• Fri, Mar 22 - 9:30 am ET

An Open Letter To My Daughter, Who Monday Was Told ‘I’m Going To Bring An Ax To School And Cut Your Head Off’

girls bullied in schoolDear V:

The hardest thing to do, as a parent, is to let your kid go out into the world on her own, even if it’s just to third grade. Dad and I may talk a tough game about loving that you guys are getting bigger, but if we’re honest, it’s pretty scary.

But not as scary as some girl in your class telling you she’s going to bring an ax to school and “cut off your head” because she didn’t like you telling her she has to contribute to the group social studies project! 

Joanna Schroder wrote a touching missive to her son for The Good Men Project about how her son got new glasses and how one of his classmates called him a “nerd.” I wish I could reassure Joanna that it gets better, that kids chill out and by high-school they are more focused on their own little realities and their raging hormones, but that just isn’t true. Bullied girls in school and bullied boys, even though heartbreaking, is something that seems to be getting worse and not getting better. Even adults bully each other.

It just hurts a lot more when it’s your own kid running home from the bus stop, tears streaking their tiny little faces as they explain to you that one of the girls in their class wouldn’t let them play “The Games Where We All Pretend To Be Puppies” during recess, or that they suggest to her that she isn’t cool because she can’t sing along to a Taylor Swift song. As a parent, it breaks your heart.

My own kid came home Monday and complained of a headache and wonky stomach. She seemed okay for the rest of the evening but sometime during the middle of the night I felt her and her army of stuffed chickens and kittens crawl into bed with us. The next morning she said she wasn’t feeling well, and after the bus pulled away she broke down in tears and confessed she was scared to go to school because of the “ax-incident.” She explained that she didn’t bring it up the night before because she wasn’t worried, but then when it was time to go to school she had second thoughts that maybe this kid was actually planning this. I called her school, spoke to the school counselor, and the next day my daughter and the little girl who made the threat had a meeting with him. It’s been handled, my daughter is fine, back on the bus and back to class. She has had issues with this same kid before, pinching and shoving, being told she is “ugly” and a “loser.”

Welcome to elementary school.

I know this kid wasn’t really going to haul an ax to school in her backpack and decapitate my daughter, but it sure sounds scary when coming from the mouth of an 8-year-old choking back tears. Just as hurtful as being called a “nerd” or “ugly” does. I don’t remember kinds being this nasty when I was growing up, but I’m sure they were. I was picked on for being much taller than everyone else and having a mouth full of braces. I just don’t remember anyone telling me they were going to chop off my head.

I wish we could gather all the sweet kids, my V and Joanna’s Izz and a lot of the other kind-hearted ones and stick them on a “Happy, Nice Kid” island where they could all go to class together and not deal with the jerks of the world, but I guess this is sort of preparing them for the jerks of the grown-up world.

It’s just a lot harder for the little guys to deal with because they can’t have bourbon.

So sorry V, I got off track in my love letter to you, telling you to buck up and how amazingly wonderful and perfect you are to us. But you are. And in this world I’m sorry for all the jerks and creeps and bullies you will deal with, and all I can really do is teach you how to stick up for yourself and when to tell a grownup and when to just realize that some people are just jerks. And as I promised you before you left for school today, I’m never, ever going to let anyone chop off your head.

Love,

Mom

(Photo: Ensuper/Shutterstock)

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  • whiteroses

    Wow. Just… wow.
    I read your articles, though I don’t comment on many. Stories about your daughter are some of my favorites. I’m glad she is able to go back to school. And you tell her from another adult who she’ll never meet, a former resident of “Happy, Nice Kid” Island, that it really does get better. There will always be jerks, but when you’re older, you can defend yourself a little better. Tell her, also, that she’s a pretty cool kid.

    • http://www.xojane.com/author/eve Eve Vawter

      Thank you so much xo

  • http://www.facebook.com/paul.white.3532507 Paul White

    Wow. That one might be worth going to a teacher over. It’s a specific, detailed violent threat. Kind of creepy. Hope your daughter’s dealing OK with it :(

    • http://www.xojane.com/author/eve Eve Vawter

      Yeah, the school is aware, trust me

  • http://twitter.com/TwAlexLee Alex Lee

    “I VOLUNTEER AS TRIBUTE!”

