STFU Parents: A Mother’s Love On Valentine’s Day, Volume II

Last Valentine’s Day, I introduced a slightly “taboo” subject about the ways to define a mother’s love for her son(s), and this year I’m back with another installment. As I mentioned last year, I understand that the love between a mother and son is a magical thing. It’s easy to see why a mom wouldn’t want her little boy to become a man overnight. The love that sons have for their mothers at a young age is so precious, it’s no revelation that women want to shout from the rooftops that their boys are the sweetest, most affection children ever born.

However, there’s a difference between being proud of that bond and being obsessed with it. Some women take their “mother’s love” and turn it into something that goes beyond your average Hallmark card. And with Facebook acting as a stand-in diary, they’re penning love notes to their sons or bragging about their “relationship” in status updates on a regular basis. I don’t think these women are feeling anything for their kids that other mothers don’t feel; they’re just choosing to express those feelings publicly, like a teenage boy standing on a cafeteria table in an ’80s movie. They want the world to know that their kid is their greatest creation, and that being a mother has opened their eyes to a different kind of love. So in honor of Valentine’s Day, I’ve compiled several examples that showcase what a mother’s love on Facebook really looks like. If you thought exhibiting love for a child was as simple as posting a picture with the caption “My little man!,” boy, are you wrong.

1. Crushes

STFU Parents

This is one of those status updates where the first two lines sound reasonable until you realize you’ve been set up. First, Lynelle thinks her kid is a miniature Matt Muenster. Then, Lynelle thinks her kid is going to grow up to be Matt Muenster. And THEN, Lynelle admits that she has a crush on Matt Muenster, which now just sounds creepy and weird. Should’ve stopped while she was ahead.

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  • Tammy Gaudreault

    Sharpie on a kid sure does sound safe..not! And to the one who used Sandy Hook as an excuse to show off her love for her kid, blow it you insensitive woman!

    • Ann

      Oh my god, paranoid much? Only organic berries hand squeezed into a bottle for you?? The tattoo was bad, but paranoia about sharpies? No wonder kids are screwy.

    • Tammy Gaudreault

      Wow! That was seriously uncalled for honestly. I meant in the sense that it takes forever to wash off and you gotta scrub pretty hard which essentially hurts the kid. Assume makes an ass of you and me. No need for this kind of harping on. Hostile much?

    • wmdkitty

      Considering the location of the ink, what does it matter if the parent tries to scrub it off in one go (bad idea) or decides to give it a vigorous (but not painful) scrub every bath-time until the ink wears/washes away? I, personally, would opt for the second less-hostile-to-skin option…

    • Tammy Gaudreault

      I honestly didn’t know about Goop until now. My husband had mentioned about it once 2 years ago but that’s about the only time I’ve ever heard of the stuff. With that in mind I do retract my sharpie remark about it not being safe even though it still sounds a little silly to be drawing on your kid. College parties? Yea. On your kid at home? Fail lol. I still think the comment about Organic stuff was seriously uncalled for.

    • Miranda

      My mom thought it was hilarious to draw a “biker tattoo” (heart, arrow, ribbon, ‘MOM’) on my two-year-old. It came out looking more like a kidney though, toddlers and their wiggling! Still, my response was “Aww – wait, why were you drawing on the kid? Weirdo!” I guess it isn’t any worse than the time my husband and I gave him tribal temporary tattoos when he was like eight months old, though…

    • wmdkitty

      Oh, and if it simply -must- be removed five minutes ago, there’s Goop. Stuff will damn near strip a tattoo but it’s really gentle on the skin.

    • meg

      Tattoo ink is made for being put under the skin. Sharpie ink is not. They’re different.

    • AP

      Regular Sharpie comes off with a little rubbing alcohol or hand sanitizer. However, the “tattoo” in that picture has the same tip size, color, and saturation of a Crayola Washable. I’ve gotten a LOT of ink off my skin over the years.

      Industrial sharpies, btw, should be kept in a biometric lockbox if you have kids. NOTHING gets that stuff off. It’s great if you need to label water bottles or pool equipment, though.

