• Fri, Feb 15 2013

Bad Mom Advice: Potty Training In The Winter Is Bogus And I Hate Other Parents

largeWelcome to my weekly Bad Mom Advice column where I attempt to answer all of your parenting questions as only I know how — with zero degree in early childhood development, but with the experience of raising four kids and not having any of them in prison – yet! Plus, I back all my advice on numerous scientific research, which may or may not include me making fun of your dumb kid behind your back and drinking a bunch of wine! Welcome to Bad Mom Advice!

I’m potty training my 3 yr old son. He pees in the potty but still won’t poop. He holds it all day then goes in his pants. Advise.

Why the hell are you potty training your kid in the winter? That’s stupid. You have to wait until it’s no-pants weather in order to potty train a child. Then you do what I did, when it’s warm enough you strip your kid from the waist down and let them spend their days peeing on themselves. Because they never actually really do this, kids are smart and if they are naked and they wanna go they get all panicked and scream MOM I HAVE TO GO and then you take them into the bathroom and they do their happy little business and you praise them like crazy and possibly put a temporary Spiderman tattoo on their arm.

I hated potty chairs and always thought they were creepy, especially the ones that played music when a kid used them. They are like portable plastic germ machines that look nothing like real toilets and then the adult has to dump the waste from them and no. I used those plastic toilet rings that go over normal-sized toilets because it made the transition from potty training to being a normal waste-disposing human easier, and plus I had no interest in dealing with a plastic bowl full of urine.

Most parenting experts — like me! — say that kids are ready to potty train between 22 and 30 months of age and if you are forcing them to do it before then you are probably raising a serial killer. The naked thing worked great for me, or maybe my kids are just really smart and they hated wearing diapers. During the night I used Pull-ups, but they got out of those pretty quickly too. I know my daughter caught on quicker than my sons, which just means that women are far superior than men. Praise your kid a ton, reward them with goofy stickers and stuff, buy yourself some wine. Good luck!

NEXT: I HATE OTHER PARENTS

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  • http://twitter.com/TwAlexLee Alex Lee

    Hi, Bad Mom Advisor. I have a son and daughter and they fight *constantly*. One is a neat-freak while the other is a raging tsunami. I’ve tried emphasizing how they should love each other, live harmoniously, and not sweat the little things, yet the sibling-rivalry continues to boil-over every night.

    Should I just let this play out and hope it resolves itself (possibly years) later? Failing that, would you suggest an MMA Octagon cage be installed on the upper floor or in the basement?

    Sincerely,
    -A

    • http://www.facebook.com/bcking13 Brandon King

      Sibling rivalry never ends. I vote Octagon.

    • http://www.facebook.com/paul.white.3532507 Paul White

      Octagon. My brother and I broke a few doors and walls (we were big, rambunctious kids). So the cage might save your house :P

  • http://www.facebook.com/bcking13 Brandon King

    “if you are forcing them to do it before then you are probably raising a serial killer” BAHAHAHAHA!!! words to live by. I’m gonna apply this to everything. :)

  • K.

    Question: I recently had dental surgery and was put on Vicodin. My pediatrician said it was ostensibly safe for breastfeeding (I was also on Vicodin and breastfeeding the kid after giving birth to him via c-section to no ill effects) but if the drug puts me to sleep, then it would probably have a sedating effect on the kid. There is a risk with sedation, she informed me, of things like sleep apnea and sleeping too long and missing meals. She suggested I pump and dump, or at the very least, be around to monitor him sleeping after feeding him. Well, the kid did nap for 4 hours which indicates he was sedated, so I woke him up and he had no trouble staying awake and eating after that. But I figured, I should probably err on the side of caution.

    So I pumped and…saved it. Because I figured that Vicodin-spiked breastmilk might come in handy for a cross-country flight or something, but somehow, writing that you’ve saved up milk in the anticipation of one day drugging your child just sounds unethical. Thoughts?

    (j/k)–Eve, I love this column.

    • Michelle

      I like you.

    • Alexmmr

      I like you too.

    • Portia

      Gawd, I’d wish I thought of this idea. Brill!

    • http://www.facebook.com/paul.white.3532507 Paul White

      that is awesome. I wish we had vicodan spiked milk right now TBH. Samuel is being insanely fussy.

    • http://www.xojane.com/author/eve Eve Vawter

      I so wish this wasn’t a joke :( This is the best question ever ever!

    • kat

      you. i like you.

  • Carm

    This column is going to be INCREDIBLE!

    Question: My 9 month old sleeps with me & my husband in bed. Not because I care about the “family bed” but because it’s the only way she’ll sleep. Everyone’s first question is always HOW IS SHE SLEEPING and I don’t know how to answer without calling myself a failure. I don’t blame her for wanting to be close to me, but I do blame myself for being spineless about putting her in a crib. The questions are: how do I answer people asking about my kid’s sleep & should I make an effort to get her to sleep in her crib? How?

    • http://www.xojane.com/author/eve Eve Vawter

      Short answer? Tell them to shut the fuck up. Long answer? Coming Friday!!!

    • G.E. Phillips

      Does your kid sleep? Do you sleep? Yes? Then you’re doing it right!! Parenting WIN.

  • Carm

    Sexy games with Barbie’s = actually LOL’d

  • Neo

    I offered to babysit my friend’s kid who was 4 and still not totally potty trained for faeces. I told my friend point-blank that I was not changing nappies on a goddamn 4-year-old.

    He arrived without nappies, and of course he crapped himself over the course of the day. I marched him outside and cleaned him with the hose (not winter, but the day was pretty chilly), then made the kid wash his own pants. This was 3 weeks ago and apparently he hasn’t had an accident since. Tough love win.

  • kat

    I don’t have children, but now I want to just so I can ask you a question and read your hilarious reply (and the comments with give me a good laugh as well).

    • kat

      *always give me a good laugh, as well. my first ever comment and it has a typo. great.

  • Pingback: 10 Parents Who Are Completely Over Potty Training - Mommyish