    Seriously, if someone wants V’s head, they’ll have to take mine first.

  • Camelia

    It’s not normal for very young children to be making such violent threats, and it’s not a learning experience for the children on the receiving end.

    I don’t remember kids being this nasty when I was growing up, and that’s because they weren’t. Things have changed and adults aren’t doing enough about it.

    • Pekoe

      Often when a child is like this it’;s because something is going on at home.

      However, I disagree that this is a new thing down to bad parenting.

    • Andrea

      I guess maybe it’s not “normal”..but the 1st thing I thought of is that the kid is watching something she shouldn’t be. Probably being exposed to some kind of violence that she can’t process.

  • workingMOM

    forget going to the teacher – i’d call in the cops. that’s a threat if i’ve ever heard one and parents should be managing their childrens’ behaviour or be responsible for the consequences.
    sure, people say “it’s just kids being kids”, but that’s wrong. have a read of this article where two 10 year olds kidnapped and murdered an almost three-year old – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Murder_of_James_Bulger.
    they’re your kids and you can never be too careful.

  • Pekoe

    I went on a school trip once and my so-called best friends turned on me overnight, told everyone I was gay and that I’d been sexually molesting them in their sleep in the hotel room. We were 13 years old. I know all three had major problems at home – two alky mums and one was struggling with being trans. Problems like this often arise from personal misery at home.

    My heart is bleeding for your kidlets. But they’ll be fine, cos they have one helluva awesome woman as a mommy :)

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1165875627 Jennifer Ives O’Meara

      Feel your pain, mine did too, except I was 11 & it was a sleepover bday party. They bullied me for 3 years, name calling, beatings, you name it. It sucked, and pretty much explains why I have a hard time making & keeping new friends as an adult. Looking back, these girls came from terrible homes! Sad to report all of them are living there parents life 25 years later, drugs, abuse, poverty.

  • Alice

    Unbelievably heartbreaking for you and V. I don’t know what is happening
    to our youth but it is frightening. Love you Eve….you protect your
    cub.

    • http://www.xojane.com/author/eve Eve Vawter

      Thank you! xo

  • chickadee

    If it’s any consolation, Eve, both you and your daughter handled the situation with maturity and levelheadedness. I hope it never happens again, but you guys are going to be fine.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1165875627 Jennifer Ives O’Meara

    That is horrible! WTF is wrong with someone who would say such an awful thing? I’ve been angry & said some not so nice things when I was a child and they never involved a death threat. You handled this well, but don’t let it go. The bullying will continue, as this has been a problem before like you said, but it will be really subtle until one day it won’t. Feel free to contact the other parent to nip it now. I hope your has friends that she can count on at school.

  • http://twitter.com/mariaguido Guerrilla Mom

    Aww. Poor V. You handled it well.

  • Justme

    I know it doesn’t make the other child’s behavior OKAY (because it isn’t) but I would assume that if something so specifically violent (over something so seemingly small) is coming from the mouth of a small child, she must have learned it somewhere – probably a rough home life. Again, doesn’t make it OKAY, but I hope little red flags went off for the counselor and she is meeting with that child individually in an effort to investigate exactly WHY she reacted in the manner that she did.

    Last year we had a whole host of sixth grade girls that behaved atrociously – bad attitude, poor decision making, mean girls….you name it, they did it. There were more 6th grade girls placed in in-school suspension than 8th graders total. It was a rough year for them. But this year they’ve calmed down (to an extent) and as their coach, I’ve been getting to know them on a personal level and the stories I hear about their home lives are TERRIBLE. No wonder these girls were acting out at school! They’re moms were disowning them, their dads were getting thrown in jail, there were suicide attempts, alcoholism, abuse….just awful, awful stuff for 11 and 12 year olds to be going through.

    Again, it doesn’t excuse the behavior (making threats to other people is wrong, no matter what) but that kind of acting out is definitely symptomatic of a greater issue going on outside the school building – one that should be investigated and dealt with by school administrators.

