Anonymous Mom: I Have A Husband But I Wish I Had A Boyfriend

date night marriedAnonymous Mom is a weekly column of motherhood confessions, indiscretions, and parental shortcomings selected by Mommyish editors. Under this unanimous byline, readers can share their own stories, secrets, and moments of weakness with complete anonymity.

My conversations with my husband are either about business, or they consist of me expressing my desire for a date, time alone with him, or even time by myself so I can work on some other things. I’m always with the kids and yes, I am one of those moms who feels like I have lost myself in the process.

When I say I want a date, and by date I don’t mean arranging it myself and putting it on his calendar, I want him to show me I am worth the effort and to take on arranging it himself and sweeping me away.

Apparently expressing these feelings is a guilt trip. Guilt trips don’t serve me well as they don’t end up in anything. My needs feel dismissed and like they are a very low priority. So I’m sitting home by myself writing this anonymous mom blog post, wishing I had a boyfriend.

Twice in the early part of this week, when pursuing some physical activity with my husband, at least once I was the one sneaking into his side of the bed. Something not exactly common with our three kids sharing the house with us. The day after these two days he even texted me asking if we were going to go for three days. I loved this flirting in advance and responded in an enthusiastic manner, though we ended up just passing out that night.

Now I am totally having one of those days. Hell weekends I guess I should say.

Last Thursday I saw my counselor and then when I walked by a spa on my way to my car, I went to get my bikini line waxed. It was one of the rare days the kids were with someone else and I was really excited to “surprise” my husband with my trimmed coiffe. I was late to   a meeting that I was expecting him to be at (he was going to be alone too), because our third partner was not feeling well. I was trying to be thoughtful and loving and got the both of us tea, something he usually appreciates. I sat down to get a little work done while I waited.

As I typed away I glanced down at the clock on my screen. The time was getting closer and closer to when I had to be back home for the kids. It was confirmed that he wasn’t going to make it so I grabbed our tea and headed back out to drive home. I texted him to let him know if he wanted his tea it was in the car (again hoping he would appreciate that I thought of him) though he wasn’t interested in tea. He was walking home at this point and probably needed something more cool and refreshing I guess.

Saturday afternoon when we came home from a few errands, I thought it would be clever to sneak into a pair of his pajama pants so I could joke about “getting into his pants.” When I said it though it wasn’t the right time. He was talking on the phone and did a sort of half-hearted acknowledgement even though he didn’t really get what I was saying. I clarified later and he flat out didn’t seem to care.

So this morning we had a few unexpected free hours. We usually go to the earlier religious service and we didn’t get up in time. Expecting our daughter to be home soon, we didn’t go to the later one either. When talking about what we could do, I expressed that I’d love to go out to breakfast. He said no, because we have bacon, sausage, and eggs here. I wanted some juice and so soon after I went to the store and got some.

While at the store I saw a few couples — one older couple who got some coffee together and had a lot of fun chatting up the people at Starbucks, and a few younger ones who seemed to be just enraptured with each other. My eyes started to fill as I thought about my situation. How really all I wanted was to be dating someone, or rather, I really wish that I had someone who wanted to date me.

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  • Blueathena623

    Ugh, I know how you feel. While never very romantic, since the birth of our son a little over a year ago, romance has gone out the window. I’ve expressed what I consider romantic, and try to do what I can to foster it, but nada. My husband accuses me of wanting a fairy-tale prince or a movie -drama romance and can’t seem to understand that my requests are not asking too much, since the vast majority of them involve the common courtesy you’d give a stranger. Say hello and goodbye to me. At least once a week, ask me something about me. Even “how are you feeling today” would suffice (and no, asking “what did you two (me and the baby) do today?” doesn’t count.) Give me an unsolicited commplement twice a month. Basically do something, anything, to distinguishing me as your wife instead of a live in nanny for your kid.
    And yes, we are starting counseling as soon as I finish grad school in a month.

    • Blooming_Babies

      That’s really sad, both your story and anonymous… Makes me appreciate my husband for sure. Best of luck to you, I hope you find a therapist that you both feel good about.

    • 123youdon’tknowme

      Blooming_Babies… you are completely fucking insensitive!

