• Thu, Apr 4 2013

Child Abuse Is Everywhere And I’m Sick Of People Justifying It

shutterstock_87396635__1365082480_70.118.110.28It seems not a day goes by lately when you don’t hear about some horrific stories of child abuse. This week alone brought a story of a 4-year-old left outside in freezing temperatures as punishment for misbehaving in his daycare class, and an even more horrific story about a little boy being duct-taped and hung upside down as punishment in another daycare. How can so many adults feel that abusing children – even those who aren’t their own – is okay?

The first story happened at a North Dakota YMCA. KVLY-TV reports: ”A parent was dropping off their child at the Y Learning Center, when they saw a 4 year old boy standing outside with no coat on. The boy told the parent he was being ‘punished’, and they called police.” It seems the teachers were having a hard time getting the child to put his outdoor apparel on, so they took him outside and told him to stand on his snowsuit until he was ready to put it on. The temperature was in the teens. The boy was brought in by another staff member and dressed. The other staff members have been suspended.

The second story happened in Pennsylvania at Just 4 Kids Daycare. The Daily Mail reports: ”According to the Department of Public Welfare, two employees at Just 4 Kids Day Care and Learning Center in Hamlin held a child upside-down by his ankles to stop him from biting staff and made the boy walk around in underwear to punish him for soiling his pants. Officials say the boy’s hands and feet were duct-taped to keep him still.”

In situations like these, I usually just like to blame these actions on a few really misguided adults. But after reading some reactions to a piece my editor Eve Vawter wrote yesterday about a father whipping his teenage girls for posting a video of themselves dancing suggestively on Facebook – it became clear that many adults are not on the same page when it comes to physical abuse. With so many having cavalier attitudes regarding the abuse of children – frankly I’m not surprised that stories of abuse are surfacing daily.

To be fair, most commenters were condemning the father’s actions. And when it comes to stories of abuse in daycare – almost all agree that someone who is not a parent should not be physically disciplining a child. But the grey area lies in those who believe physical abuse is okay in the home – that it’s a parent’s decision and that’s that. I can only believe that this fosters an environment of abuse that spills over into other aspects of life. I would put money on the idea that the teachers who thought it was okay to duct-tape a child as punishment probably had some pretty awful punishment inflicted on them when they were children as well. This sort of behavior has to be learned somewhere, doesn’t it?

The point is – we are expected to model every other right behavior for our kids. From brushing our teeth, to saying “thank you” to being respectful of others. In what way are we modeling “right” behavior when we use physical violence to correct behavioral problems? The only thing that accomplishes is the lesson that force and pain gets you what you want.

That is not a lesson I am willing to teach my children.

(photo: Suzanne Tucker/ Shutterstock.com)

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  • Blueathena623

    I was surprised by the comments left on Eve’s article. Everything was hunky dory when I read it, but apparently it blew up over night. To me, one of the distinctions between physical punishment (like spanking) and abuse is abuse is done out of anger. I’m not saying that’s the only distinction, obviously, but smacking your kid because you are mad and spanking a kid to, for lack of a better phrase, reinforce a lesson, to me, is different.
    And I’m pretty much totally against humiliation punishments. Kids learn enough through embarrassment as is (I’m looking at you middle schoolers).

    • Diana

      Don’t get me wrong. I agree that people shouldn’t hit out of anger ( or at all). But I actually find it much more horrifying when physical punishment is premeditated or cold blooded.

      I can understand the motivation of an angry parent lashing out, but a pre-meditated spanking seems almost sociopathic to me. I can’t stand the idea.

    • Blueathena623

      I agree, but as I stated above, I wonder if we’re thinking of spanking in the same light. Perhaps we are, but to me, spanking is a swat on the behind that is used more to startle the child. I know I seem like I’m backpedalig, but out of curiosity I asked my husband if he got spankings, and I realized that his version of spankings (multiple hits that hurt) were way different than the spankings I saw my mom do to my little sister (I don’t remember them myself because she didn’t do them past 3ish). I wouldn’t consider them pre-meditated, but maybe you would.