    • Miranda

      I collect Sharpies, and I second that. The one time one of my kids got hold of my Industrial, I was like “NOOO NOT THE WALL!” As for the Magnum… I won’t even uncap it in the house, we’d all be high from fumes within minutes.

  • JessicaDawn

    I had so many witty, snarky comments… but nothing quite as mind-boggling as Dawn using that “BOOM!” right after saying Sandy Hook… omg!!!

  • Jenni

    Number 4 was just weird. But, it reminded me of a far cuter story that I’d read a long time ago on Included it for reference:

    FYI, this is a much sweeter story, and gives me hope that not all kids are brats.

  • libraryofbird

    The last one makes me want to hurl. That is fucking gross.

  • Zach Rosenberg

    I might be the odd man out on this, but I also am not a fan of parent-child valentine exchanges. I suppose it can be done benignly or innocently, but I just consider Valentine’s Day a romantic thing for people dating/married/mutually-pretending-to-care-so-they-can-have-oral. I just don’t get having that romantic relationship with your kids in the equation, but I’m not out there trying to stop anyone from giving valentines to whomever they’d like.

    • meg

      My mom sent me flowers (like, daisies or something, not a huge vase of roses) while I was in college. I was kind of embarrassed at the time, but in retrospect, it was really sweet – and helped with me feeling homesick my freshman year.

    • K.

      I’m not either, although I think there’s a difference between a lighthearted acknowledgment of the holiday with your kids and making your kids your “valentines.”

      As kid, I did receive token gifts, like some candy hearts or something, from my parents and maybe a card with the requisite $1 from my grandma. I exchanged valentines with other kids at school and there were years that mom and I would bake a VDay cake for the family or some VDay cupcakes or something, but it was really an adult holiday in our household. Dad would bring home flowers and my parents would usually go out and make a night of it for themselves. If anything, VDay was a “holiday” for us kids because we got to watch videos and eat mac ‘n cheese!

    • Emmali Lucia

      My mom would take me out to pizza on Valentines day. Because they have those awesome heart-shaped pizzas.

      But yeah, I always thought of it this way:
      If you’re single, then Valentines Day is like your friend’s birthday. It has nothing to do with you, so leave it alone.

    • wmdkitty

      With my family, we celebrate on both the “schmoopy romantic” level and the “candy? groovy…” level.

    • Justme

      Our anniversary is in two weeks so Valentine’s Day for us is about family…..but not in the creepy way. Our daughter is small so she still likes to dress up, cover us in kisses and eat candy. I get flowers from my husband and I give him a six pack of beer. I actually think of VDay as more of a kids holiday and not a romantic one….

    • Tinyfaeri

      I’ve gotten my mother flowers every Valentine’s since I was a freshman in college, and she and my dad now give my husband and I a card with a gift card in it (or now a promise of babysitting). Before they always sent me a card or a silly little stuffed animal and so did my grandmother while she was alive – not “romantic,” just cute. I always looked at Valentine’s as a holiday where you can let anyone know you love them, not just for romantically involved people. I’m a bigger fan of romantic gestures on a random Tuesday (waffles for breakfast, a chocolate covered strawberry just because) than saving it up for once a year anyway. To each his or her own, though. :)

    • whiteroses

      I get “you’re an awesome daughter” valentines from my parents all the time, and my father has always given me a bouquet of roses. They expanded the tradition to include my son this year, and I think that’s great. I agree with Tinyfaerr- my college roommate and I were like sisters, and we exchanged roses and half-price candy the day after Valentine’s Day.

      For my husband and I, Valentine’s Day is a nonissue, since his birthday is the day before and frankly, there’s only so much romantic gift-giving I can do in a 48 hour period. I figure doing his laundry, cooking his meals, and appreciating the heck out of him is gift enough :). Besides, the most romantic gift he can give me at this point, since we have an 8 month old, is two hours to myself.

