For many students, school is back in session (or starts very soon), but this year I’ve decided to change up my Back-To-School column and laugh with some parents rather than at some parents. There are always going to be parents who obsess over getting their kid the right locker decorations or complain about a teacher being a stupid asshole approximately 26 seconds after meeting him/her, but why focus on those jerks when we can read humorous updates from parents who are, you know, normal?
And if there’s one thing “normal” parents have in common at this time of year, it’s praising lunchbox manufacturers that school has once again returned. I can’t think of a single parent I know who isn’t straight-up elated that their kid is back to the ol’ seven-three grind, if only because those parents value their sanity. Having kids around in the summertime can be awesome, but it’s also headache-inducing, sticky, and involves a lot of carpooling. After several weeks of scorching-hot “bliss,” having the kids around 24/7 begins to feel more like torture than a pleasant trip to the ice cream shoppe. So in that spirit, I’ve compiled several submissions that illustrate how parents really feel about their kids returning to school (even if it’s just part-time pre-school!). The beginning of a new school year is a little bittersweet, but for parents who have dreamed of grocery shopping alone for the past few months, it’s mostly just sweet-as-in-awesome.
1. Seasonal Joy
I think what I find most endearing about Kelly’s status update is her reference to a holiday song (when family members are typically all together). Now I’m just picturing her twirling in her kitchen with a margarita at 8:30 in the morning without a care in the world, glancing at framed pictures of her children on the wall and laughing maniacally. The most wonderful time of the year, indeed. MWAHAHAHA
2. Mom Of The Year
This is my version of a good Story Hour update. The story has a clear arc, and the ending is essentially, “Whoops, I fucked that one up, but hey at least they’ve got a solid lunch to look forward to!” Nice one, Jamie. You done good.
3. Room Parent Retaliation
“Room parent” is one of the few downsides to school being back in session, with parents practically tripping over each other to get to the back of the line. Even the overachievers don’t relish the annoying responsibilities that come with the title of “room parent.” They should just change the moniker to “unlucky parent-in-charge who will pay off anyone who’s willing to take over PTA duties.”
4. Homework Amusement
Most of the time, parents don’t bother making fun of another kid’s artwork, because their own kid’s artwork is ridiculous enough. But I appreciate A. taking us through her journey of discovery and painting a mental picture that’s as vivid and entertaining as the real one hanging on her kid’s classroom wall. Plus, who didn’t confuse the words “racist” and “artist” as a tot? I know I did! (No, I didn’t.)
5. Back-To-School Supplies
Nothing is more depressing than reading grammar and spelling mistakes in school newsletters. If it were me, I’d probably post this picture on Facebook with the caption “Check out the colossal moron writing my kid’s school supply list,” but not this parent. Nope, she just laughed it off, knowing she can teach her kid the difference between “scissors” and “schissors” on the way to the “schtore.” Props to J. and J. for both making the same joke. Great minds think alike — especially educated ones.