• Mon, Jul 15 2013

Mommyish Guide: How To Be A MILF

You would be shocked at the number of people who find Mommyish by Googling “How To Be A MILF” or “Tips For Being A MILF” or with just the keyword MILF. Either Mommyish has a reputation for being where the MILFS are or women are super desperate for pro-tips on becoming a MILF. If you don’t know what a MILF is (and some women don’t, my own mother had to ask me and that was rather awkward) you can Google that shit and then come back after you know what it means. I’m a total MILF, you can even ask my husband, because he finds me the most desirable woman ever, so I think I’m an expert on this topic. And because I’m also super nice, I will share with you all of my tips on how to be a MILF right here.

How To Be A MILF Tip One: Have A Clean Bathroom 

Screen Shot 2013-07-15 at 6.40.54 AM(Photo: Shotbart)

Personal hygiene is your first step for to be a MILF. Nothing says “I’m a MILF” more than having brushed teeth and taking a bath. This can be hard to do when you have a young baby, so I suggest investing in a bouncy seat or portable swing you can haul into the bathroom with you when you shower or bathe. if you just plop your infant down on your bath rug you will be all nervous, and if you wait to bathe while baby naps then baby will magically sense this and before you can even get your water to bath temperature baby will start screaming like it is being strangled by a venetian blind cord and you will have to run into the nursery wearing only a threadbare towel that possibly has bleach spots on it from also being used to clean your bathroom with Clorox bathroom cleaner.

And if you don’t have a clean bathroom you probably won’t be too psyched about using it to bathe or shower so also, have a clean bathroom. You also need a bucket. Actually, yes, your first step to becoming a MILF means buying a bucket because children between the ages of two and 10 have GUYS in the bathroom. These can be Barbie guys or rubber ducky guys or action figure guys and nothing will ruin your bathing experience more than sitting on a He-Man head, so grab a bucket and put all the guys taking up valuable edge of bathtub real estate into the bucket and take a nice warm bathtub guy-less bath or shower. You can purchase a bucket at Target or any dollar store.

How To Be A MILF Tip Two: Have Delicious Snacks

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(Photo: Aaron Amat/shutterstock)

When you think about all of the people you know who you enjoy spending time with, I bet they all offer you delicious snacks and beverages when you are with them. If you are wondering how to be a MILF than a very important step in this process is always having delicious food products on hand. This can be anything from macaroons from Ladurée to Frito corn chips with french onion dip (But get all fancy and make it all homemade with the soup packets and sour cream) to buckets of candy. Disclaimer! Do NOT use the same bathtub bucket where your bathtub guys live! Get a different bucket. The second step on how to be a MILF may involve purchasing an additional bucket where you put bags of Twizzlers and Pop Rocks. If you want to be really fancy you can use bowls instead of a bucket. The trick is always being gracious and offering people snack food and delicious items when they are with you because if you do this, people will LIKE to be with you and you have a greater chance of becoming a MILF if people want to F you to begin with. Delicious snack products can help you attain this!

How To Be A MILF Tip Three: Wear Makeup Or Don’t Wear Any At All! 

You can either wear a mess of makeup including fake eyelashes and eyelash extensions and four coats of mascara and lip liner and lip plumper and lip gloss and lipstick or don’t wear any makeup at all. But you should always wear sunscreen. Or just wear some makeup. Or wear ALL the makeup. If people like you because you are clean and you have brushed teeth and you have also offered them delicious snacks they will F you whether or not you have on makeup. FACT. So you can wear makeup. Or not.

How To Be A MILF Tip Four: Clean The Cat Puke Off Your Bed 

If you are wondering how to be a MILF one of the most important things you can do is make sure you have no cat or dog or child puke on your bed. Because I’m a pet-owner and animal lover and I also have children (Hence the MILF), all of the above named creatures have vomited on my bed at one time or another. You can either use a washing machine to clean your sheets or else, sure, use a bucket (but not the bath guy bucket or the candy bucket, a totally different bucket) but just make sure you have NO vomit on your sheets because no one will want to F you in your bed unless that mess is cleaned up.

This step in how to be a MILF is TOTALLY up to you because maybe you don’t F in your bed, maybe you want to F in your kitchen or in your garage or in your laundry room or on the floor, but be careful because at one time or another one of my pets or children have also vomited on my floor. But this is another fact, no one wants to F you where vomit is so you can’t be a MILF if vomit is around. 

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  • Alex Lee

    “scrubs the floor behind the oven.” – I *TOTALLY* did this when I had to replace the heating element in my oven.

    Also, you cannot use Kentucky Fried Chicken buckets to fulfill ANY of these requirements. *sigh*

    • Alicia Kiner

      aw, but you can… KFC bucket can totally be your snack bucket! :D

  • AStewart

    Uhm, Eve. You’re missing the point.
    Don’t know if anyone told you yet, but underneath MILF in the dictionary, it just says “See Eve Vawter”. That’s why Mommyish has been getting all that hot MILF traffic.

    I’d totally F you too. In a completely consensual, girlfriend-y way.
    You’re like, THE inspiration for when I convince someone to put a baby in my belly
    And with your last two guides I’ll be able to F them in style while pregnant, and wear my MILF crown for years afterwards.

    Keep rockin’.

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      brb, getting this tattooed on my back so I can have it always. thank you

  • chickadee

    The world would be a better place if your rules were THE rules.

    So when, exactly, do you plan to run for public office? I’d like to volunteer as your campaign manager.

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      Awww, thanks and yay! Kittens and babies puking!

  • Kiersten Kay

    Love this! The little ones came up and looked over my shoulder whilst I was reading. They were cracking up at the kitty puking. Poor, poor kitteh.

  • http://www.twitter.com/ohladyjayne allisonjayne

    I was so hoping there’d be a bucket reference at the end! Woo!
    Also, this is lovely. According to studies*, my hotness has been increasing exponentially since my early twenties**. I’m pretty sure it’s a confidence thing. Being with the love of my life made me feel a lot better about myself, and having a kid has made me feel SO MUCH more confident and good about myself.
    *studies by me
    **based on the number of times I get hit on

  • Alicia Kiner

    Eve, I freaking LOVE you. This is awesome. I laughed the whole time I read this.

  • ScottA

    How did you get Edward Norton to vacuum your floor?

    I have worked on campaigns before, just in case.

    This would have made a great Point/Counter Point like the old SNL skit. A lady describing how to be a MILF with a man sharing his ideas on what it takes to be a MILF.

    Fifty bucks says the man’s effort comes off as shallow and self-serving!!

  • MeLuRe

    Wanna play GUYS?

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      That is something you say that ONLY a mom gets.

    • MeLuRe

      Truth.

  • Jayess

    I love how you dropped the “f-bomb” in this article, completely unrelated to the F in MILF. It was excellent.

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  • Lindsey Sweet

    The kitten……just yuck……*shudders*

  • B

    Eve, I love you. This article is funny and so much nicer than the author jerk who lives in my neighborhood who just likes to comment on how SAHM’s are losers and ugly so she can feel superior to everyone. Hah! We are all MILFs, even those of us who don’t know it yet.

  • Bx3

    This put some bounce back in my step. Thank you!!!! Thank you for the laughs, and thank you for the tips. I’m off to clean my bathroom, schedule a hair appointment, and call a sitter. Yay! I love my baby so much it hurts, but you’re right. I need some me time, sometimes. Thank you, times a million. <3