• Wed, Mar 20 - 11:00 am ET

The ‘Mommy Wars’ Don’t Exist

shutterstock_50928265The “Mommy Wars” is a ridiculous label. I try to ignore labels that start with “mommy.” Inevitably, they are meant to be condescending and insulting. This opinion isn’t the result of any scientific research or anything – it’s just the conclusion that I have come to in my own, online life. Often times, when someone insults me online – they throw in “mommy” for good measure. It’s weird.

Since I began writing about motherhood – I have been attacked plenty. I’m not complaining. I think anyone who puts words on the Internet should be ready to be attacked occasionally. We don’t all agree on everything all the time – and I’m fine with that. I just think it’s hilarious that every time a group of women disagree with each other, and those women happen to be mothers – it’s coined a “mommy war.”

As if every woman in the world that has grown a human has something in common. By that line of reasoning, we should all have something in common because we live and breathe. It doesn’t work that way. Just because someone is a mother, doesn’t mean she’s going to be exempt from the judgement of other mothers – quite the contrary, actually.

I get paid to have an opinion about issues that mothers may be interested in. I guess that sort of puts me in the hot seat. I can’t write a post about attachment parenting, Lenore Skenazy, or a celebrity mother without inserting an “angle.” I guess my angle could be “to each her own” every, single, time – but that’s just not how I think. I don’t see anything wrong with women disagreeing about how to raise their children.  I don’t see anything wrong with women not being polite to each other all the time.

When the term first surfaced, it spoke to the demands of mothers in the workforce – especially those in demanding positions – who were forced to juggle work and home life. The term was first used in the 1980′s in Child Magazine, to describe the tensions that existed between those mothers who went back to work and those who chose to stay at home. So yes, it was literally created by the media. Now it’s a myth perpetuated by it – just thrown around flippantly whenever mothers debate about anything.

1 2 next  next
You can reach this post's author, Maria Guido, on twitter.
Share This Post:
Related Topics: Childrearing • • •
  • Cee

    To me, I think the term mommy war comes to mind when women get downright catty and self righteous about things other women do in their home (bottle feeding/breast feeding, co sleeping, crying it out, working mothers…so on). I think people condescendingly use it because from an outsiders perspective some of its aspects are completely eye roll inducing. I mean, opinions about these subjects matter. Like you, I’m uncomfortable with a few methods of parenting, I don’t like that mommy blogs sometimes seem to have great disdain for teachers, doctors and the childfree, and I find it very dangerous when women post birth stories in a way that seems to push women to choose the same birth plan they did which may risk their own health, however, talking about parenting issues is important. I just have never witnessed a bunch of people (sadly, mainly women) fight so much over things that do not affect them. Go to any blog that is not entirely dedicated to parenting.. track the comment section of the ONE post they make about parenting. It generates more comments than any other thing and usually its pretty petty stuff that seems to belong on STFUParents.
    Yes, women have passionate opinions, but I feel there should be some modicum of respect for each other. NOT because we are women and women should behave a certain way. Its because we are people and we should behave a certain way. Yes, there are many blogs with equally nasty fights, but, we are people verified to have some sort of relationship with children and it is scary to think that the way you treat complete strangers online over nothing is a reflection on how you are around children who we will at some point, encounter. Will they be just as intolerant about something in life that does not affect them?

    • Scoop007

      That is exactly what I was going to say. To me, mommy wars is less a description of mother’s who disagree and more a description of mothers who believe so strongly that they are right about an issue they will knife anyone who dares to disagree.

    • ali

      Well said.

  • Justme

    The Mommy Wars don’t exist? Well crap. What am I going to do with my arsenal of diapers, vaccinations, bottles and Baby Wise books? And don’t forget about the chariot I fashioned out of the stroller….

