• Thu, Feb 21 - 12:05 pm ET

Anonymous Mom: I Hate That Everyone Demands To Hold My Baby

holding babyAnonymous Mom is a weekly column of motherhood confessions, indiscretions, and parental shortcomings selected by Mommyish editors. Under this unanimous byline, readers can share their own stories, secrets, and moments of weakness with complete anonymity.

I cherish weekends. I leave our apartment for work before the rest of my family. We only have three hours each weekday as a family and a bunch of that time is spent dressing, undressing, feeding, and bathing our daughter. Bottom-line: I miss my kid a lot during the week.

I was a self-admitted Type A before my daughter came along. I liked to be busy, to have my home in order, to be on top of things at work. Since she’s arrived we spend much of our time off cuddling in bed or taking pictures of our chubby baby girl trying to eat snow (of course the control freak in me still has to be talked off the snow-is-dirty-put-your-tongue-back-in-your-mouth ledge, but we make it through).

All of this is pretty normal: woman has baby, woman wants to be with her baby. Nothing extraordinary here. The thing is so many people seem to feel entitled to TAKE — that’s right not visit with but TAKE my not-even-1-year-old daughter from her Dad and I. This isn’t a case where we are abusive and need to be relieved of our parenting duties I assure you. Nope, my in-laws and even one of my sisters constantly ask, cajole, and even demand that we GIVE them our baby.

My mother-in-law asks for our daughter to sleep over her house WITHOUT HER PARENTS every time we see her. Did I mention that she has two other infant granddaughters? For some reason our baby is so interesting that we now have a tug-o-war over her at family functions. It seems the more I say “no” the more vigorously women in our family want our baby. I hear phrases like these, in annoying Southern accents, every time we’re together:

“Don’t worry I’ll just hold her until you all leave.”
“Wouldn’t you like to go away for the weekend and leave her with us?”
“Oh, you get her all the time, I’ll keep her now.”
“You are such a baby hog aren’t you?”*

*Can someone even hog their OWN child?

The very best was a recent comment about how my breastfeeding is getting in the way of my infant’s potential sleepovers:

“You know formula won’t hurt her. I could give her some while she’s at our house since you don’t pump enough for her to stay overnight.”

Right, let’s just change my parenting style to meet your needs. No problem. And while I’m mixing the formula for you I’ll also sign away my parental rights.

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  • Blooming_Babies

    Wow those are some baby crazy friends and relatives…

  • Michelle

    I’m 6 months pregnant and I already have relatives (funny how it is all in-laws being crazy) fighting over baby time. Who’s going to hold the baby first, who’s going to get the first sleepover. Jeez people let me have and enjoy my first child before you all swarm in. I’m told I’m the ridiculous one too bc I don’t want a party in my room while they’re still stitching up my crotch. I don’t get the crazies either and I feel yah.

    • Ale515

      YES! I’m still trying to conceive and already people are telling me that they’re upset that they can’t be in the birthing room!

    • kaiaandjesse

      I made it very clear from the beginning of my first pregnancy that there would be no one in the delivery room that was not present at conception, except hospital staff responsible for getting him out safely. I actually phrased it just like that. :-) I ended up with a c-section 3 weeks early, so it wasn’t a problem. No one had enough time to get here, and we ended up with only one visitor the whole time we were in the hospital.

    • meg

      Well-phrased! I may have to steal that ;-)

    • chris

      yeah im going to steal that too

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jen-Clark/100000568225513 Jen Clark

      Oh jeez, I hate it when people do that, argue about who the first one to hold the baby will be. It’s like the mother will be first duh, and then the father and any siblings. I remember hearing from a few of my friends that their inlaws and extended family came and basically took over the hospital room, their home, and their baby during the recovery and initial bonding time.

  • K.

    Wow. You and I are pretty different. Anytime someone wants to hold the kid, they’re more than welcome to. Meanwhile, I’m like “Sweet Jesus, hot dog, maybe now I can finally get that spit up out of my hair.”

    • Justme

      There is a difference between people kindly asking to hold a child and people making obnoxious demands.

    • K.

      See, I didn’t find the author’s relatives that obnoxious, personally, and I’m not really sure I’d call them “demands” in the way that she wrote about them. I have relatives that have called my husband and me “baby hogs” and relatives that want to hold the baby until we leave and use the phrase “I’ll take him.” I guess I’m the sort of person that doesn’t interpret the offer to
      give the kid formula some referendum on my breastfeeding or forcing us
      to “change our parenting style to suit someone else’s needs.”

      Likewise, to me, a relative saying “Wouldn’t you like to go away for the weekend and leave her with us?” is a pretty generous offer.

    • Justme

      I guess you have to be in that situation to understand it. And if the parents repeatedly say that they are not ready to be away from their child, shouldn’t it be left at that?

      My child was ten days old and we left her with my in-laws to grab a quick bite of dinner. I thought we were being fairly generous to begin with by leaving our infant in the first place. Upon our return 45 minutes later, my in-laws greeted us with “ugh, you’re back already? That was a little quick.”

    • Andrea

      I get what you are saying…but really you should feel blessed! Don’t we want our children to be loved by family? Don’t we want our children to have a “village”?

      And babies grow quick. I think it is important to let grandparents get some baby time while it lasts.

    • Justme

      Never said I don’t want my daughter to be loved, but there is a line between living your grandchild and being disrespectful of the parents and their wishes. I just didn’t want unannounced company, people taking my baby out of my arms or snide remarks about not “sharing” my child. For the record, we see my in laws at least twice a week AND my daughter stays with them every Wednesday.

