If you’re new to the whole “I’m having a baby!” thing, also known as the early forays into parenting, heed this warning: there is a lot of stuff you don’t need. A lot of stuff that you don’t need that salespeople will swear up and down that you do need. A lot of stuff that is being advertised to you because you’re a naive pregger/adoptive parent and all of sudden you’re nodding up and down about oh yes, maybe you do need a baby wipe warmer.
If you’ve been Pinterest-ing away your baby shower hopefuls, make sure to omit this nonsense from your list.
1. Moses basket
We’ve been here before and chances are we will again. With even our lovely Kate Middleton drinking from the moses kool aide, it’s apparent that new mommies are being shilled this storage unit/cat bed that will hold your baby for about a day or two. Rent for adorable baby pics. Don’t even bother buying.
(photo: Whiskas® Cat Network)
Your baby won’t be mobile for awhile. And when he or she is, a playpen is going to do just about as much as you saying, “no no no no, stay there baby!” You’re better off funneling that money into some toys that will make the other end of the room less interesting. And a stellar crib.
3. Baby wipe warmer
Even if you do think that your baby is the equivalent to the royal baby and you’re waiting breathlessly to name him or her the royal baby name, this gift is not for you. How much you want to bet that these pre-warmed wipes go cold the second you remove them for your baby’s bottom? I’ll bet you your whole baby registry (no moses baskets please).
4. “Odor proof protection” wipes
Guess what? Babies stink. Furthermore, their diapers stink and so does generally everything that comes out of them. Trying to cover up your baby’s poo stink is the equivalent to spraying perfume over your cat’s vomit. It’s not effective, and a lot of times just makes the smell worse.
5. Anything for your baby that is white
Sure, it’s so cute and it has a matchy what’s it and you can just envision your unborn falling asleep under those little ruffles while you you dash off poems over tea. Or something. But take a good look at this getup while it’s in the box because that it is the last time it will ever look like that. And trust me, you don’t want to spend those first three months adding “must get baby onesie dry cleaned” to your quickly mounting to-do list while you have a new baby in the house. This also goes for blankets, pillows, and toys. Quit while you’re ahead/ don’t own any baby whites.
6. That stupid cashmere thingy that costs over four hundred dollars
Please, don’t do this to your friends, relatives, and even SIL who you’re on frenemy terms with and would perhaps actually buy this for you. This doesn’t serve anyone except Barney’s who has the gall to charge $434 for a “cashmere jogging set” for 6-month-olds. You know, for all the jogging they do.
7. Gucci jackets that cost over three hundred dollars
Is your newborn BFFs with Quinoa? Do they walk misty beaches together? Does your kid walk at all? Probably not considering that you can get this waterproof Gucci jacket for the three to six months age bracket for a cool $335.
8. Weird sexualizing bathing suits
Your baby girl just got here, but don’t you dare waste a second waiting to tell her — and everyone around her — that her undeveloped baby boobs are what needs to be emphasized. Only three months old? Not too early at all, says Juicy Couture!
9. Baby wraps
If you’ve already mastered the teddy bear tutorial, then by all means. But for those of us who are less Moby proficient, just no, no, no. You do not need this added stress in your life. Get an Ergo and call it a day.
10. Designer diaper bag
Ladies, resist the purse lust that rages deep within you. If you want to get a random cheap diaper bag that you will use for a couple of years, that works. But a designer diaper bag you do not need* (but you can totally want one). Most of the mommies I have had the pleasure of knowing use designer tote bags (or non-designer tote bags) for those first few years of life and then just reuse, reuse, reuse. A designer diaper bag is all the investment of a designer handbag with only about a three year timeline.
*Granted, if your kid is special needs or you plan on having a soccer team of kids, a totally legit want as you’ll use it more.