  • http://twitter.com/carinnjade Carinn Jade

    Maria, you and I have a different opinion on many of these parenting topics (especially the TV struggle, I happily let my kids watch as many hours as they will sit through while I write), but I could not agree with you more about the whole point of this piece. How could every “mother” agree on anything? It’s insane. They aren’t wars, they are just differences in opinions. I also think if we left the kids at home and grabbed a drink, we’d have a lot in common. Loved this.

    • bb

      Agreed, however it’s the way the differences in opinion are expressed that bother me the most. It’s so black and white, and some moms are entirely too smug and sanctimonious about their choices. I’ve seen people “un-friended” over small differences in parenting.

    • http://twitter.com/carinnjade Carinn Jade

      You don’t have to tell me! I’ve been told off, unfollowed and blocked on Twitter! But I don’t think it’s a “mommy” problem. These are complicated, possibly small-minded (?) people who maybe can’t handle an opinion that is different from theirs. I suspect they might feel that way if we disagreed about religion or politics as well, you know?

  • jsterling93

    As a woman getting ready to give birth I do feel I have been caught in the cross fire of the “wars”. I have been verbally attacked for making decisions other women don’t agree with. I’ve been called selfish for planning to go back to work and to not breastfeed. Told I’m going to harm my child because I believe in vaccinating. IT is one thing for people to have different opinions but when it comes to berating each other it is in fact a war.

    • whiteroses

      The most important thing you’ll learn as new mom (and I’m still in the throes of this myself) is to tell people that ultimately, the decisions you make on your child’s behalf are none of their business. I try very hard not to participate in the mommy wars because people can give me opinions- but they don’t know my son the way I do. As long as a child isn’t being abused or neglected, it’s not my business.

    • Cassy C.

      ^^ THIS!

    • ratiomom

      Exactly. Becoming a mother is getting in charge. Who are these people who criticise you? If they are family members, they’ll need a strong reminder that you and your partner are the ones making the decisions for this kid and that you’ll ask for their opinion if you need it.
      If they are ‘friends’, distance yourself from them. Someone who calls you selfish for not breastfeeding or working is not your friend, and bending over backwards to please them will not improve your life in any way.

    • whiteroses

      Also- as far as vaccinations go, feel free to explain to whoever is criticizing you for it that you fully intend to take advantage of modern medicine. If they want to let their child die of measles or whooping cough, then that’s their business. A working mom is still just as much a mom as a stay at home mom is, and to be honest, some women need to do work to keep their sanity. Breastfeeding is hard, and it hurts, and if you don’t want to do it then it is what it is. Thousands of children (my own included) not only survive but thrive on formula.

  • ali

    Just because we don’t all have to like each other, and of course we won’t, doesn’t mean we all have to judge each other. That’s the part I don’t understand. You said your kid watches tv, so if I didn’t agree with that then I should bombard you with reasons why and sarcastic witty remarks to make you feel like you made a shitty choice as a parent? I don’t think so. However you want to parent, do it. I don’t care, and I don’t think anyone should care about how I parent. Leave the judgements in your own head if you really must. Why are we so damn nosy anyway? What does it matter if one mom breastfeeds and another bottle feeds, at the end of the day it really doesn’t. I think we can all agree that there is no one set way to parent. We’re all different and we all parent differently. So what! The whole mommy wars thing is ridiculous, and like I said..while I understand we can’t and shouldn’t all want to hug each other and tell each other how awesome our vaginas are for birthing such miracles; stop judging so much. Don’t we all have enough to think about other than what some mom we don’t know is doing with her kids? I for one am far more interested in what Kimye is naming their baby. North? South? Which direction will it be?

  • Blueathena623

    I think the word mommy is used in a condescending manner in many cases. I don’t know why it’s wrong to be a mom, but I think by calling it mommy wars, its to show that its not as important as other discussions. If you go to teaching Internet boards you’ll see tons of disagreements, but those aren’t called teaching wars.

    • Victoria

      Interesting point.

