8 Reasons You Totally Need A Mess Of ‘Mom Friends’

3eb787a0e10499d1c0553913938a5d3bYesterday Koa gave you eight reasons to NOT seek out mom friends. Koa makes the very valid point that moms should :

not seek out friends with kids at all. Just seek out friends (some of whom may happen to have kids)

And although I love my childfree friends a ton I am still a lot more comfy with my friends who have kids. We live in the same ‘hood, meaning we all congregate in the same universe that involves orthodontia bills and Monster High dolls and knowing when toilet paper is on sale at Walgreens and dealing with kids who are dealing with giving our dogs bright blue manicures. I’m a big fan of mom friends. I have a ton of mom friends, because I include not only the mom friends I see in person but all of YOU mom people out there reading who know exactly what I’m talking about when I talk about what it’s like being a mom. Or dad. Parents are my people. And I have a mess of reasons why you should totally find moms to be friends with.

1. They Leave You Mascara On Your Doorstep For No Reason 

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(Image: Pinterest)

One of my very best mommy friends did this to me, just because she purchased a new mascara and when she was raving about it on the phone I mentioned I needed to try it. After we hung up about an hour later she texted me to look on my doorstep and voila, she had bought me her beloved mascara brand for my very own. Sure, a single friend could have done this, but this mom did this because she knew I had been bitching about washing all the bedding in the house and only people who have additional beds for small people who live with them realize what a total pain in the ass this is.

2. Your Kid Will Never Have a Bigger Advocate Than Your Mommy Friend 

shutterstock_108751790(Image: Johan Larson/shutterstock)

Did you kid get bullied by another kid? Treated unfairly by a cranky teacher? Hell hath no fury like a mom who also likes your kid. I can’t even count how many times I have called up a mom friend to bitch about something bad that has happened to one of my kids and had her totally commiserate with me. Sometimes you don’t want the voice of reason. Sometimes you don’t want someone to play “devil’s advocate.” Sometimes you just want to hear another voice say “Seriously? Fuck them.” and other moms are champs at doing this.

3. They Treat The Flu Like The Utter Shitstorm Tragedy It Is  

When you are sick and you have little kids and no family close by, if you tell your mom friend you are sick she will do so much stuff for you. Your kids will disappear for a playdate. You will be left with matzo ball soup and a stack of crappy women’s interest magazines. She will call you hours later and say “The kids are busy playing, why don’t they just stay here for the night?” Other moms KNOW how much being a mom who gets really sick sucks. Even moreso than your spouse.  Mom cannot get sick. We are not allowed. But when you are puking your guts out and running a fever than no one will spring into action faster than another mom you are friends with.

 4. They Do Not Judge You For Raging About Whatever Stupid Thing Your Partner Has Done

shutterstock_82879183(Photo:  Paul Vasarhelyi/shutterstock)

I believe that things in a marriage should mostly stay within that marriage, and you don’t need to go spouting off your deep darks to everyone and their dog. But when your partner does something really lame like brings you home vanilla ice cream when they KNOW you really wanted coffee ice cream with the chocolate covered espresso beans, or when they forget to fill up the gas tank, or leave their socks on the floor (And it should be noted, my brilliant husband never does these things, but he DOES magically leave his empty coffee cups in odd places, LIKE THE GARAGE) it helps when you have a mom friend to rage for five minutes because she knows you are just venting and also, her husband leaves the toilet seat up.

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    • alice

      sidebar: im going nuts trying to identify what the first pic is from. help please!

      • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

        I linked from Pinterest. It looks almost retro but then I think it may be Miu Miu. But we all need cool sunglasses and orange lipstick

    • LadyClodia

      I need more real life, local mom friends, or really just friends in general. I’m mom friends with our neighbor, and that’s great, but besides my mom, she’s the only one I do anything with here. I’m not good at making friends face to face, but I’m great at making friends online (hell, I met my hubby online.) I even do activities with the boys where there are other moms around, I just don’t know how to make friends with them. I also realize how lame this is.

      • Ptownsteveschick

        I moved outta town, so I can’t even be lame mom friends with my mom anymore. I take my kid to swim twice a week, and I am slowly trying to embed myself into conversations and become friendly. But if they knew how I do a little fist pump and say “yes, conversation!” when I get to the car, they probably would never talk to me again. I hate friend dating.

