• Wed, Feb 13 - 10:20 am ET

Thanks To The Kid Who Got An iPhone 5 For Her Birthday, Now My Kid Wants One

iPhone 5I didn’t think there was anything worse than having a child arrive home from a birthday party begging for an iPhone 5 for an entire week. But, actually, there is. And that is the PARENT who bought their 9-year-old an iPhone 5 for her birthday and decides to “unveil” the gift at the party.

I know this because the parent is a friend of mine. After a week of hearing my child say, “But SHE got one for HER birthday,” and me having to say, “But who the hell are you going to call?” And, my daughter responding “YOU!” and me responding, “You can call me on the home phone, or you can e-mail me from your computer,” she still went on and on about how her friend got an iPhone 5 for her birthday. She even went so far as to call her father for an iPhone 5. Luckily, her father and I are on the same page, that nine years old is too young for a phone.

Her dad asked the same question. “Who are you planning to call?”

She said to him, “YOU!”

In any case, a couple days after the birthday party, I called my friend and said, “I’m going to fucking kill you,” and went on to explain that ever since HER daughter got an iPhone 5, in front of the entire class that was invited to the party, my daughter has not shut up about getting her own iPhone 5.

“Get in line,” my friend said to me. Apparently a number of other mothers called to yell at her or complain about her gift.

I’m not opposed to other parents buying their children whatever they damn well please for their kids’ birthday presents. But I think now I AM opposed to opening gifts at children’s birthday parties, especially if it’s a gift that every other child is going to want.

Listen, an iPhone 5 is not the same type of gift as clothing or art supplies or getting your ears pierced. It’s a big, expensive deal.

When my daughter turned nine, her father and I decided to get her a MacBook Air (which is better than my own computer). It was a very nice gift, but also a useful one, because she uses it for her schoolwork. But we certainly didn’t bring it to her birthday party and make a big deal about it in front of other children. (In fact, I don’t even think we wrapped the damn thing.) We kind of just handed it to her at home and said, “If you break this, you’re not getting another one. Happy Birthday!”

So now my poor mom friend has been fielding calls from parents and I kind of feel bad for her, even though she dug her own grave buy deciding to give an iPhone 5 to her daughter in front of 20 other children. I have not once been to a birthday party where gifts are actually opened in front of the other children. I think this is a really bad idea, especially if you are giving out an expensive present that every other child wants but doesn’t actually need. Obviously, it WAS a bad idea because other parents whose children are now begging for an iPhone 5 non-stop are hounding my friend. HA! It turns out it’s not always the greatest position to be a “trendsetter” especially when it comes to birthday gifts.

Thankfully, after a week of asking for an iPhone and me responding, “Whatever!” my daughter completely forgot about getting an iPhone 5 and also forgot about the birthday party. It was my mom friend who had to deal with the fall-out.

But tips to parents? Give your child their birthday gift at home, not in front of a bunch of envious other children. You DO want calls from parents saying, “My daughter had a great time at your daughter’s party!” Not calls from mothers saying, “I’m going to fucking kill you…”

(photo: apple.com)

You can reach this post's author, Rebecca Eckler, on twitter.
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  • Sara

    I tend to agree with you that a particularly extravagant gift should be opened in private at home, not in front of everyone at a birthday party, but the thing is, you never know what will set off jealousy in another kid. I can pretty well guarantee you that your daughter has some friends who are going home to their parents and whining, “But Sally Sue has a MacBook Air! Why do I have to do my homework at the family computer in the living room instead of having my own super-fancy laptop all to myself?” And all those parents are probably silently ridiculing you for purchasing your daughter something that probably seems ridiculously extravagant and unnecessary to them, while they (hopefully) sit their kids down and explain that we don’t always get what we want in life and just because someone else has something doesn’t mean that we automatically have the right to have it too.

    Same thing with the phone. All you can do is stick to your guns and the decision that you made as parents, and as you saw, eventually the kid will probably forget about it and move on. One kid’s iPhone 5 is another kid’s MacBook Air is another kid’s Juicy jeans and $150 sneakers.

