• Fri, Feb 8 2013

STFU Parents: Parents Who Sound Like Idiots On Facebook

Every so often I receive a submission that’s so stupid or senseless, I have no choice but to file it in my “Total Dumbasses” folder. If it’s made it to that folder, reading it has temporarily fried my brain like the egg in those anti-drug commercials. It’s not that we don’t all say something dumb on social media sometimes. I can think of several occasions in which I later realized that I’d misspelled a word, or incorrectly referenced something, or just sounded like a straight-up moron. I don’t know if all of the people in my “Total Dumbasses” folder really are that stupid, or if they’re just having a temporary absence of intelligence, but they sure do sound IQ-deficient.

Normally I don’t post a lot of submissions from this folder, because there are so many mommyjackers and sanctimommies out there worthy of ridicule, but today I put together a collection of confusion that I think everyone can appreciate. In fact, maybe some of you readers can help me understand what most of these people are talking about and why they’re so willing to come off so stupid on Facebook. Am I a judgmental ass, or do these posters sound as idiotic as I think they do? Let’s take a look at some examples.

1. Breastfeeding Beer Pong 

STFU Parents

Maybe I’m wrong, but it seems like there are two types of mothers out there: Those who brag about playing beer pong while breastfeeding, and those who don’t. I don’t KNOW that Jessica was drinking beer while she played beer pong, but if she wasn’t, wouldn’t she specify that she was drinking something else? Unless of course she got in every single shot, at which point, whoa, Jessica, you totally rock.

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  • MLB

    I disagree on the Disney post. Maybe they went with a older kid? Also, I really really hate those mommy-drive-bys telling mothers how to parent an infant by shutting themselves in the house. If you have an older kid its impossible. And not so good for your mental state.

    • once upon a time

      Yeah, before I read the commentary I thought the replies were the brain fart part of that submission.

    • http://www.facebook.com/sarahkatrinekettle Sarah Kettle

      I agree with you. She even went to her doctor to ask if it was okay, it’s not like she didn’t give a shit about her baby’s health.

    • http://twitter.com/sherinakins Sherry Osborne

      If I hadn’t gone out with my kids as newborns I would have lost my mind.

    • Daisy

      Yup, I’ve always thought it was dumb to take kids under 5 to Disney, but that’s just my personal opinion; anyone else is free to do as they please. It’s those judgey ladies who just couldn’t resist telling her what to do that made me shake my head!

    • Vigina

      Exactly! It’s her child, her vacation. Those other women need to STFU!

    • JewelEyedGamerGirl

      Yeah, except that other people have to deal with it too. It’s not like that kid is in a mobile soundproof booth.

    • bec

      If you go to Disney world, you have to expect you will hear a kid crying at some point. That is not an argument for her to stay home.

    • JewelEyedGamerGirl

      Yeah, but if people don’t drag kids to places they won’t appreciate or understand for no reason all the time, then the number of crying kids in any of these given places is less. Also, could you have waited any longer to reply? A month and a half, really?

    • sourpop

      Why the hell do you care how long it takes to reply ? Is it that fucked up idea of net etiquette ? Does it make your comment invalid since X amount of time has passed ? Fuck off.

    • JewelEyedGamerGirl

      This whole thread is 4 months old. Don’t you have anything better to do?

    • K.

      Totally agree, although I think that B. put it in there under the assumption that the parent took the 6-weeker to Disney, no older kids in tow–and for the record, I think that parents who bring babies to Disney (without older kids) are stupid.

      For the record, I also think that mothers who have the whole, “don’t ever let a newborn leave the house” are also stupid.

      So that one’s kind of a draw for me.

    • NeuroNerd

      The purple commenter ends her snark by saying “But I Hope (sic) rosie (sic) had a good time …” When I read that I assumed Rosie was an older child.

    • Dlee

      Not to mention that they say the mother needs 6 weeks to heal too. Whilst that may be true for some mothers, it’s not always the case. I had a very straight-forward birth without complications and was back at university three days after we got out of hospital. By three weeks, I was completely healed. And you’re right about the mental health, uni was one of the few things that helped prevent my PND getting so bad. (It actually got worse when uni finished for the semester and I went on holidays.)

