• Mon, Aug 26 - 12:30 pm ET

STFU Parents: How Not To Mommyjack Your Childfree Friends

It’s been a couple of weeks since TIME magazine revealed its cover story “The Childfree Life,” notably depicted with a photo that’s been criticized for presenting a “deceptive fantasy of the child-free life” with “lazy yuppies.” For anyone who regularly reads articles and blog posts about parenting, “mommy wars,” and whether having kids makes people ebullient or suicidal (because there is no in-between!), this story didn’t come as much of a surprise. In fact, all that surprises me these days is the way people continue to eat up the media’s constant regurgitation of the same stale debates. I’m so bored by lists that compare raising a toddler to being in combat, or things you should never say to your friend who has one kid, or twins, or no kids, or whaaaatever. We are all responsible for our own happiness, whether kids enter the picture or not, and there’s no use in comparing large groups of people by generalizing about their “childfree” vs. “family” lives.

That said, I receive a large number of links to the aforementioned articles, and that tells me people are still affected by these debates. Women in particular are confronted on a daily basis about their “lack” of children or asked about their future family plans, and it’s hurtful and annoying. Part of what attracts a certain demographic to STFU, Parents are the posts about mommyjacking, which often pertain to people who are childfree. What’s compelling about the reader response is that it doesn’t matter if people are planning to have kids in the future but don’t have any right now (a.k.a “childless”), OR if they don’t want to have kids at all (a.k.a. “childfree”), because both groups are equally put off by intrusive questions and comments about becoming a parent. Society has told us for years that it’s normal to ask a woman “when” she plans on having children — not “if” — but many people (men and women) are not very comfortable with that casual conversation. So even if I’m a little tired of hearing about the debate between parents and non-parents, most people aren’t. And judging by the current climate and that TIME magazine story, the discussion is only ramping up. To help provide more fodder, here are five (more) examples of mommyjacking that demonstrate what NOT to say to your childfree (or childless) friends on Facebook (or ever).

1. You’re “ready” for kids.

STFU Parents

No one wants to be told he or she is “ready” for babies, like life is merely preparing us for our one true mission: procreation. Yes, for many people, children are the future (at least, their future), but for many others, they’re not, so cut it out with all the assumptions.

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  • keelhaulrose

    As a mom who occasionally talks about my life beyond the rugrats, life is not all about the kids. And they really don’t need to be mentioned every second of every day. Enough. Get a life beyond the kids. There’s a world out there that doesn’t involve diapers, don’t you remember?

    • kitten

      agree, actually i mention them rarely on facebook and hubs and i try to go out with friends and stuff and just not speak of our children at all! theres a whole life out there not revolving around the children

    • Amber

      Agreed as well. I have one friend who just had a child and ONLY talks about her newborn–the most mundane things. Like she got a new car seat (oh, yay…junior can face the front now. Who cares?). And then, of course, she talks about the baby’s toilet habits, and I end up blocking those posts.

    • KaeTay

      ok when I talk about my daughter it’s none of those things. But I’ll admit I was pretty excited when she started walking at such a young age. I only brought it up when people would stop us and talk about how pretty she was and such.

    • Simone

      For realz?

    • Christine

      And this is what we call “mommyjacking.”

    • Erin W

      KaeTay has become a parody poster. Look at all the STFU classics that she managed to hit in one comment!

    • Lilly

      Seriously, to mention kids in every single conversation makes a person sound like a total loser. Like you said, get a life beyond the kids.

    • KaeTay

      at the risk of a clique.. when you have kids of your own IF you choose to you’ll understand why parents talk about their kids. It’s no longer about yourself, it’s about them.

    • whiteroses

      Sure, I talk about my son a lot. But not in every single conversation.

    • thabe331

      I need more people like you on my facebook

    • G.S.

      Yeah, but when I eventually have kids of my own, i’ll still be my own person with my own likes, dislikes, and hobbies. I get that kids will cut into the free time I have to read, watch tv, sew (I’m a dollmaker), but I’ll still like and talk about books, television shows and making things. Will I talk about my kids? Yes, absolutely, but I can also find other things to talk about when the conversation moves away from/has nothing to do with them.

    • Gangle

      You really went there, didn’t you?! Wow. Just, wow. Because I know plenty of self-involved, self-motivated parents (I think I might be leaving a comment to one of them now) and I know plenty of selfless, giving and volunteering childless/free people. Lilly never said that talking about your children is lame. She said making your children the subject of every single conversation you ever had is lame. It is fantastic to talk about your kids sometimes. But it is also fantastic to talk about art, politics, food, gardening, social economics, cats, books, movies, relationships and travel sometimes too.

    • Amber

      Bullshit. I have kids and I can have a conversation that isn’t about them. If you can’t, you are a loser with no life, just as Lilly suggested.

    • disqus_RcnfTzAghr

      No… lots of things are still about me.
      Kickboxing class? Me.
      My job? Me.
      That damn awesome birthday cake I baked my Mum? Me. (Okay and my Mum, but I baked it)
      The book I am working on? Me.
      My super snazzy new shoes? Me.
      Me.Me.Me.Me.Me.

    • Simone

      I rarely talk about my kids with anyone apart from their father. They’re kids, they’re doing fine, happy healthy busy, good good good. Have never posted a picture on Facebook, do not need to share their first day of school or frequent injuries with others, because I’m not very interested in other people’s children and therefore I assume they’re not all that interested in mine either.

      Kids are like farts; you only like your own.

    • Carrie-Nell

      kae I think the word you meant to use was “cliché”. You can be a proud parent and not have to talk about your kids 24/7. In order to be a good parent it is important to be well rounded and have a vatiety of things to talk about other than your kids.

    • Leigha7

      If your entire life is about your kid, and you have literally nothing else going on–no job, no hobbies, no interests, not even a TV show that you’re following–then that is sad and you are boring.

      I’m not saying that to be judgmental, I’m saying that because you need to get a hobby or something, for your own sanity.

      I don’t know about anyone else, but when I was a kid, my family made sure I was aware that everyone mattered, and everyone had their own thoughts and lives. If they were busy enjoying personal time doing something they liked (watching their favorite TV show, doing the crossword puzzle, whatever), I was supposed to entertain myself for awhile. I was an only child, so that really did mean entertaining myself, alone. There’s a period of time when this can be nearly impossible (the toddler stage), but outside of those couple years, it’s doable, and it’s important for both you AND the kid. How will they learn to respect that others have interests apart from them if you actually don’t?

      Talking about your kids is fine. It’s expected, and a lot of people enjoy hearing it sometimes. Talking about nothing but your kids and inserting them into completely unrelated conversations is the problem.

    • Jayamama

      “If your entire life is about your kid, and you have literally nothing
      else going on–no job, no hobbies, no interests, not even a TV show that
      you’re following–then that is sad and you are boring.”

      I am a SAHM to my 21-month-old daughter and have another baby due in two months. My entire life revolves around what my daughter has been learning and how the baby has been growing. I spend most of my day at home doing typical mom/wife things. I have little else to talk about, because that’s pretty much every day, all day for me.

      That being said, I realized a few months ago that most of my friends (especially the single, childless ones) and family don’t want to hear just about the kids. I decided that I needed to take up a hobby, maybe start reading some books in my free time, anything to have an alternate topic but children. It’s hard, but I’ve been taking measures to broaden my repertoire, so that I’m not that stereotypical boring SAHM whose life is completely wrapped up in her little ones.

      I think you’ve nailed it, here. It’s okay to talk about the kids, especially to people who want to hear about them. But if that’s all you can talk about, you’re not going to keep your friends for very long.

