• Fri, May 10 2013

Things I Could Do On Mother’s Day To Piss Everyone Off

What Moms Want For Mothers DayUs moms have to do stuff for people every..single..damn..day of the year. How many totally boring school concerts have we sat through? How many stupid cupcakes have we frosted for birthday parties? How many hours have we spent listening to these people we gave birth to drone on and on about the merits of Super Mario and his crew when we just want to read about Beyonce with some damn peace and quiet? And on Sunday, it is OUR day. It’s the day we are supposed to be allowed to do what WE want, as opposed to doing junk like raising our voices a few octaves so we could play being Barbie‘s dark-haired, less fashionable, not-dating-Ken‘s cleaning lady Brenda and feeding the stupid and possibly bulimic cat at five in the morning because we are the only person who can magically hear him shrieking in the kitchen. It’s OUR day. But it won’t really be OUR day because we will end up doing shit the people we live with want us to do, all under the guise of “celebrating Mother’s Day.”

Give me a break.

If it’s Mother’s Day I wanna do the shit I like to do. You know what I like doing? I like going to Sephora or Ulta or any other major department store cosmetic counter and making fun of the fact there is a Justin Bieber fragrance for women (and not prepubescent boys) and asking things loudly like “What kind of asshole wears orange eyeshadow?” and complaining about the prices of nail polish. Will my family think this is a fine way to celebrate Mother’s Day? Nooooo. I like eating an onion bagel with cream cheese and that disgusting hot dog factory floor scrapings product called liverwurst that you buy for three dollars (No “meat” should ever cost three dollars, ever) and washing it down with a lemony vodka tonic and watching horror movies that involve giant bunny rabbits who terrorize a small desert town. Will anyone else wanna do this? Nooooo. I like petting kittens and binge-viewing marathons of TV shows (No, I still haven’t seen Justified) and putting on a face mask and waiting for it to dry while I play Plants VS. Zombies. One of these years I’m going to demand that this is how we spend Mother’s Day.

Or I could be even meaner and suggest that we do other really stupid things that would totally be in my right as a mother who is a mother every day of the year. I could drag everyone in my family to a discount store “portrait studio” and make them all pose against a blue backdrop wearing color-coordinated ensembles. I could make them fill my flower beds with perennials. I could make them SING to me, songs all about moms and how great moms are and how I am the best mom ever. Complete with dance choreography. We need to take back Mother’s Day. Yes, I appreciate the fact my husband will buy me flowers and everyone will take me to lunch and I will get to watch Game Of Thrones and just DVR Mad Men and I won’t have to wash a single dish, but wouldn’t it be badass if we all started to get our truly selfish on the one day of the year we are allowed to be truly selfish?

Next year I’m demanding access to a pile of kittens I can pet and a bad family portrait of them all in stupid sweaters. I’m a mom. I’ve earned it.

( Lisa Eastman/shutterstock)

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  • http://www.facebook.com/valerisexton.jones Valeri Jones

    Ha!!! This is awesome! If I could do anything I wanted on Mother’s Day, it would be to go to an amusement park and ride roller coasters all day. Except I would take someone with me to deal with my toddler when he gets tired and cranky so the rest of us could keep riding!

    • http://www.xojane.com/author/eve Eve Vawter

      DUDE. I would go with you. I am not crazy about rides but I can watch your kid so you can go on rides and by watch your kid I mean eat a lot of crappy food with your kid.

    • http://www.facebook.com/valerisexton.jones Valeri Jones

      Umm… Duh! I would expect no less than for my child to be covered in a sticky mess and have a belly full of funnel cakes and frozen lemonades. Otherwise, what’s the point of going to an amusement park?!

  • http://twitter.com/TwAlexLee Alex Lee

    Do they make a Hallmark card for: “We’re bailing you out of your drunk-and-disorderly-charge, b/c we totes loves you, Mom.”?

    They should.

  • CMJ

    NIGHT OF THE LEPUS! A classic.

  • CrazyFor Kate

    I kind of wish you were my mom, or my extra mom, or something (cause my mom is pretty awesome too). You sound amazingly cool.

    • http://www.xojane.com/author/eve Eve Vawter

      Yay! I can haz extra daughter for mother’s day!

    • rebecca eckler

      then can you be my mother too Eve?

  • http://twitter.com/PapayaJambalaya Jackie Gillard

    Can you present that all in a webinar for my family?

    • http://www.xojane.com/author/eve Eve Vawter

      Puppet show <3

  • http://www.facebook.com/RetiredSceneQueen Emmali Lucia

    I wish my mom liked going to Ulta or Sephora for mother’s day.

    She wants me to buy her a hanging basket. I want to go to Lush and go buy her life fifty bath bombs and bubble baths and skin lotion that smells like Jasmine and vanilla. But NOOOO. She wants a hanging basket.

    • http://www.xojane.com/author/eve Eve Vawter

      get her a hanging basket and then take the plant out and fill it with bath bombs!