    • meah

      Agree! I usually agree with B on EVERYTHING, but that “thou must stay inside for six weeks with a newborn” is bs, unless that baby has some other health issues that cause a problem. She even checked with her Dr! More importantly, what’s done is done. If you feel like suggesting she not go to Disney beforehand, maybe send her a private message or call her on the phone (I still think you should keep your trap shut, though), but getting all sanctimommy after the fact, when all went well, and in a public forum, turns a nice happy status update into Awkwardtown and is just plain nasty behaviour.

  • Ale515

    I know people who have to plan a Disney vacation years in advance. That’s usually the reason why you see very pregnant (about to pop, and they look miserable) women and newborns at the parks. Anything can happen from the time you plan to the time you go. And because it’s expensive/took off from work, ya gotta go! I always feel bad for them though…

  • http://www.facebook.com/maureensteele525 Maureen ‘Freeman’ Steele

    Yeah this one I have to disagree with too. Especially if your BFing. Your baby actually has great immunity built up because they are getting your immunities. The 6 weeks thing is old medicine.

    • lea

      Not quite. Your baby doesn’t have great immunity, it has some immunity. The maternal antibodies that are passed to the infant (in utero and during breastfeeding) are there to protect the baby until it can develop its own immune system fully. Its kind of to tide them over. But they are still extremely vulnerable to infections.

      That said, they do need to get out and about to be exposed to the environment to help develop their immune systems. So its kind of a balancing act.

      I think taking a baby to Disney is fine, especially as the poster said she didn’t allow strangers to handle bubs. Those women having a go at her are just plain nasty.

  • Christine

    none Ofthese ppl know how 2 Type or UsE grammar!!!1!1!

    It took a huge amount of effort to figure out what some of these idiots were trying to say.

  • Case

    I find Honeymooners in Disney whatever is creepy IMO…you are there for a honeymoon and really your in a theme park of kids

    • Ashley

      Pretty sure no one’s doin’ it in the middle of the park. Why not have some awesome theme park fun followed by a romp in the hotel later that night? Sounds like a great honeymoon to me, and not at all creepy. We’ve considered Six Flags for ours.

    • Michelle

      I had my honeymoon at Disney last year during the food and wine festival. It was a blast! We come from lots of Disney family vacations though so it just made sense for us.

    • meg

      I literally cannot think of anyplace I would rather go LESS for my honeymoon than a blisteringly-hot amusement park full of screaming kids and $8 sodas. I’m with you.

    • Lawcat

      I’m not a super fan of Disney, but we got pulled into a family vacation once before we had kids. We had a ton of fun, just the two of us (we ditched the in laws and niece). I wouldn’t go there for my honeymoon, but to each their own.

      But “creepy?” Please. I – like most of the population – could care less about your child. In fact, I rarely notice them. They just aren’t that special. Additionally, I wouldn’t label it a “theme park of (sic) kids.” It’s open to all, they perform weddings, you can get drunk in Epcot, etc. If it were strictly for kids, they’d only have kid-centric activities and rides like the kiddie park down the road from me.

  • Afraidtoshootlemons

    I was told (by doctors, although as we all know doctors are not god) that exposing your newborn, especially in the first ten days, is good for them to build immunities. And if you breastfeed they are supposed to build up even faster. Anyways, it’s nobody’s business to tell someone what to do with their kid unless they’re dangling it by its foot outside a window on the 15th floor or something.

  • Sandra

    Cola??

    • Makabit

      Probably short for “Nicola”.

    • Vigina

      Yeah, that needs to go under “yoonique” names…

    • meg

      Unless it’s short for Nicola, which is a somewhat common name.

  • RCIAG

    So it sounds like Amber is GOING to find out the sex of her baby in a week but she’s just sooo impatient that she’s asking her doofus, non-ultrasound technologist friends for some gypsy-like advice.

    Yeah.

    That’ll help ya figure it out.

    Wait a week you frickin’ moron. And if the baby isn’t turned the right way, wait a little longer. Unless you PLAN on taking those gypsies advice & just start decorating the room pink because you’re carrying high on a Tuesday with a waxing moon.

  • Kmichele

    Aaaagh, my brain hurts after reading this – the bad spelling! The poor grammar! The missing words?! Although for the record – tiny mouse ears might be kind of awesome…

  • K.

    I fucking hate those “FB status chains”–of ALL kinds–but especially
    the whole “motherhood is a Hallmark Card” bullshit. It irritates me not necessarily
    because I think it makes you fucked in the head if you would trade”thinking of yourself first” for those “little people YOU created who deserve the very best of your time” (although I do, think that)–it’s moreover the insidiousness of those things, from a feminist perspective.