  • chickadee

    It sounds like you guys are having trouble communicating your needs to each other. While you mention seeing a therapist, I assume it isn’t couples therapy. I suggest consulting one, since having a third party mediate a discussion about your romantic life can head off accusations about guilt trips and neglect.

    • Ordinaryperson

      Yea, it does sound like a communication issue. The things she’s missing don’t even seem like big things, she shouldn’t feel guilty to want them back, everyone wants to feel wanted.

  • Daisy

    I am so sorry; that sounds really tough <3 Hugs! And I hope things work out for you!

  • rebecca eckler

    You need to read my book, “How to Raise a Boyfriend…or any other man in your life.” Men are, sorry, quite stupid when it comes to knowing what you want, no matter how much you communicate or try. They are not mind readers. You really have to “raise” them. You don’t need a boyfriend. You need a husband who treats you with respect and common manners. Also, in the process of writing the book, I interviewed a lot of my exes to see what I had done wrong in the relationships. I learned a lot about myself, that’s for sure. If you send me your address to, I’ll send you a copy. On me!

    • Jane

      This sounds incredibly disrespectful of men. I wouldn’t like it at all if my partner thought I needed to be “raised”. Also, “men are, sorry, quite stupid…” That’s definitely not correct. My husband and the husbands of my friends are respectful partners and strive to communicate clearly. I do agree she needs a husband who treats her with respect and common manners. But that won’t happen if she is coming from a place that smacks of such disrespect. This isn’t a matter of training him or “raising” him. Eww.

    • Victoria

      Agreed. If your partner has to be treated/trained/raised as if they were your child, something’s wrong.

    • Paul White

      If you just equated not being a mind reader to being stupid about reading your partner, then you’ve got some issues….

    • Blooming_Babies

      I have to agree that men are mostly hopeless at getting it right when it comes to women. Men are really not at fault, they need help.

    • Victoria

      It’s a relationship, not a math test. Women don’t ‘get it right’ all the time either. That’s why the communication. Infantilizing men… “Bless their hopeless little hearts”… is condescending. I wouldn’t want my husband to say that about me…”she doesn’t really ‘get it right’, but it’s not really fault. She can’t help it. I just need to train her to be -insert need here-.”

    • Blooming_Babies

      I don’t condescend or infantilize to my husband, but men need help to understand women. They are generally wholly different creatures and if you don’t act in a clear rational way they are likely to be very confused. How many women in relationships do you know that act like men? I don’t know any.

    • Victoria

      Hm. I like to think of us both as rational, even if one of us is feeling emotional as well. And if one of us is emotional (give him a few beers and turn on “Platoon” and watch the waterworks), then we can still communicate. He’s not spinning in circles helplessly like the dumb husband you see in the commercials, desperately wishing he knew what to do, while I gibber and sob in the bathroom. I think I just object to the idea of “training” your partner. Things work out with time and effort…we’re adults, no one’s a naughty puppy or child.

    • Justme

      But sitting down and saying “when X happens, I react this way because of Y and this is what I need from you as a partner” is probably going to go over a whole lot better than being condescending.

    • Violet

      “They are generally wholly different creatures”…Not true. Look at any recent study on sex differences, and you’ll see that there is much, much more overlap than difference on any given personality trait, including listening, empathy, emotional awareness, etc.

    • Tea

      Women don’t get it perfect either. I’ve been in relationships with both, and they each have their own, common problems.

    • Blooming_Babies

      Agreed, I have also been on both sides and it’s complicated. Expecting your partner to “get it” is often more than not a failing principle. We need help to understand each other. Homosocial relationships are easier though, as a general rule, because the experience of being a woman is so different than that of a man.

    • jessica

      I don’t usually like to do the whole “men are like this and women are like that” thing but I do see your point. Personally, I notice that my husband has a harder time understanding where I am coming from than my ex did. I’m not interested in getting in to the details because I’m uncomfortable sharing that but I do often wonder if the fact that my ex was raised by a single mom with 3 younger sisters has something to do with it. My husband on the hand has only brothers and isn’t the type of guy to have female friends or associate too much with women on a social level. My husband also works the type of job where it is just him and a whole lot of other men around the “office”, aside from a lone female dispatcher. It makes me wonder if less exposure and experience with women might have something to do with his inability to understand me and my point of view. I mean, he simply couldn’t wrap his head around the idea that I, a woman, might have some concerns about the whole pregnancy/childbirth experience. He seemed to assume that as a lady I’d think the whole thing was just a giant beautiful miracle.