    • http://www.facebook.com/houde.veronique VĂ©ronique Houde

      I agree. There’s a difference between being interesting and helpful and being overbearing. When someone’s desire and need to see their grandchild or niece is stronger than their ability to see when they’re being overwhelming, it’s normal to want people to back up!

    • Justme

      And I’m not the type of person who likes being catered to or smothered at all. So all of them sitting around watching me hold my child drove me bonkers.

      And then there was the time my MIL texted my husband: “How’s my baby?” And he responded with “I’m fine.”

      We just needed some space and to not be shamed and guilted for needing space. And when I say “space” I mean….not seeing family three times a week but instead only once. I thought seeing a grandchild once a week (once the initial newness wore off and we got into our regular routine) was pretty good….apparently expectations in my family were all a bit difference.

    • http://www.sarahcooksthebooks.com/ Sarah

      I love that that was your husband’s response. A+

    • http://www.facebook.com/LizzieGriggsFowler Elizabeth Griggs Fowler

      YES! We had to tell my family there were ‘visiting hours’ so that they weren’t turning up constantly while he was nursing, or napping (especially when some members thought it was fine to try to wake him to ‘play’) and it frustrated me that in some ways they phrased comments as if I were the incubator for the ‘family baby’ not my OWN baby. We had to draw a few lines in the sand and adjust to parenting our way, I’ll never forget my grandmother trying to tickle the baby while I breast fed in an attempt to get him to unlatch and be free to be held when I was struggling with breast feeding and milk production. We had a TALK after that and everything was fine.

    • K.

      Well, seeing as an ‘agency argument’ (“i guess you have to be in that situation to understand it”) is a zero-sum argument based on unverified credentials–ie, you don’t *actually know* what my situation is, but yes, if the requirement is that I be the writer and experience her exact family set-up (or yours) in order to ‘understand,’ then yes, in that framework, you’re right–I don’t get it. I can’t. I’m not you or the writer. But she wrote the article and published it on this site, presumably to be discussed, and in the interest of discussion, I can propose an interpretation and opinion as a reader–which yes, is different from hers, but that doesn’t make my response less valid AND it doesn’t invalidate what she wrote; it’s just a response.

      The thing that troubles me a bit about this
      article is that she seems to
      have a lot of anxiety. Some of this I’m sure is caused by the
      impositions from her relatives–and okay, maybe they really are a bunch
      of jerks–but the article itself doesn’t suggest anything to me that’s specifically jerky of her relatives, just overexcited and unaware of their effects. There’s also an
      element in her writing of the anxiety coming from wanting to control everything about her baby’s
      environment (and she did refer to herself as controlling). Now, I’m not opposed to that as a parenting style and I’m
      certainly not arguing that she doesn’t have the ‘right’ to feel that way
      or impose those controls; I AM suggesting that it might not be working
      out for her since she seems, well kinda angry–and angry for trespasses that, from my outside perspective, are irritating, but don’t strike me as terribly malicious.

      There are a few places that I kind of
      hesitate to agree with the writer. For one, she seems to want to believe
      the worst of her friends and family–that people really want to “take”
      her baby from her (instead of they find her baby adorable and want to
      coddle it and they probably don’t see their holding the baby as in competition with the time she has with the baby); that they are interested in forcing her to change the baby’s diet and sleep patterns (when for one, it’s a bit unreasonable to expect that everyone else is aware on the specific dietary and sleep habits you’ve set up for your child, and two, someone might think they were removing a burden by offering to feed the baby or take it off mom and dad’s hands); or that they can’t be trusted to keep the baby safe (I do wonder why she would be so uncomfortable with letting her baby stay overnight, unless she doesn’t trust the grandparents).

      I’m NOT saying that she has to do things that make her uncomfortable–if she doesn’t want her daughter to stay overnight at the grandparents’, fine. If she doesn’t want her daughter to drink a drop of formula, fine. I AM however, questioning whether these things are logical things to get that outraged over–and I think that’s a healthy question to pose because, as I said, she doesn’t need to change the outcome–the baby doesn’t have to sleepovers; she doesn’t have to allow friends-of-friends to hold the baby–so why not just ask the question of why the mere idea of it is so terrible and whether her feelings about it are rational or fearful–ie, does she fear that her grandparents can’t be trusted to care for the baby and is that a rational fear? Is it rational to feel that friends-of-friends (the ‘in town’ guests at family functions) shouldn’t hold her baby? Offhand, these concerns sound a bit hyper to me, but then again, maybe the grandparents are bonkers and the townies are hillbillies who think babies holding guns are cute or something. If they’re normal average people, then I think it’s a just a little overprotective.

      The reason why I bring this up is NOT because I advocate her changing her style and doing things outside of her comfort zone, but rather because it sounds like right now she’s running around trying to police how her baby is bathed and handled and handed off at family functions and that is all making her resentful and crazy. It might be a worthy enterprise to take a deep breath, step back, and consider–just consider–that she might not have to do all that.

    • Justme

      The first full day I was home with my daughter from the hospital, my husbands family came over and sat expectantly in the living room, waiting for me to hand off my child. My husband told me to take a nap in my room while he took care of our daughter with his family. I didn’t nap while she was gone. I sat in my bed and cried. I wasn’t ready to share. I wanted to cuddle and sleep with my baby and be left alone with my child and husband. That was the first sign of PPD and trouble with his family. I was admonished for not breast feeding in front of them and for not letting them just walk in the house whenever they wanted to see the baby. Their attitude was more about their relationship with my child and had no regard for me and my husband bonding as a family and readjusting to our new life. This caused me extreme guilt, shame and anxiety – I was afraid to NOT hand her off straight away or else I would be labeled as cold and controlling, but at the same time…I wanted to hang onto her. This is truly a complex issue that is different in every family dynamic.

