Did you recently just give birth or have a baby within the last 10 or 20 years? If so, this article is for you! Because I am here to teach you all about everything that is wrong with your POST-BABY BODY and teach you post baby body tips on how you can remedy these things in order to feel good about yourself again. Here are 10 of the most offensive things I find about women’s post baby bodies and how you can fix them.
Your Eyes Need Work
(Image: OK magazine)
Are your eyes seeing a lot of headlines like this? The POST-BABY BODY headline is amazingly popular. In both print and online. I suggest you avoid reading these things, because it isn’t good for your eyes, your brain, your heart, your soul or your post baby body. Who cares how long it took a celebrity with a trainer and a chef and possibly access to prescription drugs and nannies to lose the weight? Is Tracy Anderson washing dishes in your kitchen right now? Did Kim Kardashian come on over after you gave birth to bring you flowers and Chinese food? Are you BFF with Heidi Klum and is she babysitting your kids so you can go to yoga? Then none of these people matter. Your post-baby body is the body you are looking down at right now. Looking at stories like the one above isn’t doing you any favors. Reading these things will not magically give you a celebrity trainer, a vat of kale smoothies, a 10,000 dollar work out wardrobe and your own home Pilates gym. One of the best post-baby body tips I have discovered is taking a black sharpie and drawing cocks all over these post-baby body images to make yourself feel better.
Your Stretch Marks Need Work
Do you know what works amazing on stretch marks? Having a warm bath.With a lovely beverage, whether that be a glass of wine, a soda with ice and a straw or a 40oz of Schlitz. Putting lotion on your stretch marks after your bath works wonders too. It won’t fade them a damn bit, but it feels good, so do it.
Your Breasts Need Work
After you have a baby your breasts may change size or they may be saggier or looser or whatever, but you know what works amazing for this? Getting some damn bras that fit. I currently own at least nine death bras with horrific underwire that pokes me under my arms because it doesn’t fit properly and you may have the same thing. Go find the oldest saleslady you can working in the lingerie department of any store that sells bras and get a fitting. You are far too gorgeous to wear a sucky ugly bra that causes you pain.
Your Butt Needs Work
Because you may have gained weight during pregnancy, chances are your booty may be a different size. I have found the best way of dealing with this is slapping it constantly and saying stuff to the people in your house like I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.
Your Lady Garden Needs Work
When you are all healed and ready to resume sexual relations again your post-baby body vagina may feel different and it may become more difficult for you to become aroused during sex. The best remedy for this is hotel rooms. And babysitters. And a semi-expensive bottle of wine and backrubs beforehand. If these things are not an option another thing that works wonders for your vagina is seeing your partner vacuum the floors and clean out the skanky produce bin in your refrigerator without being asked. Not talking while Breaking Bad is on and bringing you a cold beverage also does wonders for your vagina.
Your Feet Need Work
Your feet may grow a size after having a baby. One of the best post baby body tips is to get off your feet more. Buy some amazing shoes in a larger size and mayhaps an ottoman.
Your Hair Needs Work
After you have a baby you may notice your hair may fall out a bit due to hormonal changes or that it may feel more dry. The best remedy for this is to go get your hair done. Get a babysitter and go to a salon you love and let them give you a trim and deep condition you and offer you a nice beverage. My salon serves mimosas, which may be the main reason I go there. No matter what you do with your hair, one of the best post-baby body haircare tips I have is to remove the bread bag twisty-tie you are currently using to put it in a pony tail.
Your Wardrobe Needs Work
After having a baby your post-baby body may not be the same size it was before having a baby. You may find that some of your clothes no longer fit. The best solution for this is to buy new clothing that does fit. Donate what no longer fits you. If you never fit into the same size you were before you had a baby that is totally fine. You can lose weight or not lose weight or gain weight or stay the same size. If you feel physically healthy and whatever weight you are isn’t causing you physical problems you are probably fine. The best way of dealing with your new post-baby body is to buy it some really yummy winter sweaters that are cozy and feel great when you put them on and possibly a new pair of very pretty earrings.
Your Brain Needs Work
Do you sometimes feel like you are in a fog or that you are more scatterbrained after having a baby, even if your babies are now teenagers? This is totally normal because moms think about so many things all the time and think about so many other people besides themselves! The best remedy for this is taking time out for you where you just relax and watch what you like on TV or read a good book or play Plants Versus Zombies Two.
Your Stomach Needs Work
I’m going to assume that you are doing something utterly stupid to your post-baby body like going on a diet. Stop it. Right now. If you want to reduce your calories a bit it is fine, but please don’t do any of that starvation or only consuming lemon juice and cayenne pepper concoctions nonsense or refusing to eat certain foods because you think they will magically turn you into a supermodel, unless your doctor says to. Eat what you love. Eat the junk you really really love that is not so healthy like red velvet cupcakes slathered in cream cheese frosting on occasion. Eat vegetables and drink water and go out for really, really good pizza on occasion instead of ordering it because most delivery pizza from national chains is overall pretty barfy.