    Glorifying the idea of motherhood (and yes, there are SAHDs, but there are more SAHMs and, at least in my world, it’s the moms who post these things, not the dads–but feel free to mentally de-gender if you like) as self-sacrifice is outdated and patriarchal and we shouldn’t support it. There is a difference between validating childrearing and telling women that it’s okay if they cease to be a person outside of their children. It’s not okay.

    If I posted some shit that read: “There comes a point in your life when thinking of yourself first no longer matters! Fun means cooking your man dinner and fetching his slippers and ironing his underwear and doing it all in sexy lingerie! Getting married doesn’t change you, it just makes you realize that the man YOU were lucky enough to marry deserves the very best of your time! Repost if you get it. I hope to see it on every married woman’s feed!”

    …I don’t think that it would see much traffic, except among weirdos. But if it’s about CHILDREN, oh, well those are sacred. Those are worth becoming half a person. And we wonder why we’re still debating birth control.

    • lea

      “and telling women that it’s okay if they cease to be a person outside of their children. It’s not okay.”

      word.

    • Basketcase

      I need to copy that shit down, so the next time someone posts it, I can ask if that version is ok too, or if we are all only meant to give up our identity to our kids…
      Its brilliant :)

    • Ellymoemoe

      Love. I go out with friends sometimes and I *gasp* have an 8 month old! Who I don’t take with me to these events! And yes, there have been snide comments

    • jill_sandwich

      The thing that irritates me the most about that status chain is that it insinuates that those are two lifestyles you have to choose between instead of different things you can do at different times. You can do Disney movies and go to bed at ten most nights and still have time to go out with your girlfriends after your kids are in bed every once in a while. There’s no harm in choosing not to do the exact same thing every single day of your life, kids or no kids.

    • http://www.facebook.com/amanda.o.almeda Amanda Odom Almeda

      i think if a woman is comfortable devoting her life to her family that’s her business. a lot of women feel that way.

    • lea

      There is a big difference between devoting your life to your family and losing yourself to them. I don’t think anyone would argue that being devoted to your spouse and children is a bad thing.

    • K.

      And this too!

    • K.

      I wasn’t denying some woman the right to make that her choice (although I did say I’d probably consider her fucked in the head, but that’s my right too), and if some woman wanted to write up her own status report that read, “I love giving myself over to my kids! My personhood is completely invested in being Mommy!!” then I really don’t care. I was commenting on having a chain-status thing that perpetuates this idea as an acceptable norm.

    • http://www.cafepress.com/ladycrim ladycrim

      To me, fun does indeed mean Disney movies, dinners, long cuddles, and hearing “I love you” – and I’m childfree. So there, Beth.

  • ODBeckster

    Sorry, but as a former amusement park employee, PLEASE keep your 6-week-old home, especially if you don’t have other kids. I get that if you have a 7-year-old and have had this planned that you get stuck, but otherwise? Babies at that age are miserable for the most part because it’s either too hot, too cold, or too sunny; too loud; uncomfortable to sleep in the stroller; you name it. Plus, if it’s only the 6-week-old, they will have zero recollection. Hell, you could probably fake a Disney trip with a few strategic pictures at the Disney Store and lie if you really wanted to.
    By all means, don’t lock yourself in the house. Just don’t go to the amusement park.

  • http://www.facebook.com/alice.longworth.7 Alice Longworth

    Either hot pink married an ass-wipe, or the poor guy doesn’t want to to go to the doctors office and say “his name is Tylan” out loud.

  • Faye

    I love how in the picking up men post that K has an exact percentage figured out regarding how many of these amazing men are married, as if she’s done exhaustive data collections on this very subject.

    • Cori

      I read somewhere once that 98.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

  • Dlee

    On the beerpong one, she may not have actually been drinking. I played my first game of it while I was about 6 months pregnant and gave the drinks to my partner. It’s pretty much like playing poker for toothpicks – So not serious and in a completely safe way. That said, the only times I’ve witnessed beer pong have been at very loud, very raging parties and I’d be concerned about the child being around that kind of environment.

    • Harriet Meadow

      Eh, I’ve seen (and played) beer pong among a very chill group of friends. No raging music, no super-loud drunken antics, only 10 people total at the party…still SUPER fun, but not at all “raging.”