    • LiteBrite

      My husband is the same way. He grew up with brothers, was nerdy and introverted (still is actually), went to a technical school that was pretty much all men, and has spent 25 years in a primarily male-dominated career field. To say he hasn’t had a lot of experience with women is an understatement. That’s not to say though that’s he’s a complete clod when it comes to understanding me – he’s actually wonderfully warm and sensitive once you get to know him – but he’s not an overly effusive, wear-your-heart-on-your-sleeve kind of guy. He doesn’t seem to get subtle hints, but when when I’ve just come out and said what I need he’s pretty receptive.

      From what friends of mine have said, their husbands aren’t that different. I think men in general think differently than women (or maybe it’s just the ones I know) and too many women, I think, make the mistake of thinking men are “dumb” when really it’s just a different way of processing information.

    • Tea

      There are two men in my relationship, and while we aren’t quite as open as most ladies I know, to call men “stupid” when it comes to knowing what you want is frankly an insult. We may not be mind readers, but to say that we won’t get it no matter how much you communicate is one seriously rude swipe. I’m married to a polite, considerate, but still masculine man, and if anything, I can sometimes be the aloof one. But I never go a day without a kiss, an I love you, or any simple gesture of love and kindness, and we both make an effort to tune in to what the other needs, even if it doesn’t come naturally. We try, we understand each other, we sometimes have communication slip-ups, but who doesn’t. I still can’t read his mind. He can’t read mine, and we don’t expect each other to, and we both make an effort to aid the other.

      Most of us handle things well, especially if you don’t beat around the bush, and if your partner is straight up ignoring your blatant requests, then it’s time for a long talk or therapy, because that’s not just “Being a man,” That’s being a disrespectful ass. We don’t need “Raising” or “Training,” We need respect, and sometimes we need a little firmness, but men aren’t pets or babies.

    • CrazyFor Kate

      Actually, I think it’s mostly people not communicating with people. We’re all emotionally stupid. Don’t make it a gender thing.

    • Frances Bean

      I was thinking this too. The way she talks sounds more flippant though, I don’t think she actually thinks that women are smarter than men. Her book is just geared towards heterosexual women.

    • Gangle

      I understand what you are saying, Rebecca, but I wouldn’t exactly use your words. I am married to the most unromantic man who ever lived. I am not exaggerating. He is incredibly loya, honest, and his first priority in life is our marriage, but he is not exactly the most sensitive chap. He isn’t stupid, he just doesn’t get it. I basically had to bash him on the head with a list of what I needed and expected from him in the romance/smooshy love department.

      I literally tell him: I need cuddles, public hand-holding, dates and for you to stroke my ego regularly with compliments on my physical appearance. You cannot leave the house without kissing me good bye. I do this, because if I didn’t, he would float happily through life without these things happening and not realise that I want to stab his eyes out with a spoon from frustration.

      He still isn’t the definition of Prince Charming, but he isn’t such a bad old stick. On the odd occasion he will even knock my socks off by actually remembering valentines day and get me some flowers.

    • Sara

      Rebecca, no disrespect intended, but I’ve actually read big chunks of your book for fun, although admittedly not the whole thing, and if I had followed your advice, my husband and I would probably be divorced now. Manipulating, withholding sex and affection, and cajoling may work for some men, but for pretty much all that I know, including my husband, those actions are not only ineffective but deeply off-putting. You’d be surprised at how far you can get by simply being direct and
      communicating your needs in an evenhanded, rational, non-emotional way.

      I would argue that if you HAVE to resort to petty, juvenile, deceptive tactics to “get” your man to do what you want, it’s probably a good sign that you’re just not compatible in the first place.

      Normally I wouldn’t have made a comment like this unsolicited, but I find it frankly unbelievable that you felt it would be appropriate to take to the comments section of another person’s column to plug your book. That takes a lot of chutzpah, if nothing else.