    • LiteBrite

      I want to buy my mom a bunch of Sephora, but she too wants a hanging basket. I’m okay with that, though. Buying her something for holidays and birthdays is a chore because she hates everything, so at least it’s something she’ll enjoy.

    • http://www.facebook.com/RetiredSceneQueen Emmali Lucia

      My mom hates everything, too. I just brought her a beautiful hanging basket and she yelled at me for interrupting her show and for not taking her out to go pick one herself.

      I can’t win man!

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  • LiteBrite

    Eve, if you lived close to me I would totally go to Sephora with you. Actually, scratch that. No I wouldn’t because I plan on spending the day sitting on my ass watching “Spinal Tap” whilst eating leftover Chinese food. Perhaps someone will bring me breakfast that involves bacon.

    • http://www.xojane.com/author/eve Eve Vawter

      I like your plan better

  • Jen

    I feel like Eve and I could totes be friends in real life…I’m gonna ask my mom (who no longer has kids living at home) what she REALLY wants for mother’s day and make that shit happen.

    • http://www.xojane.com/author/eve Eve Vawter

      Yay!

  • http://twitter.com/carinnjade Carinn Jade

    I freaking love this! Taking back Mother’s Day!!

  • Simone

    Eve, this reminds me of when you insisted that we ‘eff the milf and bring frumpy back’. You are a politically-incorrect inspiration. Your selfish crap invigorates me because really, what the hell is so bad about being selfish now and then? You make me want to be a bit less organised and bit more up-yours to all the people who seem to need things from me, constantly, and relentlessly.

    F**k it, this Mother’s Day there’s going to be liverwurst. Because I LIKE it.

    • http://www.xojane.com/author/eve Eve Vawter

      YAy! Thank you and happy Mother’s Day!

  • momjones

    Bring the gang to the Mitten, and we’ll have Buddy’s Pizza, Faygo Pop and Better Made Potato Chips in my “fine establishment.” I’ll make sure there is a 3 year old and a 10 month old here for you to smother with kisses too. And remember the Mother’s Day pecking order: defer to the whims of the cranky, oldest Mom at the party!

    • http://www.xojane.com/author/eve Eve Vawter

      A birdie told me that the kids will drive down for a day in June, please please come with them to MY fine establishment! It will be so fun. Happy Mother’s Day!

  • keelhaulrose

    My husband works tomorrow, so I get to celebrate on his next day off, which is Wednesday. I told him what I get to do. I get to sleep until at least nine, and when I get up I’m off diaper duty. I get to go to the gym and get my full swim in, not the abridged “I gotta pick someone up so it’s either finish OR shower but not both” version, and after I get to soak in the hot tub. I don’t have to worry about the sugar buzz our eldest is going to be on after her last day of preschool party, we can go to the park and run their energy off. And we’re going to pick up the kind of dinner that comes with plastic field so no one can pull that “you don’t have to do dishes today, they’re in the sink for tomorrow” crap. And to top it off, I get to watch my evening show when it airs, and not on the DVR which is crammed full of Disney Jr shows and finicky about recording anything on another channel.

  • Brattynella

    I left my breakfast order with the kids last night, and didn’t get out of bed till 11 am, i refused to do the dishes and then took them all on a hike with the dogs. We are now having Cheetos and crystal light for dinner… I love Mother’s Day!

  • Jennifer

    This article was really funny, but it took me a couple of tries because of the grammar in the first sentence! We, not us! It hurts!

  • Jen

    Hilarious, Eve. Even tho’ my hands-on mommy days are over, reading your thoughts brought many funny things back. Remember, today’s cute/nasty is tomorrow’s blackmail!

  • Malia

    I think my dream mother’s day would be to take surf lessons by myself, but my daughter and her father (whom I’m no longer with) have to come to take photos, so I can pretend in my mind that I’m an insanely awesome surfer (like hello, see this picture of me surfing?) even though I’ve only done it three times in the last four years. And then I get to go to a bar and drink whatever fruity fancy $11 cocktail I want and my ex-husband has to pay the tab (yes, I think I WILL have your top shelf tequila) but he isn’t allowed to come with me or text me through out the evening asking if I’m drunk. YES! But yeah, as a single mom, I didn’t get anything except my preschool aged daughter saying “Happy Muder’s Day!” which was pretty cute.

  • Anon

    I absolutely loved this! All I wanted for mother’s day was for my family to leave for 12 hours so I could do whatever I wanted (nothing.)

  • http://www.facebook.com/nikole.summers.7 Nikole Summers

    Yes. This. If I could have my Perfect mothers day, It would To not be awoken by the sounds of 3 feral screaming children, Daddy would Make me coffee and Breakfast with lots of bacon, Then I would use the bathroom and shower without an audience. Followed by going out somewhere to indulge in whatever I pleased all day with no interruptions Dad would have to deal, Cell Phone would be off. I would go try all those yummy drinks I see posted to facebook and Pinterest (how does a caramel mocha martini taste?) and not come home till dinner and like magic the house would be clean and food on the table :) Ahh dreams, if only they could come true.

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