My Fiancé And I Make A Conscious Effort Not To Talk About The Baby

marriage after babyOnce you become a mother, chances are you will not remember for the life of you what you talked about aside from brands of diapers, rashes, teething, or extra-curricular activities for older children, how much Tylenol to use for a fever, that your children need new socks, and organizing play dates. You will say to yourself, or at least I have, “If I didn’t have this baby, or children, what the HELL would I talk about?”

This isn’t always the case for me, at least with my fiancé. For EXACTLY two minutes a night, my fiancé and I are the most disgusting, mushiest and gushiest parents in the entire planet. Honestly, you’d puke in your mouth if you heard us talk.

Once the baby and other children are in bed, and we’re in bed (FINALLY! ALONE!) I’ll say to him, “Okay, let’s just talk about Holt for two minutes.”

And that’s exactly what we do.

I’ll start by saying, “He is the cutest baby in the entire world. Don’t you think?”

And my fiancé will say, “Yup. And have you noticed that if you rub your nose on his belly he laughs like a maniac? There’s no better sound.”

And then I’ll say, “He can almost walk. He’s a fucking super star!”

And then my fiancé will say, “I know. He can climb the stairs! He’s so strong! Oh, I and I forgot to tell you the other day, this woman stopped me on the street and told me she just wanted to eat him up and said he was the cutest baby she had ever seen!”

And then I’ll say, “Of course he is! Duh!”

And then my fiancé will say, “He can almost throw a ball! He’s amazing,” and I’ll say, “I can just tell he’s much wiser than most 9-month-olds…So, do you want to watch a movie or something?”

And ALL baby talk will stop. My fiancé and I will either watch a movie, go outside and smoke a joint, have sex, or I’ll read and he’ll play on his iPad. All the while we still talk about other things, like work, our dreams, boring-ass chores, friends, and anything else that pops into our brains that has nothing to do with babies or children.

After those two minutes, it’s like we don’t even HAVE kids (He has two children from a previous marriage. I have one. And together my fiancé and I have the aforementioned most-adorable-baby-on-the-planet.) After our two minutes of talking about how fucking cute and brilliant our baby is, we really do spend the next couple hours, before passing out, talking about people or work or anything else that is bugging us.

We laugh. A lot. And not about our children. And, thank god, because, honestly, most of the time when I get together with my family or his family, all we talk about is children, children, children, baby, baby, baby.

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  • Anika

    I feel bad for the other children, it seems like everybody only wants to hear about the baby.

    • Emmali Lucia

      That’s what happens when a baby comes in though, the baby gets all the attention and spoiling and love while the other children are just there.

      It’s really sad, in my opinion. But unless you have an only child there’s really no way around it.

    • rebecca eckler

      This is so not the case in my family! The other children are NOT forgotten about. They can just talk, so, um, we can have actual conversations with them, while the baby cannot talk, so we just talk about him. Trust, all our children are loved.

    • Melody

      Exactly!! The older kids don’t need anyone to speak for them, they can dominate the conversation on their own.

  • Eve Vawter

    I am totally going to make this Wife Swap happen. It has to. I would swap with you but then we would both be like , fuck it, lets go to Vegas and spend the kid’s tuition money at Jimmy Choo. :(

    • rebecca eckler

      I so want to do the wife swap! But I also really could use a trip to Choo and Vegas….we can make both happen, right? We’re smart chicks! And we’re not going to “spend the kid’s tuition money.” We’re going to gamble it and WIN!!! :)

  • Blueathena623

    What, I like two articles from Rebecca in a row? ;) I must be in crazy reverso-land. Keep ‘em coming :)

    • Valeri Jones

      I was just as surprised as you!!!

    • Eve Vawter

      I know Rebecca can be super controversial but she is truly the sweetest. I know I shouldn’t say this because she has her image but she is so nice, hahaha

    • Valeri Jones

      Controversial writers are what I like the most. :)

    • rebecca eckler

      wait…am I controversial? Really? :)

    • Eve Vawter

      Yes, you once took a vacation and the internet melted, remember?

    • rebecca eckler

      Nope. Don’t remember a thing :)

    • Guest

      Just for you, Blueathena!

    • rebecca eckler


  • AS

    HA! My husband and I talk about our best-baby-ever all the time too! :) I was just thinking today that I have to start finding other things to talk to him (and others) about. It is hard, I’m a first-time mom with a 6 month old and a really boring job (considered boring by others)…no one has ever been interested in my work and now that I have an infant I have little other time for interests outside of work unless I get to go out with a friend and then I have nothing to talk about!! :) Must get back into reading soon…make myself more interesting!

  • Tea

    This is actually probably one of my favorite articles from you. I am really refreshed by people who can become parents and remain as functional adults and not “Mombies” as Blair puts it. It’s part of why I love my brother-in-law who’s a SAHD, because we can talk about Baby, and but also talk about the car, artwork, publishing, and all sorts of normal human stuff, and not just BabyBabyBabyBabyBabyBabyBaby-Oh you were published? That’s nice-BabyBabyBabyBabyBaby.

  • Barb

    Can I have my 3 minutes back?