• Thu, Aug 1 2013

Anonymous Mom: I’m Polyamorous And My Marriage Is In The Best Place It Has Ever Been

wizardofozsmall Anonymous Mom is a weekly column of motherhood confessions, indiscretions, and parental shortcomings selected by Mommyish editors. Under this unanimous byline, readers can share their own stories, secrets, and moments of weakness with complete anonymity.

We received this submission in response to a previous Anonymous Mom who was attempting a polyamorous marriage

A wonderful sex and love therapist once told me that there is a spectrum of monogamy to polyamory, from the most fidelity driven two-person couples to the individuals so dedicated to multiple partners that their personal lives ring of debauchery. Then there are those of us who fall somewhere in the middle, dedicated and committed yes, but also driven to love more than one.

In what I’d call the middle, somewhere between newly married lovebirds with eyes only for each other and swingers at an orgy, is the idea of ethical non-monogamy or, polyamory. The idea that the human heart is capable of love and devotion to more than one partner. There is not one soulmate who fulfills you so completely that your emotional, physical and all other relationship needs are met, but that meeting all these needs could take more than one person — and that’s OK. In fact, it’s down right beautiful. The cornerstone of this kind of love is communication. Open, honest, and by all means frequent communication, but first, you need to get there.

I was raised in a nuclear family that consisted of my parents, my sister, myself and God. My father liked to post scripture on the fridge and lecture my sister and I about settling down with a good Christian man who could provide for us.  From my teenage days one of my main interest was chasing boys.  I liked men, I still like men. The look of them, the smell of them, the way their shirts button on the opposite side and when they sit down they always look so damn comfortable. Despite my desire to surround myself with the male of the species, my parents’ tutelage stuck in my head: Find a nice man. Settle down.

I also wanted badly to be a mother, perhaps due to natural mothering instinct or to try to be a better one than my own. But the outcome was the same. I needed to get married and have babies.

My husband and I met when we were 18, all naive and young and adorable. We fell in love quickly and married shortly after finishing college. We married under the strict and fast rules of monogamy and the church. Thou shall forsake all others, one woman one man, and so on, but the times would change.

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  • BennyZ

    What “Marriage”? Good luck with those STD’s

    • Allerious

      You do know that the vast majority of STD’s are treatable and curable within a week using modern antibiotics, much like a cold or flu?

    • Aquagirl

      Herpes is not curable, and it’s on the rise.

      Condoms don’t necessarily prevent it, either.

      So yes, good luck with the herp.

  • Chuck Steak

    So, she’s dating a family friend. Meanwhile the husband sits at home and watches the kids. I’ve been there, and the husband has my sympathies.

    • Chuck Steak

      But at least she has her priorities strait.(getting boned)

  • qazxcv

    this WILL surely end in divorce

  • qazxcv

    i get a kick out of you liberal jerks thinking that you are wiser than millenia of human experience that has repeatedly shown monogamous marriage as best for humans

    • Aquagirl

      Wow, what an ignorant comment. I’m a liberal and I don’t condone this crap. 86% of Americans are against this. The majority of Americans are liberals. Do you not realize that that 86% encompasses many self-identified liberals?

      This is about the difference between right and wrong. Any human with a conscience and a gag reflex knows that this is wrong and shares your visceral disgust. Don’t drag politics into this.

    • Kumbayah

      Correction: The majority of Americans are liberals in: Berkeley, Santa Fe, Austin, NYC, Hollywood….. According to the poll numbers I’ve seen (google them), the majority are conservative and the vast majority conservative and middle-of-the-road. Good for you for having a set of moral absolutes…many liberals I know don’t.

    • Aquagirl

      Well, there’s this: http://www.gallup.com/poll/160175/blue-states-outnumber-red-states.aspx

      And then of course there’s the fact that the most populous states (like California) are liberal states, so I don’t think it’s fair to demonize the majority of Americans in that way,

  • People make me laugh

    It is so okay we aren’t telling the kids about it…..enough said

  • Kumbayah

    I felt so sad reading this. I doubt that this will end well. I imagine the children will pay the price in their adult years.

  • Flame

    (Warning: Grammar Nazi Approaching): “lecture my sister and I about settling down” UGH! Really? If you wouldn’t say “dad liked to lecture I” then don’t say “dad liked to lecture my sister and I.” Why won’t anyone say “me” where the word is appropriate?

    Oh, and BTW, no matter how much you try to rationalize it, you took a vow and then you broke it because you felt like it. There’s a reason God ordained things the way He did: because it works out better in the long run. What you are doing is immoral and ultimately will be damaging to your family.

