STFU Parents: Parents, Please Keep Your Sex And Love Lives Off Facebook

Last week, we talked about one version (the creepy one) of a mother’s love. But you know what else can be kind of icky? Parents’ love — for each other. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a fan of sex and love on a personal level. I’ve been in a relationship with my main squeeze for nearly a decade, and I’m grateful for the love we share. But that’s the most you’ll ever hear me talk about our relationship on social media. I tend to keep that stuff private, even in spite of the fact that it’s become extremely common for couples to profess their love for each other online. That said, there’s a difference between public love notes written by kid-free couples and notes that are written by parents. They’re all equally annoying, in my opinion, but parents have a leg up on the TMI updates due to all things love + baby.

When you’re writing love notes on Facebook as a parent, suddenly the love can be about so much more stuff that no one wants to hear about. You’ve crossed a threshold of sorts. You’ve wiped your baby’s ass together. You’ve (probably) gone through childbirth together. And those things translate into the kind of intimacy that truly doesn’t belong on social media. Young love is about mushy feelings and “I love you’s.” Parent love is about mushy diapers and “I love you’s.” Neither really deserves a place on Facebook, but the latter often takes things to another, more extreme level. Here are a few examples to show you what I mean:

1. Conception Anniversaries

couples on facebook

Conception anniversaries started becoming popular non-holidays a couple of years ago, and they’ve really ramped up on social media since then. Where else can you unassumingly congratulate yourself for conceiving a baby than on Facebook? I like the way Jennifer confusedly asks if it’s the twins’ birthday and Emilie pops in to correct her. No, Jennifer, today is their conception day, not their birthday. DUH. Can’t you read?!

Share This Post:
    • msenesac

      Kill me if I ever post/think/say anything like any of these.

      • Tinyfaeri

        Ditto.

    • Eileen

      I had to take off work once to provide transportation to/from a colonoscopy. I didn’t even tell my boss because it’s private and not my place to share the information. I can’t IMAGINE thinking it’s okay to post that on Facebook.

    • itsdanilove

      Congratulations! Not only did you tell the whole world you had sex on this occasion, you just said that you were having so little sex that you could pinpoint the exact day.

    • CrazyFor Kate

      Generally, if you conceived a baby, there’s likely to have been sex involved. We understand this. We do not need it spelled out. The baby is proof enough.

    • Ordinaryperson

      The last one seems like it could be okay… If they’ve been having problems conceiving?? Maybe??? I don’t know, I think I just feel bad for these people and I’m trying to make their craziness make sense.

      • Leah Midnight

        No, because I am positive that if she does not get pregnant from this one try that she’d be the type of person to now get mad when people ask her about it. “Mind ur bizness, every1, gawd, when I have sumthin to tell u I will!”

      • not crazy

        Not even close to okay. All she did was announce that they just got back from vacation with the SO, and yes they had unprotected sex while on vacation. Nobody cares.

      • Ordinaryperson

        Oh come on, there has to be at least one of these crazy things posted here that’s been taken out of context in some ridiculous way so that the people seem bat shit when they’re actually quite normal! Right? Please?? Give me some hope…

    • darcy

      Ugh, this reminds me of the day my cousin and his wife announced they were expecting and then also announced that they conceived right after leaving my wedding. Seriously,the entire family doesn’t need to know when and where the conception took place.

    • JillC

      I hope I never send a text to someone when we are both in our home.

      • Katia

        Hah we do this and our home is 1 storey. Baby sleep issues or laziness being the usual reasons

      • OnionButt

        Years ago when I was sharing a house with a couple of people, one of my roommates and I were IM’ing with each other – one room apart. We were only doing it ironically/to be silly. Texting seems to be the current day equivalent.

      • Girlie

        To be fair, I think (I read it as) the husband was at work / somewhere else, and the wife was letting him know she’s upstairs, so he wouldn’t wonder where she is when he comes home.

    • AllysonLT

      Am I the only one who read “little souvenir” and immediately thought STD? I am? Ok, then, going away now.

      • Justme

        STD….child….they’re both going to cost you a lot in the foreseeable future.

      • goofyjj

        omg. you. are. awesome.

      • http://www.facebook.com/courtney.wooten Courtney Lynn

        LOL…in some cases, STDs are cheaper!

      • Justme

        either way, they are the gift that keeps on giving.

      • zeisel

        that was great… :)

      • http://www.cafepress.com/ladycrim ladycrim

        No, I thought it too. “We brought home a little souvenir!” “…Lice?”