    • http://itsmyworldcanthasnotyours.blogspot.com/ wmdkitty

      No. Hitting is hitting is hitting, and adults ought to be modeling peaceful, constructive discipline methods, rather than justifying a violent act against a child.

    • Tinyfaeri

      I saw a comedian once who had a bit that went something like this:
      “You always hear never to hit your kids when you’re angry. How fucked up would it be if you waited until you were happy? ‘Oh, no, Mom’s/Dad’s holding the belt and smiling, everybody run!’”
      …Abuse is abuse even if it’s done with a smile, or just without the screaming and yelling, ie. dispassionately to reinforce a lesson. I’m not 100% sure that spanking is abusein all cases, but now that I have a toddler, I can’t honestly ever imagine an occasion where I would do it to her, and we’ve decided never to spank her. God help anyone who lays a hand on my child. There are other ways to reinforce a lesson that don’t involve physical violence.

    • chickadee

      Oh exactly! I mean, how could you stand calmly while your child is frightened and prepare to hit her? I’d you don’t hit when you’re angry, you can’t when you’re calm because that kind of sounds psychopathic. When you’re calm you realize that there are much better methods of discipline that don’t involve hitting.

    • Tinyfaeri

      Yep. “You just wait til I’m in a good mood!” does seem a bit cray-cray. :)

    • Blueathena623

      I see what you’re saying. I also realized that people might have different ideas about what a spanking is. In my mind, I think of a spanking as a swat on the bottom. Not that I’m trying to change your mind on spanking, I just didn’t want people to think that I pro-hurting kids.

    • http://www.facebook.com/valerisexton.jones Valeri Jones

      I agree 100% with your take on spanking. We’ve talked about this before, as you know. But I spank, and by that I mean that if my son does something really dangerous like try to run into the road or climbing on something where he could get hurt, I give him two swats to the butt while I say, “No-no” firmly. Also, before the spanking (except for darting in the road, obviously), I count to 3. He is 16 months old and I haven’t had to spank him in over a month because now as soon as I get to 2, he stops doing what he is doing. For me, spanking worked as a teaching tool. Now that he’s getting older and can understand my system and talk a little bit, the spankings will phase out.

      To reply to another commenter named Valerie (nice), I do not feel that what I do is abuse. It has obviously worked in my house and unless another dangerous behavior arises, there probably won’t be much of it. Yes, it does my break my heart to see him cry after I spank him. But it would break my heart even more if he were to get seriously hurt or killed because he didn’t know how to listen to me. But to back up my system, I use CONSISTENCY. Con Man knows that when Mommy gets to 3, he is getting spanked, no matter what. I think this the consistency is key to any disciplinary system.

    • Blueathena623

      To me, spanking is very age dependent. I can’t see spanking a 6 year old because by that age you can reason with them more (to a degree). I haven’t spanked my 14 month old because I know he doesn’t understand things yet (he pauses when he hears no, but he thinks its a funny game). Now, this may all be bullshit because I haven’t reached that age yet, but if I were to spank my kid, it would be in that short window of a year, maybe two, where I know he understands what I’m saying ( do not go in the road) but doesn’t have the ability to really think of consequences. Once kids can start to imagine the theoretical, I don’t think spanking has a purpose.

    • Blueathena623

      Oh, and I saw Valerie’s comment and thought it was you, and I was like “wait, what?” ;)

    • Jen

      Absolutely, if you show consequences when they are young (a quick swat on the bottom if they are doing something really dangerous etc.) then when they are older spanking isn’t a problem because they know. Mom/Dad doesn’t play I better get my butt in gear!

    • faifai

      I agree completely. “You can’t have cookies for lunch” is different from “Stop trying to climb into the oven”. And everyone talking about “premeditated” is being kinda silly; hopefully you all know what it feels like when you’re enraged, and hopefully you all know what it feels like when you’re not enraged. :P

    • http://www.facebook.com/valerisexton.jones Valeri Jones

      “Stop trying to climb into the oven” made me LOL. :)

    • Tinyfaeri

      Oh, I didn’t think that – like I said, I’m not 100% in my own head as far as what I think of spanking in a general sense. I can say that I was spanked as a small child, and for me personally, it didn’t do any good. Any time I can remember being spanked, whoever did the spanking was already so angry at me and I was so sorry that I wouldn’t have done whatever it was I did again. It didn’t scar me for life, and I love my parents and all, but spanking didn’t do anything but make me look forward to the day when I was big enough to hit them back and adopt a “just you try it” attitude whenever we got into a fight in my teen years. It didn’t add to the effectiveness of the discipline for me, it just added a level of antagonism that didn’t need to be there.

