• Wed, Mar 13 - 11:00 am ET

Anonymous Mom: An Open Letter To My Bipolar Husband

bipolar husbandAnonymous Mom is a weekly column of motherhood confessions, indiscretions, and parental shortcomings selected by Mommyish editors. Under this unanimous byline, readers can share their own stories, secrets, and moments of weakness with complete anonymity.

Dear Bipolar Husband,

I know you’re probably going to read this some day, so before I start, let me say that I’m not talking about leaving you. This isn’t an I-hate-my-husband letter. Just read it.

I wish you weren’t bipolar, but I also wish all of my womanly measurements fell neatly in the mid-30s. You’re never going to stop being bipolar, and I’m never going to be able to wear a bikini without looking like a lumpy loaf of white bread. That’s how I see your problem, as just another part of you. You look past my weight, even appreciate it at times, and I spend very little of my day worrying about the fact that you have a chemical imbalance. You watched all the gruesome and disgusting things that happened to my body when it pushed out your child. Why is it so bad that I see you sob?

You don’t scare me.

I’m the one who sees all of your episodes, all your freak-outs, and I’ve never once been afraid for myself or our daughter. You don’t get violent, you don’t act out. You’ve never struck me, shoved me or done any other kind of physical damage to yourself or others during your episodes. If you had thrown me down the stairs or something, we’d be having a very different conversation. But you don’t do things like that. You’ve never given me a reason to think or believe that you’re even capable of it.

You’re not crazy.

Crazy is being completely unpredictable, doing and acting out irrational things. Your actions, while not always rational, come with a clear set of warning signs. I can see your shifts in moods in colors, like a sunset on a clear day. What you don’t understand, though I’ve tried explaining it before, is that everyone goes through shifts in their moods. Everyone is hyper at times, somber at others. It’s just how we are. Your public exterior, the way you allow people to see you, is no different than everyone else.

No one knows you’re bipolar except your family.

You don’t go through big freak-outs in public. You don’t have meltdowns, and you don’t lose complete control. You worry that people hate you, or don’t trust you because you’re different. It’s not the fact that you’re bipolar that makes people not want to talk to you. It’s the fact that your social skills are terrible. The only reason people don’t want to talk to you is because you act like you don’t want to talk to them. The umbrella shaped like a samurai sword might also have something to do with that.

1 2 next  next
Share This Post:
Related Topics: Stuff • • • • •
  • http://twitter.com/ptownstevesgirl Ptownsteveschick

    This is beautiful

  • Blueathena623

    As someone who is bipolar, this letter is very sweet and I commend you for having such a tolerant and loving relationship with your husband. I do take medication, because I need it, but unlike your husband (and I am NOT judging him whatsoever) if a fairy came down with a magic wand and told me she could cure my bipolar, I would send her packing. I yam what I yam, and I attribute some of my best traits to my bipolar. I’m smart as a whip, both analytical and creative, and I have the most kick-ass dreams ever and I remember every single one, starting from age 4 or so. And to quote several people, including multiple therapists, I’m incredibly self-aware, which is both a blessing and a curse.
    All that being said, there is a bit of a shadowy evil hanging over our heads, because when you’re self aware, you spend an inordinate amount of time analyzing your emotions. If I’m feeling down today, not only do I have to think about ways to remedy the situation I have to really analyze the situation to try and figure out if someone normal in my situation would feel down, or is this an instance of depression. Which is hella difficult because I don’t know how normal people feel, and if I am truly depressed I’m already starting at a disadvantage. Yes, it is just an emotional instability that makes us depressed or manic, but its our brains, and we can’t escape it for even a second. It is ALWAYS there. And even if we could forget, society would be right there, knocking on our door, reminding us that hey, guess what? You’re mentally ill! And there’s a huge stigma against that! And the regular Joe Schmo, if he knew, would judge you! But you do what you can and lead the life you can lead, because what else can you do?
    Again, thank you for your letter and your feelings towards your husband. I wish all of you the best of luck.

    • alice

      im glad someone w/ BPD posted.

      as with any disorder (mental or physical,) a diagnosis is only as good as the tools used to manage that diagnosis.

      your doctor put you on medication as one of those tools. and you also employ other tools: using self awareness to assess your mood, recognize triggers, employ self management methods, etc.

