10 Things Totally Wrong With Your Post-Baby Body And How You Can Fix Them

postbabybodyDid you recently just give birth or have a baby within the last 10 or 20 years? If so, this article is for you! Because I am here to teach you all about everything that is wrong with your POST-BABY BODY and teach you post baby body tips on how you can remedy these things in order to feel good about yourself again. Here are 10 of the most offensive things I find about women’s post baby bodies and how you can fix them.

Your Eyes Need Work 


(Image: OK magazine)

Are your eyes seeing a lot of headlines like this? The POST-BABY BODY headline is amazingly popular. In both print and online. I suggest you avoid reading these things, because it isn’t good for your eyes, your brain, your heart, your soul or your post baby body. Who cares how long it took a celebrity with a trainer and a chef and possibly access to prescription drugs and nannies to lose the weight? Is Tracy Anderson washing dishes in your kitchen right now? Did Kim Kardashian come on over after you gave birth to bring you flowers and Chinese food? Are you BFF with Heidi Klum and is she babysitting your kids so you can go to yoga? Then none of these people matter. Your post-baby body is the body you are looking down at right now. Looking at stories like the one above isn’t doing you any favors. Reading these things will not magically give you a celebrity trainer, a vat of kale smoothies, a 10,000 dollar work out wardrobe and your own home Pilates gym. One of the best post-baby body tips I have discovered is taking a black sharpie and drawing cocks all over these post-baby body images to make yourself feel better.

 Your Stretch Marks Need Work 

post baby body tips

(Image: Tumblr)

Do you know what works amazing on stretch marks? Having a warm bath.With a lovely beverage, whether that be a glass of wine, a soda with ice and a straw or a 40oz of Schlitz.   Putting lotion on your stretch marks after your bath works wonders too. It won’t fade them a damn bit, but it feels good, so do it.

 Your Breasts Need Work 

After you have a baby your breasts may change size or they may be saggier or looser or whatever, but you know what works amazing for this? Getting some damn bras that fit. I currently own at least nine death bras with horrific underwire that pokes me under my arms because it doesn’t fit properly and you may have the same thing. Go find the oldest saleslady you can working in the lingerie department of any store that sells bras and get a fitting. You are far too gorgeous to wear a sucky ugly bra that causes you pain.

Your Butt Needs Work 

Because you may have gained weight during pregnancy, chances are your booty may be a different size. I have found the best way of dealing with this is slapping it constantly and saying stuff to the people in your house like I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly. 

 Your Lady Garden Needs Work

vagina blogspot(Image: Blogspot)

When you are all healed and ready to resume sexual relations again your post-baby body vagina may feel different and it may become more difficult for you to become aroused during sex. The best remedy for this is hotel rooms. And babysitters. And a semi-expensive bottle of wine and backrubs beforehand. If these things are not an option another thing that works wonders for your vagina is seeing your partner vacuum the floors and clean out the skanky produce bin in your refrigerator without being asked. Not talking while Breaking Bad is on and bringing you a cold beverage also does wonders for your vagina.

Your Feet Need Work 

Your feet may grow a size after having a baby. One of the best post baby body tips is to get off your feet more. Buy some amazing shoes in a larger size and mayhaps an ottoman.

Your Hair Needs Work

dryers tumblr

(Image: tumblr)

After you have a baby you may notice your hair may fall out a bit due to hormonal changes or that it may feel more dry. The best remedy for this is to go get your hair done. Get a babysitter and go to a salon you love and let them give you a trim and deep condition you and offer you a nice beverage. My salon serves mimosas, which may be the main reason I go there. No matter what you do with your hair, one of the best post-baby body haircare tips I have is to remove the bread bag twisty-tie you are currently using to put it in a pony tail.

Your Wardrobe Needs Work 

After having a baby your post-baby body may not be the same size it was before having a baby. You may find that some of your clothes no longer fit. The best solution for this is to buy new clothing that does fit. Donate what no longer fits you. If you never fit into the same size you were before you had a baby that is totally fine. You can lose weight or not lose weight or gain weight or stay the same size. If you feel physically healthy and whatever weight you are isn’t causing you physical problems you are probably fine. The best way of dealing with your new post-baby body is to buy it some really yummy winter sweaters that are cozy and feel great when you put them on and possibly a new pair of very pretty earrings.