    • Tusconian

      This. I’m all for the fight against bullying, but nowadays it seems trendy to brand underage kids with undeveloped brains and unfortunate circumstances as complete monster bullies, and condemning them publicly for life. Some kids are bullies because they’re spoiled brats who never hear “don’t do that” and many more are acting out due to life situations way worse than being called names on the playground (and others are actually responding to bullying from other children; bullying is almost never the one-sided situation the news and blog posts make it out as). In both situations, the root is the adults. The teachers for not putting an end to the bullying and the parents for either coddling their bully children, or putting their kids in bad situations. In this case, the teachers need to be told, the bully’s parents need to be notified, and those adults need to put an end to it properly; none of that “well, she can handle it, she’s tough” or “they just tease you because you let them/they’re jealous” nonsense I got when I complained about my bullies at that age. Though to be fair, IME that is exactly what happens, unless it’s some complete over the top punishment as if the girl actually did cut someone’s head off. We have studies saying firm but mild punishment, and education, generally is the best route, but we choose to either turn a blind eye (“kids will be kids”) or overreact (“the 8 year old making an impotent threat is obviously the irredeemable spawn of satan, put her in juvie until she’s 18!”).

  • Mary

    Just went through something like this with my 6 year old. I talked to the teacher, she handled it and all is well but yeah, I wish I could protect my kids from the jerks of the world but it’s what will develop their sense of self (I have to keep telling myself this to get through the day).

  • AS

    Wow. I would definitely mention what was said to the teacher. Big red flag that something is going on at home that is not right. It could even be something that this child is picking up on from a neighbor (in which case I am SURE their parents would want to know), but it is specific and angry enough to warrant great concern. Love that you told her you would never let anyone chop off her head. :)

  • Scoop007

    This type of occurrence is partly why I plan to homeschool my daughter. I get accused a lot of wanting to home school her to protect her from real life and to coddle her. But in all my years of being an adult, never once has another person threatened to cut my head off with an ax. The bullying, drugs, fighting, and all around bad behavior we see so often in schools today is not real life nor is it a necessary evil that my daughter must experience to “toughen up”. The sole purpose of school is to receive an education. I am in no way confident she can get a great education from a school-public or private-anymore.

    • http://www.facebook.com/paul.white.3532507 Paul White

      Man. It’s a boring week if I don’t get threatened at least once or twice…

    • Scoop007

      Yeah my life is boring. I should try to get down to Detroit every once in awhile, the threat of a car jacking or robbery might spice things up!

    • Erica

      I agree with you. Kids do need to be exposed to other people with different opinions, rude or mean kids. But as much as you would expect to take from anyone in your adult life before saying “okay, this isn’t right. I need to deal with this or get a new job/roommate/etc.” I will be sending my kids to public school but if my kids were ever in serious jeopardy physically or mentally I would pull them out and homeschool them.

      As for this article’s specific threat. Ummm, I’m pretty sure I’d talk to everyone in that school, file a police report, and demand a separate classroom for the bully. That was a pretty serious threat.

  • http://crazybitchesblog.com/ CrazyBitchesBlog.com

    Dismemberment threats in elementary school? I think the worst thing I thought about was sharpening someone’s finger using the back of the Crayola 64 box.

    Scary times we’re living in.

  • BlackWaterHattie

    when my daughter was threatened in school by a giant kid who told her he was going to punch her in the face, I told her to take her glasses off, put them in her pocket, and get as close to that kid’s face as she could (she is very short) and tell him in a low voice “do it, Bitch. I want you to”. I told her he would either punch her in the face or that he would back right the hell down. I said if he punched her, it might hurt (but not as bad as it hurt when she had stitches in her eyebrow) and that I would then come up there and raise the roof. And I said that I figured he’d back down, though, and she did it and turns out I was right. He backed down. My poor kid has glasses that make her eyes look HUGE and she’s the shirtest kid in her school (almost) and she has had her share of bullying. But the thing is, what I have told her, what I have experienced for myself, is that you can’t be bullied unless you allow yourself to be bullied. People saying stuff doesn’t get to matter unless you allow it to matter. Physical harm is somehting else altogether- but stick and stones, for christ’s sake! Of course I dont want kids to be mean to my baby, but that is life. I’d rather her figure this out now than become an adult and be shocked when not everyone treats her with kindness and respect. She needs to get tough now so she can stand up later.