    • KaeTay

      Sorry but I enjoy spending every moment with my daughter. I get my time when she’s asleep and when she gets older and actually likes people. Mine does NOT like strangers so there’s no way to get a baby sitter at the current time. Don’t be harsh on parents who are proud parents (like myself). I’d rather be around parents who talked about their kids rather then ones who never did.. I’d worry about the ones who never did. Especially since within the first couple years of their life you worry if they are making milestones or if mentally they might be falling behind.

    • keelhaulrose

      I am a proud mother of two. I do share things about my children. Just today I proudly shared a few pictures of my daughter as she was getting on the bus heading off to kindergarten for the first time, but I’m not going to take twenty-seven pictures of her getting ready, getting on the bus, and the bus going through the neighborhood. Baby’s first word earns a mention, but not the ten million that follow. ‘Thank goodness I’m done with potty training’ has happened, but never up-to-the-minute status updates complete with pictures. All those are real-life examples I’ve been subjected to by other moms on my feed.

      I am around my children more often than not, but that’s not an excuse to make everything about my children. My favorite TV show is not Doc McStuffins because the kids adore it. My favorite food is not hot dogs with ketchup because that’s theirs. My oldest adores Matilda, and while I think it’s a great book, it’s certainly not my favorite. I am my own person, so why would my facebook only show my children as if that’s the only thing in my life? Why should I feel the right to bring motherhood into a post that clearly has nothing to do with being a mother? The world does not revolve around my children, as big a part of my life as they are.

    • NotCinderell

      See, I didn’t mention my kids’ first words.

      When my daughter busted out the word “princess” before she turned 2, though, I mentioned that. Because, well, wow…Are little girls genetically modified to be princess-obsessed these days?

    • Leigha7

      “‘Thank goodness I’m done with potty training’ has happened, but never up-to-the-minute status updates complete with pictures.”

      I have literally seen at least half a dozen, “[name] peed in the potty!” statuses in the past few months. I don’t know what it is about actually saying what they’re doing, as opposed to just saying they’re potty-trained, but I find it super awkward. I totally understand being excited about it, but do you really have to phrase it that way?

    • G.S.

      Dude, she’s not saying to not spend time wih your kids, just that she doesn’t like it when every word out of parents’ mouths is about their kids, no matter the conversation topic at hand (see: mommyjackers). If you love spending all your time with your little girl, fine, more power to you, There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. Just like there’s nothing wrong with discussing milestones and development. It’s when it consumes the parent’s whole being to the point of sanctimommy and you wonder what’s going to happen in 20 years when the kid moves away that it gets annoying.

    • whiteroses

      The thing is… my son is his own separate person. I don’t plaster him all over Facebook. I don’t talk about his bowel movements or the state of his genitalia. I don’t post a lot of pictures of him either. That’s not because I don’t love him, and it’s not because I’m not proud. Facebook isn’t his baby book, and my 300 or so friends don’t need to know about the contents of his diapers. Even a one year old deserves privacy. I adore my son, and everyone who knows me personally knows that I would lay down my life for him. I don’t need to keep restating it. I feel the same way about my son that I do about my husband. If you doubt that I love him, you’re not paying attention.

      I’m a wife, mother, daughter, sister-in-law, aunt, cousin, friend, niece, sorority alumna, amateur historian, BBC enthusiast, voracious reader, lover of sincerely crappy TV, knitter, accomplished home cook (etc, etc, etc)…. “Mommy” is a major part of who I am, but is by no means all that I am.

    • disqus_RcnfTzAghr

      “Even a one year old deserves privacy”
      For me, this is one of the most important parts.

    • whiteroses

      I’ve always believed that. Online presence isn’t reality.

    • NotCinderell

      So you’re suggesting that parents who want some “me” time or “us without the kids” time aren’t proud parents? Whatever. My son sat up on his own for the first time while my husband and I were out on a date celebrating our anniversary. I have no guilt over this. My stepmom mentioned it to me when I got home. I didn’t exactly miss tracking that milestone.

      Hey, my husband was at work the first time he crawled. Does that make him not a proud parent? I don’t even remember the first time my daughter sat up or crawled. I was probably too busy chasing her brother around keeping him from destroying everything.

      I do post about my kids on Facebook, because they’re freaking hilarious, but I do it in a way that doesn’t annoy my childfree friends.

  • Annona

    The one with the kittens…blech. I get pretty tired of the assumption that I have pets to fill some hole in my empty empty childfree life, which happens a lot. I have pets because I enjoy them, and I don’t have children because I don’t enjoy them. I don’t understand why that is a hard concept.

    • Alex

      “because I don’t enjoy them”

      Found the problem. Theirs, not yours.

    • SarahJesness

      True story: some people have both kids AND pets! Shocker, right? People who think that pet owners are trying to fill a child-shaped void are idiots. People get pets to fill pet-shaped voids, and kids to fill kid-shaped voids. My family never goes a long period of time without having a cat, so I’ve literally had them around all my life. Because my parents (especially my dad) like cats.

  • Alex

    Of all the potential side effects of having a third arm, an underrated benefit would be a third middle finger so that I could more properly express my feelings at these posters “friends”.

  • Smiffy

    Sick of parents like this who totally lose their identity the moment children are born. Yes children are amazing for you, yes a huge part of your life but you don’t have to stop existing. I know plenty of amazing parents who have lives outside of their kids.
    And ill say it 100 times. Being a parent is NOT the be all and end all of hard work. I’ve been many times more sleep deprived than parents. Do I jack other people’s posts about it? No. If mine gets jacked by it you bet your ass I will be calling them out.
    Rant over.

  • LadyClodia

    I actually think that typical sick kittens are more stressful than typical sick kids. I used to volunteer a lot at a cat shelter, but I only fostered kittens once, and I was sure I could handle it. They got sick, and I tried my best, but I ended up in tears having to take them back to the shelter so someone with more experience with sick kittens could help them. Someone else did, and everything went OK, but I’m pretty sure that I’ve never lost it like that taking care of my kids when they’ve been sick.

    • Paul White

      Umm, I’d say no. I’ve dealt with a lot of sick critters from pythons to dogs, and sick kids are (usually) worse. The only exceptions are large carnivores, because treating them carries an extra air of risk.

    • LadyClodia

      Fair enough, but for me it was worse. I had 5 7 week old kittens in a room and all of them had diarrhea and colds, and some were a bit underweight beforehand anyway, and I was stressed out and very worried about them. I’ve never been worried that my kids were going to die from a stomach bug or cold, but it was a real possibility with those kittens.

    • Annona

      That was what I thought, too, really, but you articulated it better. I’ve never dealt with a sick child, and I’m sure that it’s nerve wracking and stressful, but it probably also does not carry the “OMG, this thing is possibly going to die!” feeling of caring for a sick animal. Especially once a sick child is old enough to articulate to you how they feel so you can judge how sick they actually are, which never happens with animals. Sick animals sometimes even pretend to be well until they’re pretty far gone, which I don’t think is a problem with children (at least until they grow up to be men.)

    • LadyClodia

      Yeah, once they’re old enough to talk kids usually aren’t shy about complaining when they’re sick. (How true about men, too, my husband did not articulate the extent of his problem losing his eyesight until we found out he was legally blind…it was caused by a tumor, and he’s better now and so is his eyesight.)

    • NicknamesAreDull

      I really never lose my cool with my kid, I worry but I never feel like she’s going to die. But, I have a senior pug who I’ve had for a long time, and any time he gets sick, I stress about it until he’s better. So, I agree that sick animals can be more stressful than humans

    • TattooedLittleMiss

      That is exactly what my cat did. By the time we figured out he was sick and not just being overly social, he was too far gone into lymphoma to even try to treat. Kids will always let you know when they are sick and many times when they aren’t.