    • Gangle

      Oh gosh, yes! I think if I tried to manipulate and/or use sex etc to blackmail my husband over anything, I wouldn’t even stick around for the fight that would ensue. I would just pack my own bag and leave, and wait for the divorce papers to arrive in the mail.

      I hadn’t read her book, I would never ever think that sort of tactic would work on anyone for anything. Sex and affection are not weapons, and shouldn’t be used as such.

      I agree with you, simple open communication. Anything else is kind of oogy.

    • Christine Harrelson

      Right on! I call that the “Cosmo” way of having a relationship. If you cannot handle things directly with a partner and be honest about feelings, what you want, what you need, and how you want them and the other person does not respond, resorting to manipulation is immature and cruel. Find someone who is capable of compassion (and hopefully you are, too) and be done with it.

    • Amber

      Men aren’t stupid. Maybe you married a stupid man who needs to be raised like a child but I didn’t.

  • moReLu

    I feel like this all of the time too. Being direct seems to have no effect.

  • Madame Ovaries

    I could be assuming this, but the author seems to not be putting her needs bluntly enough to her husband. “You don’t do the things you did when we were first together, like, ever, and it isn’t working for me.” It sounds like she istrying to be subtle and cute but that is clearly not working for her.

  • meteor_echo

    The only thing you can do that will help is sitting him down and telling him how you feel – maybe even harshly, and not letting him go until you make sure that he listens to you and understands you. I know how it feels, to be unable to communicate something as “fickle” (it’s 6 am here, I can’t pick a more proper word) as emotions, but, if you want to have a chance to get all the romance back with this same man, it’s the only thing you can do.
    I hope you will be able to communicate with him! :)

  • heather

    This sounds like a communication issue. ideally, we all want our partner to just know what we want or need without having to be told. how many arguments include the phrase “you should KNOW what you did wrong!!!” sometimes people do need to be told. some people, regardless of gender, are better or worse others at reading between the lines or seeing social cues.

    while i think your husband should be more in tune to your attempts at romance, you should be in tune as well. when he dismissed going out to breakfast, maybe what he was really saying was that he wanted to enjoy a lazy morning at home with you before your daughter got home. you cant be expected to automatically know this, of course… just as he cant automatically know what you mean by wanting a date.

    maybe you could figure out a time each week when you are free of kid or work duties, even if for a few hours. maybe Sunday mornings, or you could get a sitter for a few hours on a Friday night if you are comfortable with that and can afford it, or whenever it works for you. designate at as you and him time, and take turns with who plans what you do during that time. you can both get chance to surprise each other.

    the most important thing is talking about it. sometimes everyday life and routine has a sneaky habit of getting in the way. if you talk about it in a positive way… ie “we’ve both been so busy lately and i miss you… how about we make saturday nights date night” then changes for the better can happen more easily than you might think. if you just let it be and try to accept an unhappy situation, or come at it in an accusatory way, then the results might not be as good.

  • Sara

    I agree with the others who have said that this sounds like a communication issue. Some men DO need you to just be very direct with them; my husband is one of them. I’ve learned that being passive-aggressive, hinting, etc. absolutely do not work and if there’s something I need or want from him, I just tell him, point-blank.

    What I hear from this article is that you feel unappreciated, and my advice would be to sit your husband down, at a time when a) the kids aren’t running around, b) neither of you is stressed and exhausted, and c) you’re not feeling emotionally worked up about this, and calmly tell him exactly what you need from the relationship. That might go a lot farther toward fixing the problem than you’d think. I’m also a big fan of marital counseling, if it comes to that. My girlfriend was on the verge of leaving her husband, and he finally agreed to go to counseling when he realized that the alternative was losing her. Their marriage isn’t perfect and it probably never will be, but it’s a whole hell of a lot better than it was and I haven’t heard her talk about leaving him in a long time.

  • LoveyDovey

    I was about to launch into a rant that probably shouldn’t go here, but I just want to say- I get it. Even being direct with my husband doesn’t always seem to get it across to him, some people are just. . . for lack of a better term, self-centered, in that because they’re not experiencing the issue the way you are, they don’t think there *is* an issue.

    I’m pretty much isolated since we just moved here, he’s a soldier so he’s pretty busy, we have one car and I’m home all day with two small kids.