      • LadyClodia

        We moved here because this is where my mom lives now, and it’s not where I grew up, but it seems like most people here assume I’m from here since my mom lives here too.
        I take my boys to gym classes, but the other parents are notoriously non-social unless they already know the other parents, or they’re doing work while their kids are in class.
        My 4 year old goes to preschool during the school year, and some of those parents are nice. It’s a Catholic preschool, though, and I’m an atheist (although I don’t broadcast it,) so I’m a bit worried about what they’d say if they found out. I don’t want my son to get kicked out because of me, and I’d like our younger son to go there too in a couple of years.
        But yeah I hate friend dating too.

      • ranicox

        How sad is it when we have to talk about mom dating. The world is crazy

      • Ceri Howell

        love it! Fist pump “yes, conversation!”. I find my self going over the conversation, did I talk to much, will they like me please like me?

      • Christa @ MomMeetMom.com

        Check out Mom Meet Mom – me and two of my mom friends made it because we had the exact same problem.

        (Hope the self shout out is okay by Eve! Love this post!)

      • TinaBina

        Thank you for suggesting that site! I have had luck on Meetup making some mom friends, but many I click with live over an hour away. I hope I have some luck on there!

    • dc

      This is SO lame. Is that you people tell yourselves? I’ve done plenty for my mom friends, picked their kids up from school (2 years on a regular basis), have been called to relieve a nanny when my mom friend got mugged, have asked to do the shopping when another couldn’t get out of the house and GUESS what? I was able to do all these things and more because I was single and had the time to devote to my friends when their other play date moms were nowhere to be found. This article is just crap and all I can do is laugh at the ridiculousness of it, LOL!

      • Cee

        Well aren’t you a precious unique snowflake!

      • Ranicox

        Nasty piece you are. We’re all coping how best we can.

      • ghcgf

        No, she isn’t ‘a precious, unique snowflake’; she’s just a good friend who has a little more time to spare. There are plenty of other childless people who are willing to help out their friends with kids, but I wouldn’t expect you to realise this (you probably either chase them away with your smug ‘I’m superior to you’ attitude, or won’t ‘condescend’ to even give them a chance in the first place. I would love to help out my best friend more with her lovely little boy, but she lives on the opposite side of the country. It’s natural for people to want to bond with others in similar circumstances, but it sounds like you want to use motherhood as an excuse to form an elitist and exclusive little in-crowd. Your comment implies that non parents can’t possibly be as nice or understanding as parents, whilst conversely demonstrating your own lack of niceness and understanding towards others (or maybe you only reserve your unpleasantness for non mothers?) I’m so glad that none of my friends with kids share your smug, stuck up, ignorant and prejudiced attitudes. Does it feel good putting other people down who don’t / can’t have kids? You’re not superior, love; you’re just very lucky to be able to have children.

      • spunkysmum

        I wouldn’t go so far as to blanketly dismiss the entire piece as crap but you bring up some good points. Extraordinary thoughtfulness and willingness to help a friend out of a bind are certainly not traits that moms have a corner on. Also you’re right that moms naturally tend to be more self-absorbed (their kids being an extension of themselves) with less attention left over for being sensitive and perceptive to unspoken needs of others, and less time and freedom to act on such perceptions when they do pick up on them. And come on, it does not take a mom to buy a friend a tube of mascara “just because.”

      • Mar51

        MOMS are self-absorbed?

      • Professional Aunt

        Ignore any stupid comments. Your health depends on it!

      • spunkysmum

        I’ll try.

      • spunkysmum

        Quite often, yes.

      • Cassandra Ann

        Exactly this!

      • Diana Dee

        It is important to have friends that will support one another. Having mom friends with kids that same age is golden. Works best for raising kids (IMO). You are a rare childless friend that is comfortable with kids. For the most part single friends might volunteer to do the occasional baby-sitting when the kids are really young, but picking up from school, etc. is hard to come by. I know because I’ve been there and talked to other moms.

    • Christa @ MomMeetMom.com

      SO true! Mom friends are awesome because they know what it’s like.. what you’re going through. Being a mom is sometimes weird and crazy and gross, and usually it’s only other moms who get it!

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    • Caitlin Fisch

      I totally hear this! I love your list and agree. I just published a post about what to look for in mom friends, you might like it! Check it out at http://www.huffingtonpost.com/caitlin-fisch/mom-friendships_b_3792181.html

    • Ranicox

      Sigh. I think you need to get a job so your brain is engaged with something else. I feel sorry for you

      • http://www.suburbansnapshots.com Suburban Snapshots

        I think the tone here is one of contentment and gratefulness, no one here needs your pity. It’s unfortunate you are not fulfilled enough to be happy enough in your own skin and refrain from this kind of judgement on others.

      • Chantel

        i work 50 hours a week and i KNOW my mom friends are a lot more awesome to hang with than my childless friends.

