STFU Parents: Parents Who Freak Out About Baby Names On Facebook

We’ve discussed parents’ yoonique baby name choices in this column several times before, but one thing we haven’t discussed is all the drama surrounding those choices. Did you know that baby name-stealing is a modern day tragedy of mammoth proportions? Well, it is. It’s a tragic epidemic that’s spiraling out of control. Hide yo names, hide yo wives, ’cause bitches be stealing. And if they’re not stealing, then they’re doing something else to anger parents, like mispronouncing little Jhykcen (pronounced “Jackson”) or Espn’s first names, or making up cute little nicknames for children that were NOT Parent Authorized. There’s more to today’s baby names than meets the eye.

Much like choices in education and healthcare reform, how we choose our children’s names is something that will influence them for their entire lives. What if some other Kherington Aliyaazana is out there in the world racking up trophies, huh? Then what? Babies and children have to rely on their individuality these days more than ever, and that’s why parents are so concerned with yooniqueness. It all makes perfect sense, if you really think about it (while drunk).

Here are several examples of parents who are far more obsessed with their children’s names than any generation of parents that came before:

1. Baby Name Stealing

STFU Parents

Helloooooooo people, wise up and recognize that Kayla isn’t dumb. She knows a name rip-off when she sees one, okay? Game recognize game. It’s like listening to a cover of a Coldplay song. You just know some things. At least in Leann’s case, she’ll give birth to her daughter Karlee wayy before some idiot can steal her baby name. Jerks.

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  • kate

    I feel mainly against these people and only the eensiest bit of sympathy. eensy i promise. When pregnant with my third, I picked Evangeline before I was even pregnant. if a friend or relative had used it anyway before i gave birth to her (and i had told them), i guess i might have been a little annoyed. But hell, maybe I would have just still used it.

    Mainly, I think its really neat when I see or hear my kids names. My sons name is spelled in a russian way, so its not very common and i thought it was really cool when I saw it on a door at a daycare for another kid. (i promise its russian and not made up…)

  • NotCinderell

    Eilana is a really common Hebrew name. It’s also very pretty. Lots of Jewish Elianas out there…
    Oh, and the reason you can’t shorten Liam is because it’s a nickname for William. Stupid fucking idiots.

  • laura rae

    I hate it when people call me by the wrong name (it’s just rude–that isn’t my name), so that complaint makes perfect sense to me. *shrug*

  • goofyjj

    I get SO MAD whenever I hear “Jennifer” because that’s MY name and how dare you steal it. bitches…..

  • L

    Annika’s “livid” mother makes me laugh. Obvioulsy I stole the name from her, whom I have never met. The name is traditional Scandinavian, not a yooneek trendie name you made up! People do mispronounce it sometimes, but how hard is it to correct someone and move on? Or, I don’t know, just live with it? I knew when I named her Annika she might run into that, and I liked it enough to decide that was not the end of the world. It just further illustrates how self-centered we can be. You are not the only one to ever think of that name, and if it does happen to be something a particular person hasn’t heard before, don’t get pissy when they mispronounce it or misspell it.


    My son is Luigi, but goes by Gino. Common in Italy, but not here- I think!

  • Simone

    I have this little sociological theory that people are getting all bent out of shape about having a yoonique name because subconsciously, we’re all affected by the numerous internet passwords we have to have. Work with me here. How often do you put in the password you’d like and computer says politely, Sorry, that’s already taken! So we use our fav password but wreck the spelling or something, or try to think of some noise that’s never been heard of before. Subconsciously this has made us believe that the yooniqueness of a word is of critical importance and it’s spilled over into (thick people’s) (tiny little) minds when it comes to naming a human being.

    Also, someone’s annoyed that there’s another person called Jagger Atreyu? Add me to the list. I’m annoyed too.

  • Riki S.

    I have no problem with “name-stealing”, the nickname thing though, I can see being upsetting. We are expecting a girl and already chose a name. My MIL has decided she doesn’t like it (she hasn’t liked any name we thought of along the way). My MIL is a bit crazy and has decided if she doesn’t get to name the baby (which she won’t), she’s going to call our daughter by any name she wants to anyways. A war is brewing and I know it’s not going to be pretty. BTW, it’s not like we chose a name that is strange, we are going with Cecilia.

  • ATLWmn

    My stepsister told her mom the name she wanted to give her future daughter…her mom stole the name and took out fake credit cards with it, under my stepsister’s address. Nothing like breaking the law AND name-stealing!

  • mpv

    my name is michelle i hate it so common i went school 8 or 10 at in on time my freshmen yr of highschool there were 5 us in on class it was anyone plus i hate when people call me shell or shelly or councha (thats shell in spanish) people dont care

  • Bethany

    OH MY GOD. Don’t parents realize that these kids grow up into adults who want to be taken seriously? My parents thought it would be cute to give all of their kids B-names, which is a completely mild offense. But I am still slightly resentful. I AM NOT PART OF A SET.

    And the thing about seeing your child before naming it is too true. I was 30 years old before I came to terms with the name I was given and accepted it.

    • Riki S.

      My grandparents did that with all 9 of their kids, starting with J.

  • Elin’s mom

    I am a neonatal nurse, and I recently worked with a family for 7 weeks. The mom and I often talked, and I would tell tales of my 11 year old daughter. One day she told me that if she every had a girl, she would be named after my daughter, because ‘she is such a wonderful person’! I am so honored!

  • Wilma S Cohen

    When I worked for the state, I saw more than my share of strange names among the claimants, and many of them were actually duplicates – ie: Masaya (pronounced Messiah, of course) , Yermajesty, even Unique . One name which I have seen many times is Nevaeh. What I don’t get with that one is: if you want to name your kid Heaven, why not just name her Heaven ? What’s with this backwards stuff ?

  • missminute

    Do none of these people use Google? Most of the names listed above are not that uncommon. So embarrassing.

  • canaduck

    You know what’s a beautiful name? Seven. Thanks, George!

    • StephKay


  • Horrid Baby Names

    What’s wrong with giving your kid a decent name? Course, the tackier the name, the more blog fodder I have to work with on my Twitter account. :)

  • Bethany

    My mother used to yell at my friends (seriously, yell) when they called me Beth instead of Bethany. She’d go on a rampage, “I NAMED HER BETHANY FOR A REASON! BECAUSE I LIKE THAT NAME! I DIDN’T NAME HER BETH!!!” etc., etc., I never cared what people called me, but the whole yelling thing was terribly embarrassing and traumatizing. :P Now that I’m an adult I prefer to be called Bethany, but for most of the yelling stage I preferred Beth, probably because I don’t like when loud screaming people get their way.

  • dave oakwood

    jagger atreyu is fucking hilarious


    My oldest son has the world’s greatest middle name. It’s so awesome I have never shared it on facebook, baby name blogs, or the internet in general. I have never met another and only seen one historic person with this name. LOL and I’m not telling you guys either! Thats how you keep a name to yourself. Also, I have forbidden him from revealing it to anyone until he’s 21. Score!

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