  • Sara

    Wow, the STFU writer really dropped the ball in posting the Disney post. I thought she was making fun of the sanctimonious mothers in the comments, but she is actually applauding their cruel, “I’m a better mom than you judgment.” I think Rosie is an older kid she wanted to take to Disney, and whenever the STFU does have kids…lets see how she likes being a shut-in for 6 weeks with a newborn. I personally wouldn’t want to do Disney, but if you’re up for taking a newborn and are cautious about letting people touch the baby, I say more power to ya!

    • Jane

      Also, the sancti-moms totally mommy jacked her post to be snarky, but I guess mommy jacking is okay now..pshhh

    • meg

      It’s not mommyjacking if it’s still on the topic of the original post …

    • DMoney

      But it’s NOT on the topic of the original post. Did you read it? She says something along the lines of we had a great time today, saw some mice, and princesses, and will post pics later. She mentions Nothing about her newborn in the post. The mean moms just flipped out on her. It’s like someone writing, “Had a fun birthday, blew out candles, and can’t wait to post pics of the party.” Then, the first response is, “Don’t you know sugar is bad for you. I’m sorry but you could stand to lose a few pounds.” Then another response of, “She is right. You are too fat and and should not eat cake. Try more vegetables, but glad you had fun!” The mom was clearly not asking people their opinion in ANY way, and the mean responses were unprovoked. In my opinion, if taking a baby to Disney World is “So Idiotic” of a parenting choice that it makes a STFU post, I think the writer needs to get out more, like just observe some parents disciplining their kids in Walmart, lol

    • lea

      The original post does mention the newborn but B has blocked it out in red presumably for privacy reasons.

    • Clairesmommy

      Maybe…she didn’t block out the name “Rosie” below, which I think is an older sibling since people don’t usually talk about being glad that a newborn “had a good time” like in the comment below. Even if she did mention the newborn’s name and not an older sibling, the comments are still completely off the topic of the original post since she NEVER once mentions any health concerns with her baby or questions taking her somewhere in her fb status. Plus, the comments were AFTER the fact…whats the point of bashing someone after the event already happened….just to be bitchy sanctimommies!

    • Clairesmommy

      Maybe…I think it might have been an older sibling’s name blocked out. In the comments below, the name Rosie was not blocked out, which I assume is an older sibling, because people don’t often refer to being glad that a tiny newborn “had a good time.” Even IF the name of the newborn was blocked out, the mom certainly didn’t write a status on the topic of her baby’s health or asking for advice, so it’s still off topic. Plus, why write comments after the event in question already happened anyway? To be know-it-all judgy sanctimommies that apparently B is commending. I guess B & the rude moms apparently THINK they know more than the newborn’s own pediatrician….

    • Sarah

      Agreed. My first thought was that the mother had an older child, had already scheduled the trip and followed through with it, even after giving birth. I’m not sure why everyone is assuming that the newborn is the ONLY child in the family. I’m sure the baby will be perfectly fine. The sanctimommies are the ones that deserved to be mocked.

    • Sundaydrive00

      They went for a day, which probably means they live somewhat close by. Who schedules a day trip to Disney over a year in advance?

  • chickadee

    I just hope that all of the other children that might have breathed on or near the Disney World baby were vaccinated.

    • Cori

      I love you.

    • chickadee

      <3

  • CD

    There IS a Disney hospital….The Walt Disney Pavilion at Florida Hospital for Children.

  • ap

    OrksDisney sounds like one of the more sensible places I’ve seen newborns, honestly.
    Open air, not recirculated, so it’s fairly clean, and plenty of other screaming kids and background noise, so the baby’s not bothering anyone else. Plus, I’d imagine it’s family-friendly enough for the parents to feel comfortable.

    I tend to question parents when I see both parents with a newborn in a crowded mall during flu season, perusing hand soap at Bath and Body Works. Like, does it really take the entire family to choose Kitchen Lemon versus Country Apple?

    • meg

      Full of germy kids who don’t wash their hands, people from all over the US/word (so lots of different kinds of germs), and everyone in huge crowds touching the exact same doorknobs/railings/etc millions of times a day? Sounds like a good place to get your pre-immune infant sick.

      The mall isn’t any better, I’m with you there. But I still wouldn’t consider Disney good.

    • AP

      “People from all over the US/world,” you’ve never met city babies, have you?