    • http://www.suburbansnapshots.com Suburban Snapshots

      We started kindergarten here this week on Tuesday. On Wednesday, a mom friend picked my daughter up from school when my boss called a last-minute meeting. On Thursday, another mom friend babysat so both my husband and I could go to the school open house. On Friday, yet another mom friend brought my daughter to school because I had a morning appointment. Mom friends are true friends, no diggity, no doubt.

      • katydid13

        Except you don’t have to be a mom to do things. Good friends do those things.

    • martman

      This is stupid. I know I’m not a woman, but I still feel like it’s completely fair for me to say it’s stupid. Friends are friends… we should be glad for any good friends we come by in life and not worry about he category they fit into.

      • Chantel

        having friends with common interest is best right? well when your a mom who devotes 80% of your day to a toddler and the main thing you want to talk about it is your toddler it helps when your friends have had or have a toddler. It’s basic. I love my childless friends but as they become pregnant we become closer because we now have that much more in common.

      • Leslie Harrington

        Agree. I’m a mom, and yet, I can relate to my childless best friend better than any other parent I’ve spent time with. Although, that may have more to do with the fact that she has always been the responsible one, and I am just starting to catch up! : )

      • Professional Aunt

        You then get to be a Professional Uncle that brings the kids home hopped up on sugar and filthy but happy. I promise you, parents appreciate it. They won’t tell you right away but they appreciate it and there is no such thing as too many people to love a child.
        Please disregard any hateful comments. Love every child that you have the opportunity to love. They will carry the memories and love you forever. The grateful parents will also love you forever.

    • RobinFarr

      Totally. I love my non-mom friends but I don’t think I could survive without my mom friends. And I mean that in the most non-melodramatic way possible.

    • Truebluematch.com

      You hit on so many points of why we need our mom friends. I know I would not still be a sane mom without the support and true understanding of friends who are right in the same boat! I created a website to help parents find those all-important friends: http://www.truebluematch.com I’d love for you to check it out!

    • http://conversationswithmymother.com/ Molly Skyar

      Having Mom friends is invaluable! We’re all in the same boat, and no one understands the frustrations of raising toddlers like another Mom. I think my friends without kids get bored hearing about the kids and what can be the daily grind. We had a reader ask Dr. Rutherford (a Clinical Psychologist) about this very topic http://ConversationsWithMyMother.com/how-to-parent-during-the-terrible-twos/ and the she totally agrees with Eve about her comfort level with other Moms. Having good friends with women who are not Moms is great, too, but there are just some things you don’t have to explain to a mom-friend.

      • Guest

        You “think” but don’t ask? I never get sick of any topic any of my friends wants to talk about, it’s part of being a friend. Don’t look for reasons to push non-moms out of life. :(

    • alix4015

      I just had my first baby. Eve thank you for this! Hilarious, and also a reminder that “mom friends” does not need to mean “mom-jean-wearing, shocked-at-cussing, friends-you-put-up-with” type people. I’m cheered and off my little just-used-to-be-childless high horse {:-)

    • spunkysmum

      I’m sure there are things that were left out that could have been included but that’s bound to happen when you’re making a list of ‘X number of reasons for Y’, and you can’t leave an article on hold indefinitely waiting for all the possible angles to occur to you.

      That said I figured going into reading this that it was a given that a main good motivation for cultivating lots of connections with other moms would be simple consideration for your single or married-but-childless friends. It would provide you with a forum and an outlet for all your kid-talk so that hopefully you would find it easier to control the urge to monopolize conversations with your other friends with monologues about your mini-me. (Kind of the way arguing politics with strangers on the internet helped me not need to argue them with extended family and co-workers.)

      There are a few reasons this could be a good thing. If you have friends who want children but don’t or can’t have them for one reason or another, it could be difficult for them to listen to you ramble on about yours after a point.

      For the rest of us, frequent and/or lengthy recitations of frankly mostly stunningly ordinary childhood accomplishments are something you can handle just so much of(I remember one instance, and I kid you not, when a lady at work told me about how her husband had asked their great-grandson what sound the pig makes, and the little Einstein said – are you ready for this? – he said, and I quote…. “Oink.” True story. Really.)

      For me personally trying to appear more interested in what somebody’s saying than I actually am is a tiring experience, what with the fear they’ll see through me and it’ll hurt their feelings and feeling like a bad person myself for not being more interested, and the effort of trying to stay awake. I wouldn’t even want to hazard a guess how many times I have looked through a stack of pictures and lingered on each one for thirty seconds longer than I actually needed to so I wouldn’t appear inadequately interested.

