The 8 Grossest After-Effects Of Pregnancy And Birth

Every time someone I know has their first baby, at some point between getting knocked up and going to the delivery room, couch, floor or tub, there seems to be this HOLY SHIT moment. Not “holy shit, I’m pregnant, I’m going to be a mother. Creation is such a miraculous thing!” Well, sure. That, too. But I’m talking about the Holy-Shit-this-is-so-much-grosser-than-I-ever-thought-possible moment. And then there’s the inevitable, “why didn’t anyone tell me that would happen?”

In truth, I think we all do get fed the truth about pregnancy and childbirth and beyond. I know I’ve personally done a lot of talking about my experiences. But perhaps, amidst marinating in all those lovely mommy hormones, we just can’t come to accept that our asses will, in fact, explode. It ain’t a myth.

According to my mom friends, here are the eight grossest things that happen thanks to pregnancy, childbirth and beyond. Or the eight grossest things all your pregnant friends will most definitely ignore today (which is probably for the best).

1. Hemorrhoids


Hemorrhoids during pregnancy. Hemorrhoids during birth. Hemorrhoids. Hemorrhoids. Hemorrhoids. Nuff said.

(photo: TipsTimes)

2. The first time you go number two after baby

cat yawning

The doctor say it’s fine! Don’t worry! But you can’t help but feel like your entire uterus will wind up in the toilet. Let’s just say, this is experience was almost as tough, but not nearly as gratifying as giving birth.

(photo: Mo6nl)

3. Leaky c-sections that smells like a dumpster


Apparently a little leaking is normal, but this one sounds pretty unpleasant for the new mama. WELCOME TO MOTHERHOOD. Here’s some stinky goop drippin’ out your stomach!

(photo: caterina)

4. Prenatal gas that happens…


..A lot.

(photo:  It’s just Jack)

5. Peeing your pants

peeing pants

I haven’t been pregnant in years and this one kind of stuck. Maybe it’s just me, but I still pee my pants (just a little) on the regular. And no, Billy Madison, it ain’t cool anymore.

(photo:  frankthetank4prez)

6. Dried, crusted breastmilk


Under your boobs, in your belly rolls and every other newfound crevice in your beautiful, beautiful (let’s not undervalue here) BEAUTIFUL, postpartum mom bod.

(photo: Brett Lakanen)

7. Baby vomit

sick baby

On everything you own.

(photo: Ginet Hart)

8. Thinking you have two vaginas

double vagina

Or as my good friend put it, “my parts have parts.” She was horrified when she asked the nurse during the post-birth check “but what else is there?” Nothing. That’s just your vagina.

(photo: mickeyono2005)

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  • Abby

    I’m pretty sure the first poop after the baby was just as gratifying :)

  • Justme

    I apparently am very abnormal. I only experienced one of those…

    • raeronola

      Me too! I feel like I got off so easy!

  • Edify

    Number 2 after having your baby – even more terrifying if you haven’t managed a successful visit in the days leading up to delivery. Passing that a few days after a c-section is horrific!

  • Sarah

    Number 6 – the milk. Oy, the milk. And I’m always paranoid I smell like breastmilk!

  • meteor_echo

    I’m going to show this to anyone who says that not wanting to ruin your body with pregnancy and childbirth is not a valid reason to be childfree.

    • Cathie2027

      Hahaah only some people. I bounced back to my pre pregoo body 4 monts after 5’6″ at 105. No stretch marks, didnt breast feed so my body looks the same. Honestly it varies per woman

    • meteor_echo

      You won the lottery. However, those who lost it were also thinking they’d win – and look how it turned out for them!

    • Celeste Scales

      Haha I wa back to normal I’m 4 days.. No stetch marks… 6pack back in place! Extremely sore and bruised feeling but looking good!!! Breast same. Too big for my body. I only gained 13 lbs during pregnancy and he was 7at birth… I was what my tenants call “skinny-pregnant” first baby at 31 yrs old….NOT BAD MOMMA!!

  • footnotegirl

    What? You missed the whole “bleeding for 4-6 weeks like it is your heaviest period ever” part? And the “smelling kind of earthy and feral for the first few weeks even if you do manage to take a shower every single day which you will not manage to do” one.

  • Patsysmith

    Basically every woman have been faced it same problem during the Pregancy Period .

  • dash

    You left out the part about when your water breaks and sometimes the baby has pooped in there already so its a brownish green color.

  • Caera

    8 fantastic reasons to adopt.

  • GiGi

    I’ve never been pregnant. Can someone elaborate on #8 please?

  • Melissa

    Delete your blog you are terrible and look at my comment on the little mermaid one you wrote dumb cunt

  • becky choma

    in regards to #3, if your C section incision has “smelly goop” coming out of it, you need medical attention. I healed up from a c section without incident- nothing but a bit of scar tissue. I have also taken care of a woman whose incision got infected and she didn’t get it treated for weeks. It was one of the grossest things I’ve seen or smelt in the 4 years I’d been a nurse. Pus was dripping out of her abdomen every time she moved. She had to be hospitalized for a few days, get everything reopened and cleaned out, and take lots of antibiotics. Ladies remember to take of yourselves too!!

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