    • LiteBrite

      I used to think of V-Day in the romantic sense when I was single. Now that I’m old and married, I think of it more as a general love holiday. I got my son a little gift and a card and did the same for my husband, but of course the nature of the gifts and cards was VERY different for both. Our son is five, and V-Day doesn’t hold much connotation for him other than you wear red and get valentines at school, so I’m not too worried about any impropriety with him. As he gets older, I’ll probably leave the gift-giving to him and his significant other.

    • BarlowGirl

      My mom got me a necklace and then a card on the 15th (long story) and then I complained at her that she didn’t get me any chocolate XD

      When kids are little, we tend to focus on Valentine’s day as being a time to show people you love them, romantic or otherwise. (Trust me, I just read like 25 valentine’s day themed picture books for work.) That’s why kids give out cards at school and stuff. I gave out treatbags to the kids who came to my Storytime.

    • Persistent Cat

      I hate any kind of an exchange on Facebook between couples or people who live under the same roof that involves something they probably said to each other. Don’t wish your spouse a happy anniversary / valentine’s day or your child a happy birthday on Facebook. Say it to them. But unfortunately, you get less attention that way.

    • Leigha7

      My family always gave me chocolate or a stuffed animal for Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. There was nothing different about that (to me) than the parties we had at school, exchanging valentines with classmates and eating heart-shaped cookies. I didn’t really see Valentine’s Day as a romantic thing until I was older, and then I was more than willing to bow out and let them have their holiday.

      I think our culture in general (at least in the US) typically sees Valentine’s Day as being for couples but also just a good time for hearts and candies for everyone, so I have no problem with parents including their kids in that part of it. But if you make it sound romantic in any way…ick. But I mean, really, if it were JUST a romantic holiday, kids wouldn’t be handing out valentine’s to all their classmates in elementary school. (On that note, however, why are some of those rather creepy sounding in context?)

  • K.

    B, I’ve been reading your blog a long time, and Dawn (#6) is like the clusterfuck-trifecta-Bermuda-Triangle of all STFU, Parentsdom:

    1. Gross-Out Factor – check
    2. Current Events – check
    3. Sanctimommy – check (seeing as the rest of us who don’t lick our children’s boogers clearly failed in the empathy department re: Sandy Hook)
    4. Language Butchery – check (what’s the issue with apostrophes?)
    5. And overall “WTF”??!!

    If only this were a response to some other person complaining about how annoying nasal congestion is then we’d have mommyjacking. Alas, we fall short of comedy heaven.

    • STFUParents

      Totally agree! She came close. :) No Mama Drama, though.

  • Rawrseal

    #6 just makes me want to crawl into a corner until the mental image leaves my brain.

    And #2 needs to realize that:
    A. Oedipus didn’t realize it was his mother at first.
    B. When he did find out, he stabbed his own eyes out with a pin and his mother/wife hung herself.

    Then again, she’s a blessed mummy of a beautiful snoewflaike, so who has time to read?

    • Alice Longworth

      It could have been a perfectly normal post minus the Oedipus reference. Just like the 1st one would have been fine without the last sentence. Why do these mombies always have to step over the sanity line? (Dawn of course left that l line about a mile behind).

    • Rawrseal

      Those ones always get me. They could just stop at ‘Awwww’, but frequently don’t and then it swerves into Crazy Train territory.

      To quote one of my favorite books: “We have now left Reason and Sanity Junction. Next stop, Looneyville!”

    • Lindsayface47

      Aaah Dresden Files! That series provides for some fantastic quotes that really just relate to everything. Including crazy mombies, it seems.

    • ladycrim

      I love that book series!!

    • Yves

      Hello she’s a MOM she doesn’t have time to read literature anymore because she’s so busy being a MOM. Stop getting all nit picky with the actual details of the story over here. lol ;)

    • Miranda

      Oh damn, I didn’t realize being a mom knocks out reading as a pastime. BRB need to burn all my books and cancel my preorders for new ones… =’(

    • Sara

      OMG, I literally sprayed coffee on my computer screen when I read this comment. That was amazing. You win! :)

    • goofyjj

      but she has time for facebook!

    • jill_sandwich

      The term “Oedipal Complex” isn’t a direct reference to the story, it’s a psychoanalytic term for Freud’s belief that every small child wants to marry their same-sex parent and kill their opposite-sex parent. It’s totally wrong, but in that context, #2 was using the term correctly.