      • STFUParents

        Lol.

      • Seriously.

        I want to have drinks with all of you.

      • K.

        I wish you knew the couple so you could write that on their wall. I’m saving it in my back pocket for the next time it comes around to my feed–thanks!

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Michele-Fore/100000391637523 Michele Fore

        Hahaha, I was thinking “crabs.”

      • Shug

        Reading this much later, but…yes, especially considering they were in Florida, an STD seems like a much more likely “little souvenir”

    • Justme

      Well shit. Now I have to know….is Shannon pregnant?

    • SandraT

      I think most people can sort of work it out for themselves when a baby was conceived, they don’t TMI posts on FB to be reminded…

      • CrazyFor Kate

        My friend is Russian and was born there at a time which points to her conception at exactly the time the Soviet Union fell. She had never made the connection and was rather horrified when I pointed it out!

      • StephKay

        Ugh, I was conceived on D-day which, that particular year, was also the day my now husband turned 6. Totally ruined my partners birthday for me. Thanks for sharing, mom!

      • Justme

        For my parents it was an infamous Halloween Bunco party with my parents and all their friends (with whom they are STILL friends with thirty years later). So I was a drunken accident about 10 years after everyone had given birth to their last child. I do believe that I was the cause of multiple sterilizations among this group of men.

      • KatDuck

        I gave a friend who does Civil War reenactments a handmade chemise for a birthday. Nine months later she was a mom. It was only far later, when talking about some of the sewing techniques, that the math clicked for me. I still can’t look at that kid without some guilt.

    • mslindsay

      One of my Facebook friends conceived her son on Valentine’s Day, and I know this because for the second Valentine’s Day in a row she’s posted about it (her son is two). This year the status said “Happy kinda sorta “birthday” to my little love child [son's name] ;)” And then her husband commented and said “They don’t even know baby… ;) I love you.” Barf city.

      • http://twitter.com/elmcarthur Erica McArthur

        Eww, involuntary shudders over here.

    • ODBeckster

      I’m concerned about the order that Christian is doing things in… he fell asleep and went potty. This is nothing to be excited about. If Christian first went to the potty and then went to bed, yay for him and please don’t share this on Facebook. Grammar is important, people.

      • Justme

        I was under the impression that Christian fell asleep ON the potty. That can be dangerous for the circulation to the legs. :)

    • http://www.facebook.com/courtney.wooten Courtney Lynn

      I’m not comfortable discussing my sex life with anyone other than my husband and we both appreciate that neither of us do. He would also flip the hell out if I posted ANYTHING referring to his ass on social media!

    • whiteroses

      I can’t think of a single friend I have on my Facebook list (well, except for my husband) whose sex life I remotely care about. The only thing I really need to know in regards to their pregnancies is when they’re due, so I can buy a present. Conception dates? Nah. As awesome as I think they and their husband or wife are, I have no desire to imagine them having sex and the EXACT moment they concieved little Pwecious.

      My husband is awesome. I love him. That’s really all anyone needs to know.

      • Metoo45

        Exactly! Anything more than that is between my man and I. It’s called a relationship not a party!

      • zeisel

        AND if we REALLY wanted to know.. I think we have the ability to use our brain to be able to do the math on our own.

      • KatDuck

        Right. Post if an angel was a key part of the conception. Beyond that … really don’t need to know.

    • http://twitter.com/ptownstevesgirl Ptownsteveschick

      I also think that telling people when you are “trying” for a baby is gross. Why not just say yeah, we are having tons of unprotected sex. But, when we didn’t tell anyone we were trying, everyone assumed that our baby was an oops, which was its own brand of annoying.

      • lea

        Most common question I have been getting asked since starting to tell people about my pregnancy?

        “Were you guys trying?”

      • Katia

        I guess a softer worded way would be: had you been hoping for a baby for a while? its only the parents who should say “trying” and maybe it’s only worth bringing up to non close friends after its been a while.

      • lea

        I’m not so miffed about the wording as the actual intent of the question. I just can’t understand why anyone would think it was their business if our baby was planned or not.

        I would never dream of asking expectant parents that question.
        To me it seems an extremely rude and inappropriate, but I could be in the minority on that? Who knows.

      • Toaster

        My first kid was a surprise and I always answered the “were you trying?” question honestly. It resulted in some awkward conversations and I hope they figured out it’s not necessarily the most appropriate question to ask.