    • Shelly Lloyd

      Sorry to hear about your kitty. Cats are good at hiding their illness.

    • Paul White

      I can’t speak for when they’re older–mine’s still a baby–but Sam had an intense bout of norovirus at about 5 months (it got my wife and I at the same time too). Dealing with a sprouting infant in between puking yourself was just a fresh level of hell I never want to go through again. And we were (are) new parents and were terrified as well as miserable.

    • LadyClodia

      Oh yeah, it’s a fresh level of hell when you’re horribly ill and so is your baby/child. Even though my oldest had reflux problems and threw up a lot, I never experienced a baby vomiting from being sick. The worst he was sick was when he had diarrhea for a month at around 8 months. That was bad but I can see how it would be so much worse if I had also been sick.

    • Allyson_et_al

      Ugh. I remember being in the pediatric er with my dehydrated, infant son. We both had the flu, and I had a temperature of 103. It was the worst. That said, the only proper response to the woman with the sick kittens is, “I hope they feel better soon!” Stress isn’t a zero-sum game, mommy-jacker!

    • zeisel

      That happened to my husband and I with a stomach virus. Our baby was 11 months old and we would ‘take turns’ throwing-up and going #5, while cleaning our babies projectile throw-up and #5 that would leak a mile past its diaper. Plus, the fevers and aches.. I was so concerned about my baby being dehydrated that I don’t think I even realized how sick I really was. Sometimes shit hits the fan and you just can’t compare an animal to a sick baby/child. Sorry. You are justified Paul….. I read your other post and can’t believe people down voted it. Everyone has different experiences with their babies and just because they didn’t have one that was downright serious and debilitating, doesn’t mean that you couldn’t have.

    • BigBlue

      “but it probably also does not carry the “OMG, this thing is possibly going to die!” feeling of caring for a sick animal.”
      I’d guess that depends on the child. My son was a preemie, and so was more fragile than most babies. I had that feeling every time he was sick for his first year. Especially the time I found him struggling to breathe and turning blue. I’ve never been more scared than that middle of the night trip to the ER. I’ve cared for lots of sick animals in my life and it just doesn’t compare for me.

    • LiteBrite

      I think it depends on the age of the child. Sam is still fairly young, correct? (Like toddler age?) When C was that age, I’d say the difficulty between him being sick and the cats being sick was about 50/50. Now that he’s nearly six, sick cats are way worse than sick C. He at least can tell me what’s wrong. The cats can’t. We can also claim the boy on our insurance, when lessens the cost burden. Guess whose pockets my $500 vet bill today came out of.

      (Note: He’s also never had what I consider to be a life-threatening illness. If he had, I’m sure my POV would be different.)

      Plus, it’s easier getting medication down a six-year-old’s throat than a cat. I mean, they make all kinds of kid-friendly flavors for meds. Last I checked, they don’t have catnip or Fancy Feast-flavored meds. :)

    • Paul White

      He’s 9 months old (he’s been out just as long as in!)

    • JAn

      Actually I’ve worked at independent pharmacies (i.e. not Walgreens, CVS, etc.) and we would manually compound and/or flavor medication for pets. A common one was adding beef flavoring to Dilantin (phenytoin) for dogs with seizure disorders. Colleges of veterinary medicine sometimes have pharmacies open to the public that specialize in pet meds as well. Just an FYI. I took classes and rotations in veterinary Pharmacy as a student.

      Additionally I’ve worked in NICUs and PICUs and pediatric ERs. To me, sick kids are worse. A lot of them, especially the small ones, can’t articulate their pain or symptoms either. I think it’s a matter of degree.

    • LiteBrite

      Good to know about pet meds. Typically when I get meds for my cats I get them straight from my vet. Unfortunately they are not flavored with anything palatable (at least to them), so getting them to take the meds is an exercise in patience and frustration.

      In regards to kids, my son has never had anything more serious than strep throat, and even then he was feeling pretty good after a couple of days. If he ever does get anything more serious, I’m sure my feelings will change.

    • shellylou

      Here’s a tip that I like to give: get wet food, make a meatball and stick the pill in the meatball. The animal will generally eat the meatball, especially if there is a high meat to pill ratio. Cats really suck when it comes to giving pills. Unless you’re giving a liquid. Then what Id do is use a dosing sryinge, fill it with meds, place the syringe between the teeth and the cheek and shoot it on in.

    • LiteBrite

      I’ve tried that actually. Success = nada. My cats will eat everything BUT the pill every time. I’ve had a bit of success with liquids, but my little cat will just foam most of it right out.

      My vet gave me a “piller” yesterday. Basically it’s just a long syringe-like tube. You put the pill in the small rubber opening, open the cat’s mouth, and shoot the pill down her throat. The pills are small enough that I’m not worried about them getting stuck (if the pills were bigger, it would probably be more of an issue). Score one for the cat mom, at least this time!

    • meteor_echo

      I usually smash the pills into powder, mix them with a small amount of milk, and simply pour the mixture down the cat’s throat. One teaspoonful of milk won’t make them choke, and they’re unlikely to spit it out either, because it’s milk. The piller thing sounds interesting, too!

    • LiteBrite

      We’ve done the pill-smashing thing too but in water. No dice. But maybe it would’ve worked if we had tried milk.

      The piller had worked two days in a row now, so I’m happy. Considering the big cat has to take these pills for the next four weeks, I’m glad we have something that seems to involve less effort than holding a 16lb cat down and forcing her to take her meds. :)

    • meteor_echo

      Wow, that’s one massive critter you have! Both of mine are smaller :) What breed is yours?

    • LiteBrite

      My one cat – the big one – is a Maine Coon. Granted she’s overweight, but even so she is a big kitty: long, tall, big paws, and a ton of fur. Whenever I see normal-sized cats, they look so tiny to me because I’m used to seeing this huge cat prowling about my house.

      The other is a smaller cat, domestic longhair. She’s a chunky little bugger though.

    • Leigha7

      My family gave our dogs medicine by wrapping it tightly in a piece of American cheese. I suppose they could still get the pill out if they really wanted to, but it’d be difficult because of the texture of the cheese and how well it was smushed.

    • Leigha7

      The pharmacy at the regional chain grocery store where I’m from had signs up that listed 1. the flavors you could get children’s medicine in and 2. the flavors you could get pet medicine in. I always thought it was kind of neat.

    • KatDuck

      Growing up our dog – a huge mutt with a good dose of german shepherd in him – could somehow manage to gulp down his food like he was starving AND eat around the carefully hidden pill. Like smaller-than-asprin small. Dad had to do the old-fashioned piller version of pulling his mouth open and throwing the pill down. Good times. Fortunately more recent creatures have been less remarkable in that respect.

    • meteor_echo

      Sorry, dude, but it depends upon the level of sick. I once picked a DYING stray cat up from the street, and, when my mother looked at me trying to nurture him back to health, she said I had more patience with him than she did with me. Plus, I don’t think you have a feral kid that would try to claw and bite the shit out of your face even while having a broken lower jaw (severely infected, too). I bet your kid has manners.

    • meteor_echo

      Aww, how cute, downvoters galore. Bring it on, sanctiparent lurkers :)

    • Lisa

      Child == cat, no matter what level of sick. That’s why someone down voted you. Don’t need to be a “sanctiparent” to figure that out. I dare you to walk up to a parent who has a child with cancer and tell them that a sick cat is equally or more stressful.

    • meteor_echo

      Pets can get cancer as well, sorry to break it to you. When I was a kid, we had a cat who died at 7 years old from sarcoma that developed in two weeks, and I was there when the kitty was put down. That cat was my best friend at the time. I cried so much that my eyes fucking BLED. Tell me about stress, will you.