    • Imalia

      Except that it’s the other way around, the theory that every child wants to kill their same sex parent and marry the opposite. Also, for daughter-father it’s an Electra complex.

    • jill_sandwich

      Oops, you’re right, I bungled that one.That’s what I get for not proof-reading.

    • Marta Jary

      Yeah that tale seems like a tragic portrayal of Genetic Sexual Attraction.

  • Carol

    Dawn just made me throw up in my mouth. A lot.

    • Alice Longworth

      Call her, she’ll lick up any spills

  • Ann

    The one bout the eldest son taking mom out was cute. She didn’t say hot date or anything like that, it was just dorky and sweet.

  • Erica

    Eating your kid’s boogers has nothing to do with love. Tissue, please.

  • wmdkitty

    Oh. My. Ceiling Cat.

    • Simone

      Heh. Thank you.
      Ceiling Cat.
      Happy place.

    • Miranda

      I was thinking more “Oh My Flying Spaghetti Monster,” but this too. QUICK, APPEAL TO EVERY DEITY YOU CAN THINK OF! Oh my Jesus Buddha Allah Lord Ganesha Ceiling Cat Odin Whoever I Don’t Care Just Make It Stop!

  • Andrea

    As a mother of two sons, ALL of these submissions grossed and creeped me RIGHT OUT. Ewwwww

  • TheHappyPappy

    Thanks Dawn for making me gag and almost puke. That’s absolutely revolting, why would you do that? And why the hell would you be so disgusting and inconsiderate as to post it? I’d rather have snot caked all over my shirt than that.

    Ug, I really have to stop talking about this or I might puke. Yes, the thought of eating someone else’s bodily waste makes me physically sick. So sue me.

    • kitten

      agree agree agree. i dont even like it too much when my 20 month old kisses me on the lips because her lips are wet, and thats just saliva. shes a baby so i give her a pass. but snots? noooooooooooo

  • Alice Longworth

    Waa?? I thought it was BREAST, not boogers are best.

  • Yves

    the boob one looks like child porn to me, like that kid looks about 7 to me sucking on a tit. GROSSSSS. I feel like I just looked at something illegal!

    • meg

      Really? We’re going to start the “extended breastfeeding is obscene/abuse/child porn” debate again?

    • AP

      It’s obscene or abuse if the parent or child is obtaining sexual pleasure from it. The wording in the boob one certainly sounds borderline in that regard.

    • RCIAG

      And I think the gross part isn’t that she’s doing it, it’s that she’s posting public pics of it.

    • whiteroses

      Yeah, this. Breastfeeding is a lot like doing charity work. If you HAVE to publicize it, chances are good you’re not doing it for the right reasons.

    • Katia

      I nursed till 16 and 20 months and I felt guilty for stopping becuse my kids like the vast majority “loved it so much” weird wording but I’m not creeped out –she’s just trying to be funny. It’s a mothers love to give our kids comfort .not get any

    • EditKitten

      I’m definitely creeped out.

    • Linn

      When it comes time for my son to experience the joy of boobs, I do not want him to have any memories of mine. Wean that kid. Yeah yeah, we sexualize them too much in this society, but here’s where we live. And seriously, my friend found her parents’ sex Polaroids when she was about 10 and apparently she still gets mental flashes of them at inopportune moments.

    • Persistent Cat

      Oh God! There’s no recovering from that.

    • Ella

      Like that 8 year old kid breastfeeding on Cat’s sister on Game of Thrones. AAAAH AVERT YOUR EYES.

  • Lindsayface47

    Up until this point, I considered myself to have basically no gag reflex. I basically grew up in hospitals, so there’s really nothing I haven’t seen.

    Thanks for clearly proving me wrong, Dawn. Eww.

  • kitten

    Yesterday, i post the valetine my 1st grade son made for me, it was a Princess Leia made out of Origami. My own father commented on it “now thats true love” that made me feel squiky, so i wrote back “you mean Han and Leia?” he replied “Nooooo how much your son loves his mom” I knew that dad. I knew that.

