Every so often I receive a submission that’s so stupid or senseless, I have no choice but to file it in my “Total Dumbasses” folder. If it’s made it to that folder, reading it has temporarily fried my brain like the egg in those anti-drug commercials. It’s not that we don’t all say something dumb on social media sometimes. I can think of several occasions in which I later realized that I’d misspelled a word, or incorrectly referenced something, or just sounded like a straight-up moron. I don’t know if all of the people in my “Total Dumbasses” folder really are that stupid, or if they’re just having a temporary absence of intelligence, but they sure do sound IQ-deficient.
Normally I don’t post a lot of submissions from this folder, because there are so many mommyjackers and sanctimommies out there worthy of ridicule, but today I put together a collection of confusion that I think everyone can appreciate. In fact, maybe some of you readers can help me understand what most of these people are talking about and why they’re so willing to come off so stupid on Facebook. Am I a judgmental ass, or do these posters sound as idiotic as I think they do? Let’s take a look at some examples.
1. Breastfeeding Beer Pong
Maybe I’m wrong, but it seems like there are two types of mothers out there: Those who brag about playing beer pong while breastfeeding, and those who don’t. I don’t KNOW that Jessica was drinking beer while she played beer pong, but if she wasn’t, wouldn’t she specify that she was drinking something else? Unless of course she got in every single shot, at which point, whoa, Jessica, you totally rock.
2. Where To Pick Up Men
This exchange is the submission equivalent of the expression “Bless her heart.” It makes me die inside a little. It’s like if a guy “jokingly” told his friends to check out the hot ladies at PTA meetings. Except I’m not sure if J. is joking.
3. Disney > Germ Resistance
I’m not one to criticize actual parenting methods, but taking a baby who’s younger than six weeks to Disney World sounds about as dumb as those Disney weddings that are officiated by Mickey Mouse. (Sorry to everyone who’s super into Disney; I just don’t get the wedding thing.) I’m glad this mom and her family had a great time out with the new baby, but it’s with the sole intention of being able to tell little Rosie that she went to Disney World for the first time when she was just a month old. Disney World really needs to open its own hospital with Disney Doctors and Disney Delivery. Just imagine giving birth on Donald Duck sheets and waiting to see your newborn until he or she has been crowned with a pair of tiny mouse ears. Heaven!
4. Identity Crisis
This submission — featuring a classic chain status update — may not seem very dumb or confusing until you read Kaitlyn’s comment and know that Beth does not have any kids. Rather, Beth has just begun dating a guy with kids, so she’s getting to the Facebook spirit! Make sense now?! Beth hopes to see her status update reposted on the wall of every mom she knows. Spoken like a true mom!
5. How To Determine The Sex Of Your Baby
Oh, Amber. High and low mean exactly what you think they mean.
It’s a good thing Amber’s friends are cautious to determine her baby’s sex based on the shape of her belly, because something tells me if Megan or Cola had told her she was having a boy, she’d take it as the gospel truth. Now I’m just waiting for an updated submission about whether or not she should drink castor oil to induce. Some things shouldn’t be said out loud on Facebook.