Your Brain Needs Work 

Do you sometimes feel like you are in a fog or that you are more scatterbrained after having a baby, even if your babies are now teenagers? This is totally normal because moms think about so many things all the time and think about so many other people besides themselves! The best remedy for this is taking time out for you where you just relax and watch what you like on TV or read a good book or play Plants Versus Zombies Two.

Your Stomach Needs Work

I’m going to assume that you are doing something utterly stupid to your post-baby body like going on a diet. Stop it. Right now. If you want to reduce your calories a bit it is fine, but please don’t do any of that starvation or only consuming lemon juice and cayenne pepper concoctions nonsense or refusing to eat certain foods because you think they will magically turn you into a supermodel, unless your doctor says to. Eat what you love. Eat the junk you really really love that is not so healthy like red velvet cupcakes slathered in cream cheese frosting on occasion. Eat vegetables and drink water and go out for really, really good pizza on occasion instead of ordering it because most delivery pizza from national chains is overall pretty barfy.

(Image:  Maksim Shmeljov/shutterstock)

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  • Alex Lee

    Breast slapping therapy: io9.com/5841515/the-clandestine-art-of-thai-breast+slapping

    Also, e-commerce tapeworms: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/08/19/woman-swallows-tapeworm-iowa_n_3780313.html

    ..I’ll show myself out.

  • Tea

    I can help all of you with your post baby bodies, lose ten pounds instantly, be tanner, bigger bust! Better hair, better wardrobe, brighter eyes, I can do it all in under a week, you’ll look amazing.

    Just email me photo and I will attack it with my totallylegit Russian photoshop copy, or for you hipsters, I have an airbrush setup in the basement.

    What? It’s what the stars use!

  • Tinyfaeri

    Amen on the bras. I may need to make a pilgrimage to LiviRae Lingerie in GA when I finally stop nursing.

    • Laurengoesto11

      Do it! You deserve it. I’m a bra fitter at a semi-fancy woman’s store and I cannot tell you how happy and confident my clients are after they find the right bra. Everything fits better and more comfortably.

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      What are the most common mistakes you see women make when buying bras? #BRAQUESTIONS

    • Laurengoesto11

      Most (and I mean like 90%) of ladies wear bras that are too big in the band and too small in the cup. The majority of work done by the bra is because of the band, not the straps. Your bust should not fall by much if you slip your straps over your shoulder. If they do, it’s new bra time.

      Along these same lines, people buy bras that are comfortable right out of the store. While I don’t want to torture you, that bra is going to stretch (and as I work in a woman’s store, they stretch more quickly) and it will be too big in a matter of weeks. The right bra feels snug (not tight!) on the loosest band setting the day you buy it.

      Another mistake I see is people think bras last forever. Even my favorite $65 Wachol only gets me a year, tops. Id rather see ladies buy one or two good bras a year than 5-8 cheapie ones during that same span, though. You get what you pay for.

    • Laurengoesto11

      And please, DON’T PUT YOUR BRAS IN THE DRYER! That is the kiss of death.

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      This is the best advice ever!!!! Is Wacoal your fave brand for everyday bras?

    • Laurengoesto11

      Yes, for ladies like myself who are small in the ribs and cartoonish in the bust (34H). My favorite for over 44 inch band and underwire is Cacique, non-underwire is (I swear) Playtex 18 hour boxed bras. I know they have an “old lady” look, but they now have more contemporary styles that I enjoy and that don’t look like cones under a sweater.

    • Katherine Handcock

      Totally worth it! There’s a specialty bra shop in my area that I finally got to visit after years (yes, years, of wearing not-really-fitting nursing bras.) Finding out my real size was a shock; discovering how good a really perfectly fitted bra feels was also a shock! It even got rid of back pain I was having in the morning, which I always figured was because of an older mattress — but nope, wearing a good bra all day means I don’t wake up stiff and sore.

      Oh, and don’t be surprised if the shop you go to suggest you try on a mastectomy bra. The first thing the fitter said to me when I went in was, “I know this may sound strange, but the majority of our customers actually buy these; they fit really well, they’re very supportive, and they’re really cute.” And they do, and they are!

      Just be prepared for the hit to your pocketbook if you’re not a standard size. Nevertheless, I don’t regret a penny of the cost.