    Sorry, it’s been one of those days for me. But this was rather timely.

    • Frances Bean

      I know exactly what you are saying. My ex-husband was like that, he had zero empathy. If he couldn’t relate then he didn’t see the issue. Some people are just asshats, I just hope this isn’t the case for the author of this piece.

      Sorry for your troubles. I wish it could say it gets better as the kids get older but my first marriage ended in flames. He never changed. I hope your husband can get with the program before you get as fed up as I got. *hugs* If you ever need someone to chat with feel free to shoot me an email at

  • Sabrina

    Wow, I was feeling overwhelmed myself tonight, and guilty for being in a bad mood because I miss “the way we used to be,” so I thought I’d google “dating your husband after having a baby.” I didn’t really realize so many people feel the same way I do. My daughter is 2 1/2 years old, and the only time I have even been alone with my husband since she was born, was a 20 minute trip to the store several months ago. How many kids do you have, and has it been like this since your first was born? I don’t think I could stand it going on that long. I am near my limit now. I have told my husband repeatedly that I would like some time alone with him, and I was clear that I didn’t mean alone in the sense that she is napping in the other room. We live 12 hours from any family members, so he likes to use the excuse that he doesn’t feel comfortable leaving her with anyone, and he doesn’t want to miss anything. Meanwhile, I sit here typing this while he is at a friend’s birthday party, and I have to work the next 2 days. Not sure what good typing about this will do, but perhaps I will feel better in the morning having gotten it off my chest.

    • Frances Bean

      My advice would be to find a babysitter you trust, even if it’s only once a month for a movie and dinner. If you don’t have friends in the area to give recommendations then there are great sites like that can help and they even do the background checks in some cases! I think Angie’s List has sitters too.

      Also, I discovered that when I need alone time or time away I have to force the issue or it will never happen (which is something my husband is better at that I am). I have to make the plans, but the tickets (either for us both or just me) and when he brings up possible issues (like your husband with the whole not trusting someone else thing) work it out so we both feel comfortable.

    • Emmali Lucia

      That’s awful. I hope you have time out with the girls every now and then.

      “Oh honey, we can’t have alone time, I don’t want to miss a thing, by the way, going out to party with my bros, see ya later!”

  • WiseGirl

    I really don´t agree with the ones that blame this woman for not communicating properly… Come on!!! She has tried, and tried, and tried once more. She is unhappy, and I can see why: she is expecting something from this man he doesn´t want to or can´t give her. I know this may sound a little too much but my piece of advice after being through something similar and facing the worst divorce ever is: don´t wait, honey! Life is too short. Find yourself a new way of being happy, and wait no more. This guy won´t change, what happens in real life is that they only get more and more selfish and you will only make yourself more and more miserable if you keep on living that way. No man on earth deserves this, because we deserve to be happy!

  • Chaïs Navneëv

    Wow people are so blind nowadays. They want to extract their happiness from the other party like they are zipping a cocktail. It doesn’t work that way and it certainly won’t motivate the other party ‘the husband’ in the case, to make a move. If they can make a move at all that is.

    The article says so itself: I want attention, I want to go on a date.. but I do not want to arrange it and it has to be like this and like that. It actually says: I need confirmation, please help me. Please help me feel better. Funny thing is, no one can make you feel happy if you are not truly happy on the inside and you turn to your partner to make you feel better. Because he should. He must, because you deserve it. Quite egocentric.

    In a relationship you do not ask. You do not request. You give and receive. Do you want a date, take the bloody effort and take your partner on a date. This has many benefits instead of waiting for your partner to take you on a date.
    1 you can decide where you want to go.
    2 it shows you want to have a good time with your partner.
    3 After a date he will know what you like, this makes it easier for him to arrange something the next time. It won’t be a worrysome project to him anymore.
    4 If your partner had a good time the idea of having a date will now pop up in his mind as well every now and then

    It’s not strange to want fairy-tales, but if you want them to happen you have to climb the horse and be princess charming yourself. Give and do not want anything in return.
    You will be surprised by the things that will follow!

