Bad Mom Advice: Sharing Sucks, Candy Crush Saga Is Ruining Our Lives Plus Bonus Question About Stalking Your Wife’s Menstrual Cycle!

largeWelcome to my weekly Bad Mom Advice column where I attempt to answer all of your parenting questions as only I know how — with zero degree in early childhood development, but with the experience of raising four kids and not having any of them in prison – yet! Plus, I back all my advice on numerous scientific research, which may or may not include me making fun of your dumb kid behind your back and drinking a bunch of wine! Welcome to Bad Mom Advice!

I tend to get really anxious when my 18-mo daughter is around other little kids and such, because I have no clue what proper “playground etiquette” looks like. Take yesterday: we were playing at the library, tons of other kids around, and a young girl (four-ish?) had made a tower of blocks. She turned around and started playing with some other stuff, and my toddler went up to her blocks and gingerly removed two from the top and handed them to me. She continued doing so and I didn’t say anything. When the other girl turned around, she saw my daughter with blocks in hand and flipped the eff out. “Those are MINE! MIIIIINE!!!” My daughter looked confused and a little scared. I gave the girl her blocks back, but my daughter didn’t understand, so she tried to take more blocks. Now the kid was really flipping out. I finally just picked my daughter up and left, and although I can see where the little girl was coming from, all I could think was, that little bitch screamed at my sweet innocent toddler! What do I do, Eve?I just realized yesterday I have NO IDEA what is normal conduct in public kid places. I also don’t know what to do about touching…is it okay if another kid hugs my daughter? What if she touches another kid inappropriately without realizing it? (She’s tried to pull on another girl’s skirt before, and I do my best to stop her, but again, toddler. She doesn’t know any better). HALP.

Sharing is stupid. Do you share all your shit with other people? If I came over to your house and asked to borrow your mascara (How unhygienic!) or your money or your husband (How inappropriate!) would you let me? I don’t know why we teach our children that they must share. It’s bullshit. As a grownass woman I have no interest in sharing my shit with anyone. I consider myself a generous person and I will gladly give you the shirt off my back, but no, I am not sharing my cake with you. Go get your own. I think what we want to teach our children is cooperation. And if we need to do it under the guise of sharing that’s fine, but in reality when we all grow up it’s not like any of us our going to lose our shit in public because someone borrowed our office stapler. The kid at the library sounds like a total brat and I probably would have put on my HAPPY CHEERFUL HELPFUL PARENTING VOICE and said something like:

Can you share the blocks? I’m sure your mommy LOVES it when you share and play nicely! My daughter is little and she just wanted to help you play and it’s nice when we share things! 

All the while looking around for this little monster’s parent so I could give them the crook eye. 

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  • Amanda Low

    Thank you for giving my morning some serious lol. :-)

  • Amanda Low

    Thank you for giving my morning some serious lol. :-)

  • Alex Lee


    Candy Crush Saga is nuts.

    Level 230, by the way. I can quit anytime I want.

    • Eve Vawter

      GO TO HELL. I am on like level 25 and I spent $14 yesterday :(

    • Alex Lee

      Level 33. Bad.

      Stop now.

      Plants vs. Zombies Adventures is in Beta and looks to be a nice segue until the sequel comes out.

    • Eve Vawter

      I hate FB, can I iPad that shizz? I love Plants VS zombies so much

    • Alex Lee

      Not yet. Once it gets out of beta status, I’d imagine it’ll appear in the app store lickety-split.

    • Amanda Low

      I hit level 100 today!! Milestone!!

  • Jessie

    I swear, if I get one more Candy Crush Saga request, I’m going to kill someone. That game is the new Farmville… Or maybe they’ve teamed up to become a blight on the social gaming world and steal everybody’s soul.

    As to the menstrual cycle thing… I don’t think wanting to be able to know when “Aunt Flo” is going to be visiting, or as my husband calls it, “grumpy time” (rightfully so, I really do turn into a raging grump-monster) is upon you, is all that creepy. However, if you’re only interested in knowing the cycle as a means of knowing when to AVOID your wife/girlfriend and when you can and cannot “get some,” then yeah. That’s creepy, and possibly at the height of douchebaggery.
    My husband knows my cycle simply because he wants to be sure we’re stocked up on the “necessities” (pads, tampons, Midol, sweet and salty snacks, herbal tea) that I need to make it through the week and not be totally miserable (as previously stated, my PMS is awful). If you’re using the knowledge of her cycle in order to ensure that SHE is comfortable and won’t have to suffer any more of the usual levels of suck that accompany the event, fine. Go for it. It’s kind of sweet, in a weird way. Just don’t twist it into being about YOU and your needs.

