Bad Mom Advice: Teenage Sleepovers Plus I Love Really Women-Hatey Rap Music

largeWelcome to my weekly Bad Mom Advice column where I attempt to answer all of your parenting questions as only I know how — with zero degree in early childhood development, but with the experience of raising four kids and not having any of them in prison – yet! Plus, I back all my advice on numerous scientific research, which may or may not include me making fun of your dumb kid behind your back and drinking a bunch of wine! Welcome to Bad Mom Advice!

My teenage son wants to spend the night at his girlfriend’s house, he is 15. should I let him? 

Sure. You just tell us where we should send the “Congratulations Grandma!” cards in around ten months. No, I’m joking. I don’t care. Let him sleep over if he wants. Or don’t.

Here’s the deal. This is a very personal decision. It all depends on what your own moral barometer says in regard to this situation. Have you had a talk with your kid about what you expect from him regarding sex and whether or not you want him to be sexually active? If you do decide to let him stay over none of that will matter anyway so you need to make sure he is using protection. Where will they be sleeping? How do her parents feel about this? If these crazy kids wanna bump uglies they will do it regardless of whether or not he sleeps over, they will do it in a box with a fox on a train in a plane all that. By telling him that he can sleep over you are basically telling him you are OK with him being sexually active. And I don’t care. That is YOUR business. Now if he is sleeping over for another reason, they could still end up having sex and you have to realize that. I can only sort of compare this to my own kid, who is 17. His GF is 16 and she lives about 30 minutes from us. I have invited her to stay over so her parents don’t have to pick her up at night, under the understanding she would bunk up with my daughter and my son would sleep in the finished basement. My room is next to my daughter’s so I doubt any wacky late night shenanigans would go down, but this young lady has never stayed over anyway. For me I don’t care who spends the night and I also realize that teens will have sex, I guess for me, my own rules are that contraception is used and I don’t wanna hear about it. So if it ever happens at my house I don’t wanna know. I’m still at the stage where I demand all doors be left open, because as a parent I believe if kids wanna have sex before marriage, they should do it in the woods behind the 7-11 like we used to do in the good ‘ol days.

This next question comes courtesy of Twitter, from my good friend Zach Rosenberg, who you can find along with Bryan Ferguson at their fabulous blog 8BitDad. Which I highly suggest you add to your reading list. 

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At any given time on my Pod playlist, you will find the most misogynistic woman-hatey music you could ever imagine. How do I reconcile the fact I listen to songs like Slob My Knob by Murs with the fact I also consider myself a feminist? I do so, probably pretty lamely. I do that thing where I compartmentalize my feminism and the art I enjoy. I also really dig gallo films from the 1970′s but I am extremely outspoken against violence against women. I love David LaChapelle‘s work. I subscribe to Vogue and yet I’m appalled at the fashion industry’s depiction of women.

Such a contradiction!

Here’s the thing, you can like stuff without agreeing with the message.

You can enjoy art, or movies, or books that are a direct contradiction with your core beliefs. It helps where we are at the (advanced) age where we can analyze and scrutinize and contemplate the media which we consume. I’m lucky because I have a teen who is very into the same music I am and we often discuss the lyrical content and how it relates to  life and our feelings and what is going on in the world today. One thing that always trips me up is that it’s OK if the shizz I like is against what I believe, but if say Maroon 5 or someone were to release a song like “Ain’t No Fun” I’d be all bitching about how terrible it is. Art is so subjective!

So to answer your question, I have no answer. Maybe the readers can answer. I do love talking about stuff like this, but I can’t think of a good reason to give up my N.W.A. even though I know that the majority of rap music is derogatory towards women and these young boys today being exposed to music that is derogatory towards women doesn’t help in creating a world where men grow up to be less derogatory towards women. Rap music, especially the violent misogynistic stuff should really only be sold to old housewives like me who are able to separate the music from the message. besides, do you have any idea how awesome that shit is to clean house to?

Need some Bad Mom Advice? Of course you do!  Hit me up on twitter using the #BadmomAdvice bat signal, email me, or leave me a message here. Also, I will be LIVE TWEETING The Canyons on August Second, that’s Friday, because I’m obnoxious and I’m totally psyched about it. Maybe I can make Koa Beck live tweet it with me. But you guys totally should. It will be like family movie night, except for watching a Brett Easton Ellis movie starring Lindsay Lohan

 

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    • Fabel

      I also love woman-hatey rap, & I think this sums it up: “You can enjoy art, or movies, or books that are a direct contradiction
      with your core beliefs. It helps where we are at the (advanced) age
      where we can analyze and scrutinize and contemplate the media which we
      consume”

      • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

        I think a lot of us moms do, why?