    On the other hand, it’s your business. I won’t interfere other than expressing my opinion that it is a bad idea. I wouldn’t have done that either if you didn’t write an article about it and make way for comments.

    • jaycee1258

      do you feel better about yourself now that you were able to point out someones error?

  • avengetheweak

    The name for this website, “Mommy-ish” is quite appropriate. This is a woman who is “mommy ish” but not a mom. The fact that someday she would willingly introduce her “boyfriend” to her children is narcissistic at best, abhorrent at worst. But, hippies and children of hippies don’t change much in their thinking. A cesspool of justified immoral behavior.

  • T Smith

    The number of references to God are more than overwhelmed by the nasty name-calling in the comments section. How did that bit in the bible go? “Let him who is without sin cast the first stone”? Awful lot of sin-free folks around these parts…

    • Aquagirl

      So you are more concerned about coddling a slut than protecting the wellbeing of children?

      It’s interesting that you’re more concerned about this woman being bullied than what her children will endure when their fellow students find out mommy gets around while married.

    • T Smith

      I hope it feels so good to be right. There’s nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there?

    • Aquagirl

      It’s very easy to be right in this situation. You can do it, too! Simply close your legs and be faithful to your spouse.

    • T Smith

      The only thing that feels better than being right is being judgmental and close-minded. Mmm, can’t you just taste the self-righteousness!

    • Aquagirl

      Seems to me you could stand to develop a little good judgment. I hope you display the same “open-mindedness” about paedophiles expressing their “love” for children. You wouldn’t want to be hypocritical or “judgmental,” now.

    • T Smith

      Wait, no mention of Nazis? I am disappoint.

  • Jason Adams

    No way, man. I wonder if she would feel the same if he was banging some big-booty stripper? Or some other woman who was more sexually appealing than herself? I would have been more convinced of her sincerity if she had said that she openly encouraged him to find another partner as well, or even helped him find one that they can both agree on. If she is doing it, and he is not, then that is call “cuckold”, not polyamory.

  • joe

    what a horrible article. I am saddened by reading it

    • Aquagirl

      Yes, that is the appropriate and normal reaction to vomit-inducing behavior.

  • Daddynate

    I would like to bring a female friend into my wife’s and I life, but she wouldn’t understand and it gets difficult sometimes. I love my wife, everything about her, her only issue is that she is too laid back and her sexual energy is lacking. When I wait a week or two and let her build up, it’s great, but I’m the type of guy who has a huge sexual appetite and can go many times a week with vigor, and she simply can’t handle that, I’m often left wanting more. This also goes for dates, she often falls asleep on movies or in the car after dinner leaving me driving alone listening to music. I just want a friend who’s lively and can pick up that slack for her, hopefully some of that energy gets to my wife and gets her more lively. Problem is she feels I just have too much energy and I don’t need more, this is our largest problem, kids are great, home is great, work is great. I largely disagree and I’m tiring of finishing myself off to the chick on xhamster while she snores after giving me 10 whole minutes of my leg hurts slow easy sex, sometimes I want to BANG, am I wrong for that?

    • jaycee1258

      maybe if you helped her with the kids and house more she might not fall asleep during movies or in the car after dinner. sex begins in the kitchen ya know. men are clueless, incapable of thinking about anyone other than themselves.

  • SLCgal

    And your children don’t think somethings up? Don’t kid yourself lady. Your kids suspect more then you give them credit for, and they’re probably as confused as heck about it.

  • therain

    This is sickening, and anyone who thinks this is okay is a weirdo. Under obama and the libs this kind of junk is “normal”.

    • squiggs

      I guess all the free love in the 60s was Obama’s fault too. You’re a racist idiot.

    • JustWondering

      Racist? Where did that come in?

    • Joe Jumanji

      Typical liberals = blame anything and everything on racism or Global Warming. Morons. LOL

    • RH Negative

      So Polygamous Mormons voted for Obama??

  • Steven Richards

    I knew a poly-chick who believed in this lifestyle – as long as her man was paying the majority of the bills, letting her sleep around, and waiting patiently for his “turn”. But one day he finally met another woman. At first poly-chick claimed that was fine; though her expression said differently. But then he started paying the other woman’s bills instead of poly-chick’s. And then he no longer wanted his “turn”. And then he left poly-chick, married the other woman (who told him in no uncertain terms it was monogamy or nothing), they had kids and lived happily (30 years and still going) ever after. Poly-chick ended up broke, alone, and old.

    • Aquagirl

      Appropriate.

