Put That Leftover Baby-Making Semen Into A Cocktail Using This New Mixology Book

semen cocktails bookMy mom has this awesome theory about food. She won’t try things she deems bizarre because she says she likes too many things as it is, you know, stuff like fresh baked baguettes or really beautiful cheeses, and that she won’t try things like tentacles because if she likes them then it will just be another food item that she would crave or cause her to gain weight or something. And it’s in this spirit that I admit I have no interest in having a semen-vodka-tonic because I like plain old vodka tonics just fine plus the idea of drinking semen out of a glass, even though I adore the would-be producer of said semen, is just super creepy to me, BUT, if you are one of these people who are going to whip up some cocktails (I said cocktails!) than I shan’t judge thee. And there is a new mixology book out just for you! Brought to you by the same person who made the New York Times bestseller  2011 book Natural Harvest: A Collection of Semen-Based Recipes.

According to SF Weekly:

It would have been simpler if Paul “Fotie” Photenhauer, semen-cooking enthusiast, were more of a creep. Then it would have been easy to dismiss his self-published cookbooks, 2011′s Natural Harvest: A Collection of Semen-Based Recipes and the new Semenology: The Semen Bartender’s Handbook – two volumes that literally made me throw up in my mouth a little bit when I received them.

They have recipes like Slightly Saltier Caviar, Special ‘S’ Barbecue Sauce, Mexican Cumslide, and Watermelon Gin Jizz, all which require teaspoons and tablespoons of the stuff. There are sentences such as, “Like fine wine and cheeses, the taste of semen is complex and dynamic,” along with tips on how to make one’s semen taste better (ginger!) and last longer (keep it in the freezer!)

Now, even though this seems like a lot of work to me plus possibly not very delicious, I expect all of you amazing Mommyish readers to tell me all about how you just added semen to your coffee and how you keep a supply of semen in your freezer in specially marked Tupperware and that you already own both of these books and you use them as often as you do anything by Ina Garten. Plus, do you think Sandra Lee has ever prepared anything with semen but also using packets of chili spice and budgets cuts of meat? I need to know these things.

You can purchase the semen cocktails book here in case you want to buy one to give your mother-in-law something that will really freak her out for Mother’s Day.

(Photo: amazon)

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  • Blueathena623

    Bravo Eve, the title alone made me dry heave. Ew ew ew ew ew

    • http://www.xojane.com/author/eve Eve Vawter

      Loooool. I wanna know how many copies these books have sold. Are they just being purchased for GAG (get it?) gifts?

    • semenbook

      You would be amazed….

    • http://www.xojane.com/author/eve Eve Vawter


    • semenbook

      It might be possible. Email me at semenbook@gmail.com and I’ll see if I can fit it in. At the moment I’m traveling in Europe.

    • Tinyfaeri

      I’ll just second this.

  • http://www.facebook.com/valerisexton.jones Valeri Jones

    Oh, come on! The author of this book was really some disgruntled waiter wanting a reason to jack off in a bitchy client’s drink, right?!?!

    • http://www.xojane.com/author/eve Eve Vawter

      I demand you write semenology fan fiction now

    • http://www.facebook.com/valerisexton.jones Valeri Jones

      I agree with you. While I lovingly adore the donor of said specimen, putting it in food and drinks like it’s something like regular old apple cider vinegar or something is disgusting.

      Although, on the semenology fan fiction front – I had a friend in TN who told me about a girl who’s kinky fetish was “California chips.” She would have her partner umm…. donate his specimen?… onto her leather couch, allow it to dry, and then peel it off and eat it. *heave*

    • http://www.facebook.com/RetiredSceneQueen Emmali Lucia

      NO!!! NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!! Oh God I think I’m going to puke.

  • Tea

    Ew… That sounds like it would just be terrible and largely useless. I already know how to flavor it, I do not need more tips.

    Also, I don’t want anything sensitive near high-proof alcohol.

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