• Fri, Aug 2 - 12:14 pm ET

10 Moms You Will Meet At Your First Mommy Group

Congratulations! You’ve recently welcomed your first baby, or moved to a new place with your brood, and are therefore looking to make your foray into “mom friends.” Tread softly and no sudden movements at your first mommy group, because we’re amongst tropes. Motherhood tropes! Wear your best maternity jeans and make sure your hair looks nice because here are the 10 ladies you’ll probably end up spending 45 minutes or so with.

The Mother Who Thinks That You’re In The Wrong Mommy Group

If you’ve selected a group based on attachment parenting, breastfeeding, or baby’s birth date, you will inevitably encounter this lady. Essentially, she thinks that either your baby is too young to be in your mommy group (because yours is a full four weeks younger than everyone else’s baby), or that you’re not really committed to attachment parenting, or that because you supplement with formula sometimes, you don’t belong in a pro-breastfeeding group. Don’t mind her. Her bark is usually far worse than her bite and she’ll probably loosen up once motherhood kicks her firmly in the ass. Identify, assess, and move on.

The Mother Who Talks Non-Stop About Her Birth

Maybe her epidural didn’t work, or she had an emergency c-section, or she was in labor for 72 hours. Either way, she’s still understandably dealing with a lot of very intense trauma from an experience that — as women — we aren’t encouraged to candidly articulate. While she may be chatting your ear off in the corner, let her. She needs somebody, which may turn out to be a professional therapist. But in the spirit of motherhood, give her 20 minutes of her your life.

The Mother Who Secretly Smokes Pot

pothead

Maybe she smokes a little bit after the baby goes down or she and her partner relive their giddy college days in the jacuzzi. Nevertheless, when you meet her, she may strike you as the one who is a little more grounded, laid-back, and easygoing, and probably wears lots of cute and casual scarves. It will probably be a few more months before, upon spending an afternoon in her backyard and the kids are sleep, she’ll look at you from behind her wayward curls and coyly ask, “soooooo, do you get high?”

The Mother Who Is A(n Adorable) Mess

If she’s not 40 minutes late for mommy group, she’s got breastmilk coming through her shirt and cereal in her pockets. She can’t focus on the menu long enough to order and often times walks right into walls, blaming the good old “baby brain.” Did she grab her diaper bag INSTEAD of her purse? Do conversations with her feel like a mommy Mad Libs? Klutzy moms are straight adorbs.

The Mother Who Prides Herself On Being The “Cool” Mom With No Rules

For now it’s no bedtimes and sleepovers whenever the kid wants and, no, you don’t need to talk to the parent because you’re just fine with them being your summer daycare center. But in a few short years, she’ll be one of those ladies cackling about how awesome it is that she’s such a “bad mom”and that yes, she is considering taking her 10-year-old daughter to sex shop. What? You’re not down? Well, you’re not a “cool mom.”

The Mother Who Is Racially Illiterate

She’ll blame it on fact that she doesn’t know all those “PC terms,” but leave her with your mixed race child for too long and she’ll be the first one to talk about how “exotic” he or she looks. Brown babies are her “favorite,” she says, on account of them being just so “gorgeous” and “different” looking. If you’ve even taken it upon yourself to approach her about why this exotification of babies of color is problematic, she’ll get defensive and say that she voted for Barack Obama. Twice.

 The Mother Who Is In Competition With You (And Everyone)

tc

If her kid isn’t exhibiting “amazing neck strength” before yours than he or she showing “walking signs” at six months. Whatever makes her sleep better at night. She’ll probably only get worse the more you go along as milestones like crawling, talking, and reading take center stage. She’s on the fast track to sanctimommy land and you do not want to be in that intersection, friend.

The Mother Who Has PPD And Doesn’t Know It Yet

lelo

You probably won’t be able to identify this woman at first glance, but statistically she is there. Her partner or mother probably convinced her to come tonight because she’s been acting “strangely” since the birth of the baby and they’re concerned. Or maybe in a fit of tears, she decided that she would make the effort to come. But make no mistake, she is there. Buy her coffee. Be her friend. She needs one.

The Mother Who Thinks That She’s An Expert On Your Marriage/Partnership

peggy

This one will be slow to reveal herself. But after a couple of drinks, a candid discussion about the massive hit your marriage has taken since having a baby will result in one didactic leader: The lady who schools you on how 80 percent of couples who do X divorce before their child is three years old. Or how “healthy partnerships” are always comprised of 100 percent honesty or some such adage. Unless she’s a couples counselor that you and your partner have specifically sought out, ignore her. She probably means well, but she has no idea what is going on between you two.

The Cool Mom Who You Are Totally Mom Crushing On

Something about the way that she perfects that messy bun and jeans makes you feel like you’re sitting at the cool kids table. Not only does she have a kid, but somehow, she manages to project that she actually has a life. AND INTERESTS. And passions. She doesn’t seem to care too much for mom drama, probably because she lived in Senegal for a year or two before meeting her partner and “settling down.” And she speaks Portuguese. Randomly. She also looks really great holding a beer.