  • Kathleen O’Malley

    From the article, I garner that the author[ess] is in it all for the sex and good looks (and smells…wtf?). Anyway, when–if ever–will you tell the kids that you had another man on the side?

  • imrnlil

    All I read was the title. Polyamorous is a made up high minded sounding word for, “I cheat”. Self centered. Disgusting. I am weary of people making an immoral life sound upright. Try being honest and say instead, “I have found a way to rid myself of the guilt that should accompany adultery and a licentious life.” Give me a break.

    • Amen!

      My thoughts exactly..

    • Amen!

      My thoughts exactly..

  • Concerned for your soul

    This is why this earth is going to face serious judgement from God very soon. God made it quite clear that marriage is between one man and one woman. This alternate lifestyle is part of why the world is falling into sin fast. I have a suggestion. REPENT NOW! Stop your activity and pay attention for what God said a marriage is for! Then God will meet your needs without others!

  • Just-1-Voyce

    Kudos to her parents for teaching her the ways of the Lord. Unfortunately, they needed to explain affairs of the heart. Proverbs 4:23 tells us, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” Paul speaks of the heart in Romans 8:6 “For to be carnally minded is death, but to be spiritually minded is life and peace. Because the carnal mind is enmity against God; for it is not subject to the law of God, nor indeed can be.” God doesn’t want to spoil our fun, He wants us to surrender our hearts to only Him.

    • jaycee1258

      her parents clearly did NOT teach her the “ways of the Lord”. or they did, and she was too daft to get it.

  • Bob Dobalina

    Just keep telling yourself this lady. .. . you are so deceived. .. There is no way an extra-person is going to improve a relationship designed for two. This isn’t Three’s company we are talking about here!

  • Joe Jumanji

    What a classic pathetic example of someone from our “Me” generation. So eager to get what “they” want that they drop all morals from their life. Whenever you read one of these types of anecdotal explanations, I’m always most struck by who insistent the pervert writing it is that “it’s a beautiful thing, man.”

    Newsflash – we had Hippies preaching this same crap years ago, this is nothing new. Furthermore, to this “anonymous” mom, your marriage is in serious trouble regardless of what you think and what’s worse is the fact that you’re setting a terrible, awful example for your kids (but based on your article here, it’s clear you don’t care about them all that much, anyway, and basically seem to consider them more of a chore than anything else – and that’s no real surprise considering your me-me-me personality.

    Pathetic.

  • LapsusAuris

    Wow. This comment thread is…man I don’t know. Terrible…I think “terrible” is the right word. The sheer arrogance (too often compounded/fed by clear ignorance) of people who presume to judge others’ lives is breathtaking. You all should be ashamed of yourselves.

  • Fred

    fetlife.com you wanna learn more, perhaps enjoy more? Understand the article more? here ya go.

    • jaycee1258

      im sorry fred but youd have to be really effing stupid to NOT understand perfectly the article. go peddle your website elsewhere..

  • jaycee1258

    i like how she puts restrictions on him, but not on herself. id give anything to see how this all turns out. it wont last.

    • Polyamorous Mom

      Where do I put restrictions on him and not myself? we have the same exact restrictions for each other if you bothered to look at my other articles

    • jaycee1258

      i wouldnt bother to so much as “look” at your other articles because i like to fill my mind with knowledge….not drivel. good luck sweet cheeks, youre gonna need it! now please, never ever respond to my comments again lest i make a fool of you. in fact, ill just block you. its easier that way.

  • Pdcat

    This poly lifestyle is morally repulsive and it is an excuse to selfishly do what ever they want regardless of how your affecting and confusing your children. This shows you a downward spiral in the morals of society. She was raised in a Godly Christian home and has obviously dropped that like as if it were an inconvenient habit and decided to become a full time whore. Partners will increase and will be men and women and then right into orgies. And all this will be ok cause it’s under the protected word of Poly. Next what other slippery slope in society next bestiality, child love, marrying animals what’s next to slide right down on the moral scale. It’s like so many people like this woman excuse their no morals it’s like what they selfishly want and if you don’t understand it your insensitive not with it. This relationship will hit rock bottom and end in divorce and the kids always suffer for the selfishness of parents and the parents are to narcissistic to care.

    • FreeTexanDude

      In the Old Testament, many key figures had multiple wives with God’s blessing; Solomon had 300! Godcommanded Abraham to take a second wife.

      In the New Testament, Jesus never mentions monogamy, even though polygamy was then a common practice among the Jews. Jesus taught about Love, and made no separate reference to “married love.” He taught about loving everyone, even sinners and foreigners.

