• Wed, Jul 17 2013

10 Things A Pregnant Woman Needs Right Now So Stop Being A Jerk And Give Them To Her

ffab198335535e29b0f7f477e9f94f9eThe other day I got the SADDEST COMMENT EVER™ from one of our lovely readers who said she was pregnant and hot and tired and hungry and she asked that I make her snacks. To me there is NOTHING sadder than a pregnant, hot, tired hungry lady. What the hell is wrong in this world if some of you ladies are pregnant and hot and tired and hungry? This should not happen. It made me start thinking about all the pregnant ladies who need things RIGHT NOW and no one is giving these things to these ladies and what is wrong with you people? Being pregnant is hard! Especially being pregnant in the summer months! The heat makes you extra cranky and extra tired, it’s too hot to cook, you are GROWING ANOTHER HUMAN WITH FINGERNAILS inside of you and even though pregnancy is natural and beautiful and tra la la let’s all run through fields of wildflowers and marvel at the wonder of life growing inside of your belly NO fuck that, it’s too hot to frolic. But come on and get the pregnant ladies what they need. I know pregnancy is not a handicap but on occasion it can feel like you have been pregnant FOREVER and compound this with other pregnancy related issues like water retention and swollen feet and all the aches and pains that come with GROWING ANOTHER HUMAN INSIDE OF YOU WITH EYEBALLS and it’s easy to understand why we need to give these women a break.

A Pregnant Woman Needs A Delicious Beverage

 

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(Image: Pinterest)

I don’t care if you get her a glass of water or a damn 7-11 Slurpee but I can promise you this pregnant lady is THIRSTY and you need to offer her a refreshing beverage. Even better, make her a salted caramel milkshake.

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(Image: Pinterest)

And you can find a recipe here.

A Pregnant Woman Needs A Relaxing Bath 

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(Image: Pinterest)

Yes, I know, not all of us have gorgeous bathrooms like the one shown above. A lot of us have BATHTUB GUYS  and ugly bathrooms (Mine is like a horror movie. It has a super narrow tub and carpeting) but clean up the bathroom, get thee to a discount store and buy that pregnant lady a bath sheet (It should be a sheet, because that pregnant lady is HUGE and she doesn’t need your stupid standard sized bath towel), some scented candles and some nice bath soaps and gels. Pregnant women can soak in a moderately temperature-d bath, and it will make her feel better so run her a damn bath already.

A Pregnant Woman Needs To Be In A Dark Room With Air Conditioning Binge Watching Orange Is The New Black 

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(Image: Netflix)

if you guys aren’t letting pregnant ladies watch Orange Is The New Black, the new Netflix series about a lovely Wasp-y blond lady who reads DWELL magazine and makes artisanal soaps until she turns herself in for a crime she committed ten years ago, then that is terribly unkind to do to pregnant ladies. I LOVE this show. I have a handful of episodes left and it’s the perfect show to binge watch because you cannot wait to see what happens next. Plus, it takes place in a prison with a whole mess of fascinating characters and some of them are pregnant. 

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  • msenesac

    As a 7 month pregnant woman, I would be in HEAVEN if this wish list was granted! Thank you for allowing me to dream for a minute.

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      I would do ANY of these things for you. we need like a gang of people going around and doing junk for pregnant woman on occasion.

    • msenesac

      Thanks! I would totally volunteer for future pregnant woman. I already make huge meals to bring over once friends have babies. I should be thankful that it’s not nearly as hot this summer as it was last summer.

    • lea

      This also-7-month pregnant woman wholeheartedly agrees!

  • sonjahadad

    Aw Eve…this is nicer than a pregnant lady with her feet propped on a fan in August, which is where I was back when I was pg many moons ago. Thank you from one goddess to another.

  • Karen

    I am due in less than 1 month with Baby 2, and I wholeheartedly endorse this list. Except when it’s food or drink, it can’t be just ANY food or drink. It has to be the incredibly specific thing I am craving right now, which may be entirely different from the incredibly specific thing I was craving yesterday. And I don’t want to hear “hon, a cheeseburger isn’t the healthiest option — maybe I could make you a salad instead?” This baby needs iron, darnit! :)

  • Courtney

    Love this list!

  • KB

    This almost-8-months-pregnant woman wants to add to this list: keep your effing mouth SHUT about a pregnant lady’s belly size. Comments like, “Jesus, are you having twins?” and “Oh my god! Shouldn’t you be at the hospital?!” are RUDE and unnecessary. I’m growing a person here, and it’s kind of hard work, so say something nice or don’t say a damn thing.

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      I am going to do a second list and I am so stealing this <3

    • msenesac

      This is so absolutely true!! My 8 month pregnant friend is getting this ALL the time!!!

    • KB

      People (both strangers & family members) have said some of the rudest shit to me. Um, if you wouldn’t say it to a not-pregnant lady why the EFF is it okay to say to a pregnant lady? Do you not know how much my hormones are RAGING and how much self-control it takes to not punch you in your fugly fat-shaming face?!

      Sorry, I’ve been holding this in for months. End rant.

