It’s been two and a half years. We’re a team. I just can’t imagine it not being that way. Obviously there are others around – his Dad a.k.a the love of my life, for one. But there is a huge chunk of the day – every day – that we have been spending alone together for over two years. It hurts my heart a little that the dynamic is about to change.
I love the fact that I have a daughter on the way. But she’s still in the theoretical phase. Theoretically, she’s mine. I’m huge. I feel her moving around. But she’s not tangible yet. She’s not staring me in the face. She’s not running into the living room when she wakes up screaming, “HI!” I find myself staring wistfully at my child, all day long, thinking about how long it will be before he has my undivided attention again.
That brings up a little bit of guilt. How is he going to react to a new baby being around? How is he going to respond to seeing me constantly holding another child? If she is anything like he was, there is going to be a lot of holding going on. He breastfed every hour and a half for 45 minutes – for about four months. Good God.
Having kids is a constant reminder of how fleeting every stage of your life is. This stage – of being a mother to only one child – is about to come to an end. He’s going to be a big brother. That seriously makes me want to cry. I find myself wondering if he will ever remember this time we had alone together. He’s not even three yet, so I’m thinking he won’t.
I guess I’m just the kind of person that has trouble letting things go, getting older, and adjusting to changes. Yes, I am definitely that person. Just short of 10 years ago – when I decided to quit smoking – I almost didn’t because I wasn’t ready to close that chapter in my life. Smoking somehow signified youth, abandon – a period of my life that I knew was coming to an end because I was entering my 30s. That probably sounds ridiculous – and it is admittedly a pretty weird parallel to make, but at times in my life I become acutely aware of my own mortality. Becoming more aware and responsible for my aging and health was one of them.
Seeing my child grow and the dynamic of our family change is another.