Anonymous Mom is a weekly column of motherhood confessions, indiscretions, and parental shortcomings selected by Mommyish editors. Under this unanimous byline, readers can share their own stories, secrets, and moments of weakness with complete anonymity.
My conversations with my husband are either about business, or they consist of me expressing my desire for a date, time alone with him, or even time by myself so I can work on some other things. I’m always with the kids and yes, I am one of those moms who feels like I have lost myself in the process.
When I say I want a date, and by date I don’t mean arranging it myself and putting it on his calendar, I want him to show me I am worth the effort and to take on arranging it himself and sweeping me away.
Apparently expressing these feelings is a guilt trip. Guilt trips don’t serve me well as they don’t end up in anything. My needs feel dismissed and like they are a very low priority. So I’m sitting home by myself writing this anonymous mom blog post, wishing I had a boyfriend.
Twice in the early part of this week, when pursuing some physical activity with my husband, at least once I was the one sneaking into his side of the bed. Something not exactly common with our three kids sharing the house with us. The day after these two days he even texted me asking if we were going to go for three days. I loved this flirting in advance and responded in an enthusiastic manner, though we ended up just passing out that night.
Now I am totally having one of those days. Hell weekends I guess I should say.
Last Thursday I saw my counselor and then when I walked by a spa on my way to my car, I went to get my bikini line waxed. It was one of the rare days the kids were with someone else and I was really excited to “surprise” my husband with my trimmed coiffe. I was late to a meeting that I was expecting him to be at (he was going to be alone too), because our third partner was not feeling well. I was trying to be thoughtful and loving and got the both of us tea, something he usually appreciates. I sat down to get a little work done while I waited.
As I typed away I glanced down at the clock on my screen. The time was getting closer and closer to when I had to be back home for the kids. It was confirmed that he wasn’t going to make it so I grabbed our tea and headed back out to drive home. I texted him to let him know if he wanted his tea it was in the car (again hoping he would appreciate that I thought of him) though he wasn’t interested in tea. He was walking home at this point and probably needed something more cool and refreshing I guess.
Saturday afternoon when we came home from a few errands, I thought it would be clever to sneak into a pair of his pajama pants so I could joke about “getting into his pants.” When I said it though it wasn’t the right time. He was talking on the phone and did a sort of half-hearted acknowledgement even though he didn’t really get what I was saying. I clarified later and he flat out didn’t seem to care.
So this morning we had a few unexpected free hours. We usually go to the earlier religious service and we didn’t get up in time. Expecting our daughter to be home soon, we didn’t go to the later one either. When talking about what we could do, I expressed that I’d love to go out to breakfast. He said no, because we have bacon, sausage, and eggs here. I wanted some juice and so soon after I went to the store and got some.
While at the store I saw a few couples — one older couple who got some coffee together and had a lot of fun chatting up the people at Starbucks, and a few younger ones who seemed to be just enraptured with each other. My eyes started to fill as I thought about my situation. How really all I wanted was to be dating someone, or rather, I really wish that I had someone who wanted to date me.
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