(photo:  Christian Montone)

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  • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

    I’m the frumpy mom handing everyone snax

    • Paul White

      if you bring food you’re automatically the best one. If multiple people bring food then the discussion reopens.

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      are you threatening my position Paul White? I’ll brown butter rice krispie treat your ass under the table, Mister.

    • Paul White

      Hmm. sounds like that’s a chance I’m 100% willing to take :D

    • http://fairlyoddmedia.com/ Frances Locke

      What about the one who brings wine? Because that’s me.

    • Paul White

      Well, I don’t like wine. Bring whiskey and we’ll talk. You can get me smashed and Eve can feed me junk food.

    • http://fairlyoddmedia.com/ Frances Locke

      Whiskey it is!

    • http://itsmyworldcanthasnotyours.blogspot.com/ wmdkitty

      I’m usually the one with the, erm, “herbal supplements”. TBH, I’ll deal with kids if it means I get to hang out with women. Sometimes you just need company of the female persuasion, know what I mean?

    • AugustW

      If I could ever find a mommy group that didn’t annoy me, I would cupcake the crap out of them.

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      I love how all of our snack offerings are semi-violent

    • Blahblah

      I’m the mom quietly eating all the snax and trying to read her Kindle instead of talk to other Mommies. I am the Mommy that doesn’t play well with others, I guess.

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      Oh stfu we all love you – ME ESPECIALLY

  • msenesac

    I’m the mom avoiding mommy groups at all costs.

    • Koa_Beck

      Dude, I almost included you.

    • G.E. Phillips

      Me toooooo.

    • LiteBrite

      Me too. But if I’m forced to go to one, then I’m the mom looking at Portia Mount and laughing (in a good way).

    • AugustW

      I’m the mom who doesn’t have time to go to a 10am mommy group that requires a yearly “fee” AND makes potential members attend TWO “public” meetings before they are given the super secret handshake and keys to the “private” meetings.
      Yeah. That totally exists in my town.

    • Allyson_et_al

      Yikes. I think I’m afraid of the mommies in your town. Come on over to my place. I don’t have babies any more, but my 12-year-old is a great sitter, and we can hang out and have a beer while she watches the little ones. I don’t have a probation period or a secret handshake.

  • Portia Mount

    I’m the sarcastic mom who swears too much.

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      I’M SITTING BY YOU FEEDING YOU SNAX

    • Kate

      So glad I’m not the only one! I’ve been told I come across as a bitch with my sarcasm (and sometimes brutal honesty when a mom needs it…like telling them to calm the fuck down because kids are all different not clones!).

    • Allyson_et_al

      No such thing as swearing too much, sweetie. Sometimes swearing is necessary. And sarcasm is always necessary.

    • ETOHprn

      Um, there are others like me? HELLZ YA!

  • Rose

    I would expand #9 to “thinks she’s an authority on everything child/baby related.” I encountered one on my first mommy group visit. She told me my OB was evil and ‘hated women’, and if I loved my unborn child, I’d switch doctors at 35 weeks. I didn’t go back, and now I’m the mom who avoids mom groups.

    • Smishsmash

      I am also the mom who avoids mom groups for the same reason. My first mom group was a very sunny day. I had a big umbrella for me and my son and most other people had their babies in hats. This one lady showed up with a baby with no sun protection and started saying nervous things like “oh no, it’s much sunnier than I was expecting, etc.” So even though I’ve heard the no sunscreen for babies thing before I have some because I like to be prepared, and I mention to this lady “hey, I have some baby sunscreen I bought for emergencies in my bag if you need it.” Which is the point that this other mom’s head snaps around like a whip, she stands up, says “can I educate you about something?” and commences a freaking 20 minute lecture about the evils of sunscreen. Like we were proposing to give the baby shots of whiskey or something.

      I wish I could join my husbands dad’s group. All they do is run around the playground then stick tired kids in strollers and find a cafe which serves beer.

    • http://fairlyoddmedia.com/ Frances Locke

      Ugh. I had a neighbor who was like that. She was always so judgmental and basically told me that I would give my kids autism if I fed them processed food (which I don’t do all that often anyway). This was because I made the apparently dire mistake of making mac and cheese from a box on the day we were moving in, instead of making something from scratch “like a good mom should” (she really said that). Dammit, I was tired. We legit moved because we couldn’t stand our neighbors at that house.

    • Blah

      Anyone who doesn’t love mac & cheese is clearly insane.

    • disqus_RcnfTzAghr

      I have one of those in my mother’s group. I find her hilarious, but I’m pretty good a not taking things to heart.

      Actually she is the all-knowing authority crossed with the super ‘granola’ type, who is always free to give out medical advice, which, as someone with absolutely no medical background whatsoever, she is apparently qualified to give. It’s great listening to her ramble on.

