that my atheist girlfriend introduced me to him, lol.

      • Evelyn

        I am also an atheist. I think it is the combination of integrity, bravery and tolerance. He is a man who is devout in his personal beliefs, never swerves from them or compromises on what he thinks is right, but you feel that he wouldn’t judge or look down on you for being different from him or believing different things (or not believing at all).

      • Muggle

        That’s horrible. I take it “no religion at all, they’ll be atheist” would not be an acceptable answer…

      • Cee

        I said “well obviously not your hateful one”

    • nikki753

      How about you just hang out with the people and, if they want to, you’ll find out many of these things and it will come about naturally and not at all awkwardly through comments like, “When I was pregnant with Cindy…” or “When we were adopting Cindy…” or “We’re going on a picnic next week with Joe, our close friend who donated the sperm.” or “Shopping for a donor was really cool or weird.” or whatever.

      Or maybe you’ll never find out. OH WELL. Most of these things are pretty private and there are still people in the world who don’t feel the need to talk about their sex lives, impregnation, adoption, parenting, private relationship details, etc. with people they aren’t particularly close to. And it’s not anyone else needs to know these things.

      • http://www.twitter.com/ohladyjayne allisonjayne

        Totally. I have ZERO problem (generally) when people ask me intrusive questions IF I know they are asking not just out of curiosity but because they are also queer women who might want to get knocked up someday. If you’re asking me how we ‘did it’, or what it was like picking a donor, or whatever, because the information I have might actually be useful for you, then I will have no issue providing it. If you’re asking so you can tell your gossipy friends lots of juicy details about the crazy dyke family you met? NO.

    • Rachel Sea

      There’s a variation of 1 and 2 that is super awesome: “How will you get pregnant?” Aside from the problematic assumption that we want to, or can get pregnant, people asking that are basically asking who will carry, whose genes will contribute, and whether there will be a doctor, a turkey baster, or a penis getting the sperm where they need to go. Because asking someone who is going to put sperm in her vagina is a totally normal question over which to make their acquaintance. “Are you going to screw a random guy in a bar? Oh, do try the brie.”

    • kitten

      My friend who is married to a woman, has a little boy, she told him he was not allowed to have boy/girl sleepovers with the little girl he likes. He replied “but boys and boys can like each other”. haha, smart kid. ;)

    • Momma425

      I would never make these comments to single parents of one gender or the other…why make this comment to a child.
      Additionally, there is so much divorce, and step-parenting situations out there that it is no longer safe to assume that if you see a child with a heterosexual couple in the grocery store, both of those people are the parents. People assume that my daughter is related to my husband all the time because he is a red-head and she has blonde hair. People always assume I am the stepmother because I dye my hair much darker. *rolls eyes* Why say anything at all, what does it even matter who the biological parent is?

    • Annie

      Ehhh. There’s a really big difference between having an absentee father and not having a father. If there’s no question of abandonment, I don’t see where the trauma would come in.

    • Tinyfaeri

      These are terrible. Irrational, stupid hate aside, is no one taught manners anymore? None of these should be asked of anyone. Ever. If they wanted you know, you’d know, you know? Otherwise, back the fuck off and mind your own damn business.

    • Common Sense

      THANKS FOR HELPING SPEED THE DOWNWARD SPIRAL OF VALUES.

      • Simone

        Merry trilling laugh.

        Hush, the grownups are speaking.

      • meteor_echo

        The Caps Lock button is on the left side of your keyboard. Use it wisely, young Padawan.
        And sod off with teh ~values~. Seriously, just shut it.

      • chickadee

        The values that you apparently espouse are much better off in a downward spiral…spiraling down the toilet, ideally.

    • Katy Black

      My favorite question (meaning I always want to punch the asker): so you’re going to have sex with a man?
      No. Just stop.

    • Wendy

      When you’re on this article, the other articles at the top are “10 Reasons/Twins,” “11 Things/Google,” “10 Things/Terrible Mom.” Only 2 of these don’t have a number in them. If I went to the actual Mommyish home page, there’s even more that aren’t on that top row with pics that fit this same criteria. And the “10 Things Not to Say to A….” whatever is starting to feel…done. Am I the only one who would like to see other articles than just lists with GIFs for everything? It was fun at first, but now it feels like that’s all there is. I probably would have enjoyed this article if it was treated like the serious topic it is; it didn’t need to look like fluff. I think Mommyish readers are intelligent enough that we can handle bigger paragraphs and we don’t need a picture for every single idea.

      • chickadee

        I also prefer the gif-free articles, but Koa commented to me that most of the Mommyish readers prefer this style of article, so I think we should expect to see more of them rather than fewer. Articles without gifs and lists appeal to me more because there is more discussion and analysis of the issue, and because the gifs aren’t slowing down the loading speed of the page.

        I read this one because I am on my phone and gifs are disabled.

    • LadyBugG

      It’s when I read things like this that I thank fate I live in a part of the country, and, even more so, a wonderful town/community, where families come in all types. I have a friend who is a single mom who chose to go the sperm donation route after she never met “the one” – yet still really wanted a child. One beautiful, healthy girl later and she deals with similar questions to some of the ones listed about. I also have many male and female friends in same sex relationships/marriages, both with and without children, and, where I am, it is not even close to being an issue. I am not going to claim that gay couples where I am don’t still field dumb questions and comments like this, but they are the exception, not the rule. I am raising my children to understand the definition of “family” goes far beyond mommy, daddy and baby/babies and include all kinds of combinations of people who simply love each other. I pray the rest of the country, and maybe some day the world, catches up to this ideal soon.

    • Emily Clocke

      About the Father’s Day one, you could (depending on yours and your fiancee’s relationships with your fathers) celebrate Grandfather’s Day on Father’s Day instead. Have the kiddos make a macaroni cup for their Grandfathers.

      • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

        WHAT IS THIS MACARONI CUP? Please say it is a cup filled with macaroni and cheese. I want someone to make me one

    • Fremenn

      Why would you ask someone about their donor? Or a child’s biological parents? If it’s even remotely any of your business, you would probably already know!

    • Skye Belle Matilda Brand

      I think the only one of the I’ve ever come close to is the father/donor one…I used to babysit a gorgeous munchkin who has two Mums. I was chatting to them one night after they came home (rural area so I stayed over after sitting vacates it was a 45 minute drive home) & I asked if Munchkin has any sort of relationship with her biological father. She does BTW, but this isn’t something I would ever ask if I didn’t know them & hadn’t established a comfortable friendship.

      I imagine being gay has many frustrations due to the ignorance of some people but I truly believe that most people have the right motives, they just lack in the delivery! They’re just trying to understand the situation better & that’s got to be a good thing because someone who wants to know more & understand you better isn’t usually a hate file bigot!!!!

    • beachgirlshari

      Personally, unless the information is offered, I don’t think inquiring about the donor/father is appropriate….parents will share the information they wish to share. Also, not all of us lesbian moms acquired our children via donor, many of us were once partnered in ill-fated, misguided hetero marriages and our children have a dad and a mom and one or more step moms or step dads. Again, never presume anything.

    • Woodstockgurl

      All of these are inappropriate and none of your damn business. So just stop. Really,