      My daughter is now two, spends every Wednesday with my in laws and is headed for a sleepover with my parents tonight. I never said I Never ever allow anyone to hold my child, but that I could relate to demands and over bearing people

    • Arianna

      It was sort of the same for me. Everyone came at once, and our son had already had issues and been placed in NICU after he was born. I didn’t get to see him for 6 hours, and only held him for 5 minutes, and then EVERYONE else went to play with him there. We were told he couldn’t be over stimulated or he’d be back in NICU before his next drs appointment, yet there we were with a six week old baby, with over a dozen people in a living room that is ten by 8 feet, over half of them were smoking, and I get BITCHED at because he’s crying… there’s being nice about caring for a baby, and then there’s beyond rediculous.

    • once upon a time

      I agree with you. Every situation is different of course, and this might not pertain to Anonymous Mom’s post or any other situation discussed in the comments, but two things I’ve learned:

      1) The grandparents craziness tends to die down once the baby is born. I also had my parents and my partners parents competing for who would hold the baby first and all that junk when I was pregnant but after my son was born, no one even thought about it. I think the emotions that came with seeing their grandson for the first time overrode everything else.

      2) I think it’s also a kindness to remember the generation gap – this goes for grandparents and parents. Breastfeeding was a sort of crazy, new age-y thing when I was born, my mother didn’t and she doesn’t entirely understand that it’s the norm now. So her comments about, “Oh, just give him some formula,” weren’t said to dismiss my parenting choices, she just didn’t get that giving my child formula for the first time was a big deal to me because it’s just what parents did back then. Imagine if, say, tummy time is discovered to be detrimental to children sometime in the future, and how your suggestions to introduce tummy time when your child has children will be taken.

      Like I said, this goes for grandparents as well – they need to keep in mind that this shit changes all. the. time, and that they need to just accept it if their grandchildren’s parents say no to something.

    • Lisap

      I totally agree. None of the family demands she describes sound unusual to me. Or unreasonable. Family members are going to want to see the new baby. Plus, breastfeeding is great but there is nothing wrong with using formula to supplement it. All of my siblings and I were primarily breastfed but there was always formula in the house, too. Sometimes you just need that little extra help.

      Honestly, it sounds like the woman is a) high strung and used to controlling everything (you have a kid now, you are going to have to learn to let go a bit) and b) very, very busy. Three hours on the weekend to spend as a family? It sounds like she needs to define better boundaries. If she were to have a better work/home balance and be less available to family on the weekends (you have a kid, taking ever other weekend or so off to be with your immediate family = totally reasonable, they may not like it at first but sometimes you just have to put a foot down until they get it) I feel like letting all the other people who love the new baby hold her when she does spend time with them would be a much smaller deal.

  • Justme

    YES! This was my mother-in-law!

    I got an email a month after my daughter was born all about how my husband and I didn’t let my MIL see the baby – she felt like she had to “make an appointment” to see her own grandchild. Um…..yeah, it’s called “we have a life so call to make sure that we’re home and/or dressed and ready for company.” She also said in the email that I never sent her pictures of our daughter and that she cried at the hair dresser because she didn’t know how to answer “what is your grandbaby doing?” because we never tell her anything.

    Again. My daughter was a MONTH old. She was being an infant, not writing her dissertation.

    I could probably go on and on forever on this topic, listing all the cah-ray-zee things my in-laws did regarding my child. Because seriously….it’s all pretty amazingly nutty and obnoxious.

    But this isn’t the suffering Olympics so I’ll stop right here and just say this: be strong in what you feel in your parenting gut. Make sure that you and your husband are on the same page regarding what you are comfortable with and what you feel is appropriate. Although grandparents and other extended family is moderately important, you didn’t have this baby to make your family grandparents or aunties – you had a baby to create a family with your husband….so go on and enjoy those weekends with the three of you and hold onto that baby as long as you want.

    • ali

      My mother in law said the same things to me, and is constantly upset. My husband and I are on the same page but he feels stuck in the middle because she is soooo upset all the time (she does love drama) and I get angered easily by the crazy situation. Any advice? This is the only source of tension in our relationship, his nagging overly needy mother who acts like its her last month on this planet and out 3.5 month old will grow to an adult over night without her seeing her.

    • Justme

      I was really struggling with PPD after my daughter was born which when combined with my MIL’s craziness caused me to retreat even further from the world and it actually took a lot of counseling sessions for me to realize that I am the mother and am fully capable of making the best decision for my child. It wasn’t until my daughter was nine months old that I had enough of her craziness (she was trying to commandeer Christmas for our daughter) and we both sat her down and I was very frank and honest with her. I explained what I had been struggling with the whole year and how her actions had only exasperated the situation. She was a little taken aback but I think it helped to giver her some perspective that her son’s life does exist beyond what she can see….if that makes sense.

      I think it just took me awhile to grow into the role of mother and figuring out what “motherhood” looked like to me – because it was drastically different from the type of mother my MIL is…..and that’s okay. I am much more assertive and have picked a few things to put my foot down about and the rest I just try to ignore.

      I also think that MIL’s have a tendency to feel pushed out from the very beginning. My mother and I are extremely close and therefore my mom got first-hand information about the pregnancy, the birth and the baby while my MIL felt at a disadvantage because sons aren’t always the best about communicating every single detail. So I let her be my FB friend – she sees all the pictures I post (and steals them but whatev) and reads the funny things that my daughter does every once in awhile. We also let her baby-sit my daughter one day a week (the other days she is in an in-home day-care) and they go to the library and gymnastics together. That way she gets “her time” with my daughter and it doesn’t feel so oppressive.