    • Lisa

      Want me to tell you about stress? My 2 year old daughter had leukemia. I had to bury my 2 year old. Do you even know how many times I sat in the hospital beside her and cried? How many times I’ve prayed that I could be the one to have it, rather than my baby? You’re one of those people that deserve to be punched in the mouth when they badger people about kids. You have NO idea what someone could be going through. I couldn’t give a fuck about your goddamn cat if I tried.

    • meteor_echo

      First of all, my condolences.
      Second, having gone through grief does not diminish the grief that others go through – you buried your child, I buried my dear friend when I was a child. I wouldn’t tell you that I don’t give a damn about your kid, because life is not a fucking suffering Olympics and I AM sorry that you had to go through something like this. I don’t give a fuck, however, about you not giving a fuck about “my goddamn cat”, since I generally don’t give a fuck about hostile people.

      Also, what? “You’re one of those people that deserve to be punched in the mouth when they badger people about kids”? You really missed the mark by a mile, since I’m childfree and haven’t ~badgered people about kids~ ever in my life. Assumptions make an ass out of you.

    • Lisa

      You can take your fake condolences and shove it.

    • meteor_echo

      Up your ass, though.

    • Mya

      DAFUQ is this shit from both of you? Seriously? Nastiest pissing contest ever.

    • meteor_echo

      *shrugs*
      Sorry, I’m generally not a nice person, and I don’t treat the “your grief is nothing” kind of people too well, either. If she were more polite, I’d have apologized, but, since I got a rant, no apologies will be given.

    • Duke

      “Generally not a nice person”… Maybe that’s why your best friend was a cat.

      Lisa, you sincerely have my condolences for your loss. My brother and his wife lost their child as well, and it’s a hell I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. No one should have to go through that.

    • meteor_echo

      No, my best friend at the age of 10 was a cat because the kids in my class decided that it was a good idea to bully me for being poor and having no money to dress well, and also for liking to read and study. Surprise surprise, children can be little shits to whoever they dislike. But go ahead, I’d like to hear some more assumptions about my life.

    • Rodiansinger

      I am so sorry to hear about your cat. The day that we had to put down my pet cat of sixteen years was the worst day of my life, so I understand your pain. Logically I know she’s no longer in pain and maybe that makes me selfish for wanting to keep her around longer but I still had a hard time letting her go. I know exactly what it’s like to love and cherish an animal that you grew up with and took care of and having to let them go for their own good. And I also know the feeling of never being able to replace that pet with another and being afraid to open up your life to a new animal afterwords.
      My sincerest condolences.

    • meteor_echo

      Thank you, and I’m sorry for your loss as well. It’s the worst thing about all the creatures close to yourself – they die :(

    • Leigha7

      I can understand that response. I can’t imagine anything worse than losing a child (except maybe losing your significant other, and I refuse to compare the two).

      That said, one person’s grief does not invalidate anyone else’s. There are people who’ve had greater losses than yours (objectively), but that in no way diminishes your pain, nor does it mean you shouldn’t feel it. Someone who was devastated by the death of a believed pet or friend is still allowed to feel that way, regardless of how many people have lost a child or spouse, and they still deserve sympathy for their loss.

      Furthermore, nothing in the actual post was about dying children or pets. It was about sickness, which normally implies something simple, like the flu. If you compare the death of a child to the death of a pet, obviously the child is worse, but if you compare a mildly sick child to a mildly sick pet, it’s not tremendously different. If you compare a mildly sick child to the death of a pet, the pet is far worse.

      There is legitimately no reason for you to say someone needs to be punched in the mouth because they were upset about the death of a pet whom they loved deeply. Have you ever had a pet die? I’m sure it pales in comparison to what you’ve experienced now, but if you had a pet die before, I’m sure you found it painful at the time.

      There was also no call for saying they were fake condolences. I highly doubt anyone is going to tell you they’re sorry for what you had to go through and not feel at least the tiniest bit bad, because well, it really does suck, and no one is going to say otherwise.

    • bamac

      Seriously, metero_echo was being REALLY polite about things, I don’t care who anyone has lost (and apparently [according to a bajillion studies], losing your significant other is worse than losing any other sort of family member. I haven’t, luckily, but my point is don’t diminish someone else’s grief, who the FUCK cares if it’s an animal, a person, etc. It’s like saying, “EAT YOUR PEAS THERE ARE STARVING CHILDREN IN AFRICA!”: – those children don’t get fed just because you eat your peas. Apple and oranges; no one’s grief is more important than someone else’s. I can see why Lisa grieving as she is, is all offended and hurt- but Duke, you’re being foolish. Yeesh.

    • whiteroses

      This. I have a friend who lost her daughter too. Different circumstances, but she still lost her daughter. Her pain is different than Lisa’s, because they’re different people. My great-grandmother lost most of her family in the Holocaust. I myself lost my grandfather to complications of emphysema, a beloved dog, and a beloved cat in the space of two years. Whose grief is worse? I don’t know, because unless I’m in your shoes, I CAN’T know. I don’t know what your cat meant to you. Pain is pain.

    • shellylou

      As a Vet Tech, I can honestly say kids and animals are pretty much equal in terms of stressfulness when theyre sick. I’ve hand raised my fair share of orphan animals, critically ill neonates and it can be exhausting and sometimes frustrating. Even kittens with an upper respiratory infection is tough- they are all stuffed up, eyes are goopy, sneezing everywhere and they look as miserable as a baby with a cold. Kids and pets are basically the same except with pets you don’t have to pay for college. Caring for an animal isn’t easier or harder than caring for a human.

  • kirsten

    I’m just in a slump right now, and this is a bit off topic, but I’m raging the opposite way. I feel like I try not to mommyjack, but if I wait for someone to ask about my kid, it never happens. In the last year, my son has been in and out of the hospital, major surgeries, home care (that I provide because it doesn’t provide itself btw), etc… Yet everyone I talk to says “so what’s new – like, for you, not the kid? what about the job hunt?” and I want to SLAP THEM ALL so hard and scream “I’m sorry my real life is too boring for you to want to hear about!”

    Seriously, maybe if people treated me like my life as a mom existed at all, and asked from time to time if I was ok, I wouldn’t have to cram updates down their throats.

    • Mystik Spiral

      “so what’s new – like, for you, not the kid? what about the job hunt?”

      What kind of people are you hanging around where “everyone” says that?

    • kirsten

      the kind I’m related to.

    • Mystik Spiral

      That sucks, I’m sorry. I don’t have kids, don’t want kids, and don’t really care for kids all that much, but I have the decency to ask about my friends’ kids. And I always know what’s going on with my nieces and nephews… they are pretty much the only kids I can stand for more than 15 minutes. :)

    • JLH1986

      Don’t currently have kids. But my usual conversations with my parent friends goes something like “Hey how are things going? How’s the hubs/wife, kids?” If your kid is having surgeries etc. and people aren’t asking how you and the patient are doing you have some pretty crap friends. :( That’s some next level obliviousness.

    • goofyjj

      I can understand but sometimes people don’t bring up stuff like that because they feel it’s sensitive and personal and they don’t know what to say. Or maybe, I know it sounds a little insensitive, but maybe they don’t feel like being deflated and being brought down. Sickness/surgery/hospital can really put a damper on one’s mood.

    • Justme

      But isn’t asking you and your life….asking about part of your “real life”?

    • EcnoTheNeato

      Don’t worry, they probably just find you more interesting than your children (or you with your kids). Or…maybe they did?

  • kay

    The only person where I mommyjack their sleep comments is my husband. Because when he complains he’s tired, we went to bed at the same time, and I was up with the baby a few times at night while he slept. (breastfed baby, he can’t help a whole lot. I keep telling him men can lactate, so we could share nighttime parenting. he keeps telling me thats not happening).

