From the moment in the delivery room when your medical team asks you if you want to “see your placenta” until your child is packing up their room to go to college, parenthood will be filled with moments that seems better suited for a horror movie. Yes, everything I describe is “all natural!” and “just part of life!” but it doesn’t make any of these moments any less horrifying. Unless you are one of those parents who think your kid’s diapers are a magical blessing then I’m pretty sure most of you can relate to at least a few of these things.
Your Baby Will Have Their First Meconium Diaper
One minute your are blissfully attempting to nurse your baby, marveling at their adorable little fingernails and tiny rosebud mouth, and the next you are changing a diaper which can only be described as “OK, I think the Creature From The Black Lagoon vomited into my baby’s diaper.” Meconium is composed of amniotic fluid, mucus, bile, and the genetic composition of the Alien creature in Ridley Scott‘s 1979 movie of the same name.The meconium diaper is nature’s little way of saying:
You think your newborn is all soft and perfect and amazingly beautiful but don’t get too comfy because this diaper is just the beginning of the vom-inducing moments of parenthood.
Your Baby Will Lose The Umbilical Stump
Your baby will lose their umbilical stump between seven and 21 days, and during this time frame your entire life will consist of wondering when it will happen. Like it’s some sort of super exciting holiday which will result in you waking up to discover some magical umbilical fairy has left you piles of presents like all the things new parents need, spa vacations and bottles of top shelf liquor. But no, that so does not happen, because the ONLY thing that happens when the umbilical stump falls off is that you won’t be able to find it. It will just be gone. A few hours later you will discover it under the changing table or else your cat will be batting it around the floor like it’s some special new brand of cat treat that only nature can provide. Unless you are one of those parents who wants to get all crafty and shit with it and have it made into a necklace.
Your Baby Will Vomit. In Your Mouth.
This has happened to me. I admit it. Nursed my daughter, burped her, a while later was holding her above my head and remarking on what an adorable little girl she is.
Who is a good girl! You are such a good girl! Mommy’s little baby is such a cute sweet adorable good little girl! You are such a sweetie and I love you so 27823ubdnshwuuw??@#RTT!!!!
and she puked. All over. My face.
In my mouth. IN MY MOUTH. THAT IS ON MY FACE. WHERE I HAVE A TONGUE AND TASTE BUDS AND IT WAS MY MOUTH. BETWEEN WHERE MY NOSE AND MY CHIN IS THAT PLACE CALLED MY MOUTH THAT WAS OPEN. IT WAS OPEN. MY MOUTH.
Your Kid Will Be Eating Something They Shouldn’t
I don’t care how well you childproof or how clean your floors are, but you know who cares even less than me? Mother nature. Your toddler discovers a dead fly on the ground or a forgotten grape that has magically turned into a raisin under the sofa, and into the mouth it goes.
Your Baby Will Confuse Diaper-Time And Bath-Time
Because there is nothing like carefully washing your infant’s hair, bathing them gently with no-tear hypoallergenic bathing gel, making sure no soap gets into their tiny little eyes, and then having them decide to defecate in the tub. Bonus points if you are in the bath with them.
You Will Never Solve The Case Of The Missing Something In the Car
Detective, the smell seems to be emanating from somewhere within the vehicle.
Have you called in the forensics division yet?
We are not sure if it is a small amount of milk leftover in a bottle or a baggie full of carefully cut up string cheese left to rot in the August sun, but either way, it is nowhere visible in the vehicle even after getting the car detailed twice.
Your child will lose something edible in your car. You won’t be able to find it, until you smell it. When you do find it, you will wish you had never been born.
You Will Experience That One Saturday You Sleep In
You finally get your baby to start sleeping in their crib and one day you wake up to no crying. It’s later than usual, and your house is quiet and peaceful. This is because your baby has happily removed their diaper and is currently using it to paint the walls surrounding their crib. The nursery will look like a undergrad student majoring in fine arts was late for an assignment and the paint store only sold the color “Disgusting.” I hope the crib was done up in Target bedding and the three hundred dollar bedding you got from Jacadi was at the cleaners.
You Will Encounter Head Lice
Getting one of those lovely notes from school saying a student in your kid’s class has been discovered to have head lice? Oh yes. And even though some of our Moms think head lice ain’t no big, the idea of tiny teeming insects living on your kid’s hair and infesting the rest of your family is just another rite of childhood and something all of us are totally creeped out by.
You Will Wear Something With Something That Shouldn’t Be On It
EVERY SINGLE PARENT I have ever known, and you will ever meet, has something on them somewhere that is so NOT something that should be on them. Whether it be puke, urine, a small amount of poop, or a stray tiny fingernail that ended up in their shirt pocket every single parent you will ever meet has some sort of ick on them. They may have cleaned it up with a baby wipe before rushing out of the house to meet you for a cup of coffee, they may have licked a Kleenex in the car to dab at a stain on their pants, but I can promise you the parent you are speaking to is covered in something. They may look lovely today, but that’s only because you are assuming that barely visible stain on their blouse is pudding.
You Will Eat Things That May Not Even Technically Be Considered ‘Food’
I don’t care how many recipes you have saved in your little Epicurious box , I don’t care how many cookbooks you own, after you have kids you can kiss all your food snobbery goodbye. Because your toddler will leave a few spoons of dayglo orange Mac-N-Cheeeeze on their plate and you haven’t eaten all day. Or they will shove a drippy soft serve ice cream cone they have been drooling all over for five minutes in your mouth. Or they will want to play that super creepy game where they take Cheerios in their grubby little fists and stick them into your mouthhole. You will finish things that they didn’t. You will feign utter bliss when they burn you Mother’s Day toast and present it to you with a wilted dandelion from your front yard. And you will be walking into school and realize your kid has a piece of gum in their mouth and not seeing a trash can nearby, you will hold out your hand, have them spit THEIR gum into it, and you will put it in YOUR mouth. You will sample so many tastes of plastic and cardboard play food. Suck it up sister, after having kids your day of being a gourmand have reached their expiration date.