      Paul’s only comment about monogamy is that a bishop should have only one wife — because he wouldn’t have enough time with two or more. Polygamy was a part of common Christian practice for hundreds of years, before the civil authorities outlawed it.

  • Jackson Axson

    What a whore this mom is, hope her daughters don’t grow up to be whores like her.

  • Anonymous Dad

    This article has gotten me to share my sexual desires, I love
    my wife, but then sometimes I have these extreme urges that feel
    uncontrollable. It would be nice, if
    every month, just maybe once a month, I could participate in an orgy. But not just any orgy, but a full on gang
    bang where it’s just me and about 23 other Brazilian models, where they would
    all take turns fucking the shit out of me, riding my cock hard … Or would I
    want strippers? Strippers would probably
    be better b/c they’d know how to fuck me right plus they’re trained in the art
    of seduction and I love being seduced, drives me fucken wild. I like playing the game of seduction. Ever since I was a kid I always got a
    titillating sensation when I played this game, whether it was playing house or
    mail man or telephone man. It made me
    feel different from everyone else, it made me feel awkward at first, but I
    didn’t know that was the game I was playing, but now that I’m older I know it
    is the game of seduction, and shit do I love playing it … b/c playing this game
    means I get some pussy, and nothing is sweeter than the joy of getting fresh
    new pussy that you’d never fucked before.

    (My apologies in vulgarity but I wanted to share raw thoughts
    and feelings … I know I’m not the only one out there who thinks such “crazy”
    things)

    If I could get something like this once a month, I think my
    life would feel complete; my most carnal urges would be met. Everything else is my life is good, great
    wife and kids, but this is the missing part and having this, I think, would
    complete my life.

    But as I write this, I’m starting to wonder how my 2 sons and
    daughter would view me? What kind of
    example am I setting for them? How would
    my wife feel about this, would she even be open to something like this? I’m an active citizen of the community and a
    business owner and I’m also a board member of a charity to feed the homeless,
    so you can say I’m well off. But how
    would my constituents view me? Do I want
    them knowing this side of me. I’m an
    active member of the community, I can’t be a bad person right? Of course not.

    The mom who wrote this article is asking to have 1 other
    partner, I’m asking to have mutiple (ok like 20+) but how different am I from the woman on this
    article. An extra marital affair is an
    extra marital affair right?

    Thinking this through further I’m questioning myself about
    this. Why did I get married in the first
    place, if I know all along I wanted to always have sex with other people. I
    mean this marriage doesn’t feel like a mistake, given I feel this way it still
    doesn’t feel like a mistake, I would like to remain married to my wife and
    maintain what I promised my wife and my family.
    Then what is missing, why I do I feel this way? Why do I feel this void?

    I consider myself a humanitarian and one of the great
    humanitarians I look up to is Dr. Martin Luther King. And he has many quotes to choose from but one
    I’m considering now is “The
    ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and
    convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.”

    If I were to use these words as guiding light, does this mean I
    should remain true to my wife and not have these extra marital affairs b/c it’s
    challenging not to have them?

    But then again, in this matter, should I look to Dr. Martin
    Luther King as moral example, he’s admitted to having extra-marital affairs and
    wasn’t very proud of it. A great
    humanitarian as he was, he still considered himself immoral in this area. Or does his words of “ultimate measure…”
    only apply to areas outside non sexual urges that violate marital
    commitment? Are “sexual urges” above the
    truth of these words that I believe in? (Regardless I still look up to him for
    the work that he’s done, so I will still continue to quote him).

    But to continue my rant, Bill Clinton couldn’t control himself,
    Arnold Schwarzenegger, Elliot Spitzer too.
    Respectable men, to an extent, yet having committed the same acts. Are they bad people? I’d say No their not bad people, or at least
    arguably not, they all have fought for something good they believed in.
    Thinking through this I’m only led to believe that we are not perfect to some
    extent, all or most of us are probably born not perfect.

    So going through my struggles with my urges that appear to be
    in conflict with my marriage, I turn back to Martin Luther King, “Faith is
    taking the first step even when you don’t see the whole staircase.” And “our goal is to create a beloved
    community and this will require a qualitative change in our soul…”

    What does a beloved community do for each other and how does
    that relate to marriage? Well I can say
    from experience in my everyday life and in my profession and charitable work
    that a beloved community gives to each other, they are committed to each other,
    they don’t give up one another, and they are interdependent. They spend time thinking about each other and
    not really thinking about themselves.
    These words as I’m typing them still doesn’t sound like I can’t have
    extra-marital affairs with other woman whom I might love (or not love). I suppose it’s up to me on how I want to
    interpret them. I don’t want to judge
    the woman in the article, I actually feel for her in a crazy way given my
    urges.