    And that’s only in conversations. At home. Because the only thing I like less than people complaining about things on Facebook is someone trying to one up the misery in the comments.

  • Lupe

    I really didn’t think most of these were bad. I mean, they were joking. Calm down and don’t take this shit too seriously. I’m really not enjoying STFU Parents anymore.

    • Tinyfaeri

      Yep, B’s being not joking at all. She’s really saying these people are horrible and deserve to die. /sarcasm

    • Kelly S

      those were…jokes? why weren’t they funny, and in fact really dumb and unoriginal, and sounding in fact like they meant it?

    • NicknamesAreDull

      I think what is inappropriate about the comments is that, even if the people were joking, it’s not funny. They have no idea if the couple wants kids, if the couple is having problems TTC, money or relationship problems. Asking someone when they are going to start having unprotected sex or hinting that they should start isn’t funny. It’s invasive, annoying and rude.

  • Amber

    The older I get the more obvious it becomes that people who try to push others into having babies are simply people who are deeply unhappy about being parents and want others to share in their misery.

    • jessica

      Right on and I’m actually going to take it a step further. Most people who are so deeply concerned about other people’s lives are deeply unhappy with their own lives. Happy people- or reasonably content people- who are mostly fulfilled with their own lives just don’t feel the need to butt in to everyone else’s business.

    • zeisel

      I also think that those people tend to have controlling traits/personalities to begin with! I think you’re right in the unhappy/happy concept and I think that people whom are more controlling/your business is my business are less happy and content.

    • jessica

      That is a good point. Controlling personalities kind of lean towards that type of behavior no matter what.

    • Allen

      I agree. I don’t know if many people consciously want others to share in their misery, but I think a lot of people like to treat parenthood as something inevitable because it makes them feel better.

  • Mary

    I’m the one person who speaks up when my nieces are badgered for not having kids yet (they choose not to have kids) and tell them, “don’t do it”! Everyone instructs me to be quiet but I continue speaking the truth. “you’ll be just as happy without them” I explain.

    • Annie

      Best. Aunt. Ever!

    • goofyjj

      I had a cousin who did this every time her mom would ask me about this. She’d say “mom that’s none of your business”. Best thing, my aunt would always ask us at funerals!!!

    • LawGeekNYC

      This is what my mom says to me. This is why my mom is also awesome.

      Well, not the “don’t do it” part. She just thinks I’ll be happy either way.

    • Christine

      I wish you were my aunt. Mine just say, “when you have kids, I’ll knit them sweaters!” Sigh.

  • JLH1986

    I always hope one of the people who get called out will comment so we can find out if they are really that out of it or if they realized what they said later and were all like “Damn!” like before they get called out for being poor FB friends.

  • G.S.

    “And move back to Ottawa!”

    STFU, Greg, they moved for a reason! Probably to get away from your patronizing ass. >:(

  • Blueathena623

    I’ve never understood the “wait until you have children!” thing. Pre-kids, there were plenty of times I was exhausted. Post-kid, I have reached levels of exhaustion I never knew existed. But telling me “wait until you have kids” would not have made me any more awake or less exhausted back in the day.
    If you have a headache and someone says “wait until you break your leg!” your head doesn’t feel any better.

    • Paul White

      Amen.
      I’ve had bouts of insomnia off and on most of my life.
      Yeah, I’m tired now. But I’m not really any more tired than I was after a month or so of only being able to stay asleep 2-3 hours a night–and that’s happened to me several times pre kid too.

    • goofyjj

      I honestly don’t know anyone over the age of 30 that isn’t at least a little bit tired at any given time – children or no children. (and some under 30 for that matter) That is how life is.

      that being said, I have a couple of friends with crazy sleep disorders that make them EXHAUSTED the majority of the time. HOW DARE some sanctimommy come up with the “until you have kids” crap.

    • Teal

      That’s always irritated me. It’s like parents think childless people aren’t “allowed” to be tired or something. So annoying.

    • KaeTay

      no I never thought childless couldn’t be tired.. just that with kids you find a new degree of tired. You can’t call in sick with a kid but you can with a job. (not counting sleep disorders in this statement)

    • G.S.

      I get that kids are a full-time responsibility and all, but If you’re tired, you’re tired, and it REALLY sucks to have your feelings dismissed, ignored or discounted because you have different things making you drop-dead tired (extremely demanding job, rough day with kids, university thesis, whatever, it doesn’t matter). If one says, “I am so tired I feel like I’m gonna die if I don’t go to sleep right now,” it should be, “Yeah, that really sucks. I hate it when that happens to me, too. Hope you can get some sleep soon.” It’s called EMPATHY.

    • DMH

      THIS.

    • R Zhao

      Actually, you can. You ask your husband, your mother, your sister, your friend, or your baby-sitter to help you out for the day if you are ill. For the record, however, most people I know don’t call in sick simply because they are tired. This is often why they are tired-they are busy/stressed and not getting enough sleep.

    • BarlowGirl

      I just worked a 12 hour shift on literally no sleep. (Literally literally.) Yeah, no, not everyone has that luxury, actually.

    • disqus_RcnfTzAghr

      Sick and tired are two different things anyway.
      I don’t have enough sick leave to go “Oh, bit tired today, going to call in sick”.

    • pitbullgirl1965

      My gott you are annoying. “A new degree of tired”. How arrogant and derailing. I’m guessing you were just as self absorbed and selfish before you had kids.

    • Guest

      I honestly don’t know anyone over the age of 30 that isn’t at least a little bit tired at any given time – children or no children. That is how life is.

      that being said, I have a couple of friends with crazy sleep disorders that make them EXHAUSTED the majority of the time. HOW DARE some sanctimommy come up with the “until you have kids” crap.

    • Saru

      This! As someone with chronic pain who is lucky if she gets three consecutive hours of sleep a night most nights, I’ve learned to push through that exhaustion because I work full time, but that doesn’t make me any less tired.

    • LawGeekNYC

      I hear you. I’m lucky that my pain goes away with an oxy, and well, then, I guess I’m the only person over 30 who *does* get a full night’s rest.

      If you’re not going to one already, I highly recommend a pain clinic.

    • Saru

      My rheumatologist did recommend one to me initially, it just happened to have the bad timing of being on a week day and in a different city, and it’s hard for me to get week days off from work. :/
      I should look into a different one, see if there’s one closer to home that’s not on Fridays.

    • Carrie-Nell

      hello, I suffer. from chronic pain due to degenerative disc disease, arthritis, etc ive had 2 surgeries. I was taking vicodin and oxys more and more due to tolerance. and frankly I enjoyed the buzz. I was recommended to a pain clinic about 5 years ago and I was put on methadone. for the most part it has been a godsend. you don’t develop the tolerance that you do with other opiates. it doesn’t get you “high” and the pain control/half life is much much longer. the only issue us if you decide to get off of it the titration period is lengthy in order to avoided the horrible withdrawal symptoms. I strongly suggest go to the pain clinic. chronic pain sucks and I don’t think people who don’t suffer from it truly understand how debilitating it is and how it affects every aspect of life. Even the “wait till you have kids”parents :) I have 2 kids, 5 cats, 2 dogs and I am a single parent and nothing has been as hard as living with chronic pain. instead of being like the “wait till you have kids” people I can be the “wait till you have chronic pain” person.

    • AugustW

      Luckily it was brief and I’m in remission now, but I went through about three months with trigeminal neuralgia, and I was pretty sure I was going to die from a lack of sleep. Every night when I went to lay down, BAM, instant pain. I eventually dragged my lazy-boy into the bedroom because I couldn’t convince the kid to sleep in the living room.

