8 Typical ‘Mom Things’ I Won’t Be Doing

As I’ve mentioned before, I started my family on the younger side and therefore had less expectations about what that would entail. I figured it would be me, my partner, and my little bundle of poo joy enjoying life to the fullest. What crap.

There is apparently so much more that goes into parenthood. Or at least you would think that if you see some of the shenanigans that are expected of you once you pop out a few bambinos. There are the obvious non-negotiables, like taking your kids to the doctor, or reading the same book 10 times in a row. But then there are the strange and annoying things that tons of moms seem to do that I Just. Can’t. Stand. Here are some of your typical “mom things” that I will NOT be doing anytime soon.

1. Going to Mommy and Me classes

mommy and me class

Whether or not you agree that “mom friends” are important (Koa Beck says “no way” and Eve Vawter says “nuh uh, yes way“) I do not think that putting a bunch of strangers in a room with their babies and making them sing stupid songs and play is the best way to go about meeting them.

(Photo:  UCFGEEKS)

2. Going to Gymboree


Gymboree is just a Mommy and Me class where you’re guilted into buying a bunch of over-priced, useless crap afterward. While I cherish any chance to look at adorable baby clothes, I don’t need to spend anymore money than I already do. I can play with my baby at home and shop online at Old Navy like civilized people do.

(Photo: juicevill)

3. Playing “kids’ music” in the car

car music

I don’t mean “I will only play kids’ music sometimes in the car.” NO. Screw that noise. NOT GONNA HAPPEN. My car is a kids’ music-free zone. An oasis of awesome with where no kiddie tunes are allowed and where I can play all the Metallica and old, shameful Eminem CDs that I want, forever.

(Photo: jess_g)

4. Installing tiny little TVs in my car

Dvds in car each seat

I get having a DVD player for long rides, but I think my kids can handle going to the grocery store without watching “Barney and Friends” for the seventh time of the day. And no one needs to have a separate little screen for each seat in the car. This isn’t first class on Delta.

(Photo:  jessyjyothivasan)

5. Filling my house with toys

too many toys

Guess what? My kids have this space in the house with four walls. It’s called “their room.” They even have a window! I’m not running Gitmo here. In that room they have space for all their junk. There is enough space to play with said junk. Therefore, there is no reason for me to be tripping over it in the living room. The living room is for reading and watching episodes of “Orange is the New Black” on Netflix ONLY. And maybe wine. What you won’t see is a ton of toys everywhere.

(Photo: Mr Hairy Chord)

3. Joining the PTA

fighting moms

The PTA should be called “Sanctimommy and Me.” I will admit, I tried the whole PTA thing once. Maybe in some places the PTA is a wonderful organization where people meet up and respectfully talk to each other and listen about their respective school-related worries. But not anywhere I’ve lived. Nope, all I’ve seen is cranky, entitled sanctimommies (and daddies!) who think they are better than all the other parents present and who try to hog all the time. The one where we live won’t even schedule the meetings after five p.m., because who wants to hear from those terrible working moms who neglect their kids? And they never serve wine.

(Photo: AlexandreNunes / Shutterstock)

2. Going to Chuck E. Cheese

chuck e cheese

Apparently, unlike Disneyland, Chuck E. Cheese is NOT the happiest place in earth. Every week I hear about another brawl that happened at this chain. These fights usually end in fisticuffs (or handcuffs!). From Long Island to Wisconsin and everywhere in between, this restaurant seems to serve more failure than cheap, made-in-China toys. And it just looks MISERABLE. Screaming kids, terrible pizza and a ball pit that is probably just dripping in STDs and fecal matter. And apparently this happens:

*Shudder* No thanks.

(Photo: YouTube)

1. Watch cartoons I hate

peppa pig

I think we can all agree that everyone hates Calliou, but there are plenty of others that make my blood boil with the heat of 1000 angry suns. Max and Ruby. Mickey and Friends from the Disney Channel. Charlie and Lola. But my least favorite has to be Peppa Pig. When I hear those ridiculous little piggy eating sounds I just want to build a time machine, go back in time, and lock the show’s creator in a dungeon. Instead I grapple with the urge to punch myself in the face and shut the TV off.

