• Fri, Apr 5 2013

STFU Parents: 8 Examples Of What You’ll Learn From The STFU, Parents Book

At long last, this week the STFU, Parents book finally showed itself to the world! After a long road from conception to birth, I’m pleased to announce that I am officially with child book. And I’d love for you funny and insightful Mommyish readers to pick up a copy! But, just to make it a little more enticing, I’ve put together a collection of brand new submissions that each represent a different category of overshare in the book. I’ve only highlighted eight of the 34 different types of overshare that are covered, but these eight represent what I consider to be the foundational elements that helped to inspire both the blog and its subsequent “sibling” — the book.

The blog will always be my first baby, my special lovechild splattered with placentas and feces, but the book is a funny field guide on what NOT to share on social media if you’re a parent. It’s a cohesive little package that emphasizes the same messages conveyed on the blog, but in an organized (and smelly) manual. It can be read by non-parents with much relief; by parents who want to educate themselves on the finer points of overshare; and it can also be gifted to that awesome pregnant friend with a sense of humor OR that annoying co-worker who will never STFU about her kids. Let’s check out some familiar examples that summarize just what the STFU, Parents book is all about:

1. Loss Of Identity

STFU Parents

Admittedly, this is one of the first things that comes to mind when I consider what truly inspired the blog. How many times have you noticed that your friend (or former friend) has become a shadow of her former self? Suddenly her profile avatar is a new picture of her baby every three days, her Work and Education and Bio sections look like what you see above, and every single status update about her baby’s gassy smile? Not everyone loses his/her identity after becoming a parent — and hopefully the book can help with that!

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  • Blueathena623

    I’ll never understand d the live tweets, constant Facebook updates, tons of texts, etc. during labor and delivery. I sent one text to my boss, saying I wouldn’t be in for a while, and then I had to focus on other things.

    • Litterboxjen

      Your comment was extra-funny to me because I imagined your boss not knowing you were pregnant, and just getting a text saying “won’t be in for the next while, in labour and going to be home with the baby.”

    • http://www.facebook.com/courtney.wooten Courtney Lynn

      Seriously. The last thing on my mind when I was in labor via induction was updating everyone. That was a time for me and my husband to actually be left the hell alone to attend to the matter at hand. And it was a pretty scary time anyway. People can see pics of the kid after he is born and that’s exactly what we did.

  • http://twitter.com/lismarmana Lisa

    I love you, B, but I think they call them umbrella strollers because they fold up and kind of look like umbrellas. They don’t actually have umbrellas on them, though that would be beyond precious. That said, they could always just bring a GD umbrella when it’s raining.

    • STFUParents

      Well, that was a tongue-in-cheek remark, but many fold-ups do have the cover! (or you can purchase a jacket to go over the stroller, which is essentially creating an umbrella for the baby).

    • kate

      newborns also can go in umbrella strollers. but i know you were just being cheeky B., please dont hate me for saying that! lol

    • kate

      oops…cant.

    • Mercy

      I was at a Toys’R'Us one day to buy an umbrella stroller. I asked the store employee to open one for me so I could see what it was like. The whole time he’s muttering, “This is obviously not an umbrella stroller. I don’t know why they called it that. I can’t believe this.” The stroller looks fine to me so I ask him what’s wrong with it. He says, “Well, it doesn’t have an UMBRELLA attached to it, so it’s obviously NOT an umbrella stroller!”

  • http://www.facebook.com/valerisexton.jones Valeri Jones

    I love these articles and can’t wait to read the book!!

    • STFUParents

      Thank you, Valeri!

  • kmeghan

    You know, if you didn’t stop the world when your kids were napping, they’d be able to sleep through anything. I teach preschool, and my kids can nap through anything! Roofers next door, guy working on the toilet, kids crying in the next classroom, etc.

    • Allyson_et_al

      Agreed. I made a point of not being extra quiet when my kids slept, and they could sleep almost anything. Of course, some kids are just naturally light sleepers, which sucks, but you can’t rearrange the world to accommodate them.