      • Bubblefly

        I agree. When my friend told me about her pregnancy I never even thought of asking her if the baby was planned or not. The important thing was: she wanted that baby NOW, so she was having that baby. (She did tell me that it wasn’t planned, but not because I asked.)

      • Leigha7

        I can understand it somewhat with younger couples, because up to a certain age the reaction is more likely to be “Oh no, I’m pregnant!” than “Yay, baby!” so I can see why they might want to know whether you wanted to have a baby, so they know how they should react.

        I mean, you should be able to tell whether they’re happy about it based on 1. the fact that they’re telling you and 2. the way they tell you, especially if it’s in person, but I can still see why some people would want to make sure (though, of course, “unplanned” doesn’t necessarily mean “unwanted”–people thinking it does is actually a pet peeve of mine).

        That still doesn’t make it okay to ask, of course.

      • KatDuck

        Why do people CARE? I just say, “wow, congrats!” If the parent(s) look shell shocked I tend to go softer on the specific congrats and ask how they’re adjusting (assuming we’re close enough for that.) Because, really, I don’t care and what’s the point of finding out it was a surprise? Little late for birth control tips.

      • AP

        What they’re really asking is: “Was this baby an accident?”

        Most people I’ve met are pretty open about planning vs. running with an accident, so if you have to ask, that means they don’t want to share that news with you.

    • Seriously.

      I understand that y’all need to make money to remain on the web, but PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE THIS MIRACLE WHIP AD STOP!

      • http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/6RJRNA5TLDVT3S3BSGZ5QVKF7Q Vany

        AdBlock is your friend (provided you browse with Firefox). Haven’t had to deal with that stupid auto play ad for months and I’m so glad!

      • psychethos

        The app on chrome works great too. Whenever I have to use a computer now that doesn’t have adblock on it, I can’t believe how many ads there are.

    • Ellie

      Wow, I would NEVER (nevaeh) announce anything having to do with my husband’s anus on Facebook. What is wrong with people?!

    • Metoo45

      All your comments are so awesome!! What I want to say is thank God I’m not the only one who sees this practice as DISGUSTING and totally pitiful! Why do some need the world to know the most intimate details of their most intimate relationships? Is it a need to show the world how happy they are? I know somebody who posted a love letter they received! I was so embarrassed for them and couldn’t make eye contact for weeks after. Not because I knew some stuff I shouldn’t, I didn’t actually read it, but because I questioned his judgement and didn’t want to say something hurtful or break into fits of laughter. My marriage is a private, intimate thing, it’s what makes it so precious. I don’t want anyone but the two us in it!

    • K.

      #3 says it all about contemporary culture: a FB post about a text about shit. Literally.

    • Simone

      I don’t give a f**k about your husband’s colonoscopy.
      That is all.

    • Hannah

      Your writing is stellar in this edition, Blair. I am laughing really hard at #4.

    • Shannon

      If she’s finding out in 3 weeks, they probably didn’t do it at the right time to get pregnant.

    • http://www.facebook.com/amber.davis.5055 Amber Davis

      I’m an 18 year old girl and although I’m not a mother yet, it completely disgusts me how much information people divulge via social media. Intimate relationships should stay intimate, not broadcast. Why should anyone know or need to know the details of your relationship? I agree with you guys, sex and love are between YOU and your PARTNER. It’s NO ONE’S business. I feel sorry for people nowadays. There is such a fine line between public and private information.

    • Huh?

      Also… isn’t it too late to make a BIG sister for Peyton once Peyton has been born? Or is Peyton the name they have already selected for the girl who will one day follow the twins??? Or were they just hoping that Peyton’s younger sister would be a very sizeable child?

      • HC_Mlis

        I had to go back and re-read that one after seeing your comment! Here’s my parsing of it: “make Peyton a big sister” = turn Peyton herself into a big sister (like if Peyton’s mom became queen, that would make Peyton a princess). The next sentence really confuses things by using “make” the other way, as in making someone a cake! It was a thoughtless post in more than one way. :)

      • Huh?

        Aha! I get it now. Thanks for taking the time to clear that up for me :)

    • Misty Henry

      wow grow the fuck up B stop being jealous! if you want a family so bad just wait til your owner is good and ready to breed you.lol

    • canaduck

      Augh why are conception anniversaries a thing???

    • Rachel Sea

      If I cared, even a little bit, about when you conceived (which I emphatically don’t, thanks), I could count back the months myself.