• Wed, Mar 6 - 9:00 am ET

Bad Mom Advice: Dogs Are Totally Stupid And Sucking Your Thumb Is The Best!

largeWelcome to my weekly Bad Mom Advice column where I attempt to answer all of your parenting questions as only I know how — with zero degree in early childhood development, but with the experience of raising four kids and not having any of them in prison – yet! Plus, I back all my advice on numerous scientific research, which may or may not include me making fun of your dumb kid behind your back and drinking a bunch of wine! Welcome to Bad Mom Advice!

 My four and 7-year-old want a dog. I really don’t want to get one, but they keep bugging me about it constantly. I know pets teach kids responsibility and we have large yard with a fence. Should I just give in? 

Oh hell no. Are you crazy? I mean, I don’t mean “are you crazy?” to disparage crazy people, so I am sorry if you are actually crazy, for real crazy, I guess what I should say is are you totally stupid? Dogs are stupid! And I am saying this as a person who loves dogs! You say your kids, who are really young, want a dog and you don’t want a dog but you know who will end up taking care of the dog? You! Dogs don’t teach kids anything other than unconditional love and that if they leave their robot dudes out unattended the dog will eat them. Don’t get a dog! Don’t get a dog unless YOU want a dog because the person feeding the dog and walking the dog and cleaning up the dog vomit will be YOU. Getting a pet has to be a family decision with the adults in the family realizing that they can’t expect their kids to do anything with the dog expect pet him on occasion and feed him leftover broccoli off their dinner plates when you aren’t looking and complain about him eating their robot dudes. Parents get their kids a pet when the kids beg for one and wears the parents down and once the novelty wears off (and with most kids, this is approximately two ours after bringing the dog home from the shelter) the parents expect the kid to care for the dog and when this doesn’t happen the poor dog gets neglected and ends up eating your furniture legs. Then the dog gets put up for adoption. This goes for any pet. Because I’m a dog owner and even though he is the kid’s dog he is really MY dog, especially when he needs to go out or to be fed. Don’t get a dog! Until you want a dog. If you want to teach them to care for a pet, get them a goldfish to share but even with a simple fish you will still be the one feeding it and changing its water and explaining to your kids that “No, the fish is not bored and he does not need a new friend.”

 My daughter wants to quit her extra curricular activity in the middle of the year, even though it’s paid up through June. She doesn’t have a reason. She just lost interest. Do I force her to go and see the commitment through?

Yes. 

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  • Hibbie

    I really enjoy this column. Good advice re: grandparents, thumb sucking, and it being none of their business. No one is going to win if they get involved. My grandmother decided at 1 1/2 that I was too old to suck my thumb, so she repeatedly slathered it in Vaseline. I stopped, but the damage to her relationship with my mother and my own feelings of “WTF, Granny?!” were so not worth it. Besides, I ended up needing braces regardless!

  • SusannahJoy

    Yeah, I sucked my thumb until I was about 8, when some kid caught me doing it at school and made fun of me. I was doing it as stress relief though, so then when I couldn’t do that anymore I started pulling out my hair. That went on until I was 12 or so, when a friend pointed out my bald spot. After that… I mostly just stopped being around other kids. Kids are assholes. Thinking back, maybe I should’ve let my parents know how stressed out and anxious I was all the time… Luckily now I’m adult! Wine!

  • faifai

    I sucked my middle fingers up until middle school. Then we went on overnight field trips for school and I got caught sucking my fingers by my schoolbus seatmate. She swore she’d never tell anyone (and as far as I know she never did) but it was embarrassing enough that I stopped. That embarrassment worked more than any nasty-tasting no-bite nail polish my mom ever put on my nails. And my teeth are perfectly straight, thank you very much.

  • Ice.The.Queen

    I sucked my thumb for years when I was younger, I can’t remember how long I did it or when I stopped or why, but I did. It eventually became something that I just didn’t do, like sticking things up my nose or picking fuzz off blankets, (sometimes I’d do both.). Honestly wouldn’t worry about it too much. Something will make her stop eventually. Like another commenter said, she won’t be walking down the asile sucking her thumb.

  • Poogles

    Not all kids will stop sucking their thumbs in time, even if they are teased by peers. A dear friend of mine still sucks her thumb, to this day….she turns 30 this year.

  • http://twitter.com/wicked515 Amber Eastman

    I was a long time thumb sucker, but I did it with my “blankie” I was known as Linus! When I was 7 my parents hid my blankie as I was packing for a trip to Disney. I was soooo upset but quickly got over it once I was in the happiest place on earth,and stopped sucking my thumb and stopped caring for my blankie.

    I did need braces though. I was lucky and had a great orthodontist. My braces were only on for 9 months instead of 2 years! I say find something for her to take her mind off of it. Worked like a charm…….

  • cathy

    check out Thumbuddy To Love…..great product to help children stop thumb sucking…and kids love it!!

  • Andrea

    Check out Thumbuddy To Love…fun product to help children end thumb sucking.

  • Chris

    I disagree about the dog thing, though it has a lot to do with the age of your kids. Mine are 10 and 8 and I do next to nothing for the dog. Take her to the vet, give her the heartworm pills once a month, that’s about it. They feed her, walk her, take her out, etc. That was the deal when we got her, and I have stuck with it, so they have, too.

  • Molly

    Poogles is right. I’m 26 and I still do it at bed time, and when I’m distressed. Sometimes even just watching tv.
    I suggest trying that nasty polish used to discourage nailbiting on the thumbnails.
    If that doesn’t work, it’s definitely some psychological shit. Time to find a child psychologist.

  • really??

    Eve I love your posts and this one about thumb sucking was genius! My nearly 4 year ols still sucks her thumb and as far as I’m concerned she can do it as long as she damn well pleases. She’s happy and as for her teeth I had a sister who sucked her fingers though I didn’t. Guess what? We both ended up with retainers. So for anyone that tells me she needs to stop I say “suck it” haha.