    • msenesac

      Totally agree. How about the a-holes who come up and touch the belly? WTF! I had one idiot coworker do it for my last pregnancy and that an idiot receptionist do it for this one. WHY would you do that?

    • KB

      I know right! WTF happened to my personal space?!

    • msenesac

      I knew someone who still looked pregnant 6 months after having her child. And an older guy walked up to her on the street and touched her belly and asked when she was due. If I remember correctly, she touched his stomach and asked when HE was due. And then walked away.

    • KB

      That is brilliant!

    • http://fairlyoddmedia.com/ Frances Locke

      I know, right? I hated that shit when I was pregnant and it annoys me so much I want to come to your town and punch some fat-shamers for you (while you watch, drinking a nice, cold beverage, obviously).

    • KB

      Sounds lovely <3

    • MoD

      So I had a completely opposite experience. I went to get a haircut when I was 39 and 1/2 weeks pregnant. I was hugely huge, of course. I’m a mostly average sized person un-pregnant, I’m about a size 12 or 14, but as I approached birth I had so much water retention that I’d gained about 70 pounds (40 of which I lost by two weeks after birthing!). So I was feeling very fat and bloated on top of the huge belly.

      So the girl who is cutting my hair is asking about me, and asks if I have any kids.

      “Well, just the one I’m pregnant with.”

      “Oh, you’re pregnant? I didn’t notice. Congratulations.”

      And I think she genuinely hadn’t noticed. Which only made me think she thought I was a huge, fat, waddling woman with three chins and a ginormous overhanging gut.

      Seriously. I don’t know what it was about my pregnant physique, but nobody ever commented on my belly. Not a single stranger walked up to me and touched it. Strangers didn’t congratulate me. Apparently, I just looked like I was really fat and it made me sad and I feel like I missed out.

    • geckomommy

      That is so sad. I’m sorry, hun! I’m the same pre-preggo size as you, and to be honest, that was a huge fear of mine going in, that my “showing” would be perceived as me just getting fat. I was so happy when a woman I didn’t know at a wedding was the first person to ask me when I was due. I’m sure you were lovely, and judging by your avatar, your kiddo is a cutie, too!

    • MoD

      Awww, thanks! I guess the size thing is a blessing and a curse. No random creepers touching me but no random nice people congratulating me. Ha!

    • geckomommy

      Yes!!! Since around 7 months I’ve been getting the same thing! I think people must just forget what pregnant women really look like? I had a cashier at Kroger ask me when I was due, then say, “is it twins?” then, “it’s a boy, then, right?” then, “is it your first?”, as if somehow trying to explain how gargantuan I looked to her. Then I came in two weeks later and had the EXACT SAME CONVERSATION with her, answering, “No, just one. Nope, it’s a girl. And yes, it’s my first.” I’m 36 weeks now and it’s only getting worse. :-(

    • KB

      I totally feel your pain. People are so irritating! As if we don’t have enough to deal with….sweltering heat, swollen EVERYTHING, perpetually-expanding belly. Ugh. Good luck with your last few weeks <3

    • geckomommy

      Thanks! <3 You too!

  • Kaer

    I am due on Sunday (yup. Sigh.) and this list makes me happy. My husband does his best, but sadly he has to work his stinky “job” so that we have “money” so I’m home alone with 2 kids most of the time. Urgh.

    • kitten

      ah, I have had two while pregnant with a third, if i were near by and not at my stinky job i’d come do these things for you out of comiseration!

  • commonsenseisnomore

    this made my day. Im 37 weeks pregnant with my second child and having the roughest most painful pregnancy ever. My first born is almost three so the terrible twos are runnning rampant and my husband does his best to help but helping with him the most, but there are so many times i find myself just wishing someone would bring me some water or rub my back…well hips since walking has even being a painful task.. so kudos to the writer for shedding some attention on what we need cause having a baby is hard enough let alone my second august baby

  • ChillMama

    I love this list! Where was it last year during the hottest summer ever on record for my city(seriously) when I was waaaay overdue, sitting in the only dark, tiny air-conditioned room in the house, and generally throwing myself a lonely little pity-party? ;)

    To you ladies hanging in there: I would totally bring you the most scrumptious ice-creamy drink of your choice every day if I could!

  • Cee

    I am not pregnant, but I want most these things….

  • Allyson_et_al

    I once had a young, able-bodied man PUSH PAST ME to take the last subway seat when I was about eight months pregnant. I stood right over him and said, loud enough for everyone to hear “You’re kidding me, right?” He was totally shamed into letting me sit down. I think it was the highlight of my pregnancy.

  • Betina Wynne Fuentes

    Oh Eve, so wonderful! I am 5 and a half months pregnant and I binge watched Orange is the New Black last week when I was up for 18 hours straight with horrible heartburn! And Tampa is soooooo messed up – it’s on my birthday list for two weeks from now! Doesn’t help that I’m an eighth-grade English teacher from the suburbs of Tampa… Fabulous list!

  • http://www.facebook.com/valerisexton.jones Valeri Jones

    I’m only TWO MONTHS pregnant right now and I could go for everything on this list every single day.