    • Leigha7

      I don’t think you get the point. She doesn’t want to go out on a date because she wants to go someplace, she wants HIM to want to take her out because she wants to feel worth the effort. If she plans date night after date night for them and he never bothers to plan one himself, how is her planning more going to help more than flat out telling him how she feels would?

      It’s not egocentric to want your spouse to make the effort to show you some affection for once, instead of always having to be the one to take the initiative. And what the heck is “in a relationship you do not ask” supposed to mean? If you want something, ask. That’s how humans communicate.

    • RooJam

      Um… I’ve been married for 20 years. Have 2 teens. I know my husband knows what I like, what I like to do, where I like to go, etc. The point the writer makes above is simple: I want you to WANT to KNOW me better. I cannot make my husband WANT to do anything… he just doesn’t WANT or DESIRE to go places with me. He would rather stay at home – usually because he has his own agenda. For our 20th Anniversary… I made it quite clear that I did NOT make dinner because I wanted for us to go out to the movies and a nice dinner. He completely forgot and said, “Oh, I just wanted to stay home and have a nice dinner”. He went to the store to buy some nice steaks and I had to make dinner. Yeah… I take the efforts and he says I give him a guilt trip when I ask to go “out”. It So NOT a fairy-tale!!

  • C. Greene

    All the communication in the world doesn’t work if he doesn’t love you anymore…and by love you, I mean, get excited about you and want to do nice things for you, make time to see how you’re doing, and jump your bones every now and then. Believe me, he’s a man and thinking about it or doing it somewhere else. My ex-husband was never the planner, but he hunted me down when dating because I was his thrill. Once married, never the chaser, gifts were an apology, and sex was his husbandly duty. After separation he chased everything that gave him that spontaneous thrill. After divorce, only called when his new challenge didn’t have time for him. I was not gonna be his other woman, even though he knew I was a GOOD woman. We never had kids, so his excuse was always being tired from work. Your story is not good! A boyfriend in your husband is not only fun, but keeps the excitement in the relationship. Ask him for a date night. Explain you need a night to explore some pent up, sorely needed frolicking. Suggest some ideas. Make a calendar of once a month couples time. Ask him if he had one freaky wish from you, what would it be. Get him fantasizing about you. Do a quick hotel bout while the kids are at school, or a quickie in the bathroom. Men hate “the talk” so if you make it a problem, he’ll move the other way. For the flat out expression, ask him if he needs a blow job right now. That ought to blow his mind. If it works, while he’s still feeling the euphoria. tell him if he gets you some new lingerie, you’ll do better than that!

    • Selene R

      God, that was so lame.

  • me

    I can completely understand. My husband sleeps on the couch b/c my 6 month old is in our room and is so noisy he can’t sleep. He does have a super important job, so I understand, but basically i feel like we’re roommates.

  • Heather

    I know exactly how you husband and I have been married for five years but even early on into our relationship when we were just was never just him and I..he always had to drag his aunt with us from out of town which always left me feeling like the third wheel because they are both from Israel and speak Arabic to each other and obviously, their customs are different from ours here in the States..they would walk closely to each other and would sometimes hold hands. I had come up to me and ask me what I was to them..since she has been gone, I finally kicked her out of my house in 2011, we never go out and do anything fun anymore and if we do we drag our three kids with us and then going out begins to feel like a chore. My ideal date would getting a decent hotel room, just him and I, to spend a few hours by ourselves. My entire life is beginning to feel like a chore


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  • lonely & bored

    You spelled out exactly what my brain has been screaming. I love my husband, but I really, REALLY, need a boyfriend. A man who wants to spend time with me, be seen with me, have fun with me.

  • depress

    I only have had 5 dates in 10 years!! I am only 31 years old and I cant describe how sad and incomplete this marriage has been, when I ask him to take me for a date or have more sex, his answer usually is “You are not asking me the right way” or “You are not being patient enough” He is also not having erections! Im surprise for a 33 man… Honestly I thought he was having an affair, which I have ask him, his answer is no. I wish he is, because he is ether gay or a manipulative macho man…. I am so sad, and very depressed, I am an attractive woman, and honestly don’t feel like Im in the position to be begging, and I really dont feel I am asking for much… I think this marriage is getting to an end, and he just doesn’t give a crap…