There were clues. A lot of them. I was becoming nostalgic for the weirdest things. Driveways. Front yards. Wine aisles in grocery stores. When I saw any of these things on TV or in friend’s photos, I would get a faraway look in my eye. I remember those things…
There would be pangs of jealousy at the strangest times. A photo of a child’s room, a suburban parking lot, a folded stroller in the trunk of a car – all of these things would drive me into a spiral of why can’t I have that?
A few weeks ago I wrote about being a horrible city mom. On the whole, mothers in the city really with sympathized where I was coming from. It is pretty damn hard. There are also others that believe where there’s a will there’s a way. They would be right, too.Â Somewhere along the lines I lost the will to struggle to raise my child a “city kid.” Actually – I don’t think that will was ever there. I forgot how wonderful the quality of life in suburbia can be. Having kids forced me to remember.
It may be a small case of arrested development that led me to yearn for a simpler life so late. At 28 I moved to New York. I was a childless artist – with no idea what the future held. Probably the biggest thing I loved about my life at that time is that I had no idea what the future held. It was liberating. I was always able to get jobs to make enough money to get by – but I never thought seriously about my future or security in those days. And I don’t regret a minute of it. I just never realized how fast a decade could go by.
Fast forward 10 years, and now I am a mother of one with another on the way. I start noticing that when I look at friend’s photos on Facebook, I’m silently saying to myself, Wow, they are so adult. They have a pool. They have a stairway inside their home. They have backyards and pantries. Yeah. They are adults. They’re 40. I’m the only one still living like a 25-year-old.
It worked before I had kids. But now living paycheck to paycheck in a walk-up apartment with no amenities just so I can be in the “best city in the world” eludes me. Why am I doing this? If you can handle it and you love it, it’s a great way to live. If you find yourself daydreaming about the comforts of suburbia – it’s just stupid.