Girl, Let Me Embrace Your Pregnant Belly

shutterstock_92710936__1368797193_74.134.202.37You are with child. Your are growing the seed of love deep inside your womb. New life has sprouted in the depths of your uterus, and this new life has bloomed from the love we have made, our bodies and our hearts intertwining in the delicate love-drenched love of our love-making. Or perhaps this new life has sprouted from the love that was made during an IVF treatment at your OBGYN office, but this was still made with love. Your hair has grown thick and glossy from the prenatal vitamins that you take every morning, and even when they have made you vomit violently in the kitchen sink you have done so with love. Your feet have grown swollen, much like your belly has, but they swell with love due to our love-making and I know you hate the word “cankles” so I have invented a new word just for you – “lankles” which is a combination of love and ankles which I will whisper to you when I rub your tired feet with some special made foot lotion I procured at the local Bath and Body Works with a 25 percent off coupon. This lotion smells like peppermint and apricots, but it also smells like love. The next time I go there I will also buy you tacos from Quodoba and I will do so with love. But for now girl, let me embrace your pregnant belly.

(Photo:  Piotr Marcinski/shutterstock)

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  • chickadee

    Eve, please create a fake FB profile and BE that pregnant woman. I feel that with your talent for lines such as “Girl, Place These Flowers Next to Your Swollen Love,” you could, through the power of ridicule, shut down the relentless Belly Overshare.

    Honestly — I have a lovely friend who is bright and witty and help us, Jesus, when she is pregnant she turns into LOVE MY BELLY SHOTS ON FACEBOOK THEY ARE CREEPILY INTIMATE OUR LOOOOOOOOOOVE IS GROWWWWWWWING.

    • Eve Vawter

      HAHAHAHAH. So awesome.

  • Amanda Low

    Hahaha, every time you wrote “girl” I heard it in my head as the bad lip reading video of Michael Buble, Russian Unicorn…”Was that you? That’s okay, girrrrrrl…”

    • chickadee

      I heard the ‘girl’ from “D*ck in a Box.”

    • TngldBlue

      For some reason Milli Vanilli popped in my head. Now I can’t get that Girl you know it’s true song out of my head. Also, I’d like to punch that guy with the apple in pic 2.

    • Eve Vawter

      That is a really amazing song. Speaking of bands with braids, my like total jam is “Wishing Well” by terence Trent D’Arby. That apple guy is so bizarre looking , and what is the lady eating?

    • TngldBlue

      Yes! Especially good when I’ve had way too much whiskey. Looks to me like mashed potatoes. Or I could just be very hungry.

    • Carinn Jade

      And I heard Ryan Gosling.

  • Guerrilla Mom

    Hey Girl, wanna come over and take a picture of my belly?

    • Eve Vawter

      Hahah barf. I wanna draw an anarchy symbol on your belly

  • Justme

    The “love” that grew between me and my husband once threw a temper tantrum of epic proportions that included crying (of course), stripping out of her favorite turquoise owl pajamas, throwing all her lovies out of the crib and finally passing out completely bare naked. Yes. Even the diaper had been discarded. All because an hour of cuddling and story time before bedtime was apparently not enough.

    Although I know you wrote this completely tongue-in-cheek, I wonder if there is some sort of correlation between the belly/baby worshipping and the…ahem…idea of the “special snowflake” during childhood?

    And don’t think for a second that I didn’t capture that Kodak moment of my naked two-year-old snoozing on the video monitor. But out of mad love for B and STFUParents, I didn’t post it to Facebook – I’ll keep that precious memory for our family album.

  • Alex Lee

    “Girl, you remember that olive-and-jojoba shampoo I bought for you from I can still smell that intoxicating scent on my fingers as I held your hair for you over our love-toilet.”

    All of this is better than everything Chris Brown has written evar.

  • Tea

    I have no idea why, but my brain just read this in the pranciest foxy voice it could. And after a good giggle, I was obligated to inflict this bit of spoken word on the household.

  • BrendaKilgour

    I am getting a distinct whiff of Essence of Smoove B.

  • Roberta

    This is amazing and there needs to be an album made with these lyrics, right now. Perhaps with Michael Buble?

  • KB

    OMG…”this plate of cream cheese you are enjoying.” Cream cheese was the first pregnancy craving I had. Just plain cream cheese. Straight up, no chaser.

  • EmmaFromÉire

    The smiley face belly is the single fucking creepiest thing i have ever seen.

    • Eve Vawter

      HAHAHA IT IS! I agree.

    • EmmaFromÉire

      It brings an entirely new meaning to the phrase ‘button nose’

    • Eve Vawter

      Ok, now you made it even creepier :( haha

  • Frances Locke

    My pregnant sister says no thank you, get this thing out of her.

  • Auryn Grigori

    With so much “love”, I figured I would send some more “love” apropos of nothing, but “love.”

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