      Those three months were ten times worse than having a newborn, sleep wise. At least newborns are occasionally fun. All I had was an entire day of knowing no sleep would come for the following night. Over and over and over again. (They call it The Suicide Disease for a good reason)

      Fuck that.

    • KaeTay

      That’s how I also feel about this comment I heard a lot:

      You won’t know real worrying until you have kids

      I’m always like really?! My husband is deployed. I don’t know where he is but I do know if he falls off that carrier from a plane/jet/hellicopter that the impact with the water can kill him instantly not to mention other things. Go 7 months with only 20 minute talks here and there and tell me how NOT worried you are.

      As a mom my worrying is the same.. actually i guess you could say it’s less because I’m not getting ulcers. I worry most about my daughter at night; fearing that she’s too cold.

    • thispersontho

      What is this, the “whose more tired and stressed” competition? Yeah you got worries etc but so does everyone else, and yours is not made mores by having kids.

    • GPMeg

      “If you have a headache and someone says “wait until you break your leg!” your head doesn’t feel any better.”

      This may be the best analogy ever!

  • Pablito

    ‘Back-peddle?’ Uh, B?

    • meteor_echo

      They’re all too snotty to quickly backpedal, so they probably do back-peddle. Slooowly. Like sloths.

    • EcnoTheNeato

      She means they try to get the wares they had previous peddled to strangers…?

    • meteor_echo

      I wish they tried to peddle their sanctimony back. But they never do :(

  • Horrid Baby Names

    Sounds like they need to validate their lives by making everyone around them feel sorry for them. Wah, wah, wah.

  • Steampunkgoddess

    The “you don’t know tired” really pisses me off. I have had no more than four hours of sleep at a stretch in over seven years due to a medical problem. And yes I still work full time in a 40 hour a week job and am constantly getting kudos for being a top performer and just got a promotion, so it is not like I stay home all day and lament my fate. So yes, I DO know tired, more so than you do person with a 3 month old. I had a lovely argument with a so-called friend who swore that in one month she was more tired than I could be after (at the time) five years.

    • kittyfoofoo

      In fact, there’s a whole sub-group of “you don’t know ____” mommyjackers out there. “You think it was hard wrangling that awkward thing through a doorway? Try doing it with kids!” “You think it was difficult doing that 5-point triple axle and winning the gold? Try doing it with kids!” “You think it was hard finding out you’re infertile right after your husband left you? Try doing that with kids in tow, BIATCH!”

      Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh.

    • crazygemini12

      I have a friend that’s a doctor and she has 2 girls under the age of 5. She STILL maintains medical school-and having to be on call for excruciatingly long shifts-made her more exhausted than motherhood ever has. She’s always angry when people say “you don’t know tired until you have kids!” because it negates how hard med school was.

  • kittyfoofoo

    …Charity…
    *snort*

  • luckygirl

    These retorts make me sad. The competition/pitting against of all these subgroups of people is the worst. Do these hijackers know they are being the actual worst and don’t care? Or do they think they are doing their friends a service? I don’t know what is worse!

  • laurenlinn

    This doesn’t just happen on FB, unfortunately. I was at a wedding once with my ex-husband and sitting at a table with my then mother in law, when some woman (who I had never met before!) asked me when I was going to make my mother in law a grandma. To my mother in law’s credit, she knew that we couldn’t (read: COULD NOT) have children, so she tried to quiet the woman. But no, the woman ranted and raved about how “selfish” we must be to not give this woman a grandchild! I literally got up and walked out (and my husband went with me!). People are rude and don’t care about your feelings.

    • goofyjj

      I’m sorry that happened to you. People can be so insensitive

    • LadyClodia

      We had new neighbors move in and we didn’t even know their names yet but we were saying hi, and the guy’s parents, who were helping them move, asked us when we were going to have kids. I think I said something like “we’re planning on it,” but I had just suffered a miscarriage and was definitely not in the mood to go into it. I can’t understand why people think that’s an OK thing to ask someone they don’t know.

    • hollylou

      I’m sorry to hear about your miscarriage! I struggled with infertility and had a miscarriage my first pregnancy. I was at a baby shower for a coworker when all the “hens” started pestering me about having a baby. I muscled up the courage to calmly let them know that I had been trying for several years and unfortunately just miscarried. I’ve never seen a conversation change so quickly!

    • JessBP

      Good. I’m sorry, but we should shame those people. They should be made to feel bad as punishment for being insensitive jerks. Not every child-free couple chose to be that way! I’m so sorry for your loss and having to put up with that nonsense. It just makes me so mad.

    • LadyClodia

      I’m sorry to hear about your miscarriage too. You were really brave to say something to them!

    • Paul White

      “Well, tell that to the cancer that took my uterus.”

      I believe in making people behaving badly as embarrassed as possible. It’s usually pretty fun.

    • laurenlinn

      I think I love you, Paul White! lol – I wish I had come up with something snappy at the time, but I was so shamed I just had to get the hell outta there.

    • disqus_RcnfTzAghr

      I’ve also had a stranger comment.
      I was on my way home from work on the train, playing my DS (because I am a big kid at heart) and the lady across from me smiled and said “You need to have kids and give them that toy of yours, it’s the best thing being a mother but you won’t have time for games”
      1. We were undergoing IVF at the time, following two ectopic pregnancies
      2. I actually have a stepdaughter who lives with us full time. Still have to commute 45mins each way on the train, therefore, still have time to play my DS, thanks.

      Wish I mentioned the ectopic pregnancies to her though.

    • meteor_echo

      DAFUQ. If someone told me to give up my PSP, I dunno, I’d probably say something like “I’m my own damn favorite child and it will stay that way till the day I die”. Nobody will pry a portable console out of my hands while I’m still alive.
      And I hope your story ended happily or will end happily :)

    • EmmaFromÉire

      Haha i’ll be stockpiling the phrase ”i’m my own damn child thank you” for future use!!

    • Kathryn Mackenzie

      Even if you have kids you don’t have to give up your toys. When I was a
      kid I never understood my mother not playing video games with me because
      ‘she was too old for that’ (her excuse, when she was just in her 30s.)
      Now I’m in my 30s and I play video games if I want to because they never
      stopped being fun, just because my responsibilities changed.

    • meteor_echo

      You’re a cool parent :) My father played video games with me when I was a kid – still plays them in his 50s.
      As for me, I’m just not planning on having kids, so, if anyone decides to tell me I should give up my playstuff in the name of the next generation, I’d rather shock them by being a selfish heathen :P

    • JLH1986

      my best memories of my dad playing Mario with me! Showing me how to save the Princess. My mom sucked but she always tried to play games with us. Video games (used appropriately) are a total bonding tool. I’m 30 now and totally plan on playing if we ever have kiddos!

    • Faye

      How terrible. I applaud you for just leaving and not telling her to shut her stupid mouth. I think I would have lost it. I hate how people seem to think that other people’s reproduction is their business.

  • Teal

    Erin in #4 is probably one of those moms that thinks having any “me” time w/o the kids is selfish and pointless.

    We all know that as soon as anyone gets married (especially women) any career or life achievement is worthless compared to being a parent. *eye roll*

    • Allyson_et_al

      Agreed. The same sort of mom who shames other moms for daring to go see a movie before the kid is in high school. I adore my kids, but I wouldn’t be doing me or them any favors by never having a moment without them. I would be insane and they would be miserable. They way she worded it was so bitchy, too. “That’s great that you worked out; I stayed home because I *love* my kids, but whatever!”

    • LawGeekNYC

      Moms are role models, too. What kind of example are you setting for your kids by not having a personhood?