    • Alex Lee

      I think I need “sweet in a weird way” tattooed somewhere on my body.

  • meah

    The premise seems sweet-ish, but overall, I vote creepy and a little bit sexist– I mean, it gives “ohhhhh, it must be that time of the month” a whole new meaning. Dude, we’re all (men and women) at the mercy of our chemistry, but it’s demeaning to suggest that we’re just vessels of hormones with no other motivators or thought-processes. This would creep me the F out.

  • LiteBrite

    I’m not sure about the creepiness. I don’t think it’s creepy to want to know when your wife’s cycle is upon her (and you); I think it depends on the level you’re taking it. I usually give DH a heads up it’s on the way, even though, as I’ve been told, he doesn’t need a warning. I also let him know when it’s the actual thing, just so he doesn’t waste all his player moves when nothing is going to come of it. But if he was actually tracking my cycle with an Internet or phone app? Yeah, I’d have to wonder what his deal is and if maybe he needs more to do around the house. (I have a list, if needed.)

    Candy Crush Saga. Now that shit is creepy. (Says the girl addicted to Hello Kitty Cafe….)

    • Eve Vawter

      Umm, I may need to learn of this hello kitty cafe of which you speak

    • LiteBrite

      No, no you don’t. Because then you will become addicted like I am and spend all your money buying points so you can upgrade LaLa, Purim, and Kitty herself, and your son will desperately try to get your attention while you shout “Not now! Mommy’s got customers lined up!” (Okay, I’m exaggerating that last one. Sort of.)

      But if you have a SmartPhone, you can find it in the app section. The only problem is that it only goes up to level 18 right now, so after that all you do is accumulate money and experience.

  • Amanda Stanley

    Wondering if it was my husband who asked that question O_O
    He’s not….socially aware and has been known to tell women things like, “You aren’t really feeling this. It’s just your hormones. Calm down.”
    For real though, tracking is ridiculous. Being kind to your wife (no matter where her cycle is) will probably yield the best results.

    • Aloma M

      Ohhh lordy. If someone ever said that to me, I might eat their liver.

      That’s basically the same premise as telling a mentally ill person (let’s say a person with Bipolar Disorder) that they’re not really feeling themselves sinking into a depressive episode, because it’s just some whack-ass chemicals in their brain not doing their jobs properly. And I think that most people would agree that to say that to such a person would be incredibly invalidating and messed up. But, since this is intrinsically gender related and concerns the ever mysterious menstrual cycle, people are not so aware, and are all the more stubborn in their beliefs.

  • Sean Phillips

    If i had a smartphone/device, i would totally be using an app like that, but really just for curiosity — i used to study sexuality and sexual anatomy in school and that shit totally fascinates me — and i would tell my lady about it. and of course she would laugh at me and tell me i’m stupid.

  • Allison

    Man. Candy crush saga is the devil. I started playing b/c of my MIL (long story), then I became super addicted, spent like 30 bucks, and eventually managed to quit cold turkey at level 120. Sometimes I still have cravings and I just have to log off fb to get away. That game is like e-crack.

  • riverdog

    I look forward to Bad Mom Advice every week and I’m not even a mom!

    • wmdkitty

      Me, too!

  • LET

    My husband knows the dates of my cycles better than I do, probably so he knows when he’ll be deprived lol. I don’t think it’s creepy, he’s just an analytical guy. Guess it would depend how he was using the info.
    As for the sharing…what was the other parent in this situation doing?? Honestly, I pretty much always make my kid be more respectful of others than is necessary at play groups (“Oh, he took that from you? Oh he’s younger & doesn’t understand…time to share!” “Oh, you want something someone else is playing with? Ask and wait your turn!”) and all the moms I’ve come across are the same, so it all works out evenly. If an older kid was taking stuff from my child & the mom was ignoring it, I would be kinda pissed, though (but I would still likely make my kid play nice, sometimes in life you just have to deal with jerks- better to learn it early! ;) ).

  • Kat

    It’s like a big sexist cake with layers of caring and sweet icing.

  • Jessica Haines

    Haha, this reminded me of a conversation I had with my husband 2 days ago (super heaviest day of my cycle)….Clueless Husband: “I’m horny…”…Me: “Don’t take this the wrong way, but that makes me want to punch you in your FACE right now.”….lol