    • Mrs.G

      Thank You! At last someone mentions this! My kids were able to sleep thru anything. Parties, Construction or even a loud TV. This woman are giving their kids some serious sleep problems by making the world shut down just for them.

    • LiteBrite

      All of our bedrooms are on the first floor, so I knew when I had a baby that trying to keep things at near-silence at all times was going to be impossible. I’ve never banged pots and pans while dancing to Pantera’s “Cowboys from Hell” or anything like that, but I’ve gone about life as normal,and most of the time my kid has slept through it.

    • Heidi

      I live next to an AF base, wherein we are subjected daily to fly overs and sonic booms. My child can sleep through anything now, because we didn’t make a big deal about it, or we just put some music on while he slept if it was extra noisy. I wonder how these mombies would deal with sonic booms? Write angry letters demanding the jets accomodate their nap schedules?

    • kmeghan

      I grew up on military bases. I’m so glad I learned how to sleep through all that. Now I leave near a highway, and I sort of think the traffic noise is soothing.

    • http://www.facebook.com/courtney.wooten Courtney Lynn

      I keep the TV on in the living room and everything going while my son sleeps. He’s used to it and can sleep like a rock if he’s that tired. Just like me.

  • Melbitspaul

    #5! The fact that “Father” Green responded with a “what?” is what had me cracking up! If you have persons of a religious nature on your Facebook, maybe mentioning your child eating condoms might be a little much.

    • STFUParents

      I thought that was funny, too. :)

    • Brikkz

      holy cow. i have to go back and reread that. i didnt even notice that at all. i just skimmed through the comments looking for someone to chime in with “and just why aren’t you using them?” or something witty…I missed that.

  • LawGeekNYC

    Her baby can’t get wet? Hmm. If she was also born with green skin, I think there’s cause to worry.

    • notorious

      What a world… what a world

    • SusannahJoy

      To be fair, I wouldn’t want my newborn to get wet either. They kinda suck at the whole body temp regulation thing, and everyone knows that being in wet clothes is super uncomfortable, and that when babies are uncomfortable they tend to be very loud. That post just confused me because she’s complaining about a “problem” after she solved it. Yoga mat worked! yay! So…. what’s the problem?

    • Litterboxjen

      Sure, but my newborn’s car seat came with a canopy that managed to keep all manner of snow, rain, sun and other weather off her. I figured that was standard issue.

    • AP

      I had parents show up for baby swim lessons and refuse to change the kid in the locker room (10 feet away) because “I don’t want him to be cold and wet!”

      What, exactly, did you think swim lessons entailed??

  • notorious

    That lady bitching about the parking is full of shit. It is VERY easy to keep a newborn dry in the rain, they are so small and easy to cover up with a jacket or blanket – even or especially if she left the baby in the car seat – for the 2 minutes it would have taken her to walk in.

    • SusannahJoy

      especially since the whole yoga mat thing seemed to work really well! she’s complaining about a problem that she easily solved!

    • EditKitten

      Also, 300 yards? That’s … a lot farther than it probably actually was.

    • http://www.facebook.com/courtney.wooten Courtney Lynn

      Right? Really lady, you don’t carry a blanket with you? I did when my son was a newborn and he was born in MAY. It’s not the retailer’s problem that you have a newborn.

  • http://itsmyworldcanthasnotyours.blogspot.com/ wmdkitty

    1. Connor’s status, aside from the loss of identity, is quick, concise, and to the point, without oversharing or going into “worship me, I procreated” territory.

    2. The picture is okay — she’s fully clothed, there are no fluids, you know? But then Darla ruined it with “Have sex.” Because, you know, when you’re in labor, the first thing you want is to have sex…

    3. I like Bailey! Cheri and Danielle can take their hippy-dippy vegan diet and shove it.

    4. Okay, so nap after the loud equipment is done!

    5. Amanda deserves an award of some kind.

    6. Well, THAT was disgusting.

    7. Buy a fucking umbrella, and suck it up. You’re not entitled to special parking just for popping out a kid, and that store has every right to reserve that spot for a paying customer.