    • Lawcat

      If your baby is touching doorknobs and railing at 6 weeks, you should probably get that checked out.

      For everyone else, you can use antibacterials before touching the newborn.

    • Sundaydrive00

      And what 6 week old baby doesn’t love Space Mountain?!

  • Ice.The.Queen

    6 weeks old and at Disney? I don’t remember much of that time with my daughter, but I do konw I was going slightly insane being cooped up all the time. Kudos to her for being able to trek around the park for the day though. Think at 6 weeks I might have been able to walk my dog for more than 5 minutes. ;)

    • Ice.The.Queen

      Actually, come to think about it, I took my daughter to Medieval Times around 5 weeks, just to get out of the house. (Husband works there so we had a free ticket) and she slept through the entire show.

  • A.

    I can’t imagine spending $89 dollars a ticket to go to Disneyland with someone who won’t enjoy or remember it – especially someone who is going to keep me from going on all the rides!

  • Alison

    Kind of off topic but Mickey Mouse does not officiate your wedding but can come to your reception.

    As for the other poster who commented: Disney is for everyone and not just kids. Walt once said “Your dead if you aim only for kids. Adults are only kids grown up, anyway.”

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100002665995701 Kyle Clayton

    Omg… You know what gets on MY nerves? Ignorant people who think a newborn shouldn’t be out in the world. Does a newborn need quarantined? No. A newborn probably has a higher chance of getting sick at its newborn and 1 month doctor appointments. I took my children everywhere from day 1 and they were never in any danger. Disney doesn’t sound FUN with a 6 week old, but it also does not sound DANGEROUS. Get a grip.

    • Guest

      mj

  • LiteBrite

    #5 reminds me of my sister. She carried low, and everyone told her it was a boy. She was so convinced she was having a boy that her and her husband didn’t set on a girl’s name.
    Guess what she had.

    During my own pregnancy I did a few of those “Chinese Gender Calendar” predictions for the fun of it. Every single one of them said I was having a girl. Then one afternoon I went to the grocery store. All the cashiers there took one look at me and said, “Oh honey, you’re having a boy.” And strangely enough I did. So now I tell everyone who is pregnant to just go to their local grocery store if they want to know the sex of their baby. The cashiers know all.

  • Amy

    This “with a boy it’s like X, with a girl it’s like Y” really bug me. Surely you have no place to offer an anecdote unless you have AT LEAST two kids of each gender, preferably more? You need multiple examples to start spotting a pattern, otherwise it’s probably just coincidence!

  • OnionButt

    Kaitlyn said Beth is NOT a mamma.

  • bd

    Tylan is an antibiotic given to animals with chronic diarrhea.

    • Jessie

      OMG this made me crack up! Let’s hope the poor kid doesn’t go into the veterinary practice.

  • portlandme

    the last one, forever embroidered on a pillow, or a plaque. Also the person named cola, where her children named soda, soft drink, and fizzy cola? Please god?! Fingers crossed.

  • Coments

    I hope Beth isn’t facebook friends with the actual mother of those kids. I do not have children, but if I did and I saw another woman trying to post about them like she was their mother, to the point of having a line about creating them, I’d probably lose my mind. My ex’s step mother used to do that all the time, refer to her step-kids as her sons to people, even though they lived with their mother, and barely saw the step mom and dad because they weren’t really cool with the fact that their father left their mom for another woman. Bad enough to be hooking up with someone’s husband, but then to try and claim her kids as your own, too? No.

  • lily

    Go to the mall. Fart, loudly. If more than 5 people give you a dirty look, then it’s a boy. If less, than it’s a girl. If nobody looks at you at all, it’s a hermaphrodite.

    • lonnie93041

      That is gold.

  • http://www.facebook.com/amber.davis.5055 Amber Davis

    This behaviour is DISGUSTING!

  • Rachel Sea

    I know a sure fire way to tell the sex by shape. If one of the chromosomes looks like a Y, it’s a genetic male.

  • lonnie93041

    These are funny as hell! I love this site.

  • lonnie93041

    #4 is a laugh riot. If anything ever happened to my dear wife I would cut my head off with a rusty chainsaw before dating a woman with kids. Anyone of either sex that does so needs to have the hole in their head patched up.

  • Mons

    You know, studies show that you can tell the sex of you’re baby by the calorie intake before the pregnancy. The more calories you consume the more likely it is to be a boy.