  • Valerie

    When you hit a child, that is abuse. People trying to make a DISTINCTION between spanking and beating is like trying to distinguish between rape and “rape-rape”. There is no difference, there is no gray area. There is a victim and there is a perpetrator You can try to justify it all you want, but it is VIOLENCE. The End. That’s all she wrote folks. Think about this, what are you teaching a child when you hit them? I love you? I want you to guess what the kid thinks. My mommy hates me. She hits me. She doesnt love me. She hurts me. Do you like your kids to flinch when you raise your hands to hug them. Does that not break your heart. When you see tears in their eyes, does that not break your heart. When you see fear, hate, anger? HOW can you feel that is okay to inflict pain purposefully and intently on another person? Esp the people you brought into this world? You are given the gift of speech for a reason. You were given a level of intelligence for a purpose. We are smarter than the average bear folks. You can think of something more productive. No, it doesnt always have to be time-out, hell, I dont how effective that is, but you can think of something, and if you cant, guess what. YOU HAVE THE FREAKING INTERNET TO HELP YOU. Other people. There are resources. Therapy. Books. Just be creative. There are many different websites that offer information on how to deal with bad behavior or whatever. Beating your kid is not the one most recommended by professionals and for good reason. It hurts everyone. I tell my kids, there are so many mean people in the world, people who will hurt others to get what they want. You are better than that. You can do better than that. There is a reason why God gave you a heart, a brain and hands. So you could love, think and hug. Hate is easy. Love is hard. Even if you don’t believe in God, you can at least use logic to discern that teaching violence will beget violence. Don’t contribute to that cycle.

    • scooby23

      THANK YOU!!!!! I’m really sick and tired of people justifying spanking. Finally there is a SANE person out there!

  • http://twitter.com/marisasaystweet MarisaSays

    I had to stop reading the comments on Eve’s article. There is no grey area in this issue to me; child abuse is terribly wrong in every way and is never okay.

  • Rachel Sea

    These stories make me crave a community where extended families and friends are constantly involved in child-rearing. No one involved in child care or education should feel the need to resort to violence. People are expected to just know how to care for kids (or to have researched it, with the assumption that anyone has the resources for reputably-based self-study). Clearly none of these people had the tools to deal with child discipline, and that means that the wider community has failed in the duty to promote the well-being of these kids. The perpetrators will be punished, but the damage will have been done, and no one will have learned anything, which means the cycle will continue.

  • Marcy

    I had to stop reading the comments on the other story, though I did comment there.

    I freely admit that I don’t have any objectivity on the subject because I was abused. I’ve read the comments here and I’m positive that you are very nice people. You seem thoughtful and reasonable. But just as I cannot be objective, I think you may have your own blind spots. So I’m just going to point out that a few of you are engaged in THIS conversation:

    What is the right number of times to hit my small child?

    For Christ’s sake, the rest is just semantics.

  • http://itsmyworldcanthasnotyours.blogspot.com/ wmdkitty

    Violence is NOT the answer, people!

