STFU Parents: Happy Mother’s Day To Gold Star Moms

Happy early Mother’s Day, everyone! To help celebrate the official day people give thanks to their moms (as opposed to every other day of the year when you can treat your mom like total garbage — KIDDING!), I’m handing out Gold Stars like they’re candy. These moms have earned it! It takes a special kind of person to write about the ups and downs of parenting via quirky status updates that read as pure entertainment. Sure, it’d be easy to focus on the weight of a parent’s job — to keep kids fed, to mold minds and prepare little ones to survive in the world one day on their own — but thankfully, many people take a different approach to Facebook that’s far more fun to read.

It’s always possible to communicate the experience of being a parent with a sense of humor rather than just a straight story, and when moms do, they’re setting a good example for other moms. Maybe a woe is mom will pause and remind herself that she doesn’t always have to complain. Maybe a sanctimommy will save her multiple lectures about cloth diapering for another day. And maybe, just maybe, a mom who was thisclose to posting a picture of her placenta will remember that some things aren’t for everyone. One thing that IS for everyone, however, is a good joke. Here are some funny examples, all written by moms:

1. Success

STFU ParentsHow do you measure your success as a parent? By comparing your child to every other child? By obsessing over development charts and other statistics? Or by comparing your still-alive baby to a fickle Japanese plant? If you answered with the latter, you’re on the right track.

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  • smishsmash

    Holy crap! That first one is me! This is a proud day, y’all, a proud proud day.

    • STFUParents


  • Ron Nye
  • Ashlee (Willfully Disobedient)

    All of these make me so happy… I have way too many uptight people on my friends list to post anything like this. I once made a joke that “the way my kid tanks down 5 oz bottles, he’s going to be the beer chugging champ of his fraternity…um, at Harvard.” I got an angry private message about how I should never joke about children drinking.

    I want to find these gold star moms and hug them all!

    • LiteBrite

      I once jokingly told my kid in front of my MIL that he had to wait until he was at least six for a beer. She went off about how you should never, EVER offer children alcohol.

      Chill out lady. He has to wait until at least 10 before he gets vodka.

    • Nicole

      Hard liquor is for double digits. Every good and decent parent knows that.

    • Roberta

      We all know a good parent would make their kid go out and ask strangers to buy it for them outside the store. Builds character or something.

    • ladycrim

      When I was three, I asked my mother’s cousin for a sip of her beer. (I thought it was root beer.) She gave me a sip – in front of my parents – and it was so awful it turned me off alcohol for life. I’m 36 and still can’t stand the taste. So giving kids booze can be for the best!

    • Justme

      I have a hilarious photo of my daughter holding my wine glass with the most envious look on her face. But I won’t share it on Facebook or Instagram for fear that CPS will come knocking.

    • misst

      My parents have quite a few photos of me holding a beer bottle and pretending to drink out of it. Hell me and my sister used to fight over who got the last sip of my dad’s beer. And I remember him letting us try a bit of amaretto when we were pretty young. On special occasions (like Christmas) we were allowed to have about 1/2 glass of sparkling wine diluted with kooklaid or sprite. We even had our own special metal wine glasses. And guess what? I only drank maybe 3 times without my parents permission before I turned 18 (the legal drinking age where I live). When I was 17 my parents used to give me some liquor when I went to parties with my older boyfriend. I think their attitude of teaching us about alcohol and making it clear that while we shouldn’t be getting drunk, if we do we should at least be safe about it (let them know where we’re going, when we should be home, if there will be liquor etc) and that no matter what time or where we were, if our DD had a drink we could always call them and they would pick us up). THAT’S what kept me from being like my friends who were being ‘rebellious’ and getting hammered every weekend from the age of 15.

    • Justme

      Unfortunately we live in the age of STFUParents and you KNOW a Sanctimommy or Mother Superior will jump on pictures like that the first chance they get.

    • orangekitties

      This is basically what my parents did. I think it’s probably the best way to teach your child about limits, while taking away the “seductive mystery” of alcohol. I was never all “omgosh guyyyys lets get druuunk!” in high school because my dad let us have a small glass of wine or a few sips of beer all the time during dinner. He didn’t treat it as a forbidden fruit, so I never saw drinking as a big deal.

  • CrazyFor Kate

    Gold star moms are the best, and one of my aspirations is to be one someday.

  • Eve Vawter

    I know you have no kids, but you are one of my fave Moms, B. happy stupid Mother’s Day!

