It’s that time again! Back to school, the time of the year that makes most parents jump for joy. Most parents, but not so much this parent. Oh, not because I’m not looking forward to more free time during the day (though I will still have a 3-year-old in tow). That part will be awesome. No, I dread back to school because it means dealing with new people, which is something I am terrible at.

I’ve mentioned before that I am somewhat of an introvert, and sometimes I can be socially awkward as hell. Which means back to school time brings a ton of new obstacles to get through before I can settle into mid-year social hibernation (until summer brings its own fresh hell of social interaction shenanigans). Of course, there are worse things in the world, but the following things still drive me nuts.

1. Meeting the new teacher

farts

For the most part, my oldest daughter’s teachers have been wonderful. My problem isn’t with the teachers whatsoever, it’s all me (I know, I know, “It’s not you, it’s me sounds so LAME, but it’s true). I’m terrible at face to face interaction and I know I come off like a total weirdo at first. E-mail was made for people like me.

(Photo: Memebase.com)

2. Getting up at the ass-crack of dawn

I hate mornings

When my oldest daughter was in kindergarten we lived in Ohio, where the schools have all come together in an unholy alliance bent on driving all nocturnal-type parents mad. We had to get up at  six a.m. SIX in the morning. Now that we’re back in NYC it’s slightly better at seven a.m, but I will still need to shower in coffee to even be halfway coherent.

(Photo:  piesoup)

3. No DAMN busing in my neighborhood

walking to school

I am LAZY. Not in the “refuses to get a job or clean my house” sort of way. No, I’m lazy in that I hate getting three kids up, dressed, fed, shoe-ed and out the door, only to have to walk 10 NYC blocks to drop them off. I legit live one block outside of the busing zone. So yeah, FML.

(Photo: ljworld.com)

4. Making lunches

gross school lunch

It’s not that I hate making the lunches, per se, it’s that my lunches always suck. I don’t have the time or ambition to make a work of art lunch. Nor do I have the distinction of being the “cool mom” who puts soda and candy bars in my kid’s lunch every day (because diabetes). So I send my kids off with their boring, healthy lunches and they will be less than enthused. No one is satisfied.The alternative would be school lunches, but they resemble jail food and smell like cat farts. So that’s out.

(Photo:  john.murden)

5. Shopping for crap

back to school shopping

I did NOT get the shopping gene, though thankfully my husband totally did, so we usually even out. But back to school time unfortunately coincides with the busiest time of the year for his business, which means I’m stuck with the bulk of the shopping.  And I hate it. I hate malls, department stores, Target, etc. I even hate online shopping. Something about being a spendthrift plus being raised in part by my Great Depression era grandparents makes me hate parting with money. Staples is the one and only exception, because ONE CENT CRAYONS. And they’re Crayola, not that “Fakeola” bullshit.

(Photo:  Bloomington Salvation Army)

6. Making my kids wear shoes

flip flip love

We live by the beach and pretty much wear flip flops from late March until Late November. Unfortunately that doesn’t fly in school, which means SHOES. Not to make our family sound like the Beverly Hillbillies, but my kids HATE shoes. Even cute sparkly light up shoes barely get a smile.

(Photo: chris runoff)

7. Homework

hates homework

I hated homework when I was in school and I hate it with the fury of 10,000 Nickelback songs sung by Nicholas Cage now. And with my middle child going into kindergarten this year, I will have twice the homework and twice the headaches. It’s not the work that’s the issue, but the whining that goes along with it.

(Photo: woodleywonderworks)

8. GERMS 

baby with snot bubble

Gird your loins (and immune systems). Within a week of school starting our home turns into a reenactment of plague-ridden Medieval Europe. Snot and boogers are everywhere, and everyone is hacking up pieces of lung. FUN! There isn’t enough Lysol and hand sanitizer in the world to combat the germ-factory that is elementary school.

(Photo: riasmithdesigns / MyFirstFail.com)