  • williams

    My name is John mark, my family and i live together live in Canada.It was after seven years i got to discover that my wife was unfaithful to me.I didn’t know what was going on at first but as she got deep in the affair with her new lover, i felt that our marriage was on the rocks.I notice that she no longer light up when i touch her or kiss her in her neck and her chest cos she really liked it when i did that, she also usually get naked in front of me but when she started seeing that guy she stopped it.I remember asking her if i have done anything that makes her feel irritated when i am around her then she gives silly excuses that she has been feeling stressed up and that she need space for a while.I know when you are been asked for space its usually because there is something fishy is going on.I hired a private investigator to help find out what was going on.And in a week time he brought me prove that my wife that i have lived with for seven straight year is cheating on me with her high school lover.I had picture of her walking out a of a restaurant with him and many other photo of them kissing in public like she will never be caught by someone that knows she is my wife.I asked myself, even when we had a daughter together she could this to me.That same night i showed her the pictures that i got from my private investigator.She didn’t look at it before saying, that she is seeing someone and she know that i just found out about it.Then she said that she is in love with him.At that moment, i didn’t know if to kill myself or to kill her but the button line is that if i was going to kill anyone it was going to be me cos i was so much in love with her to even think of thinking to hurt her.As time when on she asked for a divorce and got it and even got custody of our daughter and i was all alone by myself.I just couldn’t get my mind off my wife and my daughter all i could think about was getting them back and we living as every family should.For a year i tried all i could to get her back with the help of my seven year old daughter.Even at that all effect was in vain, i used the help of her friend but turned out all bad.I know most people don’t believe in spell casting but believe me this was my last option and the result i most say was impressive.And i know it difficult to believe but A SPELL CASTER kasterblaster really made my life much better cos he gave me my family back.He didn’t ask me to pay for what he did for me all i was to do, was to provide the materials for the spell and believe that he had the power to help me.Like he said, he was going to do something that will make her reset her love and affection for me just as it has always been.My wife told me she woke up and realized that she should have never left me that i am all she needs.To make thing clear, her life with her high school lover was great before DR kasterblaster casted the spell they had no disagreement on anything.The guy said it himself that why she broke up with him is something he can not explain just that she woke up on the same bad with him after a very romantic night saying she is breaking up with him for no reason at all.Only
    kasterblasterspiritualtemple@gmail.com can do such a thing contact him to solve your problem with his email address kasterblasterspiritualtemple@gmail.com

  • williams

    An amazing testimony on a spell caster who brought my wife back to me.. My name is Mack David , i live in USA,and I’m happily married to a lovely and caring wife, with a kid. A very big problem occurred in my family seven months ago,between me and my wife. so terrible that she took the case to court for a divorce. she said that she never wanted to stay with me again,and that she didn’t love me anymore. So she packed out of my house and made me and my child passed through severe pain. I tried all my possible means to get her back,after much begging,but all to no avail. and she confirmed it that she has made her decision,and she never wanted to see me again. So on one evening,as i was coming back from work,i met an old friend of mine who asked of my wife. So i explained every thing to her,so she told me that the only way i can get my wife back,is to visit a spell caster,because it has really worked for her too. So i never believed in spell,but i had no other choice,than to follow her advice. Then she gave me the email address of the spell caster whom she visited, and i decided to contact the man, after a brief explanation to this man, he asked me for some info about my self and my wife which i immediately told him and he assured me that before 2 days my wife shall come back to me begging, it was like a dream to me when my wife actually came back after 2 days begging and crying for forgiveness, right now we are happy again and my family is good again, i thank this great man Dr osunbo for his help, you can contact him on this email if you have similar problem, Email: osunbospellsolution@gmail.com