    • Beth

      Oh Jesus… I lived next door to number nine. She very publicly articulated her disdain for me because I used *gasp* day care instead of taking a five year break from something as totally irrelevant as getting my MD to see my daughter safely off to kindergarten, and THEN do the responsible thing and only go to school and work while she was in school… because that’s the only RESPONSIBLE thing for a mother to do.

      I’m sorry, I was foaming at the mouth a little right there… that was embarrassing….

  • G.E. Phillips

    Joan, Don, Stan, Pete, Betty, Roger, Trudy…..Hey, when did Stitch get cast on Mad Men?

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      I thought that was Pete (I hate Pete)

    • chickadee

      No. No Pete-hating, because he is deliciously horrible. Mad Men wouldn’t be the same without him and his rapidly retreating hairline. He is adorbs.

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      In my fantasy Sterling Cooper and partners lineup Pete DIAF ( yeah I said it) and Trudy takes his place.

    • chickadee

      No! I don’t like your fantasy! Mad Men upset me enough when it killed off Lane Price. Pete must LIVE! Live, and triumph over his bad hair.

    • CrazyFor Kate

      I would so watch Mad Men and Stitch.

  • Momma425

    What about the mom who always brings the wine (and drinks her very fair share)? I’m that mom. Because wine makes the world go round. :)

    • http://fairlyoddmedia.com/ Frances Locke

      You are the BEST one. I am this mom too, we should become best friends and drink ALL the wine.

    • Véronique Houde

      I think most mommyish moms would be the wine moms lol.

    • Momma425

      I’ll bring one bottle for me, one for you. :)

    • Ana

      My “mom group” (really just neighborhood ladies, but all are moms) revolves around wine. The best part is that for a few bucks the older kids will keep an eye on the little ones. Cheap babysitting + wine is a win/win.

  • Ann B.

    I’d be the Mother who is A Mess (thank you for the adorable, it makes me feel less like a fool)….but I’m more like the Mother Who is Too Much of a Mess to get to a Mommy Group……

    • quinn

      That’s me too! I keep meaning to get it all together, though! :)))

  • notorious

    I wish I could find a group that was full of adorable messes, secret pot smokers, and the mom-crush types. I keep finding groups full of the competitive know it alls and I have given up. I’ll just stay home with my cat.

    • AP

      I’ve always wanted to be a CSHAM (cat stay-at-home-mom.) Alas, I’m allergic to cats and I don’t have a trust fund.

  • Shelly Lloyd

    I’m the over worked, over stressed mom who ends up doing all the planning for events and shit.

  • http://wtfihaveakid.blogspot.ca/ jendra_berri

    Oh my God, I’ve totally been the mom who talks about her birth! Thankfully I’ve taken matters into my own hands and have complained directly to the hospital. Hopefully with that elephant off my back, I can be a real person again.
    And I’ve met the cool mom a couple times. I wanna be that woman. But alas, I have never been cool.

  • Emil

    I’m definitely the mess (not sure how adorable though). And hey! baby brain is a real thing!

  • AlexMMR

    I’m the mom who’s having Jr. High cafeteria flashbacks and doesn’t want to be the nerd. If I were the nerd, you’d tell me, right? You wouldn’t make fun of me behind my back at the party after the meetings that only the cool moms know about, right?

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      You are in good company. Nerds4evrrrrrr

  • Resi

    Mad Men and Stich? I’m in love with you.

  • Unsanctimommy

    I must confess I am number three…whenever people ask me how I am dealing with all the stress of new motherhood with such calm and optimisim I want to tell them, “Well, I smoke a little pot.” I shudder to think what the sanctimommies would say! And no, I never indulge when around the baby.

  • Simone

    I’m the mother who actually tried to start a conversation with another mother at a playgroup by walking up and saying brightly, ‘God, babies are boring sometimes, aren’t they?’

    No friends were made by me that day.

    • ETOHprn

      LMAO! You TOO???

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  • Kate

    I’m the sarcastic, swearing mom who spends most of the time telling people to quit being so damn neurotic. Basically, I’ve stopped going. I mean, you can only talk about babies so much. I thought mom groups were supposed to be times to let your kids play while you drank coffee (or my God, a martini!) and talked about grown-up things. Like books. Or make-up. Or trashy reality t.v.

  • Artisticallyderanged

    A lot of those moms look like guys. If you’re going to put in a cute little gif to accentuate your point, maybe make sure it actually suits what you’re talking about. Or at least the majority of them (cartoons are okay). Just sayin’

  • ETOHprn

    I think I’m the mom who sucks at everything but really doesn’t care. I don’t need to feel like I’m in a grown up version of “Heathers” or something, and all i want is for my (and others) kids to SHUT UP for five seconds while I figure out what planet I’m on, decide on a six pack for later, and get through the check-out or school drop off without choking most of the moms on this list. I have been referenced by some of the kids in this neighborhood as “The Scary Mom.”
    Damn skippy. Now get off my lawn.

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