I’m A Sweaty, Sweaty Mom

sweaty momBeing a mom six months in, I’ve learned a few things: like how to change an exceptionally loaded diaper without getting anything stained (or any on me) or how to breastfeed in public (although I still don’t have the guts to just whip it out like in those Luvs commercials). I’ve deciphered my baby’s cries and even jumped in and miraculously saved an entire bus load of people from an infant’s meltdown with the touch of a finger on my iPhone. I got this!

I’ve read and I’ve blogged and I’ve taken notes with some of the best. But nowhere did anyone at any time warn me of one of the more embarrassing factors of new motherhood: the excessive sweating.

My sister and I, having popped out our little cry babies within weeks of each other this past winter, did our best to keep one another occupied by entertaining and annoying Starbucks patrons or the requisite malls (even the ones completely out of our way) with our motley crew. The packing, the loading in, the unloading, the changing, feeding and soothing; we did it all with pride. Hell, we were new moms! Nothing could get us down.

Except for my sweaty ass.

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God I hate going out. I still don’t know if it’s hormones or just the exertion necessary to gather a newborn’s entourage (my own purse doesn’t have that much shit in it!), then get her out of the house and push her around in a 50-pound stroller that causes me to break out into full on wet-sauna-worthy drips, but it’s nasty. I’d love to be able to not look like I haven’t showered in over a week thanks to my over-active sweat glands while I attempt to find a comfortable and cute summer dress. I could totally do without the stringy hair or the mascara stains under my eyes, the dewy glow and the jeans sticking to my ass as soon I leave the house even though I’m freshly showered, not to mention my new exceptionally sweat-prone three-pencil boobs.

You know about pencil-boobs, right? When I was a young teenager — a loooooong time ago — before we knew about cup sizes, we used to compare our boobs by how many pencils we could shove under them. I used to be a zero… up until this winter. Now I’m a three. WTF.

For a short minute I was all happy about the fact that, hey, winter is over! No more layers to trap that ridiculous heat! Your skin can breeeaaathe! Yeah. Sure. Until the weather kicks up again and now sweat is a permanent fixture in my wardrobe. There’s nothing quite like cuddling up to your little heater at 30C+ weather (or 90F+, if you rather) and trying to breastfeed her. Sometimes I wonder if she’s actually getting milk and not just salty water.

That tube of lip gloss I used to carry in each purse has been replaced with a stick of deodorant. I actually have become ghetto enough to carry a do-rag with me (or should I try being classy and call it a kerchief?) to wipe my face and pits, and the Chinese hand-held fan is a fixture in my purse. Yes, I’ve become THAT Mom.

This is a reader submission. 

(photo: DWaschnig / Shutterstock)

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    • Jamie

      Amen sister….thanks for this. I don’t feel like I am the only giant sweaty mom beast out there. Nothing worse then being hot and dripping sweat, while then holding a squirming and also hot child.

      • ChillMama

        I thought is was just me! Honestly, it is like I just came out of the shower….minues that “just came out of a shower” feeling. Ugh!

      • ChillMama

        Oops. And that was supposed to be “minus” :(

      • http://www.whatwouldshethink.com/ Rachelle

        I so feel you! I’m about to go buy a baby pool and figure out a way to just do everything from there. Or live in the shower. But that would make breastfeeding… a challenge.

      • Véronique Houde

        I’ll lend you Jonathan’s fan-hat. lol

      • http://www.whatwouldshethink.com/ Rachelle

        PICTURE OR IT DOESN’T EXIST!

      • Véronique Houde

        you totally want to wear this sexy hat. note that it has a solar panel on the top. very eco-friendly.

      • http://www.whatwouldshethink.com/ Rachelle

        oh. my. god.

      • Véronique Houde

        you want it? I’ll sell it to you cheap. Give me 500$ for it and guaranteed sweat-proofiness!! Special price, just for you !

      • http://www.whatwouldshethink.com/ Rachelle

        Why don’t I trade you the Champlain Bridge for it. Great deal, super cheap.

      • http://www.whatwouldshethink.com/ Rachelle

        AMEN FOR SWEATY MOM BEASTS!!!!!

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      Shut up Rachelle you are still amazingly adorable sweaty or not. DO NOT MAKE ME POST VIDEO PROOF OF THIS. and I loved this article, and I adore you. so nyah

      • http://www.whatwouldshethink.com/ Rachelle

        Oh man, now it’s being used as a weapon against me! I WILL INVOKE STAND YOUR GROUND! (…too soon?)

      • http://www.whatwouldshethink.com/ Rachelle

        Someone felt the urge to repost it?… I felt that deleting it was the right thing to do. Thanks for nothing, “Guest”.

      • Véronique Houde

        I don’t think anyone reposted it… The system does that when you delete something – it just keeps it and puts it under the name guest

      • http://www.whatwouldshethink.com/ Rachelle

        Well that’s interesting.

      • dcford

        Yes. definitely. get a sense of humor.

      • http://www.whatwouldshethink.com/ Rachelle

        I judge my own previous comment completely inappropriate. I will simply say, I love you too. And thanks xx

    • That_Darn_Kat

      Thank you! I’ve always been prone to sweating, and something about my hormone levels post baby (and with my birth control) just up it. Oh, and we’re in Phx, AZ, where it spends 3 months over 100 degrees, usually sitting around 110. Yeah, not fun. I feel ya!

      • http://www.whatwouldshethink.com/ Rachelle

        ohmyfrigginhell!!! We’re in the midst of a week-long heatwave here and I’ve been trying to do all my running around with the little one in the early mornings to minimize the sticky pants/tops/underboob stains, but I COULDN’T IMAGINE LIVING WHERE YOU ARE!!!!!! Hang in there!!!