  • williams

    My name is williams James from northern ireland, i am
    30 years old, happily married with three kids named Alex, Jane and kate, i am here majorly to thank and share my wonderful testimony with the general public about a great and powerful spell caster called Dr.okosobo who helped me in retrieving back my marriage union with my ex wife. We have been living a marvelous and a luxurious until the day i was fired from the office where i work. As times goes on i started to noticed some changes in the behaviour of my wife that she don’t cook again in the morning as usual before she go to her shop and also she now come home late at night.
    So one day she gone to her shop without cooking and
    not checking the kids and at about 10:00pm in the night she has not shown up and i decided to close the doors and i stayed in the sitting room to wait for her. At about 10:30pm i heard my door bell and i knew it was she and i refuse to open the door, she keep on knocking until a stage that i decided to open it and when i opened it i asked her where
    she is coming from at this kind of the night, she looked at me and hissed and walked out of me, so i held her on her arms and she started shouting and calling me all sort of names so in annoyance i decided to beat her up. So in the morning of the next day when i woke up i saw her packing her belongings and properties and when i asked where she is going to, she told me that she is tired of this union that she wants to leave, she removed our marriage ring and throw it to the ground, i and my kids started begging her but she didn’t listen to any of us. She told the kids to stay here with me that she is leaving and immediately she left. Throughout that year i and my kids lived in pains and suffering but one glorious morning i met with my old friend from united states
    called Thomas and he told me that where is my wife and so i
    explained everything to him and he told me that i should relax that he will help me. He told me about this man how he had helped him to get his wife and also he gave me his email address (okosobospelltemple66@gmail.com) and so i contacted him and when i conacted him i explained everything to him and he decided to perform a spell services. After he had casted the spell he told me to wait for just 24 hours that i will see the result, so i believe and i waited as he had instructed. To my surprised at about the time that he told me to wait i recieved a call that i have been taken back in my office where i worked before and the next two minutes i saw my ex from a distance coming to my house and when she arrived at my door post she knelt down and start beggingfor forgiveness. All these was like a dream in my eyes and i thought i was dreaming but later reconcile that it was by the help of Dr.okosobo. So my kids decided to be begging me
    to forgive their mother and so i ordered her up and i walk towards her and i embrace and kiss her and we all embrace ourselves. This was how i and my family came to be united again with the help of the Dr.okosobo. Anybody in the same line of situation and other and situation and willing to contact him should kindly contact him on this email address
    (okosobospelltemple66@gmail.com ). Visit him and have a
    wonderful life thereafter.
    He is a man of possibilities.

  • JaneDoe

    Thank you for this article. Please keep speaking out on this–we all need to. I am a survivor of child rape and i witnessed my brother being physically abused. I was discussing something related to this with a woman who survived severe beatings at the hands of her father. The person consoles herself by believing that everyone in her neighborhood was abused like she was. The person also encouraged me to “understand” my family’s denial and callous treatment of children because they were treated like that when they were children.

    This sort of attitude gets in the way of healing, of cultural change and the protection of our nation’s children today. Plenty of people were abused as children and do not repeat the abuse as adults. It was never right, it will never be right no matter how much we “understand” the people who abuse children

  • Bujar Baku Baku

    ju uroj nje fat te mbar ja kalofshi mir

  • Maxwell

    They need to do the right thing with respect for the children.

  • Maxwell

    I agree. Child abuse is bad.

  • James

    Be careful here nobody can help you here or even suggest how you can get your ex or love back,any testimonies of most spell caster here must be ignore.because most of them are scam i mean real scam which i was a victim and i got ripped of thousands of dollars because i was so anxious to get my wife back after she left me for over 2 years with my 7 years old son jerry,i have applied to 7 different spell caster here and all to no avail they all ask for same thing send your name your ex name address and picture phone number etc which i did over and over again and most of them were from west Africa until i saw a post about mama Anita spell and i decided to gave her my last trail.she ask me four things my real name,my ex and my ex mother name and $180 and said my ex will come back in 24hours, i have paid over $3000 on spell casting and courier and nothing have work for me after 3 days i was thinking about how much i have lost so far so i said let me give her a try so i called her again and send my real name,my ex and my ex mother name and the $180 because i swear it was my last try so i was waiting as she told me to wait till next day and i could not sleep that night because i really love my wife and want her back at 9pm that day i saw my wife on line on face book and she said hi at first i was shock because she never talk with me for the past a year and 9 month now i did not reply again she said are you there? i quickly reply yes and she said can we see tomorrow i said yes and she went off-line i was confused i try to chat her again but she was no more on line i could not sleep that night as i was wondering what she is going to say, by 7.am the next morning she gave me a miss call i decided not to call back as i was still on shock again she call and i pick she said can we see after work today i said yes so she end the call immediately i got off work she call me and we meet and now we are back again i call mama anita the next day thanking her for what she has done in fact i still call her and thank her as my life was not complete without my wife please be careful here i have been scam thousands of dollars if you want a true love spell then contact mama Anita (mama.anitatruelovespell@gmail.com)

