You would be shocked at the number of people who find Mommyish by Googling “How To Be A MILF” or “Tips For Being A MILF” or with just the keyword MILF. Either Mommyish has a reputation for being where the MILFS are or women are super desperate for pro-tips on becoming a MILF. If you don’t know what a MILF is (and some women don’t, my own mother had to ask me and that was rather awkward) you can Google that shit and then come back after you know what it means. I’m a total MILF, you can even ask my husband, because he finds me the most desirable woman ever, so I think I’m an expert on this topic. And because I’m also super nice, I will share with you all of my tips on how to be a MILF right here.

How To Be A MILF Tip One: Have A Clean Bathroom 

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Personal hygiene is your first step for to be a MILF. Nothing says “I’m a MILF” more than having brushed teeth and taking a bath. This can be hard to do when you have a young baby, so I suggest investing in a bouncy seat or portable swing you can haul into the bathroom with you when you shower or bathe. if you just plop your infant down on your bath rug you will be all nervous, and if you wait to bathe while baby naps then baby will magically sense this and before you can even get your water to bath temperature baby will start screaming like it is being strangled by a venetian blind cord and you will have to run into the nursery wearing only a threadbare towel that possibly has bleach spots on it from also being used to clean your bathroom with Clorox bathroom cleaner.

And if you don’t have a clean bathroom you probably won’t be too psyched about using it to bathe or shower so also, have a clean bathroom. You also need a bucket. Actually, yes, your first step to becoming a MILF means buying a bucket because children between the ages of two and 10 have GUYS in the bathroom. These can be Barbie guys or rubber ducky guys or action figure guys and nothing will ruin your bathing experience more than sitting on a He-Man head, so grab a bucket and put all the guys taking up valuable edge of bathtub real estate into the bucket and take a nice warm bathtub guy-less bath or shower. You can purchase a bucket at Target or any dollar store.

How To Be A MILF Tip Two: Have Delicious Snacks

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(Photo: Aaron Amat/shutterstock)

When you think about all of the people you know who you enjoy spending time with, I bet they all offer you delicious snacks and beverages when you are with them. If you are wondering how to be a MILF than a very important step in this process is always having delicious food products on hand. This can be anything from macaroons from Ladurée to Frito corn chips with french onion dip (But get all fancy and make it all homemade with the soup packets and sour cream) to buckets of candy. Disclaimer! Do NOT use the same bathtub bucket where your bathtub guys live! Get a different bucket. The second step on how to be a MILF may involve purchasing an additional bucket where you put bags of Twizzlers and Pop Rocks. If you want to be really fancy you can use bowls instead of a bucket. The trick is always being gracious and offering people snack food and delicious items when they are with you because if you do this, people will LIKE to be with you and you have a greater chance of becoming a MILF if people want to F you to begin with. Delicious snack products can help you attain this!

How To Be A MILF Tip Three: Wear Makeup Or Don’t Wear Any At All! 

You can either wear a mess of makeup including fake eyelashes and eyelash extensions and four coats of mascara and lip liner and lip plumper and lip gloss and lipstick or don’t wear any makeup at all. But you should always wear sunscreen. Or just wear some makeup. Or wear ALL the makeup. If people like you because you are clean and you have brushed teeth and you have also offered them delicious snacks they will F you whether or not you have on makeup. FACT. So you can wear makeup. Or not.

How To Be A MILF Tip Four: Clean The Cat Puke Off Your Bed 

If you are wondering how to be a MILF one of the most important things you can do is make sure you have no cat or dog or child puke on your bed. Because I’m a pet-owner and animal lover and I also have children (Hence the MILF), all of the above named creatures have vomited on my bed at one time or another. You can either use a washing machine to clean your sheets or else, sure, use a bucket (but not the bath guy bucket or the candy bucket, a totally different bucket) but just make sure you have NO vomit on your sheets because no one will want to F you in your bed unless that mess is cleaned up.

This step in how to be a MILF is TOTALLY up to you because maybe you don’t F in your bed, maybe you want to F in your kitchen or in your garage or in your laundry room or on the floor, but be careful because at one time or another one of my pets or children have also vomited on my floor. But this is another fact, no one wants to F you where vomit is so you can’t be a MILF if vomit is around. 

How To Be A MILF Tip Five: Return Your Library Books Or DVDs On Time 

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Reading books and watching good movies are both great tips on how to be a MILF, but nothing will make you wanna F less than worrying you are accruing gigantic library overdue fees or that you have forgotten to return DVDs on time, so either return these items on time or have the person you want to F return these for you. If you are well-read and you enjoy discussing movies then the person you want to F will be happy to discuss literature and plot twists with you, and people usually want to F people they enjoy talking to. But when you are all stressed because you may be getting late fees there is a chance you won’t be in the mood to F.