      What you’re not doing, is sitting around and complaining about the diagnosis, or using it as an excuse to rationalize other behavior (“i can’t make friends, because i’m BPD”)

      I’m not exactly suggesting that her husband is doing that, but the anon author definitely made it seem like maybe he’s wasting a lot of energy feeling bad for himself, or using his diagnosis as a way to avoid progress.

    • Blueathena623

      Well, we also don’t know when he was diagnosed. I was diagnosed at 21, so I’ve had a decade to come to grips with my diagnosis. While I was mostly happy to get an official diagnosis, there is also a mourning period. I can’t exactly explain it, but its like you’re mourning the person you’ll never become. You now officially know that its not just a very long rough patch, its there forever. If you take medication, you’ll take it for life. You’ll know officially that people might treat you differently and just see a huge crazy sign. So if you compound that mourning with, ya know, a brain that is mentally ill, its easy to get stuck in what others see as self pity.
      Thank you for your comment :)

    • S

      that is really well said Blue. My spouse is only a tad older than you, and is just finally get the right diagnosis and meds, and ive known him since we were about 18 so you can see where my frustration above comes from. Also, I just wanted you to know too I am not down on my spouse in anyway, its just hard. but im sure you get that :) and Im glad your doctor has worked for you!

    • Blueathena623

      I wouldn’t judge you for being down on your spouse. My husband is also mentally ill (different illness, don’t we make quite the couple!) and it IS hard, no matter the degree of it. I KNOW that its a matter of chemicals, and there are STILL times when I just want to say to him “stop it, stop it right now. Be normal.” Which is silly, because he can’t be normal any more than I can be normal, but its frustrating to see a loved one in pain.
      I am honestly very glad that he got a diagnosis and medications. If its possible and he is willing, I do suggest cognitive behavioural therapy because its really helpful in learning about triggers and coming up with methods to help cope with them.

    • S

      it is really nice to hear someone else express the way i feel so often.I think thats why the article hit a nerve, i was hoping to read something related to my own experience and instead was like, oh i wish i felt this way.

    • Blueathena623

      If you ever need to talk or vent or anything, I’m more than willing to listen, and I mean that sincerely. My email address is my user name at gmail.com

    • Blueathena623

      One more thing to add — if the author and her husband do feel like bipolar is taking over his life and is seriously hampering him in social situations, it might be time to talk to a dr about medications. Medication has a come a long way from people with mental illness being so drugged up that they can’t function and are basically shells of their former self. While this is in no way medical advice, I can say that Lamictal is known to be good for people with more depression than mania. And if they are against medication, perhaps some good cognitive behavioural therapy would be helpful.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Tiffany-Breeden/1248226263 Tiffany Breeden

      Great reply to this post! I agree!

  • S

    this is well written and thought out, but aside from that im not sure how i feel about this. having a mentally ill spouse, im not sure I appreciate someone complaining that he complains about it too much. if thats your biggest problem, if tis not tearing your life and your marriage apart, what do you have to complain about? I WISH all my husband had to say was “wahh im depressed” and that that irked me. seriously. We have way bigger fish to fry. Then again, maybe I should be siding with the author and say, yeah buck up author’s husband it could be way worse. you could be my husband with his problems.

    • Blueathena623

      Please don’t turn this into the suffering Olympics. I commend and sympathize with you, having to deal with a mentally I’ll spouse, but we all have our crosses to bear.

    • diana

      So S/he should just shut up and bear it and never complain? I don’t think expressing this sentiment is wrong. Have you considered how frustrating and sad it is from an outside perspective, as someone who is a carer? Do you deal with a severely sick spouse on a daily basis?

    • Blueathena623

      See my other comment. I understand the toll of mental Illness all to well, thanks. And I never said she couldn’t vent. Again, I get how it would be frustrating it is, but I find it hypocritical that you are upset with me for “not telling her complain” when she herself was upset over the author complaining.

    • S

      well you make a good point that i complained about complaining, then complianed…wait, what? ;) I really was more making a case for the other side and expressing my gut reaction to the piece. I agree she can praise him.
      and thanks Diana :)

    • LAwcat

      Yea, that’s what I thought too. It’s like when someone complains about their kids and someone else pipes in with something along the lines of JUST BE THANKFUL YOU HAVE THEM BECAUSE SOME PEOPLE CAN’T.

    • Justme

      She’s not saying never, ever complain – just don’t put down someone else’s struggle just because you perceive yours to be harder or more difficult.