  • Doreen

    First things first. We all know that employers and some colleges are paying attention to Facebook. How professional, even for a part-time after school job, is this? So never post ANYTHING you do not want to follow you for life. I read through most of the discussion on this forum and the link to the original story and it was back and forth against and for this type of punishment. But what got to me is that someone had the nerve to include “It’s not fair for some kids who did something that was mildly stupid and get punished for it.” I feel bad for those children who don’t have parents that care enough to discipline. To say that “So the girls here only did twerking and posted on FB and they almost died”. First there was no excessive force or attempted murder even with the cord and to even to compare them to a story about a girl with no self-respect and/or real parenting is unreal. Both types of behaviors are unacceptable either way. We have to remember that these girls knew their dad and knew that he would react this way or similar and did it anyway. There was a time when you did not want to do something bad because it was a reflection on your parents and it would get back to them so you did not do it!!!!! And just as they knew their Dad we have to trust that Dad knew is daughters and how to deal with them. To grow a conclusion on how dad should have reacted in just a few minutes is assuming you could have done better or different. Walk a mile in someone shoes first. I cannot guide other children but I can my own and I am ultimately responsible for them and their actions until they are grown and on their own.
    I want my children to grow up to be good, contributing members of society and care about themselves and their name sake. Never do,say, or write anything that you do want the WHOLE world to see.

  • http://bravespellcaster.yolasite.com/ Jeffrey Dowling

    My name is Susan i want to use this opportunity to thank my great doctor who really made my life a pleasurable one today. This great man Dr.OYINBO brought my husband back to me, i had three lovely kids for my husband, about four years ago i and my husband has been into one quarrel or the other until he finally left me for one lady. i felt my life was over and my kids thought they would never see their father again. i tried to be strong just for the kids but i could not control the pains that torments my heart, my heart was filled with sorrows and pains because i was really in love with my husband. Every day and night i think of him and always wish he would com back to me, until one day i met a good friend of mine that was also in a situation like me but her problem was her ex-boyfriend who she had an unwanted pregnancy for and he refused to take responsibility and dumped her. she told me that mine was a small case and that i should not worry about it at all, so i asked her what was the solution to my problems and she gave me this great man email address. i was doubting if this man was the solution, so i contacted this great man and he told me what to do and i deed them all, he told me to wait for just two day and that my husband will come crawling on his kneels just for forgiveness so i faithfully deed what this great man asked me to do and for sure after two days i heard a knock on the door, in a great surprise i saw him on his kneels and i was speechless, when he saw me, all he did was crying and asking me for forgiveness, from that day, all the pains and sorrows in my heart flew away,since then i and my husband and our lovely kids are happy.that’s why i want to say a big thank you to Dr.OYINBO spiritual temple. This great man made me to understand that there is no problem on earth that has no solution so please if you know that you have this same problem or any problem that is similar such as Love, Money, Power, Success, Sickness, Pregnancy, Hiv Cure,Marriage, Job, Protection, Lottery, Court Case, Luck and contracts, i will advise you to come straight to this great man. you can email him at: prophetoyinbojesus@yahoo.com

  • http://bravespellcaster.yolasite.com/ Jeffrey Dowling

    My name is Jeffrey Dowling, i live and work in Oxford shire, UK. My life is back!!! After 2 years of Broken marriage, my husband left me with two kids, I felt like ending it all, i almost committed suicide because he left us with nothing, i was emotionally down all this while. Thanks to a spell caster called Dr. oyinbo of Ultimate spell cast which i met online. On one faithful day, as I was browsing through the internet, I came across several of testimonies about this particular spell caster. Some people testified that he brought their Ex lover back, some testified that he restores womb,cure cancer,and other sickness, some testified that he can cast a spell to stop divorce and also spell to get a good paid job so on. He is amazing, i also come across one particular testimony, it was about a woman called Vera, she testified about how he brought back her Ex lover in less than 2 days, and at the end of her testimony she dropped his email.After reading all these, I decided to give it a try. I contacted him via email and explained my problem to him. In just 48hours, my husband came back to me. We resolved our issues, and we are even happier than ever.Dr.oyinbo you are a gifted man and i will not stop publishing him because he is a wonderful man. If you have a problem and you are looking for a real and genuine spell caster, Try him anytime, he is the answer to your problems. you can contact him on ( prophetoyinbojesus@yahoo.com or prophetoyinbojesus@yahoo.com) or call him +2348074066640. he is the best caster that can help you with your problems.