    • Sara

      Oh, and I know that right now there’s this big kerfuffle over whether or not it’s a bad idea to open birthday presents at a party. Personally, I still think it’s a great idea for three reasons:

      1) When you pick out a gift for someone and go to the trouble to wrap it and give it to them, it’s awesome to be able to see their expression when they open it, and

      2) It gives the gift-giver a valuable practice in graciously accepting gifts and thanking the giver. Even if the present is the most hideous hand-knitted Santa sweater you’ve ever seen, lovingly created by your half-blind Great Aunt Myrtle, you have to be able to sincerely and kindly thank her for her gift.

      3) We also have an epidemic of kids who can’t handle seeing someone else get something (an award, a trophy, a present, whatever) unless they get one too. Kids need to learn that it’s not always going to be about you and you’re not always going to get the present. When it’s your birthday, it will be your turn. But when it’s not your birthday, you need to learn how to graciously watch and share in the celebration while the birthday kid opens his presents without throwing a hissy fit because you want one too. Even if it’s something really cool like an iPhone 5, which I guarantee you the other kids were going to see anyway, whether the kid opened it at the party or at home.

    • chickadee

      The reason why I didn’t allow gift opening during the party was because the attendees were often from widely divergent economic backgrounds and I didn’t want any child embarrassed because he or she couldn’t financially ‘compete.’

    • Andrea

      I’m with you on this one. Present -opening at a birthday party is a giant bore at best and a tantrum at worst. Best to open presents later and write your thank you notes promptly, graciously, and politely.

    • bumbler

      isn’t that the same as giving a trophy to everyone just for trying? I think it’s emotional coddling, and does no one any favor. I’d rather my kids know the character-building experience of failure and embarrassment rather than trying to shuffle them through common life experiences unscathed. Besides, you greatly underestimate the intelligence of children. A birthday gift is not the only indication of a family’s wealth or lack thereof. Everyone already knows if you’re poor or rich before the party, and as another commenter pointed out, the gifts will all be talked about at school the next day anyhow.

    • chickadee

      No, the trophy analogy would be correct if I said that every child should get a gift at the party so no one would feel left out. I don’t think it’s coddling a child’s feelings to prevent a girl from feeling embarrassed that her family doesn’t have as much as others do. A child’s party doesn’t have to place a spotlight on economic inequities. If all guests are in the same tax bracket, then go ahead and make the gifts part of the entertainment.

    • LiteBrite

      I don’t think it’s a bad idea to open presents at a birthday party for all the reasons you mentioned. I just think parents (or other guests) should save the ginormous, super-expensive gift for another time. To me, it screams “Look at us and our money!” which I think is tacky, but more importantly it makes the other guests feel bad about their own gifts. (“Oh, yeah, nice dominoes Aunt Josie, but look at my new dirt bike!”)

    • Sara

      I agree, LiteBrite. And chickadee, while I don’t think it’s a compelling enough reason to get rid of present-opening at parties altogether, I definitely see your point. Maybe my opinion is skewed by the fact that the last time I did the birthday-party circuit was when I was a kid myself in the 80s and 90s, and birthday presents (and parties) were still pretty basic then.

      My daughter has only been to one birthday party and had one birthday party in her life (she’s 16 months old), and both were small, laid-back affairs. We have a lot of crafty friends, so several of the presents my daughter got were homemade–a couple of knitted hats and the like. Another friend of ours, who has very little extra cash, gave her a card with a nice, heartfelt message inside. All were equally appreciated, as were the store-bought gifts.
      We purchased the gift for the one where she was a guest at TJMaxx because as a teacher/grad student couple, one thing we do NOT have a lot of right now is extra cash, and I know that there was a pretty wide variety of presents running the whole gamut from very basic to pretty fancy. We didn’t feel bad and weren’t made to, but if I were a kid self-conscious about my family’s socioeconomic status, maybe it would have been a different story.

