She replied, “Oh my god. Your sex life cracks me up.”
I had just told her that I had sex with my fiancé the night prior, and then that day, before my friend forced me to go with her to a spin class. Right before that I also had a Brazilian bikini wax, so my vagina had gotten a lot of attention in those 24 hours. I haven’t done a spin class in months, and anyone who has done a spin class for their first time, or their first time in many months, knows your vagina does kind of get bruised.
Basically I told my friend, “My vagina is done. It’s out of business.” After two rocking, and pounding, sex sessions, a Brazilian bikini wax, and one spin class, the last thing I wanted was sex.
“My vagina needs a break!” I told my friend, who was laughing her ass off.
I’ve become sort of a freak of nature amongst my friends when it comes to sex. It all stems back to when I was pregnant.
I had sex every single day of my pregnancy. This is not an exaggeration. In fact, it’s not even an exaggeration to say that sometimes we did it TWICE a day when I was pregnant. I love my fiancé and so we do it a lot. Obviously, I’m very attracted to him. I guess I also like sex. He DEFINITELY likes sex and I often joke to him that he has a sex addiction problem, because if we go ONE day without doing it, which rarely happens, he’ll say something like, “We haven’t had sex in a while.”
To which I respond, “What the fuck are you talking about? We had sex yesterday afternoon!”
To which he’ll respond, “Oh, right!”
But my friends are still amazed that we did it every day during my pregnancy, up until the day I gave birth. Literally, we had sex the day I had my baby. I wasn’t scared that the baby would be hurt.
There’s this funny joke that I mention in my book, Knocked Up, that I love. It goes something like this, “A baby is born and the parents are thrilled. As soon as the father picks up the baby, though, the baby punches the father in the face and says, ‘Now you know what it feels like!’”
Once I realized that we had sex for six months of my pregnancy, with no days off, I wanted to keep going. My fiancé and I still talk about this. “How could you have sex with me when I had gained 50 or 60 pounds?”
His response is, “I don’t know. It’s so weird, but I never saw you as being pregnant or that big.”
I also WAS very horny during my pregnancy. Yes, I was like a horny whale. But I do know that sex is very important in a relationship. My fiancé actually thinks it’s the most important thing to keep couples together, but of course I think you could also add, “communication,” and “always figuring out fights,” and “treating each other with respect.” He agrees with that too and tells me so, especially while we’re having sex (HA!).
I’ve recently become obsessed with asking married couples how often they have sex. The answers sometimes amaze me. I’ve never heard one of my friends answer, “Every day.” The best I got was twice a week, which I thought was pretty good for 13 years of marriage. I’ve also heard, “Um, maybe every three weeks.” And I’ve also heard, “Only on vacations.” (What? You only have sex like once or twice a year?) What saddens me the most are my friends who actually admit to me that, “If he even wants to touch me, I’m repulsed.”
Of course I side with my girlfriends, because that’s the type of friend I am. And some of them tell me, “Talk to me in five years. You’ve only been together with him for two and a half years.”
Why, just because we are mothers, does the sex stop? Stupid question, I know.
We are tired. So tired. But, when you think about it, and I hope my fiancé doesn’t read this, sex lasts about 15 minutes. Sometimes when I’m not in the mood (and, yes, sometimes I’m not in the mood when I consent to sex) I just tell him he’s going to have to fuck me, but do all the work.
Maybe it’s true that I will get sick of having sex with him as time goes on. I hope not. After all, if I could have sex every single day throughout my pregnancy (that’s, like, nine months, every day) I certainly can continue having sex while not being pregnant — when I can actually lie on my stomach.
So, yes, while my friends think I’m a superstar, or a freak of nature, for having had sex all through my pregnancy and still every day now, I really am curious about how often married couples have sex. Is there a norm? Should there be?
As for me, I’m happy to say my vagina is back in working order.