• Tue, Aug 6 2013

10 Moms You Wish Were At Your First Mommy Group

We all know the 10 moms that will most likely be at your first mommy group. But what about the ladies that you wish were in attendance? Here are 10 swoon-worthy moms that you wish were waiting to greet you every Wednesday night, Scrabble boards and beers in hand.

1. The Mom Who Brought An Entire Case Of Wine 

She busts through the door with a party hat and an entire case by way of her Veuve Clicquot contacts. “A bottle for everyone!” she says. “Don’t worry, honey bunches! This case is on me!” She’s refreshing your glass before you can even get half way into your sanctimommy story. “Oh, you’re still breastfeeding?” she asks, “Might want to keep it to just two glasses then.” Wink, wink.

2. The Mom Who Does Not Give A Fuck How You’re Feeding Your Baby

Formula feeding? Breastfeeding? Extended breastfeeding? Not only does she profoundly not care and not want to waste one iota of her mommy group time talking about it, she ALSO doesn’t care if you whip out a boob or a formula bottle mid-sentence and start feeding. There are no awkward pauses and she doesn’t miss beat when relaying to you how she deactivates her Facebook during World Breastfeeding Week.

3. The Mom Who Swears Too Much (And By That I Mean Just Enough)

She’s dropping the F-bomb faster than your infant ruins a fresh diaper and she has zero apologies. Her favorite past-time is the card game “Bullshit” and no, she definitely does NOT want to attend your kids’ holiday concert with you. She’s awesome for carpool because she has the fiercest road rage around and your kids come back home learning all kinds of cool new hand signals!

4. The Mom Who Brought Pot And Will Totally Share With You

She’s not going to save those goodies for after bedtime when it’s just she and her partner having some giggles in the backyard. Hellz no. She’s bringing that stash because wine “gives her such a headache.” Later, she’ll trade fantasies with you about how she has always wanted to live on a co-nursing compound and give up all this suburban crap. She’s got a killer boutique on Etsy, but she gives you all her grumpy cat pillows for free.

5. The Mom Who Will Take The Pet Your Kids Got You To Adopt On A Whim

This animal foster parent will take anything you got. A kitten that your partner randomly came home with? The dog that your parents decided to show up with for Christmas? The hamster that your tween swore UP AND DOWN they would take care of, please mom, I swear I’ll do everything by myself. She’ll take it off your hands, secure the pet into a good home, and have your house smelling normal again. She also has adorable chocolate labs. Just because.

6. The Mom Who Doesn’t Buy Into Lame Mom Stigmas 

She’s the first one in the round circle to see motherhood double standards for exactly what they are: sexist, classist bullshit. She’s well-versed on our lack of maternity/paternity leave, why mommy words like “mompreneur” are condescending, and don’t even get her started on “post-baby body” crap. While she is sensitive to your motherhood struggles, she’s not exactly going to cry a river with you over “having it all” and encourages a critical eye when perusing contemporary parenthood dialogues. She probably interned at Ms. way back in the day and probably also cites this often.

7. The Mom Who Doesn’t Think You Need To Be Dating If You Don’t Want To Be

So you and your partner split and ever since, your partnered friends start having “friends” over for dinner with you. You appreciate their “concern” but you resent their charity, as well as their leftovers (read: college friends who are still single. “OH! YOU’LL JUST LOVE CHARLIE!”). The only person who isn’t pushing anything just short of a houseplant in your direction is this fine lady who will gladly go to yoga with you and rolls her eyes at any sort of set up you feel obligated to attend. Her idea of good time is going in on you with a sitter, hitting up happy hour, and then getting a mani-pedi. She may or may not also suffer from divorce envy, which you ever so slightly appreciate from time to time.

8. The Mom Who Always Brings Delicious SNAX

Doesn’t have to be fancy, and no she doesn’t have a Pinterest. She may be gifted with a mixing bowl, but she’s also not afraid to low-brow it with an entire box of Oreos either. Oscillating between gluten-free, vegan, nut-free, and whatever the hell is her pantry, she can hook you up with whatever your dietary restriction allows and is fluent in substitutions. You’d ask her for recipes but she makes that shit better than you anyway. AND SHE ALWAYS BRINGS YOU EXTRAS.

9. The Mom Who Has A Healthy Open Marriage And Will Tell You Everything

Who knows how she or her partner identify but you are way captivated. Consent, honesty, and communication never looked so sexy and — at least the way she tells it — it works! You’re hanging on her every word as she candidly revisits all the details. It’s the best movie you never had to pay for, and with a cast of characters you love. So did she sleep with the flight attendant? The dude she met on Craigslist? What? She can’t meet up with you this weekend for lunch because she and her partner are going swinging? Um, OK!

10. The Mom Who Likes To Troll Uptight Mommy Forums With You

Some of your best stories are hanging out on the Gchat after the kids are asleep and sending one another uptight car seat mom threads. You can’t even quote this hilarity back and forth without feeling your pelvic floor go (WHOOPS!). Occasionally one or both of you may have posted something along the lines of “I DRIVE AROUND WITH MY KIDS ON THE ROOF OF MY CAR!” just to pour a little water on the ants. You’d stop but it’s the most fun you have had these days for free.

(photo: x-ray delta one)

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  • msenesac

    I would definitely classify myself as “The Mom Who Swears Too Much”

    • LadyClodia

      I am also that mom.

    • DMH

      Yup… Complete with the road rage.

    • Ptownsteveschick

      We needed a laugh so we taught our daughter to say “What de HEULLL?”
      Best thing ever. I am totally the cussing mom. I am also the clumsy mom. Combine the two and it explains why my 2 year old yells “Fuckin ASS” every time she falls down.

  • Elizabeth Wakefield

    I am the mother who doesn’t care how you are feeding your baby. But I do care how you are disciplining them…or rather how you are NOT disciplining them.

  • Shelly Lloyd

    I’m the mom that swears too much, and brings a case of girl scout cookies because if I have to look at another box of freaking thin mints I will build a time machine, go back in time and beat the snot out of Juliette Low so that she never, ever starts girl scouting….

  • http://wtfihaveakid.blogspot.ca/ jendra_berri

    Oh, the swearing. Loves me the swearing.

  • Courtney Lynn

    I qualify for both 2 and 3.

  • Bric-a-Brac

    I’m totally #4 and #8. it sucks because I can’t find any non-judgy mommy friends to partake with and then feed goodies. :( So it’s just me and the SO giggling it up after the kid goes to bed.