(Photo:  Gwili Steam Railway)

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  • Regina Maldonado

    Totally agree with a lot of these. My son’s favorite cds to listen to in the car are Bruno Mars and Drake and I refuse to ever go to Chuck E Cheese (even though my mom plans on taking him…all i say to her is good luck lol).

    • http://fairlyoddmedia.com/ Frances Locke

      Ha! I wish her luck too. I will admit, I took my oldest daughter once, but I swore never again so I think it still counts, lol!

    • Regina Maldonado

      Lol I think that (in her mind) that’s one of the perks of being a grandparent…”I’m gonna get him all hopped up on candy and soda and then I can send him home to his mom!” Haha

  • Cee

    My sister in law makes my nephew listens to kids music. It is THE worst! I have ridden in long car rides where I want to tear my ears off. I think I heard a Cee Lo Green song clucked by a chicken like four times in one trip! How can someone hear this nonsense?

    Oh glob. The PTA. No just no. I love me some awesome, caring parents, but you will hardly find any of those in the PTA, at least from my experience. They usually fight and complain about petty things and mostly ask for things that will benefit their own child rather than all the kids or the school.

    I saw Mickey and Friends the other day thinking it was the old school one where it looked like some sort of variety night club where all the Disney characters appeared and they aired all kinds of Disney character shorts? I forget. But no, wtf is all this “mishka mooshka blah blah blah” Those are not even words!

  • Andy

    Agree with a lot of these (although I do admit to having toys in the living room, but we have a nice looking cabinet they get put in at the end of the night). As far as cartoons, my daughter has never seen Calliou, but my personal, hate it with the fire of a thousand suns kid’s show is “Oh Noah”. It’s online only and on a PBS kids app, but I swear every other word out of the kid’s mouth is “How did I ever get into this mess?” I have to bite my tongue to keep from snapping “Because you’re a dumb ass” and I finally deleted the app off of our iPad-DD3 doesn’t miss it, and I’m much saner for it :)

    • G.E. Phillips

      I deleted the PBS kids app on my iPhone because of “Oh Noah.” I HATE that little bitch.

  • SDA

    I agree with everything on here except for the PTA. While I hope to avoid it like the plague, the educational state of affairs in NC is about to hit the proverbial shit fan (as is about everything else in NC). Our teachers are about to be the last ranked as far as pay and we are WAAAAY down on the list for education. If this continues, I could see myself on the PTA as I would feel it would be vital to be as involved as I could be to make sure that my kid’s school has the best resources and reaching out to the community for support. Hopefully those damn republicans will get kicked in the ass next election and we can get back on track. I will NEVER forgive them if I have to end up on the PTA.

    • Muggle

      My old town in NC is known for being full of judgemental assholes who thrive on drama and competition, but being in the eastern part of the state you HAVE to pay attention to the PTA at some point. Schools are fucking horrible out there. I’d say I’m glad I moved to Virginia, but things aren’t much better here.

      And people wonder why I don’t want kids…

  • Elizabeth Wakefield

    I have to disagree with the one about joining the PTA. The PTA is supposed to support your child and their teachers. It’s about having a voice in your child’s education, forming a relationship with the school and supporting the teachers who give so much of themselves to your child. There are ways to be involved in the PTA without getting drawn into any drama. You have to go into with the right intentions and keep your eye on what it REALLY is about.

    • Andrea

      I agree. You will most definitely find queen bees and mean bitches, but it doesn’t discount the fact that the PTA does A LOT of things around the schools to enhance your kid’s learning, to help out the teachers, to make the school a better place to learn.

    • http://fairlyoddmedia.com/ Frances Locke

      I see what you’re saying. This was really meant to be tongue in cheek more than anything. I actually plan to try again this year. We are living back in my home town of NYC and I’m hoping the dynamic will be better.

    • Elizabeth Wakefield

      And obviously this site is heavy on the humor but there are schools out there in serious crisis mode who need all the help from the community that they can get. And the best way to provide that support and help is through the PTA because it (usually) is fairly organized and you can track where the money is going and so forth.

    • AP

      Not all PTAs do that. One of my school’s PTAs was so the clique-y mommies could suck up to the principal so their children could avoid ever getting in trouble. That, and token fundraisers.