    8. …what the fuck. Trying to figure out what being a MOMMY has to do with the weather…

    • whiteroses

      I have to wonder what Cheri and Danielle would have thought of my godson, who proudly informed me the other day that he is a “french-fry-tarian”.

    • Leigha7

      The only thing that bothered me about the first one is that (unless I misunderstood) she listed her baby as her employer. That rubbed me the wrong way a little bit, but that’s just from seeing too many people (mostly women) saying that once you have a baby, the baby OWNS you and you can never ever do anything for yourself ever again, or you’re a horrible selfish bitch who doesn’t deserve to have children. By itself, it’s could actually be a slightly amusing joke, but I’ve heard that stuff too often.

  • lemon floor wax

    Amanda on #5 should have gotten MANy more likes.

  • Daisy

    Bought the book yesterday! I just want to devour it all in one sitting, but sadly, I cannot allow myself to open it up until term papers and finals are over :(

    • Brikkz

      You think YOU can’t open B’s book because of finals??? Just wait til you have kids.
      My book cover is collecting dust and chocolate finger prints, thank you very much

      And that is how you do a true mommyjack #8. Recognize.

    • Daisy

      Hahaha this comment made my day :)
      Also, I confess I cheated and let myself read a chapter for every page of my essay I wrote. And B, I just have to tell you, when I saw the “kids are part of our community” lady, I literally got up and did a happy dance. That is definitely my favourite “WTF” submission in the history of the blog, and I’m so glad it was included in the book!

  • EmmaFromÉire

    I have literally NO idea what the correlation is on the last on.

    • Amy

      I believe it must be thunderstorms.

  • Brikkz

    1 didn’t bother me.

    2.Darla was more annoying than Kris. She was sanctimoniously “my husband is a doctor” jacking that thread. tehn she says her husband is a doctor and has given her that advice many times…

    And I was thinking….it was just advice because he knows a guy.

    Or did she ever consider her husband was dropping hints??

    on myspace with my first kid I actually did say something along the lines of zomg epidurals rule

    3 I hate Cheri. She sounds neurotic. And let me just say it “Ain’t nobody got time for that.”

    4 Woe Is Priveleged suburban mom.

    reschedule naps for one day, lady.

    5) Now that I’ve seen the fr. comment its even better than it was the first go round. I hope

    Karla isn’t planning on receiving communion this sunday….

    6.) Blue B was being optimistic, poor Blue Brownish colored J burst Blue B’s bubble.

    7.) I am even more amazed that she expected the owner/ manager of a men’s clothing store to give her a parking spot at his store when she is not a paying customer. She’s not even a dude….

    Its called an umbrella lady. Then Julie chimes in with “I’d make a note to not shop at that store” Rebecca already wasn’t shopping there.

    8.) no comment. its weird what some mommyjackers can come up with….

  • MA

    If someone tells me to have sex to bring on labor I reserve the right to throat-punch them.

    • GearMom

      Gold Star!

  • pixie

    I don’t know about many other people but my parents didn’t put me down for a set nap time pretty well as soon as I was sleeping through the night. They felt that if I was tired, I would fall asleep on my own, which I did. I don’t seem to have any problems now with sleeping and can sleep through pretty well anything. A few of my friends who were put down for naps until they were eight years old (I wish I was kidding) have more issues with sleep than I do and tend to take four hour naps in the afternoon then can’t sleep at night. Extreme situation, I realize, and I doubt this is the case here, but I don’t think it’s a huge issue for snookums to miss one nap if he’s sleeping through the night.
    If you schedule your driveway to be redone, don’t you think precious could miss one day of nap time? I also wonder if she’s the type of mother to complain when her kid wakes her up at 6am, but acts the martyr to show what a dedicated mommy she is even though she’s sleep deprived and has so much house work to do.

  • AP

    Amanda in #5 deserves a Gold Star for her “Neither of you know how to use condoms correctly,” comment. Absolutely brilliant!

    Also, that mom is an idiot for bragging about her kid chewing on condoms. Like balloons, they’re a really bad choking/inhalation risk! We all know that kids have a Ninja Sixth Sense for finding dangerous stuff and getting hurt, but putting it in writing online is kind of asking for trouble from some busybody.