      But I remember being in those early months….it can be absolutely brutal because you’re just finding yourself as a mother and you have this MIL breathing down your neck. It does get better as life slowly adjusts to the “new normal.”

  • chickadee

    I was happy to let family members take my babies because we lived over a thousand miles away from all of them so we all liked the change. But I get the feeling that you live close to many of them, so you have to deal with what sounds like crazy people.

    I recommend establishing the boundaries now–spend less time at family gatherings on your weekends (either bow out or come late and leave early)and set specific times for grandparents to have time. And feel free to say no to anyone. She’s *your* baby!

    • Justme

      I think you hit the nail on the head – proximity makes a difference. My in-laws live five minutes away and we had to establish boundaries when we bought our house (no, you can’t just walk into our house even though we gave you the emergency key) and then had to re-establish them once our baby was born (no, just because we have a baby doesn’t mean we have an open door policy – same boundaries apply as before).

    • chickadee

      That just sounds really stressful to me — I’m impressed that you haven’t gone insane. It was really nice when we visited family or when they came to us, because during the visits I never had to deal with cranky or in-need-of-a-diaper-change babies. Apparently baby poo isn’t that terrible when you aren’t around it all the time…

    • Justme

      It was a rough first year of my daughter’s life but everything has settled down now. My parents were never overbearing because this is their fourth grandchild and live a bit further away – they understood the need for family bonding and also understood ME, if I needed their help I would ask.

  • Ale515

    My Husband and I are TTC our first. The moment he told me that his mom is “A baby hog.” I immediately shuddered and thought “Nope!”. I don’t even have a baby yet and I’m already warding off people. And those comments you mentioned, I’d slap someone. That’s seriously annoying and you’re a better person than me!

  • Carm

    Preach! People are nuts! You do you.

  • Andrea

    If you already have a baby and feel this way (commenters..not author), then that’s fine. Just don’t complain later that your children “don’t have a relationship” with their grandparents or that your MIL is a bitch because “she never offers to babysit”.

    If you haven’t (Ale515), then please please think about this for a little bit. Your family will adore that baby. They will want to hold him and kiss him. Please allow them to do so. This builds the relationship between your baby and other relatives and makes for a much stronger bond later on. And don’t no one tell me that a baby doesn’t know who is holding them. Yes they know. Infant cuddling and bonding is CRUCIAL to development and they KNOW when people holding them. They know when it is mom, then know when it is dad, and they know when it is others. Of course they don’t know who those people are, but they do know. And as they grow, you want your child to have strong bonds with people other than yourself. It is important.

    I know 1st hand how hurtful it is to want to hold and bond with a family member’s baby and mom won’t allow it. I let everyone in my family hold my babies if they wanted to for how long they wanted to. My children have deep bonds with their extended family.

    • Justme

      But it should be at the mother’s comfort level and from what the author is saying, her extended family is doing it in an incredibly obnoxious manner. The child is six months old – the mother and father are not obligated to send their child off for the night if they don’t want to. Becoming pregnant and birthing a child does not give people an open door to feel like they can make whatever demands and expectations they want on you, your body and your child.

    • Ordinaryperson

      I totally agree with the connection between infant cuddling and bonding. I lived for short periods of time with both my parents and my in-laws when my daughter was a newborn, and as she got older plenty of people were able to comfort her if she was upset. My son never got that extra contact you’d get living with the grandparents, and his father was busy with our daughter, so most of the cuddling fell to me. Not a bad deal, but now he is a major sook, and I’m the only one that can calm him when he’s really upset, which does makes me feel good on one level, but it probably would be healthier for him to have stronger relationships with the rest of the family.

    • Andrea

      I don’t know what sook means. But I think bonding as a baby matters later in life. Like I said, I let anyone hold my babies (family of course) and my children have great relationships with their relatives. My sister did not…and it shows. Her children can ONLY be comforted by mom. NO ONE else. That shouldn’t be the way it is and it hurts my parents A LOT.

    • Ordinaryperson

      Like a sooky baby? I calls them sooks. And I definitely think his sookiness is directly related to all the time we spent one-on-one, while my daughter who spent more time with her grandparents isn’t nearly as clingy. It’s not like I planned to keep him all to myself, it just kind of happened. No one seemed to mind though, they had the older one to entertain them, which I guess is probably why I got stuck holding the baby.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=592188905 Bran Chesterton

      I have no idea what sooky is.

    • Ordinaryperson

      sooky baby
      Web definitions
      = sook. A cry baby or timid person.
      en.wiktionary.org/wiki/sooky_baby

    • Lawcat

      To an extent, I agree.

      I think that parents’ (not mom, but parents) comfort level should be paramount. But I also think it can become a control issue. You’re going to burn a lot if bridges by taking the “MY BABY!!” thing to an extreme. And maybe some people are ok with that…who knows. But babies aren’t babies forever. And when kids get to be toddlers, it’s nice to be able to have family and friends to fall back on. No ones going to want to babysit, do favors for, have playdates with, or socialize with a control freak. It’s your right to say my baby, my decisions, but sometimes that comes with consequences.

      The OP’s situation sounds crazy if people are literally lining up, but I think there needs to be some give and take. If MIL wants a sleepover, instead of outright no, give her a timeline, something to look forward to. (For the record, over 28 years ago I was sleeping at my grandmas house when I was 6 months old, so I don’t think WITHOUT HER PARENTS is that odd of a thing).

