I knew something was going on in the great big world today because I awoke super early with my Beyonce-sense tingling and lo and behold while we were all minding our business and also minding this sanctimommy’s business THIS happened:

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I CAN’T EVEN. (In a good way)

OK so sheesh, I need to settle down Gladys because, holy cow, we need to analyze this . Fully. The Beyonce haircut.

What does it mean that Bey shore off her locks? Wait, were they even Bey’s locks to begin with, or was she like other celebs who had extensions? Anyway! OK, the reasons why Beyonce cut off her hair!

One: She is pregnant again and having long hair and being pregnant and chasing after a toddler is a total PITA and she got the Beyonce haircut to make her life easier!

Two: She watched all of Orange Is The New Black on Netflix like the rest of us and she also thinks that Samira Wiley is the prettiest ever and wants to have short hair too:

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(Photo: livejournal)

Three: She wanted to! Which is probably the reason!

We all need to think about this, because I am so not Beyonce. I am not even like as pretty as Beyonce’s feet probably are, and I would LOVE to have a Beyonce haircut like this but zomg I would look so amazingly stupid with hair like this. So stupid. So so stupid.

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But I would love to have short hair like this because it would be so free-ing and ugh, the only people who can pull this off are Beyonce. Or someone else with very gamine Bambi-esque features. It’s a total Twiggy. Beyonce pulled a Twiggy!

I have made so many monumental hair eff-ups in my life! So so many! Just recently I bleached my well-below shoulder length hair white and had it colored lilac. It was SO pretty for like two days until my hair started breaking off in unfortunate places and I realized the upkeep on it would be continuous. Plus, I basically spent all day every day deep conditioning my hair. Then I had a mess cut off and dyed a normal color and it is finally starting to feel vaguely like hair again and not horse hay. And when I was pregnant with my daughter I decided I HAD to get really long human hair extensions so I spent piles and piles of money having them put in and when she was born I freaked out over my hair extensions and made my mom who was visiting remove them with a razor. I still have a box of human hair in my basement!

So I basically cannot do a Beyonce haircut to my hair. I can’t. I would regret it terribly and it would look awful on me but I want toooooo. But I bet other girls will totally be storming their salons today and demanding a Beyonce and I am totally jealous in advance. Short hair must be the best when you have little kids. You can just wash it and blow dry it for two minutes and then have a life. But I guess Beyonce would look gorgeous even if she just I don’t know, stuck a pineapple or a house cat on her head and called it a day.

UPDATED:

TECHNICALLY, IT SHOULD BE NOTED, THAT BEY STOLE KOA BECK‘S JAM.

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LOOK at this gorgeous femme aka MY BOSS Koa who can also rock the amazing pixie hair. I hate both Beyonce and Koa. I was totally going to add her pic when I originally wrote this but I was worried she would be all mad at me but I don’t care. I’ll just be over here with my long dumb hair secretly glaring at these Bambi babes.

(Image: Instagram)