You’re getting on in that third trimester and have been getting scores of completely unsolicited advice regarding your birthing plan. But your next mommy milestone says so much more about you than your stretch marks or your maternity wardrobe. Don’t you know that your every baby shower detail absolutely screams what kind of person you are? Everything right down to the icing details, ladies.
If you have uniformly cutesy cupcakes with baby paraphernalia in them
You’re crazy. Or you have a very good local bakery that you were happy to support. Or you have very devoted friends who painstakingly baked all of these goodies and sat there adding each little pacifier who said, “when I have a baby, SHE better sit here and painstakingly add pacifiers to MY baby shower cupcakes.” Either that or they hired that local bakery. Either way, you have devoted friends or support local commerce. Or you’re crazy and did this yourself and are super proud. Everyone wins.
(photo: cbishop66 )
If you have super matchy coordinated table and place settings
You spend an epic amount of time on Pinterest and you refuse to apologize for it. If you whipped this together yourself, you’ll smile coyly as your guests salivate over these DIY napkin rings or the fact that the place mats just happen to match the centerpiece in that oh so casual way. If your BFF is catching naps over on the fluffy gifts table, you most likely enlisted her help in all that frantic pinning, perhaps even calling her at two in the morning to talk about how EPIC pink lemonade in baby bottles would be.
If you have perfectly themed cookies/cakes
You outsourced this baby shower business like the smart (and privileged) lady you are. Are you going to spend your last month and a half of pregnancy sweating over coordinated pastries and flowers frozen into ice cubes? NO. You want a fun little gathering and a mountain of presents just as much as the next mommy. What you don’t give a damn about is having a glossy-magazine-spread-worthy event in which your guests quietly mouth to one another, “WHO IS SHE?”
(photo: Cookie Cornucopia)
If you have mini babies floating in your beverages
You recognize good kitsch when you see it and what’s a good baby shower without some kitschy crap? Other accouterments may include, but not be limited to, pacifiers floating in the punch, babies carved in watermelon fruit displays, and tacky ass stork centerpieces. You don’t take this baby shower seriously and you don’t expect anyone else to either. May I pour you some more baby floaty Pellegrino, lady with a baby doll necklace?
If you have a BIG gender reveal cake in front of everybody
Everyone hates you. Basically.
If you make your guests do stupid games
Don’t people know that this is all about you? This party is about YOU, and YOUR baby, and whatever YOU want to do. Your day, your week, your month, your party, your baby shower. If people don’t like it, they can leave. More Snickers smeared into a baby diaper for you. No baby shower favors for them (which is a pity because you went to all the trouble of making this).