    • Ronnie

      Shoulda said “you mean Luke and Leia?”…aaaaaand the squick circle would be complete.

  • Fabel

    “My treat”, but “you pay” & drive?

    Sorry, can’t get past that.

    • NeuroNerd

      I get the impression that her kid isn’t that old. He probably doesn’t get the real meaning of “my treat”; he’s just heard other people say it and wanted to work it into a sentence. That kind of language butchery from 5-9 year old is actually pretty cute.

    • Fabel

      True, I was just picturing a teenager for some reason.

    • Leigha7

      Even if he is a teenager, a 13 or 14 year old wouldn’t be able to drive and probably wouldn’t be able to pay (or, at least, would have to spend most of their money to do so).

    • Sundaydrive00

      I’m pretty sure hes a teenager considering she tagged him in the post.

    • Poogles

      There are plenty of of kids under 13 on FB, even though they’re not supposed to be. I know of at least a few 7-10 year olds among family and friends who are on FB.

  • Horrid Baby Names

    I seriously don’t get people. I truly don’t.

  • Paul White

    lick them off? What the hell, doesn’t she have hands? can’t she just wipe them off?!

  • whiteroses

    These submissions? Right here? This is why people look at my best friend’s older brother and his mom as if they’re incredibly creepy, when in fact they are merely dear friends. When he was in high school, she stayed up at nights sometimes so he could come in and talk to her. He’s married to a great girl, and they all have a wonderful relationship.

    There’s nothing wrong with a boy being close to his mother. But some of these submissions are veering into Norman Bates territory if someone doesn’t put a stop to it right quick.

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  • Summer Blue

    The last made me throw up some in my mouth. That’s so gross.

  • Williwaw

    All of these are messed-up but Dawn’s is the worst. It’s like the opposite of mommyjacking – instead of inappropriatedly inserting some insensitive and disgusting child-related comment into an unrelated update, she inappropriately inserted a reference to a horrible tragedy into her disgusting child-related update. Eurgh.

  • Simone

    I am so unhappy right now…

  • Miranda

    This is just gross. I mean, #6… Disgusting. I have kids, and I’m sorry, maybe I’m just not as awesome a mother as Dawn OBVIOUSLY is (gag), but if my kids are covered in snot, the snot gets wiped off BEFORE any kisses happen…

  • OedipusWrecks

    I have been saving some delicious, decadent, amazing chocolates from my trip to Belgium 4 months ago. For some reason I decided to savour a couple while reading this – all fine until I got the last post…despite the expense and the inability to replace these irreplaceable delicacies, and my total addiction to chocolate, I actually spat one out one and threw it away after reading this mess. Ugh! Lesson learned – I will *never* eat while reading anything STFU Parents again.

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  • Misty Henry

    grow up B

  • Lizzy

    The first woman is creepy. Did she admit to nearly having a crush on her own son? Gross.

    Second mom is almost as creepy as the first.

    Third mom doesnt’ bother me. I’m desensitized. I never did this but it doesn’t bother me.

    Jennifer is a fucking freak. Gross gross gross. And she tagged her son. I hope he unfriends her.

    #5? Is that kid like 6 or something? Too old. Kids going to kindergarten don’t need mommy’s tit in their mouth.

    #6 I wanted to vomit. Dawn has zero class. She licked boogers off of her face. And put the Sandy hook tragedy in her status as if its okay to joke about that? I don’t get this. She sounds like a piece of trash.

    I wipe my kids faces if they have boogers on them before they are allowed to kiss me. I guess my love has some boundaries. I aint kissing nobdy if they have boogers on their face. I even wipe my teething 11 month old’s drool off his chin before I smooch him.
    Some people are sick.

  • Leigha7

    I’m surprised nobody commented on the usage of the word “boom” in the last one. It’s bad enough to use a school shooting as a platform to talk about how much you love being a mother, but to use the word “boom” while doing so, for no apparent reason? It’s slightly better than if she’d done that in response to, say, the Boston bombing, but still really, really bad.