      I once mentioned my frustration with a co-worker regarding my husband’s basketball coaching schedule and how it took him away from our family for long stretches of time. Her response? “Stop bitching – at least you HAVE a husband to complain about.”

      Excuse me? This is kind of along the same lines….just because you see your life as harder than someone else’s doesn’t invalidate the pain and suffering that person is going through.

      Regardless of my co-worker’s marriage status, having my husband gone from our home a lot while I wrangled a feisty two-year-old was hard. Period. On the contrary, when she complains about NOT having a husband, I don’t sit there and tell her to shut up because at least she gets to do what she wants, when she wants so she better enjoy peace and quiet. Nope. Because for her, being single is a struggle and it’s my job as a friend to respect that and sympathize with her station in life.

      Not everything in life is a competition for who has it best….or who has it worst.

    • http://twitter.com/babaloomaloo babaloo maloo

      Well, as you say there are degrees of functionality. I have only had experience with caring for those with severe mental illness myself. This is something different though and it sounds like he handles it admirably. She’s right to praise him.

    • alice

      it really all depends. if he is throwing himself a constant pity-party because he’s been diagnosed w/ BPD? yeah, his wife should be complaining

    • S

      good point

  • http://twitter.com/babaloomaloo babaloo maloo

    A lovely , loving message. I personally wish that i could eradicate bi-polar because I spend more time caring for bi-polar friends than I do my own kids. It’s starting to really wear me down. It’s a horrible thing, from an outside perspective. To see people you love break down to the point where they can’t manage work, family or home life on their own.

  • Diana

    He is so, so lucky not to need medication or mood stabilizers. That is a blessing.

    • S

      very true, and I think part of what I was trying to get at below. my spouse is on multiple meds and im still at the point of crossing my fingers and hoping it works

    • Blueathena623

      I hope everything goes well. It can be difficult to find the right ones, but when you do . . . :)

    • S

      thanks so much, it is appreciated :)

    • alice

      i can totally see why you’d be frustrated to hear someone venting about “he complains too much” when there are far far worse scenarios (like perhaps yours.)

      but i think there’s a flipside, that perhaps BECAUSE he’s not on medication, and BECAUSE it’s a mild diagnosis, this makes it more difficult (in a totally non-comparative way.) it might be similar to the frustration your husband might feel towards someone who was going on-and-on about how BPD has “ruined their life” when it turns out that they have a mild diagnosis, aren’t on meds, and have very moderate and infrequent episodes.

  • TheSquirrel

    Well put. My husband is also bi-polar. He wasn’t diagnosed until he was into his thirties and it nearly tanked his career. I had to give him an ultimatum to make him get help and I think society’s poor understanding of mental illness hampered his ability to do so. I told a friend about the improvement we were seeing with his meds and she tells me “oh, that can be controlled by diet and exercise.” Yeah, why don’t you try talking a severely depressed person into doing a regular regimen of jumping jacks and let me know how that works out for you.

    • Blueathena623

      Ugh, yes. There is a difference between practicing good mood hygiene (avoiding sugary carbs, exercise, getting a full night sleep, exposure to sunlight) and random people thinking “if only you did this, you’d be cured!” So annoying when people think mental illness is a lack of willpower.

    • SusannahJoy

      It’s not just mental illness. When I found out that my best friend has terminal brain cancer someone actually told me that she just needed to change her diet and then she’d be all better. It’s weird how sometimes when people try to help they come off as being soooo lacking in basic compassion.

    • Blueathena623

      I think its part ignorance and part fear. Like you won’t have to worry about terminal brain cancer if you just eat a good diet, or worry about mental illness if you excise enough. I’m sorry about your friend.

    • alice

      part ignorance, part fear, and a HUGE part “big pharma conspiracy theorist” – - why would anyone have chemotherapy, when the aboriginals just had…BLUEBERRIES! what? omg.

    • C.J.

      I am so sorry your for your friend. That was very insensitive of someone to say that to you. Since I had a stroke I have had a few stupid comments like that. The comments I have received are not nearly as bad, I didn’t have a terminal disease. I know people think they are trying to help but that is really kinda mean to suggest someone with cancer can just change their diet and be cured. My mom has cancer, kinda doesn’t work that way. I had someone tell me it should just be mind over matter and if I tell my left side to work properly and not be weak after it should work. Someone else tried to give me a diet and exercises plan that would make the injury to my brain just disappear. I just smile and thank them for their concern and tell them my deficits don’t really bother me. I have accepted them a long time ago so I don’t know why they bother other people so much.