    • Elizabeth Wakefield

      I’m sorry you had that experience, but I do believe that is the exception and not the rule. The genuine purpose of PTA is exactly as I stated above.

    • Allyson_et_al

      I still have PTSD about my PTA experience. The president squeezed me out of my committee chair position simply because she didn’t like me. She alienated almost every volunteer foolish enough to try to work with her (instead of merely shutting up and meekly working for her). We were smart people with advanced degrees who really wanted to help, but, damn, it was like being in high school again and getting excluded from the cool kids’ table (except the cool kids in this case were incredibly bitchy and in their 40′s). The power trip these (usually) women get hung up on is astounding. It reminded me of a great Mary McCarthy quote. Someone once asked her why academic politics were so vicious, and she replied, “That’s easy. It’s because the stakes are so low.” Exactly. Never again.

    • Elizabeth Wakefield

      I’m sorry that you had that kind of experience. All the PTA members I’ve worked with have been more than generous with their time, kind with their words and committed to creating a better school environment.

    • AP

      Just because that’s your experience doesn’t mean it will be everyone’s. You should be more respectful of other people’s negative experiences, instead of diminishing them.

    • Elizabeth Wakefield

      I’m not diminishing anything. But many of our schools are in dire need of community involvement due to financial strain. To tell people NOT to get involved is doing a disservice to the children.

    • Allyson_et_al

      I didn’t say not to get involved. I just said I’m done. Big difference, that.

  • blh

    I agree with all of these for the most part. My dad and step mom used to listen to that kids music shit when my siblings were younger and I literally wanted to throw myself out of the speeding car. I will NOT be doing that.

  • Paul White

    What, Metallica isn’t kid’s music? Crap. Now I know why daycare was PO’d when he started singing Master of Puppets….

    • Andy

      Yeah, my three year old started singing along to the chorus of “Red Solo Cup” by Toby Keith in the car yesterday-nothing says start ‘em young like having your child know the words to a redneck drinking song. Still not sure if I should be proud or embarrassed by that one.

    • http://fairlyoddmedia.com/ Frances Locke


    • Karin

      I’ll see your “Red Solo Cup” and raise you “Poker Face” sung by a three-year-old.

    • Muggle

      That’s my fiance’s favorite song. Now I’m even more reluctant to reproduce.

    • Paul White

      but….ew, Toby Kieth

    • Mass_Resident

      When my daughter was 3, her sisters had her singing “I wake up in the morning feeling like P-Diddy”. I thought it was hilarious.

    • Elizabeth Wakefield

      My mother-in-law (and former elementary school teacher) was SHOCKED that my toddler didn’t know “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star” and proceeded to download an app to cure this apparent travesty in my daughter’s life. BUT…she does know that Justin Timberlake, Britney Spears and Madonna make the best music to dance around the house while wearing only panties and t-shirts. So there’s that…

  • Karin

    I told my husband while I was pregnant I was NEVER setting foot in a Chuck E Cheese. He asked, “What if he’s invited to a birthday party there?” I responded, “Then you’re taking him. Or he regretfully will be unable to attend.”

  • Hoosier in the UK

    You had me till you said no Peppa Pig…that is one of the few cartoons that is on that I can stand. If you’d said Dora however…..

  • Rachel O

    Well you’re no fun. And I guess you’ll miss out on Chuck E. Cheese parent fight night.

  • Helen Hyde

    A friend of my husband was one of the animators on Peppa Pig, and he hated that mother-loving pig more than you can imagine. My husband works for Cartoon Network, so we’re pretty much an Adventure Time only household. That show is awesome.

  • Toaster

    We mostly have a ‘no kids music’ rule but caved and got the Barenaked Ladies kids album, which is actually pretty decent. It has the unfortunate side effect of my preschooler saying. “I want Barenaked Ladies!”

    • SDA

      That is the only kids album we have played in the car so far!

    • Allyson_et_al

      I love that album! My kids now love BNL’s grownup music. Same with They Might Be Giants, although their kids’ albums were a kind of gateway drug to get us there.

  • http://www.8bitdad.com Zach Rosenberg


    One of the first songs my kid sang was Avicii’s “Levels”. Repetition? Melody? Robot sounds? Yes.