      • That_Darn_Kat

        There is more than one reason we are up at 4:30 am and at the grocery store by 5:30 (if we have to be). Fan, dark shades, and the ac are our friends.
        Also, I LOVED your piece! Amazeballs.

      • http://www.whatwouldshethink.com/ Rachelle

        Wait, your grocery store is open at 5:30? Lazy-ass-Loblaws! Ours opens at 8! :(

        Thanks for the compliment :)

      • That_Darn_Kat

        It has a coffee shop in it, so they tend to open earlier. We’ve also got a couple of 24 hours places (besides Walmart) if people really want to beat the heat, I’m just too tired to shop at midnight, lol.

    • Guest

      I am a sweaty-non mom. This is another thing I fear about getting pregnant, will it get worse?

      • http://www.whatwouldshethink.com/ Rachelle

        Everyone is different, so maybe yes, maybe no. But do, do, do invest in those cheap little chinese fans. Very worth it!

      • Guest

        Oh I have… You mean the electric ones right? so awesome

      • http://www.whatwouldshethink.com/ Rachelle

        No, but those are cool too. I meant the ones that fold up, old school style.

      • Nicole

        I was a sweaty non-mom. In high school I would actually bring two shirts to school and change mid-day. I could sweat through a hooded sweatshirt. Even if the rest of my body was fine, my pits were working hard. No amount of roll-on, spray on, on at night, on in morning could help. After baby #1, gone. All gone. It is like the baby tilted my internal thermometer back to normal. Maybe even over the other side. Sweating just never happened. And BO was gone as well. Baby #2 seems to have pushed the internal temp to “normal” sweat is there, but deodorant actually does the job.

    • Ptownsteveschick

      I was also super sweaty after my daughter was born, on into the winter. The over sweating finally quit, but I still have to wear the extra super strength deodorant which I never did before. Just another reason why I am glad she is such a cool kid, it makes all the body ruining she did worth it.

    • http://www.whatwouldshethink.com/ Rachelle

      BTW, I don’t know who picks the animated GIFs for the pieces, but Ho Lee Fuk I love it!

      • Koa_Beck

        Kiss kiss

      • Shelly Lloyd

        I agree. “I’m sweating like a sinner in church” is going to be my new favorite line.

      • http://www.facebook.com/valerisexton.jones Valeri Jones

        I know a few dandies:

        “Sweating like whore in church.”
        “…like a pregnant nun.”

        “It’s hotter than two mice fucking in a wool sock.” (WHERE did that come from?! I have no idea.)

      • http://www.facebook.com/sandyrgcain Sandy Cain

        I find that comment quite offensive. Everyone knows that mice only fuck in cotton socks.

      • http://www.facebook.com/valerisexton.jones Valeri Jones

        I am sadly out of the loop of mice fucking. :(

    • confused

      I can’t buy enough Gold Bond body spray to keep myself dry. And Texas humidity and heat does not help.

      • http://www.whatwouldshethink.com/ Rachelle

        Gold Bond Body Spray, hunh. To Amazon I go!

      • confused

        Between dry shampoo and Gold Bond body spray, I may never have to shower again!

      • http://www.whatwouldshethink.com/ Rachelle

        OMG I LOVE MY DRY SHAMPOO! Which one do you use? I have been using Schwarzkopf Osis, but I also like the Klorane one.

      • confused

        I picked it up at a CVS and it’s been awesome. Salon Grafix invisible. The “invisible” part is key I think. I have tried others but if I don’t shake them well enough, I am a sweaty AND frosty, grey-haired lady. Not good. I have not heard of your first one but the Klorane looks awesome! New product to try. Thanks!

    • SDA

      UGH. I was just commenting to a coworker (whom I’m sure loved the discussion of my bodily functions) that I was tired of being such a hot sweaty mess. I have like three shirts I will even considering wearing right now. Not only do I hate walking around with wet pits, the staining of the shirts is getting to me too, I can’t buy new clothes all the time!!

      Can’t wait for the weekend. I’ll sit by the pool and feel normal sweating.

      Oh, and I have a very sweaty baby. I hate to break the news to her that it’s only going to get worse! ;)

    • TngldBlue

      My sweatyness actually got better after having the chicklet. I no longer had to do the discrete check before deciding on upper hug or lower hug. The price? I now have hair sprouting in places where hair doesn’t belong. My eyebrows are slowly becoming one and the seem to be expanding upwards. I pluck one and three more grow. WTF.

    • koolchicken

      I knew it wasn’t just me. I was saying to my husband just the other day I feel like our son broke my internal thermostat. I used to be perpetually cold (even though I live in Hawaii) now I’m always hot. I was up all night because its a million degrees here- or at least I feel like it is. I’m hoping I go back to normal soon because nursing my little space heater is getting ridiculous. Poor little guy, he’s usually soaked in sweat (both of ours I think) by the end of each meal.

    • E

      Nobody told me about all this either and I felt like a disgusting sweaty dairy cow for months. Especially those first weeks. I was either leaking milk and/ or sweating profusely and slept with towels over the fitted sheet and my pillow. Thankfully it all gets better over time. (And now I’m pregnant with #2. Here we go again! lol)

    • MoD

      I’m totally intrigued by this pencil boob thing. So you put pencils under your boobs and see how many will stay there?

      • http://www.whatwouldshethink.com/ Rachelle

        Bingo. Completely unscientific.

    • M917anchu

      I definitely still have this problem and the twins are now 18 months old. Upper lip sweat is the grossest part. Also, I use the Batiste Dry Shampoo. Cheapest when bought off Amazon and works really well. May check out the Gold Bond stuff.