You’ve Got 99 Problems But A Crying Baby Ain’t One – Jay Z Songs Turned Into Lullabies

Jay Z Baby AlbumWe all know Hova is an excellent daddy, what with his private Blue Ivy helicopter trips and million dollar nurseries, but I can’t quite give this collection of Jay Z songs turned into muzak lullabies the Eve Mom stamp of approval, especially considering um, some of the lyrical content, even if it isn’t present. And also that this type of thing annoys the hell out of me. The collection, due out in July, would probably make a cute shower gift, but after listening to the songs on the website I kinda feel like I’m trapped in some baby-themed elevator of xylophones and bells. The CD features songs like Big Pimpin’, with lyrics like:

You know I – thug em, fuck em, love em, leave em
Cause I don’t fuckin need ‘em
Take em out the hood, keep em lookin good
But I don’t fuckin feed ‘em

And even though these songs are all instrumental, there is still something a bit off-putting about playing them in a nursery, especially considering how fond are friend Hova is of the word “bitch.” And I’m a Jay Z fan! But I’m also a middle aged women who can analyze lyrical content and not a baby! Plus, does EVERYTHING have to be for babies? I want my rap music all X-rated and violent and misogynistic, I don’t go around demanding that Sesame Street be remade for dumb adults like me. Stupid babies, trying to cop my jams.


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  • Cataract Surgery

    There is a lullaby version of a Metallica album too

  • Alex Lee

    I think that’s part of the allure – that something adult can be distilled into something for babies. WE know what the NC-17 lyrics are, but the kid does not.

    The real momilarity ensues when Susie turns 16, recognizes the lullaby from her childhood, figures out the real lyrics for herself, and asks mom for an explanation.

  • Rachelle

    DUDE. Downloading now. My daughter listens to Rockabye Baby albums of Kanye West, Coldplay, U2, Bob Marley. And now Jay-Z.

    Booya. Eve Vawter, you made my day.

    • Eve Vawter

      But why would you even need a lullaby version of U2 or Bob Marley? if there something inherently wrong with exposing your baby to those bands unless they are “lulabyed?”

    • Rachelle

      LOL! Busted…

      1- Let me make clear that those purchases were for *cough*… me…

      2- I was hormonal and pregnant and would listen to them at the office so I could focus on the fact that I had to stay calm and not do overtime. I would blast the lullabies in my office when people would start talking about 6pm meetings lol. So I actually came to really love them.

      3- My husband and I met when we were musicians. My daughter has more musical instruments than most bands and has a talent for the 1970′s Fender Rhodes in our living room.

      4- She has more complex tastes than I can comprehend, and I absolutely love it: Duke Ellington, Stevie Nicks, Janet and Michael Jackson, Wu Tang and Ludovico Einaudi.

      All that being said, I definitely want to hear Jay-Z lullaby-afied.

  • Tusconian

    Question: were you this upset a couple years ago when a lot of rock/punk albums, with equally questionable or worse lyrics, were turned into instrumental lullabies? Because I have a huge fucking side-eye for someone who thinks that Metallica and Green Day are appropriate for babies, but not Jay-Z.

    • Abendwind

      Our family mostly listens to Neue Deutsche Härte bands that the two year old cannot understand the “inappropriate” -note the scare quotes- lyrics (the 8 and 10 year olds can understand), but in the 10% of time that we do not, I play Megadeth, Slayer, and other metal bands over the speaker in front of the two year old. I would really love to hear your opinion.

    • Eve Vawter

      This is how old I am — I do not know this Neue Deutsche Härte Thing :( at all. So in the happy spirt of expounding upon something I knew NOTHING about, I think it’s fascinating if the lyrics are in German and if the music is akin to something like Slayer and this is what your kid grows up with, because it will be interesting to see how it affects them when they are older. I have a theory that people listen to music differently.

      Both my husband and my oldest kid are musicians, and they listen to and appreciate music in a way I just DON’T – meaning I think they hear things in “complicated” music, bands I just don’t appreciate on the same level as they do .. Like ELP or to keep in the speed metal genre, Pantera. I can UNDERSTAND why these bands are super talented but because I’m not musical I think my ears don’t work the same way. IDK if this makes any sense. Anyway, because you are exposing your kid to a certain “type” of music – and I did just a quick wiki glance that is heavy and fast, I wonder if on some auditory level your kid will grow up to appreciate nuances in music differently than a kid who was raised on a strict diet of Brahms or Vivaldi or Britney Spears, for that matter.

      When I was a teen I was obsessed with Diamanda Galas and Einstürzende Neubauten, both sorts of music that are musically sort of “scary” when I listen to it in retrospect as an old lady. I wonder had I raised my babies mainly listening to this type of stuff if the dissonance and growling vocals would have given them a leaning towards that type of music when older or if they would have rebelled and become huge country music fans? I love talking about music, and I think it’s interesting to see how it affects kids, if it does at all, even in a pop culture sense. My oldest grew up listening to a lot of super misogynistic rap music, and now he is older and into rap himself and we discuss lyrical content and all that and he is fully aware of how “objectionable” towards women a lot of it is. I’m sure because I wander around my house spouting my feminist ideals that contributes to this. It’s all so interesting!

    • Abendwind

      Maybe you should write an article about it- just a suggestion!

    • Abendwind

      the topic, I mean

    • Eve Vawter

      I don’t think any of it is super inappropriate for babies,per se, considering it’s all lullabies. and I don’t think Metallica or Green Day had as much derogatory terminology for ladeeees in their music (You know, that whole bitch and hoe thing) like Jay Z does, but feel free to correct me if I’m wrong. IDK, I just don’t like a lot of this weird muzack for babies thing period.No matter what band it is based on.

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