    • Ema

      That would be my (twice divorced) sister in law. Her daughter is her liiiiiiiife, and she just can’t bear to be away from her (read in a whiny, martyred voice). When I mention my parents taking my three kids for a week and how I can’t wait, it’s like I’ve just slaughtered a store full of puppies and bathed in their blood. Then, when I had the audacity to get a job, she had to get little digs in about how she was *soooo* happy she was able to stay home with her daughter, isn’t it just so sad I couldn’t? Yeah, it’s good she lives over an hour away; I almost punched her in the face for that one.

    • Simone

      In Australia, the discourse is kinda thus: only poor women who can’t afford to stay home put kids in childcare, unless they’re selfish wealthy women who just want to selfishly pursue a career at the expense of their poor chilluns who be cryin’ at the nasty day care centre. So either way, women are a bit screwed.

    • whiteroses

      It’s pretty much the same in the States, in my experience.

  • uaskigyrl

    My “favorite” is when friends/family ask when I’m going to have kids. I’m single and have been single for over a year. They always complain about how having kids is so expensive for their dual incomes but then want me to be a single mom because I “just can’t wait too long” and how I’ll “find a way to make it work out”, but then will turn around and bash single moms “abusing the system”. Um, hypocritical much? After necessary bills (housing, utilities, insurance, groceries) and putting money away for savings/retirement I barely have enough left over to enjoy a dinner out every once in awhile, how am I going to pay for child care of an infant? Or diapers? Or, heck, the actual birth of the ragamuffin?

    • Lilly

      My husband’s family tends to think it’s better for a woman to have a baby, out of wedlock, very young, and collect money from the county to support that baby, yet they think that a woman without kids is “selfish”? WTF?

  • BigBlue

    I really wish Mommyish would post all the examples on one page. I know this format gets more clicks for advertisers, but UGH my work internet is SO SLOW and it takes forever to read all of them.

    • cris725

      really? REALLY?

    • meteor_echo

      R E A L L Y.

  • Annie

    I’ve had sick pets and a sick child, I prefer the sick child since they can tell me in words what is wrong. My sick cat could just look at me pitifully and mew.

  • Shelly Lloyd

    Now that my children are older and can talk I find it a bit more stressful when the kitties are sick. My kids can talk and tell me where it hurts and how bad it is. And their medical care is mostly covered by insurance. When one of the kitties get sick it feels like a guessing game on how sick they are, what is wrong with them, etc…and my hubby’s job wont let us claim them on our insurance, LOL. So it will be an expensive trip to the vet.

  • PinkyTuscadero

    The second one is gross and deserves to be mocked. Pretty much the reason people leave FB. Don’t be surprised there’s a schadenfreudian response if you write updates like that.

    • Paul White

      How dare people write happy updates about how they like their partner and where they’re at in life?

    • Gangle

      Bitter much?

    • meteor_echo

      People who post the photos of their kids’ shit are gross, as well as the one who post home birth videos and placenta art. Also, you are sort of gross for being a sanctimommy enabler. STFU, PinkyTuscadero.

    • Lisa

      You do realize that schadenfreude is taking pleasure in someone else’s pain right? Like laughing when a waitress drops a tray of glasses. It’s not schadenfreude when you mock someone after they post a happy status update. It’s just being a douche.

    • DMH

      AVENUE Q!!!1! I need to listen to that song now… I completely forgot about it!

    • BoopBoopBoop

      Um I think it was a joke. “I’m too busy being a mom to understand satire”

  • goofyjj

    every time I see one of these mommyjackers I feel they are trying to justify their choice

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y69OY3VIXiw

    Like at 2:14. “god you must feel really tied down!!!”

    • crazygemini12

      That’s one of my favorite scenes in the movie!

    • goofyjj

      no. i’m very fulfilled!

  • John

    That article who criticized Times’ article was hilarious. Your child will contribute $4-$8 to the GDP or some BS like that. OMG, that is the best argument pro-children I have ever heard. I’m going to get to work right now. Let’s have a baby hun!! We must help ther american economy!

    • Kathleen O’Malley

      That article really enraged a lot of people! Not long after that issue came out, pro-life website Life Site News posted an article on Facebook that bashed TIME’s child-free life article and the people mentioned within. The commenters were worse–whining that childless people are selfish/don’t know what they’re missing/are leading the US into underpopulation (!!!). Was very disappointed as LSN is usually not so extremist

  • kmeghan

    I kind of hate all these jackers. Just because you have a child, it doesn’t mean that you’re no longer a person.

  • Ahwellthisisagoodname

    I’ve been used to the “wait til you have kids” shit for years now. What is currently annoying me is my first time pregnant sister. I have had a snowballing effect from Crohn’s for about a year now, which I won’t go into detail about. But it’s legit, and surgery has been involved. Ever since she got pregnant 8 months ago, she won’t -or anymore else actually- let me talk about my issues (and I only do so when asked) without at some point “try being pregnant” with examples of her 2 months of throwing up, mild swelling, and weight gain, back pain and sore tits. Last time I checked, pregnancy isn’t an illness and it’s optional. It’s not like anyone decides Crohn’s is something they want to do >.<

    • Ashley G.

      I have Crohns and I completely get what you’re saying. Sorry to hear about the surgery – that’s rough :( My family asks about Crohns sometimes but my big thing is that several members of my family have asked if I think I’ll have trouble getting pregnant because of it, or because of my meds, because I totally need to worry about that, too!

  • Tanya

    I love how if I post “So tired. Did X, Y and Z, today, dealt with a sick dog all night, running on 3 hours of sleep” it’s okay for a mom to pose “Oh yeah? Wait until you have kids! I did X, Y and Z and got 3 hours of sleep and dealt with a sick kid!” But if a mom were to post “OMG, did X,Y and Z and only got 3 hours of sleep” and had the nerve to be all “Yeah I did X, Y and Z as well and only got 3 hours of sleep AND I have a sick dog at home” I’m all of a sudden some evil person who has no idea what being tired actually is….

  • Lilly

    I think the thing that gets me about each one of these comments is that it makes the parent commenting seem like a total loser – it’s like, I have no life outside of being a parent so I have to make every conversation about that. It’s pretty pathetic. I am finally pregnant after years of being childfree, and I am having a hard time dealing with those who finally consider me a human being, just because I’m carrying one. So my human kindness wasn’t good enough before?

    • helbryce

      Hear you! After years of being ‘childless by circumstance’ (infertile ex-husband, then single, then finding someone but being goddamm poor!!) I was finally with child! Suddenly I was interesting and worthwhile talking to! Colleagues who barely tolerated me were now hugely interested in my welfare! I wasn’t shot down from conversations with ‘well when you’re a mother….’. Sadly I miscarried. I’m yet to return to work, but I’m guessing that my opinions will have become worthless (in some people’s eyes) again.

    • meteor_echo

      *through-the-internet hugs*

    • helbryce

      Hugs most welcome:) thank you:) I came off Facebook in part because of the amount of stfu parent worthy behaviour! Sadly it’s not so easy to avoid in real life! Part of me was worried though that maybe they were right- I’d have a kid and I’d finally ‘understand’ well I’ve yet to manage to have a kid but I was relieved to discover that pregnant me was still me- endless conversations about sore breasts with people who had previously only said 2 words to me become tiresome after a while! I hope that if I ever do manage to have a child I can still converse on various topics. I am longing for a child, but I don’t want to lose myself! Reading comments on threads like this give me hope that it is possible:)

    • meteor_echo

      You know, I actually sort of came up with a theory – the people who only find you interesting when you have a kid/are pregnant are actually afraid of non-pregnant women (or parents who still have lives beyond their kids) in a way. Why? Because they lose the rest of their identities after they procreate, and they are scared and annoyed by those who manage to actually have their own interests, be they parents or not. So really, they’re not worth even thinking about for too long – let them be mindless drones while you hopefully will get to be an awesome parent (varied hobbies and interests included)!

