largeWelcome to my weekly Bad Mom Advice column where I attempt to answer all of your parenting questions as only I know how — with zero degree in early childhood development, but with the experience of raising four kids and not having any of them in prison – yet! Plus, I back all my advice on numerous scientific research, which may or may not include me making fun of your dumb kid behind your back and drinking a bunch of wine! Welcome to Bad Mom Advice!

I’m potty training my 3 yr old son. He pees in the potty but still won’t poop. He holds it all day then goes in his pants. Advise.

Why the hell are you potty training your kid in the winter? That’s stupid. You have to wait until it’s no-pants weather in order to potty train a child. Then you do what I did, when it’s warm enough you strip your kid from the waist down and let them spend their days peeing on themselves. Because they never actually really do this, kids are smart and if they are naked and they wanna go they get all panicked and scream MOM I HAVE TO GO and then you take them into the bathroom and they do their happy little business and you praise them like crazy and possibly put a temporary Spiderman tattoo on their arm.

I hated potty chairs and always thought they were creepy, especially the ones that played music when a kid used them. They are like portable plastic germ machines that look nothing like real toilets and then the adult has to dump the waste from them and no. I used those plastic toilet rings that go over normal-sized toilets because it made the transition from potty training to being a normal waste-disposing human easier, and plus I had no interest in dealing with a plastic bowl full of urine.

Most parenting experts — like me! — say that kids are ready to potty train between 22 and 30 months of age and if you are forcing them to do it before then you are probably raising a serial killer. The naked thing worked great for me, or maybe my kids are just really smart and they hated wearing diapers. During the night I used Pull-ups, but they got out of those pretty quickly too. I know my daughter caught on quicker than my sons, which just means that women are far superior than men. Praise your kid a ton, reward them with goofy stickers and stuff, buy yourself some wine. Good luck!

NEXT: I HATE OTHER PARENTS

PREVIOUS: POTTY TRAINING IN THE WINTER IS BOGUS

I HATE OTHER PARENTS! Here’s a bad parenting question… What do I do when a parent suggests a playdate to my face but behind my back says she doesn’t want our kids playing together. Ever?

Stab? In the eye? Just fucking be honest. I get it. My kid’s difficult. You don’t have to fucking go out if your way to LIE, though.

Why the hell do you think I can answer this? I hate other parents too. I hate their whiny, spoiled, bratty obnoxious kids and I hate how other parents are always humble-bragging about some stupid shit their kid did that all kids do and yet they expect you to feign excitement over the fact little Billy learned how to tie his own shoes. Plus, I hate playdates because some kid always comes over to my house and puts their feet on my furniture and doesn’t say “please” and tries to play sexy games with the Barbies. Screw that.

There are very few kids your own kid will get along with. There are even less parents you will get along with. Your kid doesn’t need a pile of friends. They need one or two good friends who have a parent you can tolerate which basically means you have someone to swap off car-pooling duties with or who can watch your kid in case of emergency like getting tickets to a Jay Z concert or who will bring you a bottle of wine on your birthday. Ignore the bitchy mom because her kid is probably stupid anyway.

Need some bad mom advice? Hit me up in the comments or reach me below.