Always have a place by your front door where you keep items that need to be returned, like a basket or bucket, BUT PLEASE DO NOT use the same bucket you use for cleaning your cat puke sheets or the one with the candy in it or the one with the bath tub guys, use a totally different bucket. Or just have the person you F drop them off for you, either way, you cannot be a MILF if you are worried shit is overdue.

 How To Be A MILF Tip Six: Do Not Want To Have Sex With Jerks 

When deciding you want to learn how to be a MILF, a good question to have in mind is who exactly you want to be a MILF for. If you have a partner who already made you a Mom then chances are you want to be a MILF for them. That’s great. If you liked them enough to let them put a baby inside you or adopt a baby or become a parent with you, then hopefully they are an all-around decent person who you want to F. Hurray.

If you are single and you want to learn how to be a MILF in order to attract people, a good rule of thumb is not to F assholes. Assholes are people who are abusive or cruel or who glare at dogs you see walking down the street or who yell at waitresses and waiters and who ignore your kids when they hand them the toy telephone or who tell you that you’d be a lot prettier if you just lost 10 pounds.

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You deserve to F someone who is kind and decent and charming and who makes you happy. No one should ever physically or emotionally hurt you, berate you, or make you feel bad. A very important top in how to be a MILF is not to want to F assholes. You deserve better.

How To Be A MILF Tip Seven: Have People Help You  

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(Photo:   Elzbieta Sekowska/shutterstock)

It’s hard to be a MILF or want to learn how to be a MILF when you are busy being the only person who mops the floors or changes the cat litter, so have the person you want to F do their share of the cleaning and straightening up. When you are the only person doing housework and folding laundry you tend to become exhausted and it’s hard to want to F when you are falling asleep during True Blood. All the sexiest people who F a lot have people who they are F-ing helping them around the house. F someone who understands that you are a human with your own needs and these needs include not being the only person who gets on their hands and knees and scrubs the floor behind the oven. FACT.

 How To Be A MILF Tip Eight: Go On A Diet Or Don’t Go On A Diet At All

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(Photo: runzelkorn/shutterstock)

Check with your doctor and make sure you are in good health, but a great tip for how to be a MILF is to either lose weight or don’t. MILFs can be any shape or size and it doesn’t matter. You can be a size zero MILF or a size 34 MILF. Any woman at any size can be a MILF, as long as you adhere to How To Be A MILF Rule Six as seen above. No matter how much you weigh, there is someone out there who wants to F you, whether it is your partner or not. Eat what you want, exercise as much and how you want, and as long as your doctor says you don’t have health problems you can weigh whatever you want. Keep in mind, some doctors are assholes who will make you feel bad regardless of how much or how little you weigh, so another excellent tip on how to be a MILF is to find a primary care physician who is honest with you and not an asshole.

How To Be A MILF Tip Nine: Have Someone Else Watch Your Kids On Occasion 

In order to be a MILF you need to get away from your kids on occasion. Yes, I know all your kids and babies are totally adorable and you hate being away from them but you need to. You need alone time, you need adult conversation time, you need activities that stimulate you. On occasion you need to hire someone or ask someone else to spend time with your children – away from you. How to be a MILF means that you have at least part of your identity separate from your children, and you do grown up things your children are not involved in, on occasion. Join a book club, climb a mountain, get drunk at a dive bar (but please call a taxi to bring you home) or learn to pole dance. Join a coupon clipping club. Go get your hair did. Volunteer somewhere.

How To Be A MILF Tip 10: Learn To Love Yourself, Or Like Yourself, Or At the Very Least- Tolerate Yourself 

You have probably figured out by now I’m not going to give you some magical how to be a MILF formula. There isn’t one. I’m not going to tell you how many squats to do or how many calories to eat or where to buy a garter belt and pencil skirt or how to give your partner the best oral sex of their lives. Sure, all that shit is fine and dandy but the point is, you really don’t need to do any of it. Or do all of it, but none of it will matter if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror and think of five things you like about yourself. And I promise you this, there are. And I’m looking at you, mom with four kids sitting there with a pile of laundry and a pile of bills and a coffee-stained T-shirt on. And I’m looking at you, new mom with a baby who finally fell asleep after crying for 30 minutes straight who is asking herself “What the fuck have I gotten myself into?” You are all so much hotter than you know.

Demand you get time alone to bathe yourself. Eat food that you love that makes you feel good. Get enough sleep. Follow all the rules above. You are sexy and smart and strong and capable and you have a really beautiful heart. Your laugh is gorgeous and your hair looks pretty even though you fastened it with a bread twistie tie you found on the floor while you were mopping. You are all MILFs. I’d F any of you.

Now go and buy a bucket. Or five.

(photo:No known copyright restrictionsStudio10Artur/shutterstock)