work at home moms

  1. You wake up to loud slam and briefly think someone is breaking in but realize it’s just your small child getting out of bed and finding somewhere to pee. Scream as she bursts through the bedroom door, climbs on top of you and stabs you in the eye no less than six times. Small child promptly falls asleep while drooling on your face. You do not.
  2. Realize you are being spooned so tightly that you can no longer breathe and that half your body is hanging off the bed. Gently roll sleeping child towards the center of the bed and hope she stays there.
  3. Wake up again because she is pressing her feet up against you so hard it seems like she’s trying to push you onto the floor (while simultaneously suffocating you). Shift uncomfortably. Get fed up and put her in her own bed.
  4. She’s back. Pull her into bed. Beg her to go to sleep while making at least six bribes, followed by 14 empty threats.
  5. Look at your partner sleeping peaceful, be furious and think that you are definitely going to yell at them when they wake up.
  6. Wonder what time it is and hope you actually drifted in and out of sleep so that you can maybe think straight in the morning. Annnd there’s the alarm, just as you’ve entered your REM cycle! Hit snooze four times even though you’re being head-butted pretty freaking hard.
  7. Stumble out of bed with one eye open. Locate middle of the night pee and do a mediocre job cleaning it up with a towel.
  8. Beg your toddler to get dressed while making at least three more empty threats. Say “no you cannot wear your bathing suit to school” no less than 12 times and commence yoga breathing techniques.
  9. Settle on an outfit that’s only sort of insane looking and tell yourself you don’t care what anyone thinks — your child is a creative genius.
  10. Give your partner a mean look when they ask you to make their lunch and start chugging coffee before anyone can say another word.

(photo:  Verevs / Shutterstock)

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  1. Clean cereal milk off the table, booster seat, floor, and small child’s face. Go back upstairs to change her clothes.
  2. Realize we have to be out of the house in five minutes. Settle on an even more insane looking outfit and stuff flailing child’s arms into it. Think that toddlers should really just be allowed to come to preschool in their bathing suits.
  3. Brush child’s teeth while she turns the bathroom into a water park.  Pat everyone dry. Slip on a puddle but catch yourself on the shower curtain.
  4. Get in the car. Chat about where a bird is going, Christmas trees and how biting is bad.
  5. Miraculously arrive at preschool only five minutes late and give 17 hugs and 11 kisses before leaving the classroom.
  6. Get home and sit down at the computer. Promise yourself you will write something brilliant but then think you should really eat a black-bottom muffin first because if it’s from Whole Foods that means it’s healthy.
  7. Wonder how it’s time for preschool pick-up already and you forgot to shower. That makes three days in a row. FYL.
  8. Cringe as small child dumps so much sand from her boots into her car seat that you literally cannot believe it’s not just a box where sand used to be.
  9. Have a minor heart attack and almost crash the car when your child starts screaming bloody murder because her leg touched her other leg.

(photo: Brooke Becker / Shutterstock)

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  1. Irrationally hate anyone who has taken a nap in the last four years.
  2. Eat lunch then spend 20 minutes finding all the places where there is smeared peanut butter, including your hair, armpit and the inside of your dresser.
  3. Amp yourself up for the naptime battle that’s about to commence. Read books, potty, snuggle and creep out of the room. Hear bloodcurdling scream and go back in. Read books, potty, snuggle, creep. Repeat anywhere from three to 50 times.
  4. Start coming up with creative answers for “I need another book!” like, “the sleep monster ate them all because you wouldn’t go to sleep” and “mommy’s brain went bye-bye” which is completely not a lie at this point.
  5. Start praying a nap is coming soon because you’re about to start punching something or digging around for a cigarette.
  6. Do a happy dance because she’s finally asleep while you stare at a blank word doc and eat something else “healthy.”
  7. Be awoken to bloodcurdling scream again and think that you really should’ve worked out while she was napping.
  8. Go for a walk and talk more about birds and Santa and think it’s the best part of your day.
  9. Get home and let your child rip apart the first floor. Tell yourself you’re letting her be a free spirit while you sit and stare at the wall for four to seven minutes, maybe longer.
  10. Drive to pick partner up from work and try to convince toddler hat princesses can wear lots of colors besides pink and do way more stuff than “go to the ball” and “get married.”

(photo: Dan Kosmayer / Shutterstock)

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  1. Start making dinner while drinking your first glass of wine and try not to notice your partner and daughter trashing the entire house to an even more unrecognizable point.
  2. Make up creative names and superpowers for broccoli and kick the bribing into high gear.
  3. Clean up dinner and pour another glass of wine because the first one was really quite small.
  4. Read two books, give approximately 15 hugs, kisses, snuggles. Creep downstairs and be mad that your partner has their feet up and has been relaxing for 20 minutes because toddler only wants you.
  5. Start making bizarre promises you won’t keep like “I’ll give you five million dollars and 27 blow jobs” if you go upstairs this time.
  6. Turn on the show you recorded three weeks ago but haven’t had the chance to watch.
  7. Turn off the show and start tidying the house because your partner is snoring and you don’t want them to miss it.
  8. Decide to start writing but think you should really just go to bed and save your creative juices for tomorrow when, you know, you have more time.

(photo: Yeko Photo Studio / Shutterstock)