      I’m the opposite of the OP. maternity leave was awful for me because I was so damn bored. If my mom or MIL wanted to come over and watch the kid while I took a half hour shower, played on my iPad or went grocery shopping sans baby, I was all over that. I wouldn’t like it if strangers were holding my baby or if someone literally grabbed him out of my arms, but if they asked? Go for it.

      I do think we tend to sometimes be hard on our MIL simply because their not our blood family. I notice I’m willing to give my mom a lot more leeway with things that I would get annoyed with if my MIL did them. I have to always keep that in check. Plus, I have a boy, so someday I’m going to be a MIL and my future DIL will probably find some innocuous thing to get annoyed with me with. C’est la vie.

    • Justme

      Like I said throughout this thread – I think there is a difference between “do you mind if I hold her for a little while” and “why don’t you ever let anyone hold her?” I would be much more inclined to acquiesce to the first question as opposed to the latter.

    • Andrea

      Maybe…but we are taking the author’s word for it. I think it is more likely that her in laws feel VERY left out. I know how that feels too.

    • Justme

      And so have I. But you know…that’s their decision. I never said I don’t let ANYONE EVER hold my child, I just hated when demands and snide comments were made and major personal boundaries crossed.

    • Andrea

      My kids have been spending the night at my parents house since they were weaned (around 6 mos). They love it, my parents love it, my husband and I love it.

      They don’t do it with my in-laws because my FIL lives on the other side of the country and my MIL is a lunatic (not my words, my husband’s). But if my FIL lived closer, my kids would spend nights there too.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=592188905 Bran Chesterton

      I just want to say that I like pretty much every comment of yours I’ve ever read, and as a cat-obsessed lawyer myself, I thank you for existing on the internets.

    • Jen

      Kudos for disagreeing and not being a snarky b*tch! Taking the OP at her word, I think her family is pushy and would piss me off too. Now do I really believe that they are that pushy? I don’t know, but that’s how mom feels and so..that’s how she feels, trying to navigate that is tough. Plus I think the level of irritation for this situation would vary by parent. If someone is a more laid back parent or generally just more comfortable parenting (i.e. you, Lawcat) then I think they’ll be more likely to say “Hells yea, I’m eating hot food, you hold that baby!” but I think if someone is insecure or feels like she is being cheated out of time with her own kid then she if she says no, the family should respect that. I don’t have any kids (yet, still working that out) but I have seen family and friends specifically say no sleepovers until 12 months, and grandparents would FLIP OUT (crying etc.) because they didn’t get to snuggle “their” baby at night. Sometimes family members are just bat sh*t crazy.

  • ali

    Thank you so much for this article!! I don’t want ANYONE holding my baby. She is my first, she isn’t even 4 months old and I am already being asked why she can’t sleep over my in laws, why can’t she skip her nap to hang out with them, why doesn’t she crawl yet etc. Shut up people! Leave me and my baby alone please. I want to enjoy every moment with my daughter. I am in a fortunate enough situation that I am home with her all day, taking in every smile and giggle. My mother in law bought a crib all on her own with the assumption I will allow my baby girl (we live not even 5 minutes away) to sleep there. And she is very hurt and upset and doesn’t understand why I won’t allow it. She also (she’s a doctor) doesn’t understand that a less than 4 month old baby needs naps, and also doesn’t need to be around her every minute considering she is around sick patients all day and it’s flu season. I don’t even know why these things have to be explained to a grown woman who has had two of her own children. My own mother came over and she hasn’t been by in a while so my daughter didn’t recognize her and began crying when she held her. So I took her and my mother said I made her too attached to me. Really? Because she is only a few months old. I am pretty sure she can be as attached to me as she wants. Again, thanks for this article as it obviously completely jelled with me. Sorry for the long vent.

    • Ordinaryperson

      I was so happy when my mother in law bought a crib for her house (also less than 5min away from me) Date night!! Woot! Seriously, take advantage of that shit.

    • Justme

      You can have a date night without the in-laws obnoxiously buying a crib that carries with it the assumption that the child WILL be sleeping over. My daughter is almost two, has spent lots of nights with the grandparents….none of which have a crib.

    • Ordinaryperson

      How exactly is it obnoxious to assume their grandchild will at some point be asleep at their house? It’s a crib, not a go fuck yourself box.

    • Justme

      Cribs are expensive and my child didn’t even sleep in one for several months after she was born. If she wasn’t using the crib at our house until she was older, why would she need one at someone else’s home? A pack n’ play is much cheaper and for the occasional overnight stay is plenty for an infant. My MIL thought about getting one and my husband quickly talked her out of that idea because it was an unnecessary waste of her money – money that as a single woman supporting her own aging mother, could be spent in a much better way.

    • Ordinaryperson

      Foolish purchase isn’t really the same as an obnoxious one though, is it? Crib, playpen, same difference really, it’s just a walled space to sleep in. Again, thanks for the crazy discussion, much fun.

    • meg

      It’s her money. Why can’t she spend it as she wishes?

    • Justme

      For us, it was the expectation and precedent that it would set – like she would be expecting our daughter to have multiple sleepovers from the very beginning, which we were not okay with. This was just part of a long laundry list of boundary issues we had with his mother surrounding the birth of our daughter and this was something that we had to put our foot down about so that she understood our child was not her child.

    • meg

      “It’s a crib, not a go fuck yourself box.”

      You’re an asshole. I read this line, and it made me spit Coke Zero all over my screen. NOW I HAVE TO DIG OUT THE LAPTOP CLEANING RAG THINGIES.

