• Thu, Apr 11 2013

Anonymous Mom: I’m Disowning My Parents

I go between feeling a huge sense of relief to huge pangs of guilt and sadness. I’ve talked this over with numerous professionals and friends. The professionals, one who is an expert of children of borderline personality parents, told me that nothing can be done to “cure” a borderline parent. In my research, too, I found this to be true. I asked this specialist what most people end up doing.

“Unfortunately,” he said, “They do need to cut their parents out of their lives.”

How awful for me to think, “Do you mean unfortunately or fortunately?”

I hate to say this, but I wish my parents were alcoholics. (Really, I wish no one was an alcoholic.) But at least people would understand. “Oh, I get why you would cut them out of your lives.”

But saying, “My mother has borderline personality disorder,” — well, let’s just say most people don’t understand and I don’t want to explain what that entails.

The problem with having borderline personality disorder is that you can’t recognize that you have it, which is why borderline personalities generally don’t get help. And it’s left up to the child (me, now an adult) to make the decision to kill the relationship and salvage the next 30 years of my life  – trying to move on from the first awful 30 years.

What scares me  is that this personality disorder can be passed down generations. Although I tell my daughter I love her all the time, there is so much to be learned about parenting and where you can go wrong. Because I grew up with a lack of love, to say the least, I find myself treating my young daughter the exact opposite of how my parents treated me. I’m always going off about how wonderful she is, how proud she should be of herself, telling her that no matter what I’ll always love her. And I know precisely why.

I would tell my mother something wonderful about my career and she wouldn’t say anything, just move onto the weather. She would just kind of frown whenever she saw me. I made her angry, no matter what I did, or didn’t do, even as an adult. Strangely, too, she only asks after my daughter and not my son. Ever. She has never asked about my husband either.

As I’ve told the therapist, “She just doesn’t want me to be happy.” After a decade of thinking about how miserable my parents made me, which affected all aspects of my life, I finally came to the conclusion that they are never going to change, and there can’t be a middle ground. I needed them out of my life if I was ever going to be truly happy.

I think about karma too because I am a mother. I don’t think any mother wants to be disowned. How would I feel if my children one day disowned me? Well, no child wants to disown parents either. And though I’ve now told my parents that I no longer have parents, and they have told me I’m out of the will (typical borderline personality) I feel an emptiness in my gut. The guilt flits in and out. But I am no longer anxious about life.

Overall I am a happier person since I have disowned them. I feel relief mostly, like I’ve gotten out of jail for a crime I didn’t commit.

Many adults are just not strong enough to cut ties. It took me more than a decade to do it. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Many people, I’m sure, won’t understand how I could be so cold. Can’t I just forget and forgive or try to find a way to be civil?

No. I can’t. I’ve tried everything.

This is a very sad time for me, and yet, I am no longer drowning. I feel that I’m in calm waters and, for the first time in my life, everything will be okay.

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(photo: VVSV / Shutterstock)

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  • HPM

    I’m trying to sum up my situation into a tidy single paragraph, but I just realized that the madness I’ve witnessed from my BPD ex-wife would fill a book.

    The main reason for adding my comment to this piece was that I identified with the poor father who was also disowned because he didn’t “SAVE” his daughter from the BPD Mom. My 12 year-old daughter is currently under the spell of a BPD mom who has her convinced that I’m a horrible abusive father. Under her mother’s care she has missed most of 6th grade and will have to repeat. The only contact I get from my daughter is a weekly text asking for child support to be sent early. Or the parroted words of her mother blaming me for something.

    I’ve written letters to my daughter trying to explain what a normal life is without bad-mouthing her mother. And just to let her know that I miss her and wished she wanted to see me. All I get in return are angry emails, texts, and voicemails from her mother berating me for even trying to communicate with my child.

    Today, I wrote my daughter another letter to let her know that I can’t save her by myself. That she has to use her own smarts and common sense to let me save her. She’s a smart kid. And hopefully, as she becomes a teenager, she might see through the insanity of her mother’s BPD, parental alienation, and just plain selfishness.

    And yes, our school system and PCS are aware of the situation. Unfortunately, there are cases with greater priority – my ex-wife, in true BPD fashion flies just below the radar of true whack-job nuttiness when the spotlight is on. So sad for my child…

  • Linda Schillinger-Spiegel

    Unfortunately kids don’t get to pick and choose their parents. None of us are chosen in some sadistic way as if to say..”give that one the cruel parents and that one the loving ones!” When we are born into families it is all a gamble either way..the cards are dealt and wherever they fall..they fall. I think it is most brave to remove toxic people from our lives whether they are family or not. We have to see ourselves as individuals in this life; some of us just don’t get the stable and loving upbringing that every child deserves, however, when we can grow above this .. and turn the situation around with our own kids, then this is when life really begins. It is easy to mimic our parents bad behaviors and just blame that behavior on them, rather than trying to learn from it and be better than they chose not to be. In life we are given a choice whether to be kind and loving or just plain evil. What we don’t know or understand…we find a way! There are so many self help tools we can find in books and online. There is no excuse for abuse! BPD people usually like to pride themselves on being evil. These are the kind of people who feel more comfortable with anger and chaos rather than stability..this is all they know. Their hate protects them from their own past and pain that they have never chosen to deal with in their lives. If they refuse to get help and they refuse to take responsibility for the way they have treated others…than good riddance. Walk away and don’t look back. Our parents have us but they don’t own our lives…we own our lives…we own our lives and only we can decide who we want in it!!!!! BPD Moms are absolutely toxic people and they will never change…very few do…so unfortunately when we are young we sometimes get thrown a bad hand of cards…but there comes a time in our lives…where we can just fold, and we don’t have to fear their emotional hate games any more. Done, over, enjoy life..be happy and make your kids happy…our past makes us stronger people and we are our best teachers; so take a deep breath, be proud of yourself for your unbelievable strength and determination to make life a better place for yourself, your children, and the generations yet to come! Bravo!!!