      • Paul White

        I find it becoming less true for me. I can appreciate well done but morally repugnant things on a technical level (seriously, Hitler was a masterful orator), but I don’t *enjoy* it in a recreational sense. It’s like I can listen to Marshall Mathers and appreciate his usage of the language and rhythm, but it isn’t much fun because I strongly disagree with most of what he rapped.

      • ElleJai

        I’ve found that I can usually locate a couple of songs that are on way better topics by my favourite artists than “bitches and hoes”.

        I also bear in mind that MM himself says (I’m paraphrasing) “We get paid to write this, to put this image out there and we all know it’s not true, just pretend. If your kid can’t differentiate, don’t let them listen. My kids aren’t allowed to listen to my music because they’re KIDS. Parent responsibly.”

        Ok, I may have both paraphrased (and added that last bit in) but with my aspiring rapper friends, my favourite track of theirs had one of them claiming to carry a GAT. I called him up and fell about laughing, but when I calmed down I asked why he’d say that when I know he has no such thing. Apparently that’s the whole point of the genre, to promote this image and come-at-me attitude. Which as a shy, fat, lonely teenage girl I needed that boost. I don’t mind being a “bitch” so long as they realise they’re just dogs. If they wanna be men then I’m a lady. Equality is a beautiful thing.

    • GoMetro

      Women-hatey? Can you just please try to use actual words sometimes? Thanks

      • yup

        If you don’t like it, you don’t have to read it.

      • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

        This reader is overall Eve-Hatey

      • LiteBrite

        Eve-Hatey is not a word! Stop using non-words!

    • yup

      Love the advice in the first one. Except it was the field just beyond the new highway. ;) Haha. It’s true. Kids are going to have sex whether you want them to or not.
      My husband and I got caught by his parents when we were first dating. Boy, was that awkward – We had their complete trust until that moment and after that, we had to leave the door WIDE open. It lasted about 6 months, but one night we were watching movies in his room and his mom came in to talk to us, it wasn’t anything major, I think she had made some cookies and when she left, she closed the door. I remember looking at my husband but I can’t remember what he said. Her message was clear – Don’t have sex when we know about it, we trust you not to screw up again. And we didn’t. I never got pregnant, and we got married a few years later after we were both done university.

    • riverdog

      My husband and I started watching Orange is the New Black on your recommendation, and we are now obsessed. THIS IS YOUR FAULT.

      I realize this has little to do with this post. Sorry, I guess.

      • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

        I am ALWAYS looking for an excuse to talk about OITNB. Who is your have? also, I did NOT realize this until I was halfway into it, but Tayrn Manning is in it and she ALWAYS plays the crazy girl

      • riverdog

        I can’t decide yet! So many crazies!! But also so poignant. I do kind of like that one girl whose name escapes me with the poofy blonde-ish hair who had been in solitary confinement for a while.

      • riverdog

        Wait. I think that might be Taryn Manning. Ahhhh!!!

      • LiteBrite

        Personally I like Red. She was picked on and mocked in the non-prison world, and now in prison she’s like the head badass and will totally starve you if you insult her food.

        I also like Pennsyltucky because she’s bat-shit crazy.

        You just reminded DH and I need to finish watching the last six episodes. We need to get on that. TONIGHT.

      • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

        I love Red so much and crazy eyes ! I really love the show so much, so many amazing characters

      • Helen Hyde

        OMG me too.

    • Loops UK

      I LOVE your bad Mom advice. I am also a ‘Bad Mum’ (UK) and a single parent. My attitude to parenting is better the less you know. I’ve had ‘the talks with my Son (16) and also his girlfriend. Is that overstepping parental boundary? Who cares? When my Son told me she had to go get morning after pill I figured I did a good job that he could talk to me, bad job that he hadn’t heeded my condom talk, and open ground to discuss it with both of them – and you know what? Yes, the sex is going on, but I have a brilliant open relationship with them both now, where I can chuck a few sexual insults their way and they laugh at me. But I know they listened to me and I like to think they can both approach me when things go tits-up

      • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

        This is so awesome plus, can we say tits up for the rest of the week as many times as possible?

      • AStewart

        As a fellow Brit, I promise to say it as often as I can for you, Eve.
        Good attitude, mum! :)

    • Simone

      Mmm. I can’t listen to the music I used to love any more, I can’t separate the words and the message from the awesome beat and music. No more NWA, Public Enemy, Bloodhound Gang, Ice-T, and about a million other musos for me. The lyrics just make me wince and I don’t really understand a society where art can be made that centres around treating women like absolute crap.

    • http://www.8bitdad.com Zach Rosenberg

      As always, thanks for the shout-out! I’m more popular on mom websites than dad sites. Maybe it’s because my avatar makes it look like I’m coming out of a giant neon vagina. Also, I’ve got coffee.

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