    • CrazyFor Kate

      Agreed. Kid’s going to go to school on Monday and be like “Look what I got” anyway. It’s up to the parents’ discretion, but kids should be able to handle seeing someone else get something nice.

  • K.

    I think that parents who give their kids wildly expensive gifts–particularly when they’re not anything that is specific to that child (ie, a new set of golf clubs for a child that actually golfs or a Fender for a child that’s in a band is different than say, the new iPad or the latest BMW just because it’s new and expensive) at the big birthday bash are really using the big birthday bash to publicize how wealthy/doting/trendy the parents are. It makes the parents seem insecure.

    Rebecca, my friend went through something similar with her son and wanting the iPad–”So I can READ on it!” (I love child manipulation–”I need the iPhone so I can call YOU! Because I LOVE you so much, mommy!!” Right). She and dad bought him something else, but tucked into the envelope was a brand new…library card.

    • Persistent Cat

      Please tell me that when he looked up in utter disappointment, his parents happily exclaimed, “so you can READ!!!”

    • K.

      Ha! You’re not a real parent if you don’t get equal glee out of seeing the look on your kid’s face when he finds underwear in the Xbox packaging as when he receives the actual Xbox :)

    • Kate

      Yeah, my parents thoroughly enjoyed doing that to us too. Now they wonder why none of their children want anything to do with them. Hope that glee is worth it.
      I know you’re going to reply with something about spoiled brats but there is no value in crushing a child’s spirit. You aren’t teaching them anything by doing that and if you gives you some sort of sick satisfaction, you need therapy. Desperately.

    • Sara

      Your spirit was crushed by not getting luxurious presents and now you’re punishing your parents by not having anything to do with them? That seems really over-the-top, but maybe I’m misunderstanding you. Can you clarify exactly what your parents did that was so bad and that’s comparable to giving your child a library card instead of an iPad? I have a hard time understanding what is so spirit-crushing about not getting all the gadgets and toys that you want, and instead getting something useful like underwear or an iPad.
      But again, I’m probably misunderstanding you.

    • http://www.facebook.com/paul.white.3532507 Paul White

      There’s a difference between not getting an expensive gift and being tricked into thinking you’re getting an expensive and awesome gift…only to not get it. Particularly if it happens every birthday.

    • Sara

      Sure, I understand that. And while I can see how it could be annoying for a kid who’s not particularly given to letting things like that roll off her back, I don’t see it as something that “crushes a child’s spirit”. And if, as you suggest, it happens every year, I think a lot of kids would learn to expect it as something lame that Mom and Dad do every year and not get their hopes up.

    • K.

      The glee is *almost* as good as the amusement I get from reading this post about the incredible depths of your inner turmoil and your crusade to save the innocent from improper gift-giving.

    • LucyLoo

      By God, you’re right! You DID have terrible parents.

    • bumbler

      I think you have misinterpreted the situation. It sounds like your parents mocked you for their own twisted pleasure, where as the rest of us had a good laugh when our parents played a fun trick on us. Perhaps you should try to read the mood/context of other commenters before unloading your emotional baggage.

    • http://www.facebook.com/alice.longworth.7 Alice Longworth

      Wow, I’ve only seen a person using “crushing a child’s spirit” on STFUP, never in the “wild.” BTW, it really is a vomit-inducing phrase that really marginalizes actual verbal abuse. It is pretty clear that YOU are the one who needs therapy for your bitter attitude. Now, you may have good reason if your parents were as evil as you claim, but that is no reason to drag everyone else down into your humorless pit. Off to crush some spirits mojito style.

    • CrazyFor Kate

      My parents did the opposite. They would give a nice gift in a box of something no kid would want, so I would desperately pretend to be happy with underwear or cereal or something and then find a present I had asked for or wanted. I fell for that for an embarrassingly long time!

    • K.

      That’s a good one–I like the ‘don’t judge a book by it’s cover’ vibe!