  • rabbitwithfangs

    Trying not to tear up…unsuccessfully.

  • K.Diaz

    My one true hope is to find someone that will share the same feelings about my bipolar disorder as you hold with your husband’s.

  • C.J.

    Such a beautiful letter. I wish you and your husband the best.

  • lea

    “Crazy is being completely unpredictable, doing and acting out irrational things.”

    And this is where you lost me. I don’t think it is helpful for anyone to talk about mental illness as “crazy”. I’m happy for you that your husband doesn’t do unpredictable and irrational things but there are others who, thanks to their own illnesses, do. I think they deserve just as much compassion and understanding- not labels and stigma.

  • Ella

    Also, a saumrai sword umbrella sounds fantastic!

  • HeatherB.

    My response was written for another forum…for some reason, I didn’t realize I could respond directly to you….but, I’m tired, and not going to go correct all the “she’s” to “you’s” …so bear with me on that, ok? My response is copied below…

    To you personally, I would like to say I wish you the best. I strongly suggest couple’s therapy. And I urge you to encourage your husband to attend REGULAR sessions on his own as well. And please don’t ever tell him that what he feels is no different than the rest of the world. You only see his actions, you don’t feel his feelings. His fears are very real, and he is incapable of letting go of them. This includes everything from thinking people don’t like him (even though he acts in ways that lead them away…that is a defense mechanism by the way, he may not even realize that.) to fearing that he is guilty of passing this disorder on to your daughter. Which is a VERY real concern by the way. And you should be concerned and aware that just because your husband has never gone “completely psychotic”, doesn’t mean she won’t. His fears are justified, in my opinion. I really hope you both find peace and happiness. I wish you the best!!

    *******

    There are 2 ways this attitude and mindset could go when he reads this…
    1. He feels she doesn’t understand him, and it will frustrate him and he will slowly lose his ability to confide in her….
    2. He will believe her. Become delusional and start thinking “hey, maybe the way I feel really is normal….maybe I dont even really have bipolar!” (This just happened to me) And then neither of them will be on guard or aware of dangerous behaviors, and before they know it, he will breakdown.

    She means well. But it’s very “minimizing’. What she doesn’t understand is that whether or not something really is “the end of the world”, in the mind of someone who is bipolar…..it is. For me, when something bad happens, even something that is kind of small in hindsight, it feels so intensely real. Yes, normal people are happy then sad, and back again. But, bipolar intensifies those emotions. Magnifies them.

    She needs to be extremely careful telling him not to be on medication. Honey, if he is feeling these things you say, and going out to the car to CRY….he is NOT ok without any mood stabilizers! (This is NOT normal behavior!) And neither is the paranoia he seems to be experiencing (and I’m sure she doesn’t understand the extent of it…..he can’t just “stop freaking out and stop worrying”, he can’t just stop thinking people don’t like him. He can’t just make himself socialize. It doesn’t work like that. I still can’t convince myself 75% of the time that my own family loves me until they say it. ANYWAY this isn’t about me. What I am getting at, is it seems like he could benefit from some anxiety meds AT LEAST.

    I hope he is getting counseling. (And she should too). It’s clear she is “understanding to the best of her ability” but she is wrong, plain and simple. I hope she realizes it, because they will not last, not happily….and he will break down…especially if he feels like she doesn’t understand and he can’t tell her everything that’s on his mind, even if that means telling her 100 times. And he is going to need CONSTANT assurance that she loves him and understands him. It is not easy being the significant other, or close friend or relative of someone who is bipolar. I hope she comes to a clear understanding soon. For both their sakes, and for the sake of their baby not growing up in a home where daddy cries all the time and is afraid to let her leave the house (that is where I see this leading, just based on what SHE said in her letter). I have the paranoia, and the social anxiety, so those are 2 things I understand very well.

    Sorry this is so long. I just really want to express this to anyone who loves someone with bipolar and feels the way this woman feels. (I understand where she’s coming from, she clearly loves him and means well. She just doesn’t “get it.” She doesn’t truly grasp just how deeply he feels).

  • http://www.facebook.com/okc.dave Okc Dave

    Sweet? If I had her for a wife I think I’d turn bipolar too. Sometimes personalities are infectious in bad ways even if they bare the mask of sweetness.