      And that’s just the boring kid stories and stacks of pictures of basically the same thing in slightly different settings or with slightly different outfits and head tilts. I haven’t even brought up the matter of the free and open discussions of childbirth and fertility and other associated subjects that are not appropriate for discussion, say, in the church potluck buffet line or over lunch in a restaurant, but somehow managed to get discussed in such settings anyway. These are the types of conversations that you should probably confine to groups of other mommies – and only other mommies. This weak-tummied non-mummy does not ever again need or want to hear the phrase “fertile Myrtle” while contemplating the menu in a fine dining establishment.

      Social situations like these are like the one remaining parallel parking space in front of the store I’m planning to stop into. I will park 3 blocks away and walk to avoid the hassle of maneuvering it.

      So, yeah. One really good reason for mommies to have other mommy friends is so you can talk with them at length about the stuff the rest of us don’t really need to hear but mommies apparently have to talk to SOMEBODY about.

      • Rachel

        I’m a disinterested mom-friend myself (had mine early and now much older than children born to those new moms my age). I’d love to say exactly this. And add, they are not another limb.

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    • Naughty Nanny

      I’m a huge friend of my Mommy friends. I couldn’t do what I do, (I’m a nanny and a Mom) without the support of a few great Moms. Mostly, I need my friends for sanity checks. I always feel better knowing that I am not the only one who looks at her kids and like they are crazy drunk people who are not to be reasoned with. Here’s my own rant about needing Mommy friends. http://wp.me/p2kXG6-gg

    • Daniela

      The mom sorority that is going on in my town is enough to make a person crazy

    • mollycruz

      Do this: Find four friends with children around the age of yours. Each take a day to be available all day for drop in, including for all day. Kids have a fresh new mommy to wear out, a new venue to explore, different styles of discipline and food; and nobody pays a cent!!This lasted two full years for me, took the place of preschool with many added perks, not the least of which was a comfy, familiar group of five, rather than a sea of strangers in a noisy boring environment; plus of course it was free. Four kid – free days for each mom, time to shop, gym, have alone time at home with new infant. KIds bonded beautifully, and one guy who worked full time paid one needy mom to do his day. Try it.

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    • Brandy

      This article is a total load of crap. Sounds like a cliquey and lame outlook towards your single friends, who of course are quite capable of thoughtfulness and understanding, but aren’t given the chance to show that when you mainly focus on your mom friends. Stereotypical BS.

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    • tm

      Put down the apostrophes. Please. They don’t make nouns plural. Ever.

    • Cassi

      I have to say that I am not sure “mom friends” do all of that for other moms. I do not have children yet, but all of my friends do, and you can ask any of them, and they will say that I do so many more things for them since I am the only one who makes the time. Heck, I help my best friend out more than her mom does, and she lives like a mile away! I think it truly depends on how willing a person is, and how giving they are. I think it’s awesome that the author has great mom friends, but it’s most definitely not the case with women around here!

    • liviaellis

      Interesting – I’m a mother. I tried to fit in with the “mommy” groups. I couldn’t do it. It was just too much like high-school all over again. There was even one woman who tried to socially demolish me because I wasn’t sufficiently obsequious when trying to find my place in the group. My bad I didn’t realize she was the unofficial head of the club and I needed to pay my dues before full admittance. Not my thing at all. But then I’ve never been much of a conformist and I don’t define myself by my children. Interesting thing, now that some time has past I’ve become friends with some of the women in the group in different capacities. They’re much more interesting when not in mommy mode.

      • Leslie Harrington

        I couldn’t fit in with the “mommy” groups either. I pulled my toddler out of his group class because I couldn’t figure out which one of us was more miserable! : )

    • katydid13

      I don’t even know how I ended up clicking on this, I suspect you don’t think anyone without kids can be a good friend because you’ve driven them all away with you attitude.

      I’m sure it would be hard to be a mom with no mom friends because in many ways no one else entirely gets it. And that’s a good enough reason to have other mom friends. But that and hand me downs are the only things you mentioned are things that you can only get from mom friends.

    • SeanP

      Try being a stay at home Dad. Almost impossible to make mom friends. Sure, there are a few who don’t balk at seeing a dad take his kids around. Most of the time though it is looks of hostility, fear, confusion, and more.

    • Dtruthhurtz

      1. mascara really? 2.Usually their kid bullying your kid. 3.Mom friend disappears at this point because she doesn’t want the flu. 4. Women judge each other all the time. What they where how their hair is and so on. I got an idea stop portraying men as stupid. I hate that shit. 5. soccer moms only. 6. More backstabbing lies 7. Hand me downs here my kid won’t where this because it is shit ugly. 8. Poor mistreated woman.