  • chickadee

    Gifts should be opened after the party if at all possible, which achieves multiple ends at once. It removes the competitive element from gift giving, it eliminates the i-product effect that you’ve mentioned, and it requires the child to write proper thank-you notes after the party is over.

    • Sara

      When I was a kid, we verbally thanked the giver at the party (when we opened presents) and then wrote them a thank-you note. And we weren’t allowed to play with or use the gift until the thank-you note was in the mail.

    • CrazyFor Kate

      Damn, that’s a good move on your mom’s part (putting the gift away until notes are done). Can’t believe no parents I’m close to ever thought of that.

    • Justme

      Same here. And even to this day writing a thank-you is a compulsion and the thought of NOT sending one makes me anxious.

    • bumbler

      I would be pretty irked if I didn’t get to see the birthday girl/boy open the gift I gave them. My family was poor and I totally know the shame of giving a cheap present, but some people would say that kind of experience builds something called “character” ;)

  • Sara

    I agree it’s a bit obnoxious to have some ‘unveiling’ of an expensive [age innapropriate] gift at any party, but especially one with young children. I don’t know what a child that young needs an iPhone for, but I guess that’s up to the kid’s parents to decide.

    What I don’t understand are all these parents ringing up to give the mother a piece of their mind? Why? So she can turn back time and undo it? I understand mentioning your frustrating at your own child’s insistance in passing but to specifically call up a parent and complain about a gift they got their own child, because your child doesn’t have one, is ridiculous. Can people not just mind their own business anymore?

    • LiteBrite

      Yeah, I don’t get that either. Unless it was done in a joking way (which this may have been), I don’t see what the point is. Part of being a parent is having to say “No” once in awhile, especially if a friend gets something much cooler than what your kid has. I don’t agree with the big unveiling at the birthday party, but the birthday kid’s mom is parenting her own kid, not the author’s.

    • Andrea

      I am from South America, where Three Wise Men Day (Jan 6th) is celebrated and the kids leave their shoes outside their rooms and the “wise men” leave presents. Kinda like Santa Part Deux. My kid babbled endlessly about this the next day at preschool and I had no less than 3 moms call me to ask WTF this 3 wise men thing was about. Turns out more than 1 kid was devastated that they didn’t go to their house.

      I didn’t take it personally. I just explained. I assumed moms explained to kids that different cultures have different traditions..and just like Santa doesn’t visit some houses (i.e. Jewish homes) neither do the 3 wise men. Still I know it kinda had to suck for those moms. I felt kinda bad.

    • chickadee

      Yes, I grew up with Jewish friends and a Cuban friend, and my parents explained the cultural differences and (she says) I had no problem with it.

  • Katie

    I don’t choose my child’s gifts based on the parenting styles of others. I have to admit, if a “friend” called me up to gripe about a gift I bought my child, I’d think they had more than a few screws loose and seriously reconsider that relationship.
    I’m not saying that to be snarky or insult the writer, I just think that sounds incredibly nutty. I’m trying to imagine that phone call and I really can’t. I’d think the caller was mentally ill.

  • msenesac

    This one is easy. My response to the child “Too bad.” And I wouldn’t be friends with anyone who called me up complaining about the gift I gave my child.

  • AP

    Do moms no longer say, “If everyone else jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge, would you do it too?”

    Or is the hyperbole of jumping off a bridge too much hyperbole for children nowadays to handle without therapy?

    • CrazyFor Kate

      xkcd recently posed a question about this classic momism: if everyone’s jumping off the Brooklyn Bridge, wouldn’t there be a good reason to do so? Like the bridge is on fire or something?

  • Andrea

    I am (shockingly) in agreement. Presents shouldn’t be unveiled at birthday parties in front of other kids. Most kids can’t handle that shit and even if they could, it is a loooong time before watching someone opening 20 presents and OMG-not-a-single-one-of-them-is-for-you! is any kind of fun for kids.