  • TwentiSomething Mom

    And on top of the celebrity trainers, chefs and nannies, these women sometimes have plastic surgery (Kendra’s boobs) so of course her boobs will look different than mine plus the photos are photo shopped/airbrushed or whatever.

  • Michelle

    Being 13 weeks PP I know that I look great all things considered but it’s still hard to feel that way. I am at a lower weight than I was at my first appointment but I still don’t fit in my pre-baby clothes. Thanks for making me giggle about the ridiculousness of all the post baby body obsessions.

    • rccola

      I can totally relate. I’m the same weight I was before I got pregnant….but a whole size bigger (everywhere – including my feet!).

  • EmmaFromÉire

    I love that Tina Fey gif. I love Tina Fey. Can I just marry her and be the world’s happiest wife?

  • Elisa Probert

    I have a pre-baby post-baby body. LOL So there. I know it gets better if I just get less lazy and start exercising, but alas, there are so many other things I want to do!

    Once I do get pregnant and have a baby, at least I’ll have an excuse besides, “Eh, I’m a bum.”

  • Coby

    Not that long ago, Shape magazine ran an interview with Beyonce, touting how she got her powerful post-baby body: http://www.shape.com/blogs/fit-famous/beyonc%C3%A9-shows-her-fit-fabulous-body-april-issue-shape

    Never mind that it’s freakin’ Bey and she’s a force of nature.


    I read with great interest and came to find out this is how she did it: (1) She stopped breastfeeding after 3 months. (2) She started rehearsals for her tour around the same time. Well, hell, I would look like Beyonce too if I had 6-8 hours of dance rehearsal A DAY. Instead, I rock a desk job for 10 hours day so my extra jelly provides some cushion for my butt which expanded thanks to pregnancy/labor. And it’s kinda fun to giggle like the Pillsbury Doughboy when my daughter pokes my “soft tummy.”

  • chickadee

    But please don’t call your stretch marks ‘tiger stripes.’ They don’t actually symbolize woman power or anything; they mean your skin got pulled because a body part grew faster than is usual and is a skin type that is particularly susceptible to showing damage. My father had more stretch marks than my mother because he had a massive growth spurt in his teens. My mother had zero stretch marks from anything. My 16-year-old daughter has stretch marks like Granpa!….awwwwww.

    • I agree! A mother with stretch marks didn’t do anything to “earn” them that a mother without stretch marks didn’t also do. Most of it just luck of the genetic lottery.

    • Tinyfaeri

      Meh. I think the tiger stripes thing is a little silly, but if it makes a woman feel better about her body to call them that, I say she should rock on with her bad, stripey self. No one’s saying your father or anyone else has to do the same. :) Or suggesting that he needs to be able to fit back into his bikini from high school for that matter. Not saying your father ever wore a bikini (though it’d be totally cool if he did)…just that with all the focus on trying to look like we did when we were 18 when we’re in our 30′s and after having a kid or two or more, that if it makes a woman dislike her appearance less to call her stretch marks tiger stripes or remind herself that she “earned” them through bearing a child, what’s the harm?

    • chickadee

      I just never thought they needed to have an empowering nickname to be able to accept them, and I have lots. And I figure that if my stretch marks bother anyone, then they are welcome to bite my backside.

      Also, and this may just be me, but it reminds me of calling a vagina a vajayjay.

    • Tinyfaeri

      Some people need a boost now and again, some are more secure in themselves. Good for you for being one of the secure ones :) Me, I’m just happy mine don’t itch anymore (I had PUPPS when I was pregnant…still bitter… ;-) ).
      But, yeah, ick about vajayjay. And preggers.

    • notorious

      Yes. That drive me up the wall. Also, don’t shame those of us who do not accept our stretch marks or find them a symbol of anything other than the ruination of our once nice stomach/thighs/breasts etc. You can like yours all you want, I don’t have to like mine or be happy about them.

    • chickadee

      Indeed! If I want to cover mine (and I do) I don’t want to be made to feel like it’s wrong to do so.

  • http://fibroidsinwomen.com/ Loraine

    I tried every thing from exercises to diet. My whole body is toned except my lower abdomen. The muscles look dead stripped with stretch marks. I tried everything but can’t make it tighter. The flab looks ugly. Thanks. I will give it a try.

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