    I’m still very confused about all of this, marriage is such a
    mystery. One thing I am certain of is
    that I am committed to my wife and family and would want them equally committed
    to me as well. Can I give up my urges
    for them? If I really asked myself I
    would do anything for them, give up my life for them, give love to them even
    when I don’t feel like loving them.
    Perhaps being conscious of this much is a key in understanding what it
    means to be married.

    • Aquagirl

      You should probably be telling all this to a shrink.

    • Uhm…

      Loon, troll loll elsewhere perv (:

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  • Seriously guiz…calm down…

    Wow. The comments are really mean for a site called “mommyish”. I liked your article…I’m glad you and your husband have found something that works for you. :)

  • Woodstockgurl

    Wow, I can’t even read the comments here. So much hatred and spewing of vitriol. Because someone’s lifestyle doesn’t conform to your rigid parameters, they deserve this? Shame on all of you.

  • Yeh… No

    Fuck that shit! Do what you want I guess but don’t pass that to your kids as “normal ” for Christs sake! Sure you can love all kinds of people but love doesnt constitute sex, imagine how fucked up our society would be withthat mind set D: lmao

  • Yeh… No

    Fuck that shit! Do what you want I guess but don’t pass that to your kids as “normal ” for Christs sake! Sure you can love all kinds of people but love doesnt constitute sex, imagine how fucked up our society would be withthat mind set D: lmao

    • Yeh…no

      Just sexin up any and everybody we felt a connection too o.O

  • Yeh… No

    Fuck that shit! Do what you want I guess but don’t pass that to your kids as “normal ” for Christs sake! Sure you can love all kinds of people but love doesnt constitute sex, imagine how fucked up our society would be withthat mind set D: lmao

  • KTG

    After reading all those judgmental trolls I just had to post. It’s refreshing and encouraging to read about your experience, because it’s so close to my own, from the way nonmonogamy has refreshed your marriage to your views on how much kids should know and understand. Thanks for sharing your well-written, non-defensive, drama-free, balanced, (dare I say?) normalized perspective.

  • polywife

    Bravo for being brave enough to put your story out onto the internet to be berated, ridiculed, slandered and just plain insulted!

    My husband and I – after 17 years together – have recently opened our marriage to other people and it’s been such a beautiful new step in our relationship. It’s not always easy – there’s a lot of emotion involved, a lot of adjustment and planning involved to meet everyone’s needs but I completely agree with your point about having new conversation, new topics to excitedly talk about together other than the kids and work. I’ve never felt so close to my husband. Currently we’ve only slept with people together but we are both forging relationships with other people – building close friendships with people who we also happen to be sexually attracted to and plan to act on in the future.

    And for those who want to belittle me as a stupid woman, or my husband as a lying cheater. I am a bisexual woman who has a very specific need to be filled that my husband can’t provide. He’s encouraging me to explore that so I am the one that encouraged him to explore new relationships with other women so he can experience the thrill of knowing others intimately. For me it’s about sex – sex I can only have with women. For him it’s about connecting with women on an emotional level and if that ends with sex then so be it.

    I have three children and I love them all independently, fiercely, uniquely to each of them – my love for each child does not diminish because another came along – it grew the love I have for the family as a whole. I currently only have the one husband but just because I introduce a new person into my life does not mean my love or attraction to him lessens, I find a new space in my heart for the love to expand to accommodate.

    By opening our hearts and offering our bodies to others I have never felt more complete, more honest to myself, more connected with the one I choose to love above all others and share my life with and I get great joy from sharing moments of my life with others in a way that fulfills me.

  • Kayle

    To the author: Please don’t listen to these half-wits. Polyamory is how the human race evolved, and just like how having a man for a breadwinner and the woman a stay at home mom still works for people, polyamory still works for people.

    Fuck people who think things are only ever right when it’s done a certain way. People are way too different to strictly adhere to cookie-cutter lifestyles always and forever. Christianity isn’t right for everyone, and neither is monogamy. If poly works for you and makes you happy, and your partners happy, go for it. They’re your kids, and the opinions of you, their father, and only those you trust should be the ones you listen to.

    I’m sure you, and your family and your relationships will pan out well :)

  • Michael McNew

    Here an anthropologist who has studied polyandry is interviewed: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Hf0OHwEEMU Seems like it works for some.