    My husband was so sweet and helpful when I was pregnant with our first. He put my shoes and socks on every day when I got too big to see my feet. He ran and got me whatever it was I was craving, even if it was with our last dollar and it meant a 3 am run to Taco Bell when we lived 30 minutes away. This time? Not so much. Thankfully, though, we do live closer to Taco Bell now, so I just get it myself on the way home from work and throw it in the fridge because I KNOW I will want it. But now what I hear when I’m hovering over the toilet for my morning vomit-session is, “Honey, when you get done, can you throw my laundry in the dryer?” Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!?!?!

    • lea

      Lol. That sucks!

      My husband came home the other day with one of those pregnancy pillow things “because I know you’ve been having trouble getting to sleep at night”.

      Sweet right?

      Until he followed it up with “its keeping me awake and I’m exhausted”.

    • http://www.facebook.com/valerisexton.jones Valeri Jones

      I know, right? Men think they have it rough…. They would die if they had to spend just one day in our swollen feet!

      I didn’t realize until I just reread this that I made my husband sound like the biggest jerk ever. And he’s totally not. But I think everybody [around here? in my family? I don't know] has this mind set that I was only fragile when I was pregnant with my first. Apparently, I’m a pro at this pregnancy thing now and I should just be able to deal with it all while working full time (which I didn’t do while pregnant with my first) and chasing after a toddler, all with a smile on my face.

      I don’t remember being this kind of a raging bitch when I was pregnant with my son. I remember crying, like, during the entire first 13 weeks, and THEN I started with the glowy, happy all the time thing. Now I’m just full of rage all the time. And that glow? It’s sweat, because it’s 100 degrees outside and I’m nauseous all the time. People suck.

    • MommyK

      Yes, what is it with the difference in treatment between first and second pregnancies?!? My husband is the same way. When I was pregnant with our first child, he would bring me home a mud pie from the restaurant when he went out with his friends, or surprise me with mint chocolate chip ice cream when he went to the store for groceries. Now that I’m pregnant with my second, it’s, “Boy, you’re sure plowing through those PopTarts, huh?” ….If looks could kill….

    • http://www.facebook.com/valerisexton.jones Valeri Jones

      I seriously don’t get it! My mom is kinda the same way as my husband. When I would visit her when pregnant with my first, she was always aflutter around me and asking if I wanted anything special to eat or if I needed a nap or whatever. Nowadays it’s, “Oh you’re tired [after working 8.5 hours today and chasing a toddler]? Quit being such a wimp.”

      My husband is getting better. I’ve been showing him some videos of early fetal development and some online forum posts of how other women experience early pregnancy, and I think he’s finally realized a little bit of what I’m going through.

      Yes, my house looks like shit. I’M TIRED! Yes, I have eaten absolutely nothing besides chicken broccoli egg noodles for a week now. IT’S ALL I WANT! Yes, I am going to bed at 7:30. I’M TIRED!!! Did I mention that I. AM. TIRED?!?!

  • http://fairlyoddmedia.com/ Frances Locke

    Is it bad that I’m not pregnant (thankfully) and I STILL really need these things? It’s hot, dammit, and central air in NYC is a luxury I cannot afford (what am I, a Rockefeller?) and I REALLY need a 7-11 mango slushie RiteNowKThanxBAi!

  • CB

    Testify! As a woman who is 7 months along in the middle of the awful Texas summer, I LOVE and agree with every word. :)

    • geckomommy

      Me too! Due in 4 weeks. I haven’t seen my ankle bones in at least a month, and I’m down to only 2 pairs of flip flops that fit. Whenever I would tell people my due date, they would look at me so sympathetically and say, “oh, a summer pregnancy in Texas!” Almost there…

    • Justme

      Get in the pool!

  • CC

    I’m going to add this one to the list – A pregnant woman needs you to let her cut in front in the bathroom line. I always let a visibly pregnant woman go before me in a bathroom or porta potty line and will frequently suggest that other people do the same. Been there, done that and I know how it feels.

  • geckomommy

    Eve, I sent this to my husband. This was the day after I was shamed just a little for getting a little more ice cream after I’d already had a serving. He comes with me to all my appointments, and even though my midwife says I’m doing just fine, he’s been a little judgy about the 30 pounds of weight gain so far – I’m 36 weeks (8 months-ish).

    I highlighted the “A Pregnant Woman Needs Something Amazing to Eat” section by pasting it directly into the email with the link.

    He sent back, “Notes taken. I can make this happen.”

    Thank you in advance. Will report back. :-)

  • Blahblah

    Eve. Eve. I sent this to the Fiance. I said this was the only way to make me fully happy. I think I managed to convince him to make me some supper (mmm, mushrooms!). <3 <3 <3 for you, Eve!

    Also, baths are amazing, I have learned. We have no A/C so I take a cool bath and lay in front of the fan.

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  • elzorro945

    “And now that this list is done I totally realize this is not just for
    pregnant woman, and all of us could probably use one of these things.
    What are you waiting for? Make me some damn spring rolls!” Ladies, it is so very simple.. stop acting like men and you will be treated like ladies.