      (Seriously, LOL to the max.)

    • ali

      I totally would if my MIL recalled how to care for a baby. Just one example: if I were to tell her that our daughter eats 5 ounces at a feeding, she will only give her 3 because “the baby is getting to fat”. That’s the kind of crazy that’s going on..she projects her lifelong body issues onto my very healthy baby girl. One day I hope I can leave my girl with her grandma because I want them to be close..but right now I can’t fathom it.

    • Justme

      We should totally get together for drinks…

    • ali

      I definitely would. I’ve been feeling badly about the whole situation lately. I’m comforted to know I’m not the only one though.

    • Ordinaryperson

      Just tell her to feed her 7oz, problem solved! No, seriously, that’s nuts. Hope things settle out as she gets older.

    • meg

      “I don’t even know why these things have to be explained to a grown woman who has had two of her own children.”

      …. because she raised two to adulthood just fine?

    • ali

      Actually they are not “just fine” but thanks for your two cents.

    • http://www.facebook.com/LizzieGriggsFowler Elizabeth Griggs Fowler

      Well put – I feel exactly the same way. Like I said in an earlier post my in-laws are pretty respectful as my husband made it clear from day one that I come first and there is no ‘in the middle’ there – he’s on my side, period. I think it hurt his mom to begin with but it’s so much better now. My son is 6 months old and half my family bought baby things expecting him to be over all the time. I’m sorry but my hubby and I saved up for a year before trying to conceive so I could stay home for the first year at least, and I want to soak up EVERY moment of it. When he’s older I’m sure I’ll have “I need to be alone with my husband and a glass of wine” nights but for now we both prefer to do things he can come along for because being with him makes us both SO happy.

  • Ordinaryperson

    Blerg, it must be exhausting to be you people who hate having other people hold/watch your kids. I don’t know how you do it. I spend all day every fucking day with my darling angels, and I do love what I do, but you know what else I love? Me, my husband, a glass of wine, staring blankly at the wall in silence, all sorts of shit I can’t fully enjoy with a kid on my lap. I hope you can learn to relax a little, because it’s pretty silly to get that upset about stupid stuff like a friend of a relative holding your child behind your back (bitch!), or grandparents wanting to spend time with their grandchild.

    • Justme

      There is a difference between asking nicely and demanding obnoxiously.

    • Ordinaryperson

      Well then I guess I’m either oblivious to rudeness or my family is way more awesome than yours, because I’ve never had that problem.

    • Justme

      Lucky you. And it’s not MY family but instead my husband’s. First grandchildren can make the most sane of adults act in extremely insane ways.

    • Ordinaryperson

      I really am lucky. Thanks for the ridiculous comment discussion, it really brightened up my sick day.

    • http://www.facebook.com/houde.veronique VĂ©ronique Houde

      Honestly, what I find is ridiculous about this comment discussion is your sarcastic and snide attitude, and complete carelessness for someone’s feelings. ”my family is way more awesome than yours” seriously are you 9 years old?

    • Justme

      And she flounced out of here too!

    • Ordinaryperson

      Sorry to leave you hanging girl! I was sick and needed to go to bed :)

    • Ordinaryperson

      You’re right, I was being ridiculous, and I said so, the discussion was ridiculous. Honestly, once I read “lucky you”, I realized, yea I am fucking lucky. I am because everyone in my life is so fucking awesome, I just cannot believe that someone can obnoxiously ask to hold a baby. I’m also lucky because I have zero actual drama in my life, so I went online and created some fake stuff, and it really was fun while it lasted, in a sad 13 year old mean girl kinda way.

    • Lisap

      Ever consider that that might go for you, too? And people holding the baby while at a family gathering is not a huge deal. You do get to go home with the baby, after all. If the few hours you spend with family are so precious you can’t stand letting go of her, you need a better balance of your time.

    • Justme

      Let’s review please. If you look at my other posts, you will see that it was NOT the holding that was the issue, but instead the taking the child from my arms, making snide comments about not seeing the child enough (two-three times a week was not enough?!) and sending passive-aggressive emails about how she has to make an appointment to see her granddaughter instead of being able to just pop in the door whenever she wanted. Want to hold my daughter? Just ask sweetly without making me feel like an awful person if I DON’T let you hold her the minute I walk in the door.

    • Andrea

      My is pretty awesome too and I feel EXACTLY the same way you do.

    • Jen

      Snarky comment degrading a stressed out poster? Check. Calling someone’s feelings stupid? check. While I agree with your sentiment, try being less bitchy about it. Whether you agree or not the OP is irked by it. Try being constructive instead of whining about how awful that parenting choice you made is. Because it’s easy for me to say “you chose to have a kid, you don’t get to bitch about not having a glass of wine and relaxing with your husband, that was your CHOICE”. But all that does is invalidates how you feel and makes you seem like a whiner. Just like you invalidated someone else’s feelings. You don’t have to agree with her feelings, but they are her feelings and telling someone they are “silly” for having those feelings is pretty “silly” in itself.

    • Ordinaryperson

      Look, I agree my remarks were flippant, but it’s not like I made them in a support group for mothers suffering with postpartum depression. I’m just a random idiot in a comments section, I’m sure the poster isn’t losing sleep over what I wrote.
      I also just want to clarify that I wasn’t meaning to bitch about my awful parenting choice, like I said I love doing what I do. What I listed as awesome baby free times are things I do do (haha… do-do) because I pawn off my kids on relatives every chance I get.
      I mainly wanted to type that so I could get the do-do thing in.