  • Justme

    Totally off topic…kind of…but can I just say that I generally avoid Facebook on ALL holidays because of the incessant “share this if you have the best mom in the world!”

    • goofyjj

      because if you DON’T share it, it means you hate your mom, and kittens, and you love cancer, and you think fires that kill people are awesome

      the facebook police will be showing up at your place soon

    • Justme

      Yes. I especially hate kittens.

    • goofyjj

      THAT’S why you don’t share….

  • notorious

    Always nice to see examples of sane people.

  • Duff Voigt

    Uh, “Gold Star Mom” means something serious that you aren’t intending.

    • Kat

      Because one phrase can’t possibly refer to more than one thing? Context, dude.

    • goofyjj

      wow I guess they have to use something else in grade school because nobody on earth can ever use a gold star in any other context

    • SMiaVS

      I guess I shouldn’t bring up that I’m a gold star lesbian then, huh? ;)

    • goofyjj

      wouldn’t that be a rainbow star??? or a gold at the end of the rainbow star?

  • BeckyBoo

    All of these are full of win. Especially #4. I want to be friends with those people.

  • Denisasmith

    During the Mother day All the Mother want expectation for their sons and daughter that Sons and daughter would present a such gift .

    • brebay

      well said…er….

    • goofyjj

      uh? ok

  • wmdkitty

    Dammit, Cynthia, now I want ice cream…

  • Karen Meredith

    It sounds like a little education is in order. You apparently do not know what a Gold Star Mother is. Shortly after WWI the American Gold Star Mothers Inc. was formed to provide support for mothers who lost sons or daughters in the war. As good/great of a mom you are, I promise you, you do not want to be a Gold Star Mother. My son left for Iraq the day after Mother’s Day in 2003 and was killed on Memorial Day 2004. I didn’t want to be a Gold Star Mother, but I am proud of my son’s service and I am a proud Gold Star Mother. Imagine how tough Mother’s Day is for Gold Star Mothers. I ask for your understanding.

    • Prince O’Wales

      Sorry for your loss. But do understand context. In this context “gold star mom ” takes on a different meaning. Blair obviously meant no harm to you nor did she seek to make light of your loss

    • Karen Meredith

      Of course I understand context. The fact is that most people do not know what a Gold Star Mom is in the historical context of our country. With a volunteer military, 1% of the country is bearing 100% of the burdens of these wars so you can sit at home.
      Use the term loosely, as you did in this posting, but understand, there is a much greater meaning than just being a special mom.

    • Justme

      I understand that being a Gold Star Mom is something that you hold near and dear to your heart, but words and phrases can have multiple meanings without being disrespectful to one another.

    • goofyjj

      thanks for bumming everyone out though

    • Equality_Enforcer

      I am so sorry for your loss Karen Meredith, but America would still be able to sit at home if this war never started. People are very misinformed about what exactly the military is doing over there that they think that we would be slaves if they weren’t there. Not true.

    • EcnoTheNeato

      To be fair to B., many associations share names. The National Restaurant Association is often called the NRA (but not THAT NRA). Or share a name/acronym with a euphemism.

      As people have said, context. Context of a gold star (or sticker) for a child who deserves praise or has a great day. And since most of the gold star winners are mothers, well, self-explanatory. She also gives gold stars to dads, too ^_^

      B. is not trying to steal anyone’s thunder, pride, or love. She’s just using a clever phrase she thought up for the situation. That, and let’s be honest, she’s been using this term for a LONG time. This is the first I’ve heard anyone raise a stink about it (much less two people on the same thread)

    • Leigha7

      For example, ADA=American Dietetic Association, American Dental Association, American Diabetes Association, Americans with Disabilities Act, and probably some other things I can’t think of off the top of my head.

    • Jade Cahoon

      I am very sorry for your loss, but I would please ask that you not assume we are all American and share your historical context. And as others have said – one name can mean many things

    • goofyjj

      I’m sorry you lost your son but you need to lighten up just a bit about this. Gold Star is used in a LOT of contexts. If you don’t like it, don’t read it.

  • Williwaw

    I love the first one. Someone once told me (when my kid was a newborn and we were still in the disaster phase of parenthood) that if everyone is alive at the end of the day and nothing is on fire, you did a good job as a parent…

    • orangekitties

      hahaha must remember this for a baby shower card!

  • Steph

    These are always my favorites. I am not nearly this witty although I try and fall flat a lot. These women give me hope! ;)

  • Fool Critic

    I once had a random little girl run up to me while I was waitressing and cry, “Mama!” Very awkward.

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