While I don’t condone rude and entitled behavior and I’m flat out appalled at Jim Toth’s drunk driving, I am secretly thrilled by the whole Reese Witherspoon arrest spectacle that went down in Atlanta the other night. Finally, the Reese Witherspoon I suspected had always been behind those shiny blue eyes and beachy blond hair proves to be the real Reese Witherspoon. And I kind of want to hang out with her.
Reese had all of America convinced she was the adorably perfect girl next door, but I was always suspicious. Behind her “I’m so Southern and proper” facade, her infatuation with monogramming everything (she famously said “My rule is if it’s not moving, monogram it.”), and her squeaky clean image, I knew her best acting was convincing us she didn’t have a serious wild-child in her. But after years of seeing glossy photos of her and her genetically superior children going to and from church, I had my doubts. She had been a star since the age of 14 and never one really bad press event.
She’d had this good girl act down for so freaking long, I was starting to believe I was wrong. Until the police report, with line-by-line dialogue was released. Now this is a role I want to see her in next! Picture Reese Witherspoon as Reese Witherspoon in my fictitious movie The Mugshot (I’ve taken the liberty of writing some initial quotes for her monologue):
“Do you know my name?!?!”
“You’re about to find out who I am! Can you handle my name? You can’t handle my name!”
“I’m Laura Jeanne Reese Witherspoon!”
That’s right, that’s her real name. Now you and the officer in Atlanta, Georgia know. If she does this skit on SNL, I’d bet her box office appeal goes through the roof.
So her arrest details blew the cover off Reese’s well-orchestrated profile, but honestly she never hid the clues that this hellion was lurking underneath. My mother told me you can tell a lot about a person by the company they keep, and Reese spends a lot of time with less than perfect angels.
Nowadays she’s BFFs with the likes of Chelsea Handler, making special appearances on her snarky, ballsy, vodka-fueled shows, “Chelsea Lately” and “After Lately.” In fact, Reese met up with Handler and Cameron Diaz for a drink at New York City’s Greenwich Hotel just days after her arrest.
But it’s not just her friends, her romantic relationships have always had this dark edge. She got knocked up by her boyfriend when she was 23, and although they eventually married and stayed together for seven years, she still ended up with notorious bad boy Ryan Phillippe. Shouldn’t we have known she had a little scandalous intrigue in her then? And even before Ryan she briefly dated hard-core Mark Wahlberg. After her divorce she spent two years with playboy Jake “Never Ever Ever Getting Back Together With Taylor Swift” Gyllenhaal, despite the fact that Jake and ex-husband Ryan were once good friends. I love a small blemish on an otherwise flawless history.
Robert Pattinson described this side of Reese in full detail, but perhaps because he is British (who are typically more reserved than rowdy Americans) we discounted his reaction to the starlet when they worked together on Water For Elephants. He told Vogue:
“In terms of public perception, she’s thought of as America’s Sweetheart. And she kind of is in a lot of ways. But I think that she’s a lot bawdier than that, a lot more raucous. It did actually shock me to see that. She’s tough. You wouldn’t want to get into an argument with her at all.”
Sounds like a trouble-maker to me! And I like it. I’m not interested in boring celebrities who never have anything to say and I’m definitely tired of the train wrecks like Miley Cyrus or Amanda Bynes. Give me a girl who can keep her act together 99% of the time, but loves to let her hair down and get carried away every once in awhile and I’m in love.
Reese, call me, we’ll have a playdate. You and baby Tennessee James Toth with me and my toddlers. At wine-o’clock.