    • Professional Aunt

      And some single ones to remind you that crazy can be fun. They also take your kids when you’re on the verge of killing them. They may come home naked or smelling like a French you-know-what, but they’ll be happy. Single friends may have to run them to the ER but they will love them as much as you do. And, if they don’t love them, get rid of them!

    • Jessica

      I know that this is just a collection of her experiences with Mom Friends, but please don’t take this as a reason to push non-mothers out of your life. I was childfree up until quite recently, and trust me, it’s confusing and it hurts. If your friends are truly good friends, they will love being aunties and buying your kids great presents because they have the money, and taking them to the park all day because they have the time, and hearing cute stories about them because they don’t have kids of their own so everything is new and adorable. Don’t assume that they won’t be interested in you or your child just because they don’t have one of their own. There are benefits to having all sorts of friends, so I’ll have to be on board with the first article and not this one.

    • Kaytee

      I don’t know… These types of moms seem the superficial “I love shopping!” type. Where are the ones that go “Let’s dump the kids to grandma and have a video game or tv show marathon?” Where are the ones that bring you a bouquet of kittens when you feel sad?
      I swear if I’m left with a “woman’s interest” magazine when I’m sick I’ll get into a coma and never wake up from this nightmare! :P
      Basically, it may be easy for “I fit in, I’m trendy and I watch Sex in the City, and I’m such a big book nerd because I read 50 shades of grey (or whatever it’s called)” with other moms like that, but it’s really not easy when your average conversation does not revolve about who does your nails (trust me, I was stuck with such women at my husband’s X-mas party). So why not make an article on how to find such moms? Or how to befriend and find different types of moms based on what you like in a friend and human being? That’d be useful!

    • Zach Svoboda
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    • Diana Dee

      I have both childless friends and those with children. Each brings something to the table. I enjoyed hanging out with my single friends as a break from the kid & family, but my fellow moms have been my bedrock. When my son started kindergarten I connected with other moms. It’s amazing how those friendships have stayed strong through divorces, holidays, deaths, disease, rehab, breakups, birthdays, proms, graduations, etc. We have raised our children together. Now as those kids are finishing up their freshman year in college we are still supporting one another. Be it sharing where to find the best deal on extra-long twin bed sheets, FAFSA due dates, picking up from the airport, mediating between adult child & parent, etc. We are there for each other. Facing the future together as friends and surrogate extended family. It’s funny how our adult children introduce us as ‘aunts’ to their friends. We have earned those titles.

    • Joella

      I can say for sure other mothers can be the worst friends. I have
      witnessed the demise of two friends who have kids more than once.

      There is fierce competition on who is the better mom and who has the brightest, cutest, happiest kids.
      Oh they won’t tell you.. but they will tell the gal without kids.

      Sure
      they hang out and chatter politely, but you might be surprised on what
      they are really thinking. . There is so much back stabbing.., “Ashley is
      a brat, , Jordan is not that smart. The slim mom is showing off her
      post baby body,
      Halley is going to a “good” school and so on.

      The childfree one in the group is the one who hears it all.

      And
      because she has no horse in the race she thinks all the kids are fine
      in their own way and she sure doesn’t judge your parenting like your mom
      pal.

      Been there often so I had to speak up.

    • Turtle Poser

      I tend the lean on the side of not seeking out “mommy” friends. I avoided mom-oriented groups when my daughter was little. I had friends who were mothers with children the same age, but that’s not why I was friends with them.

      Most women beyond a certain age will be mothers, so the only commonality is the fact that you’ve given birth. While I suppose it’s a good idea to be with women who have children the same age, it doesn’t mean that you have the same ideas about child-rearing not to mention everything else. There is very little that’s unique in childhood despite how precious we think our little Jacobs and Emmas are and I find the topic pretty boring.

      I’ve found the best child-rearing advice to come from people with grown children and non-parents – folks who no longer or have never sought approval on their parenting techniques. The people I knew who were in “mommy” groups complained about one-upping and faddiism.

      Besides, child-rearing isn’t rocket science, it’s mostly paying attention and adapting to situations as they arise.

    • Anonymous

      I’m a childfree woman who supports her friends who have kids, but a lot of childfree women see kids as a burden & drop their friends once they have a baby. I think the key is to have *real* friends. They’ll help you out, mom or not.

    • Vasectomy Solution

      What about adopting or not having children so that we continue to have an earth that will support life? There will be enough children born of women who don’t have access to contraception to carry on our species.

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