At long last, this week the STFU, Parents book finally showed itself to the world! After a long road from conception to birth, I’m pleased to announce that I am officially with child book. And I’d love for you funny and insightful Mommyish readers to pick up a copy! But, just to make it a little more enticing, I’ve put together a collection of brand new submissions that each represent a different category of overshare in the book. I’ve only highlighted eight of the 34 different types of overshare that are covered, but these eight represent what I consider to be the foundational elements that helped to inspire both the blog and its subsequent “sibling” — the book.

The blog will always be my first baby, my special lovechild splattered with placentas and feces, but the book is a funny field guide on what NOT to share on social media if you’re a parent. It’s a cohesive little package that emphasizes the same messages conveyed on the blog, but in an organized (and smelly) manual. It can be read by non-parents with much relief; by parents who want to educate themselves on the finer points of overshare; and it can also be gifted to that awesome pregnant friend with a sense of humor OR that annoying co-worker who will never STFU about her kids. Let’s check out some familiar examples that summarize just what the STFU, Parents book is all about:

1. Loss Of Identity

STFU Parents

Admittedly, this is one of the first things that comes to mind when I consider what truly inspired the blog. How many times have you noticed that your friend (or former friend) has become a shadow of her former self? Suddenly her profile avatar is a new picture of her baby every three days, her Work and Education and Bio sections look like what you see above, and every single status update about her baby’s gassy smile? Not everyone loses his/her identity after becoming a parent — and hopefully the book can help with that!

2. Pregnancy & Labor TMI

STFU Parents

Another major indicator that your friend is going to be “one of those parents” post-baby is if s/he invites you to come along for the birth. Whether it’s with a video like you see above (::shudder::), with a series of way-too-detailed tweets, or with an onslaught of information on Facebook (“On the way to the hospital!” “Now in L&D!” “Getting ready for the epidural!” “ZOMG epidurals rule!” “Almost time to push!” etc.), live-updating a birth is just too much information for the average social media “friend.” Some people, surprisingly, do not know this.

3. Sanctimommies

STFU Parents

I’m not a fan of high fructose corn syrup or fast food, either, but does Cheri have to pat herself on the back so publicly? What’s wrong with being the best parent you can be and keeping various “food triumphs” to yourself? When you have friends who post stuff like this on Facebook, implementing Pirate Speak is absolutely essential.

4. Woe Is Mom

STFU Parents

Nap time is the bane of every stay-at-home mother’s existence. Hence, it is now also the bane of many-a-SAHM’s Facebook friends’ existence. Life is so hard when the loud machines that are redoing your driveway wake your precious baby. :(

5. Inappropriate Parents

STFU Parents

Mmmm…spermicide. Next to apple juice and sand, I hear it’s a toddler’s favorite tasty treat!

What can I say? Parents like this keep Facebook interesting. They also make me concerned for the future of all civilization.

6. Bathroom Behavior

STFU Parents

Everyone already knows the word “moist” is pretty much off-limits regardless of the context, but used in reference to a shitty diaper on Facebook? No thank you. I guess I’ll skip lunch today after all.

7. Entitled Parents

STFU Parents

Some mothers think they deserve special treatment simply for being mothers. I call these sanctimommies “entitled,” and I’ve dedicated an entire chapter to them in the book. Why? To shame them, of course! MWAHAHAHA. (No, but seriously, you can’t walk 300 yards in the rain? Ever heard of something called an umbrella? They make “umbrella strollers” for a reason, Rebecca.)

8. Mommyjacking

STFU Parents

Last but never least, we have mommyjackers. As you Mommyish readers know, there are many ways to mommyjack your friends, and it’s a very complex, turducken-like category of overshare. I mention several of the sub-categories in the book, and I hope more than anything — more than wishing away all the visions of nastiness that have come across my desk over the last four years — that parents who pick up the book will read this chapter. Knowledge is power. And I empower all parents everywhere to learn about mommyjacking.

 To pick up a copy of the STFU, Parents book, check out Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Powell’s, Indiebound, or your local independent bookstore! And if you send me proof of purchase, you can also receive a FREE signed bookplate and a FREE temporary tattoo. Go here for more details, and thank you to everyone who purchases a book!