• Fri, Mar 15 2013

37 Things That Happen In The Day Of A Freelance Writing Toddler Mom

work at home moms

  1. You wake up to loud slam and briefly think someone is breaking in but realize it’s just your small child getting out of bed and finding somewhere to pee. Scream as she bursts through the bedroom door, climbs on top of you and stabs you in the eye no less than six times. Small child promptly falls asleep while drooling on your face. You do not.
  2. Realize you are being spooned so tightly that you can no longer breathe and that half your body is hanging off the bed. Gently roll sleeping child towards the center of the bed and hope she stays there.
  3. Wake up again because she is pressing her feet up against you so hard it seems like she’s trying to push you onto the floor (while simultaneously suffocating you). Shift uncomfortably. Get fed up and put her in her own bed.
  4. She’s back. Pull her into bed. Beg her to go to sleep while making at least six bribes, followed by 14 empty threats.
  5. Look at your partner sleeping peaceful, be furious and think that you are definitely going to yell at them when they wake up.
  6. Wonder what time it is and hope you actually drifted in and out of sleep so that you can maybe think straight in the morning. Annnd there’s the alarm, just as you’ve entered your REM cycle! Hit snooze four times even though you’re being head-butted pretty freaking hard.
  7. Stumble out of bed with one eye open. Locate middle of the night pee and do a mediocre job cleaning it up with a towel.
  8. Beg your toddler to get dressed while making at least three more empty threats. Say “no you cannot wear your bathing suit to school” no less than 12 times and commence yoga breathing techniques.
  9. Settle on an outfit that’s only sort of insane looking and tell yourself you don’t care what anyone thinks — your child is a creative genius.
  10. Give your partner a mean look when they ask you to make their lunch and start chugging coffee before anyone can say another word.

(photo:  Verevs / Shutterstock)

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  • Amanda Low

    Start making bizarre promises you won’t keep like “I’ll give you five million dollars and 27 blow jobs” if you go upstairs this time.

    Yes. This. All of this made me lol. :-)

  • Empower Network

    These are real funny and yes, they happen all the time.