    • http://lawleramericanadventure.wordpress.com/ Nicole

      Heck yes! When I was a preschool teacher, the kids would go nuts when I had had enough and put my music on or turned the radio on. Music designed to make you feel like dancing and a good solid beat wore them out!

  • Emmali Lucia


    *Huge shudder* I can’t even think about Max and Ruby, it just pisses me off.

    • Muggle

      Oh god this. Why is this show even allowed to exist. WHYYYY.

      Ruby is such a bitch, too. Every time I’m forced to watch the show with a young babysitting charge I wind up cheering for Max out of sheer spite. Of course the kids do too…

  • Turtle

    Numbering! 12345321!

  • http://wtfihaveakid.blogspot.ca/ jendra_berri

    I intend to get DVDs of all the kids shows I will let my son watch, which will be shows that aren’t poorly written/stupid/annoying. This way I hope to avoid children’s channels that will introduce my boy to awful TV that I have no intention of allowing into my home.
    And definitely no kids music. He’ll hear it enough in daycare and kindergarten. When he’s in the car with us, it’s our music.
    I do have kids stuff in the living room, though. My son’s room isn’t a room, it’s an alcove of sorts. Not too much room to put his things. We need to move :(

    • Elizabeth Wakefield

      If you have DVR through your cable provider, you can also record all the shows you like and save them for tv watching time. I do this with Sesame Street because we’re all out of the house during the day.

  • http://lawleramericanadventure.wordpress.com/ Nicole

    My siblings and I grew up in the early 90′s and we were pretty broke so whenever we’d travel, we’d go by car and my parents would have *none* of the kids music shit. I sent my formative years listening to disco and Queen, The Skyhooks and all those other awesome rockers. That served me better than the 4 years I spent working in child are listening to so e of the worst music on earth.
    Also, DVD players in cars! I just isn’t get it. At. All. Maybe we were lucky because I was a reader, my brother was a sleeper and my sister was content to look out the window or play with her dolly. If we got bored, we played games or listened to audio books.

  • Blahblah

    It is kids’ music if my kid listens to it! Currently in my uterus she seems to prefer The 69 Eyes, HIM, and Pink Floyd. I tried to play classical… She didn’t like it.

  • Courtney Lynn

    Yeah, no kid’s music in my car. EVER. No Gymboree or Mommy and Me groups (barely even know what those are). My husband eventually wants portable DVD players for long trips, though. He is the oldest of 3 boys and they are 9 years apart and 16 years apart (he’s 31, his brothers are now 22 and 15, almost). He said that was a real sanity saver with them growing up. Sounds reasonable to me, I personally wouldn’t know, so I figure he has been there. Chuck E Cheese, well, I don’t like crowds, but I might give it a go for my kids. With other adults around!

  • SusannahJoy

    Honestly I’m torn on the dvd in the car thing. We do a lot of long car trips, and expecting a toddler to sit quietly that whole time is pretty naive, and I can’t help with entertaining because anything other than looking straight ahead tends to result in the need to PULL OVER NOW!!!! so as much as I hate the idea of a dvd player, it might be worth it for some peace.

    • Katherine Handcock

      To be fair, she does say that DVD players for long trips are different; I think it’s the idea of having screens built in so that kids ask WHENEVER they go in the car that she objects to.

  • Nightshade.

    I love Peppa Pig! I love singing along to the play school cd my kid’s have. The songs come on shuffle among my music.

  • Katherine Handcock

    About the kids’ music, though – it does depend on WHAT kids’ music. Everybody should check out Secret Agent 23 Skiddoo http://www.secretagent23skidoo.com/ who does awesome hip-hop with positive messages for kids (along with his daughter, MC Firework, who’s 11 now, I think). It’s fun and it’s enjoyable for everyone.

  • AugustW

    My daughter believes Spongebob only exists on Grandma’s TV. :D

  • G.E. Phillips

    I love Peppa Pig *ducks and runs*

  • Maddi

    My mum joined the PTA at my primary school specifically to stop sanctimommies being fucking ridiculous, and it worked a treat! Mum managed to have some seriously stupid policies revoked. She also joined it because I got lice all the time and she got fed up with lice and staged a war on lice in my school (she did weekly lice checks for all of the classes). Yay mum!

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  • anonymous

    You’re a bitch

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