    • helbryce

      Thanks:) I’ve come to the conclusion that I am me, part of being me is that I want to be a Mum, and hopefully someday part of being me is that I will be a Mum, but it is not all of me by a long shot! Cheers for clarifying that for me!!! Made me smile today, and that’s a hard task!

    • meteor_echo

      Rock on with your awesome self and have a wonderful day :)

    • JLH1986

      So sorry. Sending good healing vibes your way.

    • helbryce

      Vibes received with thanks:)

    • DanielCraigForevah

      So sorry to hear that. Take care of yourself and try to ignore the insensitive assholes.

  • Raquel

    I have dealt with both a sick child and sick cats/kittens. The cats/kittens are far more stressful, because it is challenging to diagnose what is causing their illness. As well, the vet expenses were astronomical. As a Canadian, healthcare is covered, so the financial aspect wasn’t a concern.

  • KaeTay

    to #4 .. I have been walking to get exercise since my daughter was born. Now my husband and I walk 3-5 miles per day (walking burns more calories than running.) there is no excuse to not exercising when you have kids. They need to be outdoors, you can go on walks or also do what we did.. buy a bike trailer and go for bike rides. I pack up some snacks and some juice; my daughter who is now 10 months old LOVES it! Also if you do start walking.. wear proper shoes walking with flipflops wears me out from the lack of support. I have to wear my running shoes or I’m barely able to make it a mile.

    • R Zhao

      Hold the phone. Walking burns more calories than running? Where did you get this info from?

    • Amber

      From her ass. It’s false.

    • DMH

      Walking burns more calories? Technically, no. So does running burn more calories than walking? Well, yes and no. High intensity = calorie burn
      If you run for 20 minutes or walk for 50 minutes, you end up burning about the same amount of calories. But if you walk for 20 minutes or run for 20 minutes, running will create the biggest calorie deficit.

    • BarlowGirl

      *sigh* That’d be nice to do except winter is -30*C or lower. Outdoors isn’t really a thing.

    • Carrie-Nell

      I’m confused… in another comment you said your husband was deployed and you weren’t even allowed to know where he was deployed to.

    • Persistent Cat

      OMG, go on!!!! It’s fascinating how you’re such a good parent.

  • BeckyBoo

    #2 made me stabby. I’m coming up on my first year of marriage and I just started school. Both exciting milestone, except my annoying mommy friends think talking about my reproductive system is a bigger deal! Even though my husband and I have made it perfectly clear that we don’t want them. Telling them to kindly fuck off is the only thing that shuts them up.

  • Guest

    Hello world

    • Guest

      re

  • NotCinderell

    So, wait…she got married, traveled, did a master’s degree, and she considers the fact that she still fits in her wedding dress after 4 years to be the most important thing? There’s a whole Women’s Studies dissertation in that comment.

    • BarlowGirl

      I get that it was probably a “joke”… but wow, nice fatphobia there.

    • Mya

      Someone could do a dissertation on how you and BarlowGirl can’t seem to take a joke. And so what if she if happy that she can still fit it. Good for her. Did you ever stop to think that MAYBE she had a goal to lose some weight before her wedding, and four years later she still meets that goal? Is it wrong to be body-conscious? Well, maybe I shouldn’t ask you two.

      Some people just have to piss in someone else’s Cheerios.

  • peter

    So basically mommyjacking is normal Facebook behavior, where the commenter posts about or compares their own life as a comparison or contrast to the original posters, but referencing children in the jack?

    Is the premise that somehow you’re more of an ass on facebook when you threadjack by including the word kids or child? What makes this more offensive than petjacking, dietjacking, drunkjacking, sexjacking, or workoutjacking?
    I mean the assholeish behavior is commenting on facebook in a way that attempts to diminish the OP’s complaint or accomplishment in comparison to your own life. What about using “kid” amplifies that?

    • Keljopy

      Well, when it includes “when/until you have children” it’s pretty presumptuous and can be extremely insensitive if that person maybe wants children but is having fertility issues of some sort or maybe they were recently pregnant and miscarried before announcing it or whatever. So yes threadjacking is pretty annoying in any situation (I don’t think the author anywhere says it isn’t), but mommyjacking can be even worse in certain situations.

    • Sonrisas

      Erm, it’s STFU, Parents. Not STFU, Gym rats, or STFU, Pet Owners…

    • EcnoTheNeato

      Or STFU Couples. Which exists, I think…

  • Kiwigirl0

    Aww Erin – did coming up with the excuse make you feel better about not exercising?

  • EcnoTheNeato

    I read #4 as more smug. It’s as if to say “Psh, even IF I had the extra energy to go to the gym, I’d just spend it on my kids. Because I’m not selfish. They deserve EVERYTHING I can give them!”

    Blech!

  • desertgirl

    I find questions regarding “when” I’m having children extremely hurtful ever since I’ve had two miscarriages. It is absolutely no one’s business and they most often have no idea what you are going through. All of the above facebook comments are very thoughtless and rude, especially considering the fact that some of these people may be trying, and failing, to have children.

  • http://vulvs.tumblr.com/ oofstar

    that article from yahoo, where they say having a “later life change of heart” is “traumatic”? huh? regretting not having kids probably sucks, but regretting -having- kids has to suck more. and traumatise more people then just the person with regret.

    we pretend like this doesn’t happen, having babies is never a mistake. but peopel step out on their families all the time, or worse. there are no options for these folks, their regret is completely verboten. maybe it makes sense to stop caring if people don’t have kids and start worrying about people who do?

  • dawnsname

    I am the mother of 3, with 20 years between my eldest and youngest and I have to tell you I am sick to DEATH of this new generation of mommies. We weren’t perfect 24 years ago, but lord knows we didn’t think the world revolved around our mom-hood and our precious little snowflakes. Believe it or not, being a parent is only one small part of me, and not even the most important thing I’ve ever done. If parenting is a war zone or stressful, that’s the parent’s fault, not the condition of parenthood. It ain’t all been roses, but there are 50 things I could name right now more stressful than being a mom.

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  • Amber Starr

    I’m 32 and currently pregnant with my first baby. I keep getting the ‘Oh you think you’re ______ NOW? Just wait until the baby gets here. You’ll be tired and cranky and miserable and won’t have sex and blah blah blah.’.

    Thanks for the encouragement, folks. Back when I was struggling with infertility, everyone was gushing about how AAAAAAH-MAY-ZING being a mommy is, but now I’m apparently going to explode into a miserable mess.

    If I ever find myself saying these things to my child-free friends, I’ll punch MYSELF in the mouth.

  • Sparklepony

    That’s sad about the kittens. I hope they’re better now. Animals can’t tell you if they’re sick and unlike children, they usually hide their pain. Until it gets worse. Mommyjacker needs to STFU.

  • GPMeg

    I worked 60 hours a week from March to August planning and running a summer camp for 80 children per week and roughly 200 families overall. But, of course, I couldn’t possibly know tired like a mom does! I don’t compare my 60 hours to my friends who work in the ER, since when is tired a competition?!

  • thispersonhere

    I am convinced that they mommyjack because they got a kid and no life outside of that and they get jealous of those who still have goals to reach before popping one out so they try and get them to have one so they don’t keep talking about all the things they are doing that these parents wished they were doing. I got friends like that and when they mommyjack me, I tell them “Nah, I am going to actually have a life first, thanks!”

  • Portland Mama

    “I’m so bored by lists that compare raising a toddler to being in combat, or things you should never say to your friend who has one kid, or twins, or no kids, or whaaaatever.” That’s pretty much how I feel about this article. Complaining about people who complain…what is the purpose of this article? Yawn.

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