    • Leigha7

      They could have still been in the wrapper. It seems improbable that a small child would be able to open them, and if they were already open, they’d probably have been used (which I assume would have been mentioned, because ew). That would be a bit safer.

  • julierox

    haha, holy crap, Rebecca’s parking woes happened in my back yard. It’s a big mixed-use development (called the Shops at Legacy in Plano, TX). That area is like an outdoor mall, designed to be very pedestrian-friendly, so there’s limited parking right by specific shops. Some shops have reserved spots for customers, and restaurants frequently have reserved spots for people to quickly pick up carry-out/to-go orders. There are multiple parking garages, so the most you’d have to walk anywhere is 2 blocks.

    Mama Pita is effing DELICIOUS and when my husband and I eat there we like to sit at the counter by the windows and comment on the assholes that park in their pickup spots and either dine-in or walk to another shop.

    You’re an entitled ass just like those folks, Rebecca. This is Texas, storms pop up. Put a damned umbrella in your car.

  • GLAAD = NAMBLA

    #1 – Changing your picture to your child and a joke status about being overwhelmed with a new baby isn’t losing your identity. I know not everyone does this when they have a child, but a child changes your life tremendously – so the hell what if a parent wants to put a picture of their child as their profile pic?! Does the whole “losing your identity” thing go for people that have a picture of a car or a pet? Of course not. Stop being a bitch for a day Blair, you might like it.

    • Elle

      I agree to a point… it’s okay to be proud of your kids, and yes, having a child will change your life forever, there is no doubt about that. But I also agree that listing your child as your “employer” on facebook is a bit silly. You do end up doing work for them (which is 24/7 in the beginning), but they are not your boss (or shouldn’t be anyway!), and they should not be the foundation of a person’s identity.

    • GLAAD = NAMBLA

      I think the point is that it is a joke. My facebook says that I work at “the hell hole” which is home. I can’t tell you how many “mothers” told me that I was a bad parent for a joke that apparently I only got. It was on the Nick Jr page a few years back when the “THEY CHANGED THE LINEUP! WHAT IS MY KID GOING TO DO NOW?!” fiasco blew up. I went there to point and laugh at the morons, and their reaction was to “feel sorry for my poor children” that they have me as a parent because I referred to my humble abode as the hell hole

    • canaduck

      Sorry but I can’t take anybody seriously when they not only refer to a woman as a “bitch” but compare homosexuals to child molesters, you fucking freak.

    • GLAAD = NAMBLA

      Well it’s a good thing that I don’t give a frog’s fat ass if you take me seriously or not.

  • Elle

    I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being miffed at having to carry an infant in the rain like that, but I would call it more of a “first world problems” issue than parent overshare. Plus getting mad at the store just because you’re a mommy is lame. They didn’t cause the rain.

  • EcnoTheNeato

    What REALLY bothered me about #1, and I think some people who thought it was okay may have missed, is the fact that she self-labeled herself as “dairy queen.” I doubt she means that she works at the fast food place o_O

    • GLAAD = NAMBLA

      I get it and I still don’t see what the big deal is.

  • B. Hatfield

    Was that a joke or does the author really not know what an umbrella stroller is?

    • GLAAD = NAMBLA

      Unfortunately it isn’t a joke. She is that dumb.

    • Leigha7

      Yes, it is SUPER dumb when people who don’t have kids don’t know terms that you typically only use when you have kids. Everyone knows what a stroller is, but I doubt 99% of non-parents have any idea what the names of different kinds are.

      Also, I Googled it (because *gasp* I, not having children yet, didn’t know exactly what an umbrella stroller was either–to be honest, I’ve never even heard that term), and it’s the perfectly ordinary stroller that everyone I’ve ever seen uses. And, funny thing, most of them do, in fact, have a canopy that can keep at least some of the rain off a baby. So even if it WASN’T a joke, it’s not exactly an invalid point.

      Seriously, though, I’ve never heard anyone call it anything besides just a stroller, and I babysat 20-40 hours a week in high school.