  • Edify

    Your comments about prefacing a term with Mom(my) to be condescending and disparaging is one of the key things that bothers me about another columnist on this site.
    I really enjoy reading the crazy submissions that are sent to STFU parents but Im unsettled by the fact that most of the disparaging terms in the content and comments are based on Mom. For instance, mombie, sanctimommy, mommyjacking, and mama drama. Yes, I accept it maybe that moms are more likely to “over share” on social media, particularly if its one of their few outlets for daily adult interaction, but plenty of dads take on those characteristics both online and in real life. If we mock them under the same terms, we tend to leave the mommy reference attached which is meant to be doubly insulting.
    I don’t get it. Why are we allowing ourselves to use our gender and one if our many roles as an insult?

    • AP

      Because no one ever assumes that “Daddy” encapsulates a man’s entire personality and being. “Daddy” wears many hats. “Mommy” is expected to always be wearing her Mom Apron, even if she’s in a designer dress on a different continent from her kid.

  • Anonymous

    I feel the same way about “mommy wars” as I do about “cat fights”. They really just don’t exist in your life until you allow them to in your head. It’s a way to once again paint women as petty, mean, and judgmental as if we, as a gender, have cornered the market on behaving badly. What is more ridiculous than these gendered over-generalizations is that women actually internalize a mere writing device…as if other moms are actually out to get you! Most mothers I know are just trying to get through the day and to figure it all out before junior gets run over by a car or a tattoo of a roaring lion on their face. There is nothing about being a woman or becoming a mom that makes you more judgmental, and the idea that we have our own special “wars” is absurd. Judgmental moms are just judgmental people with offspring. Both men and women, parent or child free, can be petty, mean, and judgmental. If your mother had something unkind to say about your first boyfriend, choice of prom dress or major in college then she’s probably going to have the same sort of disapproval about how you are raising your children. Same with that weird guy at your work, your typical bad friend or the old lady at church. Put distance between the toxic people in your life, make room for more support, and simply tell people to shut up once a while, and we can all have a truce with a group of people we haven’t actually been fighting with in the first place.

  • CW

    Dads don’t have petty fights with each other over their parenting choices. I doubt my hubby has any clue how his friends who are fellow dads feel about all the controversial issues. They sit around talking sports or current events or work or whatever rather than sniping at each other over how they raise their children.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jen-Clark/100000568225513 Jen Clark

    I’ve been caught in the “mommy wars” so many times with everything from not being able to breastfeed, to having a c-section, to my child being off of pacifiers at 5 months old, and not being able to cook 5 star meals, being a reptile hobbyist, an avid gamer and not being married, and occasionally needing help -gasp- that one seems to be the worst. Actually, with all the comments I’ve received, if I added them all up, I’d be the very epitome of failure, terrible mother, and not a real women, since 20 year old women apparently don’t like icky things such as games and reptiles and are all married, and real women don’t have interest and hobbies outside of children. My own boyfriend even tries to drag me into the wars, with the whole, my sister can hold 20 things at once, my sister can hold both her kids and clean at the same time, my sister can breastfeed and cook at the same time, my sister can so why can’t you? He thinks being a robot with 20+ arms with no needs whatsoever is part of being a mother. See the thing is, is his sister thinks children can die from sids at 4 years old, and encourages her kids bad behavior (like hitting my daughter and snatching food off of peoples plates) and is also twice my size, I’m 5ft and average 106lbs, no I can not carry 20 things at once, I need two hands to hold my 1 and a half year old daughter and our bags, I need two hands to clean, two hands to carry our laundry and two hands to cook. Judgmental moms and nosy men are just going to have to get over that fact. Especially those that have bitched at me for not being able to lift something 150 lbs, or for not being able to juggle my child in one hand, and 3 laundry baskets plus and entire kitchen and cleaning supplies in the other, I’m not superhuman and my sole purpose isn’t to be a cleaner and caretaker of men.

  • Pingback: The Mommy Wars Are All About Money