As I’ve mentioned before, I started my family on the younger side and therefore had less expectations about what that would entail. I figured it would be me, my partner, and my little bundle of
poo joy enjoying life to the fullest. What crap.
There is apparently so much more that goes into parenthood. Or at least you would think that if you see some of the shenanigans that are expected of you once you pop out a few bambinos. There are the obvious non-negotiables, like taking your kids to the doctor, or reading the same book 10 times in a row. But then there are the strange and annoying things that tons of moms seem to do that I Just. Can’t. Stand. Here are some of your typical “mom things” that I will NOT be doing anytime soon.
1. Going to Mommy and Me classes
Whether or not you agree that “mom friends” are important (Koa Beck says “no way” and Eve Vawter says “nuh uh, yes way“) I do not think that putting a bunch of strangers in a room with their babies and making them sing stupid songs and play is the best way to go about meeting them.
2. Going to Gymboree
Gymboree is just a Mommy and Me class where you’re guilted into buying a bunch of over-priced, useless crap afterward. While I cherish any chance to look at adorable baby clothes, I don’t need to spend anymore money than I already do. I can play with my baby at home and shop online at Old Navy like civilized people do.
3. Playing “kids’ music” in the car
I don’t mean “I will only play kids’ music sometimes in the car.” NO. Screw that noise. NOT GONNA HAPPEN. My car is a kids’ music-free zone. An oasis of awesome with where no kiddie tunes are allowed and where I can play all the Metallica and old, shameful Eminem CDs that I want, forever.
4. Installing tiny little TVs in my car
I get having a DVD player for long rides, but I think my kids can handle going to the grocery store without watching “Barney and Friends” for the seventh time of the day. And no one needs to have a separate little screen for each seat in the car. This isn’t first class on Delta.
5. Filling my house with toys
Guess what? My kids have this space in the house with four walls. It’s called “their room.” They even have a window! I’m not running Gitmo here. In that room they have space for all their junk. There is enough space to play with said junk. Therefore, there is no reason for me to be tripping over it in the living room. The living room is for reading and watching episodes of “Orange is the New Black” on Netflix ONLY. And
maybe wine. What you won’t see is a ton of toys everywhere.
(Photo: Mr Hairy Chord)
3. Joining the PTA
The PTA should be called “Sanctimommy and Me.” I will admit, I tried the whole PTA thing once. Maybe in some places the PTA is a wonderful organization where people meet up and respectfully talk to each other and listen about their respective school-related worries. But not anywhere I’ve lived. Nope, all I’ve seen is cranky, entitled sanctimommies (and daddies!) who think they are better than all the other parents present and who try to hog all the time. The one where we live won’t even schedule the meetings after five p.m., because who wants to hear from those terrible working moms who neglect their kids? And they never serve wine.
2. Going to Chuck E. Cheese
Apparently, unlike Disneyland, Chuck E. Cheese is NOT the happiest place in earth. Every week I hear about another brawl that happened at this chain. These fights usually end in fisticuffs (or handcuffs!). From Long Island to Wisconsin and everywhere in between, this restaurant seems to serve more failure than cheap, made-in-China toys. And it just looks MISERABLE. Screaming kids, terrible pizza and a ball pit that is probably just dripping in STDs and fecal matter. And apparently this happens:
*Shudder* No thanks.
1. Watch cartoons I hate
I think we can all agree that everyone hates Calliou, but there are plenty of others that make my blood boil with the heat of 1000 angry suns. Max and Ruby. Mickey and Friends from the Disney Channel. Charlie and Lola. But my least favorite has to be Peppa Pig. When I hear those ridiculous little piggy eating sounds I just want to build a time machine, go back in time, and lock the show’s creator in a dungeon. Instead I grapple with the urge to punch myself in the face and shut the TV off.
(Photo: Gwili Steam Railway)