  • Katia

    This is the first confessional I agree with

  • quinn

    I know how intrusive that can feel. I was a working mom when I had my baby, and I cherished the weekends, but on weekends when I was at family functions I would get slightly miffed when I would walk through the door greeted by half a dozen outreached hands all saying, “Gimme, gimme, gimme!” And breastfeeding was difficult and I was always appalled at how people would just waltz in the room as soon as I started and plop down to talk to me. Establishing boundaries over and over again was very stressful.

    • Arianna

      yeah… I had four or five children following me into the bedroom to watch me nurse because in laws were there ALL THE TIME… and they’d pull baby away because they wanted to play (NEWBORN) and boobies to see for everyone!!! OMG mortifying! I hate apartment living… no locks except in the bathroom, and I’m sure I couldn’t nurse in there, its like a closet haha. But the inlaws are from a WAY different culture I guess?

  • whiteroses

    Yeah, this. My SILs operated under a few delusions while I was pregnant: that the one who smoked like a chimney would be allowed to hold him after she’d smoked (babies smelling like cigarette smoke, not to mention the risk of SIDS? No); that they would be in the delivery room (just to be clear, I love them. They’re friends of mine. But I’m a private person, and they were NOT going to watch as I gave birth); and that they would be staying with us for the first two weeks after my son was born. They lived in the same city we did and came over nearly every day.

    My in-laws also had issues with the fact that I couldn’t (not wouldn’t, but couldn’t) breastfeed until I explained in no uncertain terms that my chest was none of their business.

    One of my SILs looked at me and said, “But he’s our nephew!” My response? “I know that. He’s my son.” That was the only response I gave them. He’s your baby, and while you want him to be around other people, that should not include anything that makes you uncomfortable.

  • Karan

    I feel like I could have written this article word-by-word. Nice to know I’m not the only one! The worst is when people (MIL) try to make you feel like a bad mom for retrieving your crying baby. I’m not spoiling my 3 month old by picking him up when he cries!!!!

  • Tam71

    I felt this way with my dad. I had to fight with him to hold my baby sometimes. And as my son got older, he wanted my son a lot. (He and my mom were married, lived away from me at this point, and wanted my son a lot during school breaks because he didn’t see him as much day to day – nothing creepy). It frustrated me no end sometimes. Then, I saw the relationship my son had with his grandpa, it was priceless. Then, unexpectedly, my father died when my son was 9. I am so glad I swallowed every demand to have him back, every impulse to keep him home on spring break, etc. My son now has memories of the man he really looked up to with no arguing to cloud it. Set boundries, of course. But I think with our parents or in-laws we tend to go into the parent child relationship too quickly and not respond as an adult.

  • Sami

    I went through a rollercoaster ride reading this. First, I was like, “But I like babies, and I only *ask*…” Then I moved on to, “Okay, those people are being crazy unreasonable, they would have crossed the line to no, you just can’t hold the baby at this point.”

    And then the last line. Ow. Because, yeah, I’d love to have my own baby, thanks, but that’s not a possibility for me, at all, so the closest I can get to fulfilling that soul-deep yearning, the only way to soothe the ache of being childless and knowing that there’s every chance I will never know what it truly is to be a mother – the closest I get ever is holding someone else’s child.

    So, thanks for that.

  • an older wiser mom

    I never had either of my parents help when my children were babies, they were far too busy, none of my friends had small children so we drifted apart as our interests changed. I think you sound like a total cow complaining that your child has too much love and too many people who care about your family.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Talia-Gamble/667135257 Talia Gamble

    I feel for you if you’re not going to be getting out of the house as an adult before your child is a year old. My son was eight weeks the first time we got to go out after he was born. We gladly handed him over to our cooing friend and broke the monotonous weeks of being sequestered in the house while we fed, changed, woke up at 2am, rinse repeat etc.. It was a glorious night of dressing up, a drink that wasn’t water, and then tumbling into bed with hubby when we got home and sleeping in until noon the next day. It was MUCH needed. I wish we’d been near family and we would have taken them up on that offer of a weekend away. But we were in a foreign country. So we needed the break more than most.

    I FEEL you on the MIL thing thought. Holy JESUS my MIL tried everything she could to take over when my son was a toddler. She seemed to think that my husband and I were crazy for Free Range Parenting and wanted to snatch him away from ANYTHING that might scrape his knee. Drove us FLIPPIN bonkers. She and I have since had it out and now she knows better. OF course my son is eight now and this was a few years ago, but I still wish I had slapped the shit out of her!

  • http://www.facebook.com/mackenzie.inglet Mackenzie Sue Inglet Legocki

    i totally agree! Me and my Husband just had our first baby a girl and we have had to fight for her to. Even while i was in the hospital, i dont think babies should be held by other family in the hospital because its suppose to be bonding time for the new mommy daddy and baby apparently my nurse donna did not understand this my grandmother came to visit and apparently she knew my nurse and when she came to visit they started talking one thing led to another and this nurse from hell said “oh lets let nana hold the baby.” then she tried to take my not even day old daughter away from me while we where trying to nurse and my husband backed me up and VERY politley told the nurse no we do not want people holding our baby right now my grandma and the nurse then looked at us like we where either the devil or bat crap crazy they left the room and i then found out they where talking about us in the hall way i STILL get crap from my mom and grandma that i wouldnt let them hold her people need to learn boundries

    • LeslieAnn

      Well you do sound crazy! Man being related to a controlling helicopter mom must be lots of fun.

