We’ve discussed parents’ yoonique baby name choices in this column several times before, but one thing we haven’t discussed is all the drama surrounding those choices. Did you know that baby name-stealing is a modern day tragedy of mammoth proportions? Well, it is. It’s a tragic epidemic that’s spiraling out of control. Hide yo names, hide yo wives, ’cause bitches be stealing. And if they’re not stealing, then they’re doing something else to anger parents, like mispronouncing little Jhykcen (pronounced “Jackson”) or Espn’s first names, or making up cute little nicknames for children that were NOT Parent Authorized. There’s more to today’s baby names than meets the eye.

Much like choices in education and healthcare reform, how we choose our children’s names is something that will influence them for their entire lives. What if some other Kherington Aliyaazana is out there in the world racking up trophies, huh? Then what? Babies and children have to rely on their individuality these days more than ever, and that’s why parents are so concerned with yooniqueness. It all makes perfect sense, if you really think about it (while drunk).

Here are several examples of parents who are far more obsessed with their children’s names than any generation of parents that came before:

1. Baby Name Stealing

STFU Parents

Helloooooooo people, wise up and recognize that Kayla isn’t dumb. She knows a name rip-off when she sees one, okay? Game recognize game. It’s like listening to a cover of a Coldplay song. You just know some things. At least in Leann’s case, she’ll give birth to her daughter Karlee wayy before some idiot can steal her baby name. Jerks.

2. Headstrong Name Stances

STFU Parents

Samantha fought for months on the front lines to keep her kid’s name “Joshua,” but she was still taken down by her archnemesis “Josh” instead. BLAHH. It’s like no one understands that some names shouldn’t be shortened, ever! And what’s a mother like Eva supposed to do to curb this behavior? Mail out hundreds of letterpress cards that specify exactly how she wants her child’s name to be said? Sky-write it over the jungle gym of a local park on a Saturday morning? Perhaps get the name and pronunciation tattoed on her arm as a nod to Angelina Jolie? Actually, ALL of these ideas will probably get utilized in the future. Mothers, you’re welcome.

3. Woe Is Mom

3. kayleigh

KayLeigh sounds really upset, which worries me because she’s already grown up with the hardship of having a name like KayLeigh. Now she’s got to deal with someone taking her baby name, too. It’s like life just keeps on throwing curveballs at her.

4. Repressed Baby Name Anger

STFU Parents

Sometimes you do everything you can do to make your child’s name specail and different, and someone just comes along and takes it. As if anyone has ever heard of the name “Eliana” before D. gave it to her daughter. RIGHT. Last time I checked, everyone KNOWS that just because the name has ranked in the top 500 since 2001, it’s still technically D.’s baby name first. D. came up with it when she was in grade school, okay? It’s called “premonition.” Look it up!

5. Name-Stealing Rules

5. stealing baby name

So, in case you guys didn’t catch what happened here, Ally’s baby name went from stolen to not stolen, but it was pretty frustrating for an hour or so, and that kind of needless stress is a real bummer. You just don’t steal names from people you know; that’s a fact. Steal “Zuma” from Gwen Stefani or “Little Grape” from Kate Middleton, but don’t take the name of someone you actually know. Geesh!! Humanity is a drag.

If you’re a fan of STFU, Parents, click here to pre-order the STFU, Parents book, out April 2nd! Buy it as a baby shower gift for your friends *and* your foes.