    But I am also pretty surprised your kid doesn’t have an iphone already.

  • rebecca eckler

    To clarify, the mother is a friend of mine. So when I called to say, “I’m going to fucking kill you,” she obviously knew I was joking. This mother is loved by all so I’m sure all the other moms who called to complain weren’t offended at her gift, just telling her that their kid has been begging for the same gift, which is a pain in the ass.

  • Mary

    I own a Kindle Fire and just got an iphone5. I can do so much more on my Kindle Fire, my iphone is boring. All I use it for is taking the occasional picture and video and to communicate with others. My Kindle is better for games and reading. I would have gone with the Kindle Fire. Everyone in my household fights over my Kindle, no one fights over my phone. I don’t get it.

  • MaryAnn

    When I was a kid, it was part of the party to open your gifts in front of the guests. There was no competition over who gave the best gift. No one compared anything. No one was embarrassed because they couldn’t afford to give the best gift. We considered to fun to see what the birthday boy/girl got.
    So I guess the PC police got birthday parties, too, huh? Sad.

  • Anon

    I’m sorry, I can’t quite get past the ‘giving a nine year old an iphone 5′ part.

  • A.

    I could care less what any other parent gives their child. My child was raised to know we dont just do what everyone else is doing, or buy what everyone else is buying, we dont have to be the same as everyone else and when you ask for something and your parents tell you no – you dont whine about it nonstop. Never have I heard my child utter a phrase like “But thats what SHE got!” Sorry but- its obnoxious & whiny, and at 9? Id expect it maybe from a 4 year old but I think your bigger problem isnt what your friends are giving their kids but how you’re raising yours. Clearly at some point this tactic worked for her, or you’ve reinforced the idea that you covet what others have. Really, all these Moms bemoaning a kid actually opening gifts at a party? OMG! The humanity! Is this the continuation of the mentality of “lets give them all a trophy so no ones feelings get hurt”? Guess what? In life everyone does NOT get a trophy, you are not ALL the best at everything, at 20 or 30 or 40 your kid is going to want things they cannot have & they are going to have to deal with it. I fear a future of grown up children who can not handle these truly harsh realities of life-like being denied an iphone.

    • Sara

      In Rebecca’s defense (and if you’ve read any of my comments on her articles, you’ll know that I am often in pretty stark disagreement with her views on a whole host of issues), it sounds like she actually handled it pretty well where her daughter was concerned. She says that she explained to her daughter that no, she would not be getting an iPhone 5 just because her friend had one, and sure enough, the girl either gave up or forgot about it and moved on.
      This would hardly be the first nine-year-old to try and push the guilt button to get Mom to buy an expensive and/or age-inappropriate gift, and if she had written about giving in and buying the iPhone after the kid whined about it, then I’d be in agreement with you. But it sounds like the kid tried to pull a pretty common kid maneuver and Rebecca stuck to her guns.

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  • Aja

    There’s a really simple answer to this so-called dilemma. The word “no.” Why are parents so up in arms when they have to use it? There will be lots of things for your child’s whole life-long that she will see other people with that she won’t be able to have. Let them get used to knowing it now rather than complaining that they dare see something that you aren’t going to get them.

    • Emily

      I agree with you… It is fine to say ‘no.’ I am really good at it, in fact. No, you can’t have light-up shoes. No, you can’t have Uggs. No, you ant have an extra dessert. I also agree, however, that is totally a pain in the patootie to have to add one more “no” to the list, especiallyif it is going to be harped upon for some time.

  • Me

    What the fuck does a nine year old need a MacBook Air for? Or did you buy it so she can’t play any games while she works?

  • candie clayton

    All my daughters friends and cousin who are 10 got an iphone 5 my daughter will be 10 in july and she really wants one too.. I would rather buy her a ATV instead .. I really want to stick to my guns and make her wait .. But it is hard because the she wants to connect with these friends and we have no home phone. She has a ipad but she says its different. geese it was so easier when all we wanted at 10 was a bike …