  • EmilyRose

    My son was 5 weeks old the first time he had a “sleepover” at my Mom’s. I was unsure of letting him go, but we hadn’t slept more than 6 hours in those 5 weeks and I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. As for in-laws…mine live a state away and when we visit, it’s as if our baby only appears for a few minutes a day. People definitely get baby crazy! At least I know my son won’t have separation anxiety when he gets older :)

  • guest

    It’s just as bad when parents force you to hold their baby. Do you want to hold the baby? No, I do not. Well, here it is anyway.

  • http://twitter.com/neva_eva_always Neva Eva Always

    I always USED to be a gimme gimme gimme until I took my two nieces to the mall when one was maybe 8 months old or maybe not even that old and in a store these two little girls kept touching her like she was a toy. Then they demanded I let them hold her and they looked dirty and messy so I said no and they asked “Why not?” The mom even looked offended that I said no and they were strangers. Now my niece has a baby and my parents demand her and would probably throw a fit if they couldn’t hold her (literally btw) and I ask. I raised that niece and they were taught to respect the grandparents so of course she’s not going to tell them no but then she always tracks me down to hand her off to me

  • Ceunei

    Haw, I guess it helps most women hate me on sight. No one bothered me about holding my baby. Of course, I’m also an older mom who picked trash in a past paid job…so…once I give anyone the “i can look at your garbage bags and know what they weigh without even picking them up” look…I get the respect I feel I deserve.

    You are the mom. It is your baby, and, other than sharing baby with daddy (very recommended, BTW, personal experience), hold that baby as long as you can. It goes fast, don’t let anyone get in the way of you holding your baby.

  • Leanne Adshead

    my son is now 4 months old since i gt out of hospital i gave veen livin with the inlaws i do have my own house but my husband is to bonidle to go ba k, livin here with inlaws has made me depreassed, she has no respect on the name i have choaen for my son she keeps callin him the name she likes, she dusnt understand i am sufferin frm pnd, she always takes my son off with no askin cause of tjhis his routine is messed up, i feel like goin mad at her cos i have bottled this up for months and i am at point to juat lashin out my bro in law swears alot around my son gets in his face when am tryna fees my baby i juat wiah they wud back off, one thing tht really cheesed me off was when she held my son and said theres your mum oh thts not ur mum im ur mum. i mean serously why wud u say tht u wud atleast say im ur grandma, im sick and tired of her butting in i wanna say summit but i dnt wanna upaet them but im at tht point now where i dnt care cos i feel realli insulted and derespected its like u had ur go with ur 3 kids and now its my turn so leave me to do i frel like running off bk ome in the nigt just to get away hiw can say summit withoit um gettin upset

  • http://www.facebook.com/LizzieGriggsFowler Elizabeth Griggs Fowler

    I’m very lucky that my husband always stands by me when it comes to my in-laws. I actually have amazing in-laws that love me and our baby but aren’t too ‘grabby’ when they’re around. I’m very very close to my family as is my husband. All 12 of us live in 5 houses no more than 7 minutes away from each other. When my son was born I was thrilled to have my mom, sister, and husband in the room. We literally had 15 people in the room that night after he was born. I was proud to show him off but afterward got very possessive.

    My mom told me she was concerned I had PPD after a 2 week hospitalization when my son was 6 weeks old. We’re insanely close but this was a difficult point – I felt like I’d just missed my baby and didn’t want to feel compelled to share him. My grandparents just showed up often after I had him and I’d have to run back to our bedroom with my breast in his mouth so my grandfather wouldn’t pass out (my grandmother led these visits he would’ve called first). We have a family lunch or cook out every Sunday and I started wearing our Baby Ergo to each one so he was strapped onto me and people wouldn’t swoop in trying to take him away.

    Now that he’s 6 months old I’m getting a LITTLE more relaxed about this but still want my baby to myself mostly. There are occasional times I’ll let my mom or sister or aunt babysit but overall I want to plan outings where Lochlan can come with us because I miss him so much if I don’t. One day I’ll be more relaxed about this I hope, but for now I want to take every opportunity I have during this first year of being a stay at home mom to cuddle him, rock him to sleep, and be a BABY HOG without any guilt or argument whatsoever. I’m lucky enough to have a partner who wants to be with his son as much as I do and will use his 6’3, 56 inch shoulder frame to physically ‘block’ people from trying to take him if he can tell I’m just not feeling it. Have I mentioned I love my husband? So take charge, don’t feel guilty or like you have to share, most of these relatives have had children of their own and I doubt they turned them over all the time so you’re not committed to either. I love my family, but my baby gets top billing. I was SO happy to read this article, the whole way I thought YES! YES! Exactly! Why do they do that? So thank you for letting me know I”m not alone :)

  • Chi-town

    I just flew 4 hours to visit my fiancee’s brother (a long weekend) and ever once was offered to hold their baby. It is very upsetting. Why because it makes you think that they don’t trust you. What am I doing to do drop him. I am 36 years old. I was not sick, the baby smiled at me a bunch, but no offer. It makes you feel horrible. So you may want to think of that…..

  • chris

    my mil wants to be in the labour room to see how the baby comes out and wants to hold the baby first..what should i do

    • Ashley Poe

      It’s up to you if you want her in the delivery room and if you WANT her to be the first. Me, I’d tell her hell no. When my son was born, my husband was the first one that held him and then me. My grandmother, mother, brother, and sister arrived hours later and got to hold him, but for the most part, it was me and my husband. If you don’t want her to, tell her no. Tell her you want to be the first one as IT IS YOUR CHILD. Stand up for yourself and your baby.

  • Sad

    Wow – be grateful you have family who loves your children and wants to be a part of their lives. There shouldn’t be so many rules on how and when to love your grand kids.