Every time someone I know has their first baby, at some point between getting knocked up and going to the delivery room, couch, floor or tub, there seems to be this HOLY SHIT moment. Not “holy shit, I’m pregnant, I’m going to be a mother. Creation is such a miraculous thing!” Well, sure. That, too. But I’m talking about the Holy-Shit-this-is-so-much-grosser-than-I-ever-thought-possible moment. And then there’s the inevitable, “why didn’t anyone tell me that would happen?”
In truth, I think we all do get fed the truth about pregnancy and childbirth and beyond. I know I’ve personally done a lot of talking about my experiences. But perhaps, amidst marinating in all those lovely mommy hormones, we just can’t come to accept that our asses will, in fact, explode. It ain’t a myth.
According to my mom friends, here are the eight grossest things that happen thanks to pregnancy, childbirth and beyond. Or the eight grossest things all your pregnant friends will most definitely ignore today (which is probably for the best).
Hemorrhoids during pregnancy. Hemorrhoids during birth. Hemorrhoids. Hemorrhoids. Hemorrhoids. Nuff said.
2. The first time you go number two after baby
The doctor say it’s fine! Don’t worry! But you can’t help but feel like your entire uterus will wind up in the toilet. Let’s just say, this is experience was almost as tough, but not nearly as gratifying as giving birth.
3. Leaky c-sections that smells like a dumpster
Apparently a little leaking is normal, but this one sounds pretty unpleasant for the new mama. WELCOME TO MOTHERHOOD. Here’s some stinky goop drippin’ out your stomach!
4. Prenatal gas that happens…
(photo: It’s just Jack)
5. Peeing your pants
I haven’t been pregnant in years and this one kind of stuck. Maybe it’s just me, but I still pee my pants (just a little) on the regular. And no, Billy Madison, it ain’t cool anymore.
6. Dried, crusted breastmilk
Under your boobs, in your belly rolls and every other newfound crevice in your beautiful, beautiful (let’s not undervalue here) BEAUTIFUL, postpartum mom bod.
(photo: Brett Lakanen)
7. Baby vomit
On everything you own.
(photo: Ginet Hart)
8. Thinking you have two vaginas
Or as my good friend put it, “my parts have parts.” She was horrified when she asked the nurse during the post-birth check “but what else is there?” Nothing. That’s just your vagina.